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1.
from the first moment, sho found he zhongxing to be intimidating.
sho couldn't quite put his finger on it, but something about zhongxing's presence felt scary when he first saw him. this had only heightened when sho had to stand next to him for the first time; because did he really have to be that tall and menacing?
it didn't help sho's impression of zhongxing when they'd both wanted the main rapper part. sho couldn't not feel bitter when he'd been challenged by zhongxing (and when he'd basically been height-shamed by his other teammate. what the hell, chrisen?). sho got the part in the end, though – which was great, truly, but that joy only lasted for around 5 seconds before he felt intimidated by zhongxing's disappointment.
it took him only a few more days on the team, though, to realize that zhongxing actually wasn't that scary after all.
one evening, they were all practicing together, the sound of the trainees' conversation, the whir of the air conditioner, and the endless repetition of 'kill the romeo' echoed through the room.
sho was going over the choreography roughly, thinking out the formations in his head as the leader was helping the others to catch up. a moment later, sho felt someone's eyes on him; and sure enough, when he looked up at the mirror before him, zhongxing stood just behind him. sho turned around, raising his head to look him in the eye.
weird. zhongxing was smiling.
sho had seen that before, of course – zhongxing was, in fact, not an unprogrammable robot, and he had his moments. whether it was while he told jokes sho couldn't understand to the other trainees, or when he'd gotten a sudden burst of energy, zhongxing did become pretty energetic at times.
it seemed to be another motivation boost. "the killing part, i have an idea," zhongxing said, and at this, sho smiled back right away.
"good!" sho sighed in relief, "what is it?"
"it might be..." zhongxing paused, took a step closer – he seemed to be thinking of what to say. "a little silly. but let's try."
"okay," sho nodded enthusiastically. sho truly would have been content with anything he could think of; between the time spent sleeping (which wasn't just a zhongxing thing, everyone was exhausted), and the numerous lessons they had to attend, they still hadn't selected a good choreo for that part.
and anyways, zhongxing seemed to always have pretty good ideas. this couldn't be awful.
zhongxing roughly told sho where to stand, which did not get much explaining done. instead, zhongxing took a gentle hold of sho's shoulders, moving him little by little until sho stood just in front of him. "so, turn, a little bit..."
sho had begun counting the beats, letting zhongxing demonstrate what he'd thought of.
he lost count once he felt zhongxing's hand ghost over the back of his neck. so slightly, barely even grazing him.
it was probably to be polite, to avoid hurting him. that feather-light touch made sho shiver, made his eyes flash up to look at zhongxing's, which were already staring back down at him.
"you okay?" zhongxing still had a smile on his face, but something had changed about it. who was to know if it was all just in sho's head, but he could swear the slight smirk on zhongxing's lips had something to do with how he'd reacted.
"i'm good," sho answered, "again?"
"again," zhongxing nodded. he reached to reposition sho, but before he could, sho had already begun moving himself back into position. zhongxing started to count again, "one, two, three, four..."
sho still got that same, stupid shiver each and every time they practiced that part.
-
2.
sho couldn't sleep. as usual, really, but this time it was for a seperate reason.
he heard the bathroom door creak open, heard the shower turn off a few minutes before that. saw the dim light that flooded his dorm room, saw his shadow moving. even with the sounds of chrisen tossing and turning and heechan snoring around him, sho found himself acutely focused on the sounds from the bathroom.
because it was zhongxing. it wasn't that sho was trying to see or hear anything new, zhongxing was just far too loud, bottles falling in the shower and miscellaneous skincare items clattering to the floor as he was, presumably, getting dressed. it was a wonder that their other roommates were able to sleep through all that.
sho knew he should've tried to sleep, rolled over at least, but he was too tired to think of those as the best options. so, when zhongxing walked out of the bathroom, approaching his own bed while still drying his hair, sho panicked and pretended to sleep.
he hoped he was doing a good job, because if not, it'd be really embarrassing.
he peeked through his lashes – the irrational part of his brain, which was seemingly the only one still awake, was for some reason very adamant on seeing zhongxing right now. for a good reason, he supposed; the light coming from the bathroom was just enough to illuminate his bare face, and he was wearing a sleeveless top, neither of which sho had seen on him before.
it was very faint and hard to see right then, but did zhongxing have a tattoo? sho held back from opening his eyes fully until zhongxing crouched by his luggage, shifting his attention to rummage through it.
upon taking a better look, zhongxing did seem to have tattoos, and his bare face actually managed to look just as nice as it did with makeup. those two things almost made sho find him intimidating again; until he noticed how zhongxing was putting away hello kitty slippers and taking out a soft, patterned blanket.
okay, so he was actually cute sometimes. sho let out a soft, almost inaudible laugh.
the keyword was almost, because it was just enough to make zhongxing's head turn sho's way.
sho shut his eyes instantly. the tension in the room was worse than when the team would have arguments; sho felt his heart begin to beat faster.
not because zhongxing had looked at him, but because he was almost caught looking at zhongxing. how would he even explain himself if zhongxing did notice? were either of them even awake enough to care?
regardless, sho decided to keep his eyes all the way shut for the rest of the night, just to be safe (he swore he could hear zhongxing mumbling something at some point, but between the fact he didn't know chinese and heechan snored very loudly at times, sho did not catch what he'd said).
after a few more minutes of hearing back-and-forth footsteps, from the bathroom to his bed to his suitcase, over and over again – seriously, how long was this guy's shower routine? – sho heard the click of the bathroom light switch, zhongxing finally seemed to settle down in bed.
sho could hear the creak of the mattress in the bunk below his, could hear the blankets shifting and the way zhongxing sighed as he settled in.
sho couldn't see him, but he was sure zhongxing looked very content. he hoped zhongxing would get some good sleep; it'd be best for him.
but in his case, sho did not get good sleep, because his brain was too busy projecting the image of bare faced zhongxing to his conciousness.
stupid zhongxing. sho couldn't believe he was losing sleep over this man.
-
3.
it was the day of the performance.
the atmosphere backstage was strange; supportive, yet there were still fights breaking out. sho didn't get involved, and thankfully, he was able to make it out unscathed (the same couldn't be said for zhongxing, but in sho's defense, he couldn't do anything. he'd never learned how to break up fights in chinese before, after all).
zhongxing. somehow, the thought of him overshadowed everything else. he looked good, as expected, but more than that, it was how he acted that remained with sho.
just after they'd been put in their stage outfits, sho ended up next to him as they got their makeup done. in all honesty, he didn't like being seen next to zhongxing all that much, because it really showcased how poorly sho met the sexy concept.
not that zhongxing was extremely sexy. that was just his thing, the sexy guy persona. sho did not find him to be sexy, even when he was in that red suit with the pretty makeup and the see-through shirt and the face chain and... well... anyways.
and again, in the waiting room between performances, he found himself sitting just beside zhongxing, the two of them together in an not very awkward silence (if you could even call it that, with all the commotion around them). it was nice; they shared their water bottle, made the occasional quick comment on how they thought the next team would do.
that didn't last all that long, because soon enough, they were up next, the staff ushering them backstage to get ready. and again, zhongxing was next to him. how did that keep happening?
they'd been given their mic packs, but, embarassingly, sho still wasn't sure on how to put it on properly. and he wasn't about to ask for help, because that would make him look even weaker and even more uncapable–
zhongxing's hands were moving to sho's back before he could even finish his thoughts.
sho hated how he tensed at his touch. he should've been used to it by then.
"thank you," sho said softly, avoiding zhongxing's gaze as best he could. the taller boy only nodded, securing the mic before stepping back a bit.
still, though, his hand went to rest on sho's shoulder like habit, patting him in encouragement, but it only served to make sho more nervous; he was sure they both noticed how the moment lasted just a little too long.
sho glanced to look at zhongxing's face. which he shouldn't have, because of course, with his luck, he was looking back already, again.
but the look in zhongxing's eyes was so gentle, almost worried. but still, he smiled; "fighting."
and sho started to smile, too. "fighting. jiayou."
zhongxing gave a laugh, his gaze still warm. but sho could see how it changed in an instant when the staff called out to them to get ready; how the sweetness in his eyes dialed back down to 0, how he lifted his hand from sho's shoulder (which he hadn't even noticed was still there), and turned to face the others.
sho mirrored his actions, following closely behind him to go on stage. but even as he got there, the look in zhongxing's eyes lingered in his mind; both as a source of strength and a source of question.
because why in the world was sho spending this much time around zhongxing, without even realizing it? and why was he thinking about him this much; why was the main memory the way that zhongxing smiled at him?
-
4.
sho quietly sipped his coffee; if you could even call it that, with all the special flavorings and whipped cream he'd added. but somehow, zhongxing's was something even sweeter, and sho was pretty sure there wasn't even any coffee in it. sho had expected zhongxing to be an iced americano person, so seeing him across the table, thoroughly enjoying a sugary strawberry cream frappuccino was incredibly out of character. but still cute.
(zhongxing had wanted to order for himself on the way in, and sho had taught him exactly what to say; but somewhere along the way, zhongxing forgot everything, and had to awkwardly stand beside sho as he gave the order for him. sho could've sworn he heard the baristas giggling about it once they left the line.)
the two of them had come to the café early in the morning on a whim, being bored out of their minds on the break between the first stage and the eliminations. many of the korean trainees had decided to visit home, which left the dorms a lot more quiet than they used to be, and the foreign trainees to have nothing to do.
some of the others had promised to bring sho out somewhere, but they'd left without him; and upon complaining about it to zhongxing, he proposed going out for some coffee. sho agreed, because coffee sounded nice, and he did want to spend some time with zhongxing.
they'd grown even closer since the first stage was over – it was easy when there was no competition, no stress. but still, in the back of his mind, sho knew that it'd all be coming back soon enough. and he wasn't blind, he saw how people were talking about him, how he was being portrayed.
who knew what'd happen? he tried not to think of it too much, but the thoughts always came back to his head. and somehow, zhongxing knew sho well enough already to know when he was stressing about it.
"sho," he said, reaching to give a slight tap to sho's hand. sho lifted his head up to see that zhongxing was giving him the same look as he usually did. "stop thinking."
sho pouted slightly. "i can't."
"why?" zhongxing tilted his head, and he brought his hand up from where it had rested on sho's to brush his newly-cut hair back. he looked at sho as if he were analyzing him and his mood, even though he likely already knew why he was feeling down.
"i'm scared."
"i know," zhongxing paused. "you will be okay. trust me."
"okay," sho mumbled. he wanted to believe it – he did come to trust zhongxing a lot, even if they hadn't known each other for long.
zhongxing didn't look convinced by sho's reply, and without responding, he pulled out his phone (the staff had allowed everyone to have those again, but with a strict 'no social media' rule, as if anyone would listen to that). sho adjusted the hem of his sweater vest, took a few more sips of his coffee, and by then, zhongxing had typed something into his translator.
no matter what happens, you will be fine. you're very good, you deserve good things, too.
sho looked up to zhongxing, cursing him in his mind for writing something so sappy. he was not about to cry in the middle of this café. so, instead, sho said a soft, "thank you," and his hand reached to hold onto zhongxing's without thinking about it.
zhongxing gave his hand a squeeze back, not saying anything else. that was enough to calm sho's nerves; even if just for a short while.
-
&1
sho melted into zhongxing's arms as the taller boy held him. his head rested on zhongxing's chest, one hand right beside it; savoring the warmth of his arms that he'd only felt ever so often.
and probably wouldn't feel again.
zhongxing held him with one strong arm, rubbing sho's shoulder and looking down at him with a complicated smile.
all sho could muster up was "fighting." he could think of so much he wanted to say, so much he wanted to tell and confess, but it was too late. too many people around, too many cameras. not the time.
still, though, it took zhongxing a long time to let go, as if he was trying to memorize the way sho felt, too.
"i'll miss you," zhongxing muttered, his voice soft and delicate.
"i'll miss you too," sho responded, bringing himself as close to zhongxing as he could before they had to step back.
sho was about to step back; to escape to the corner and feel less burdensome for his crying, but before he could, zhongxing reached out a hand, and almost too quickly, sho held it with both of his own.
quickly, briefly, zhongxing's other hand rested atop sho's as he spoke, carefully, "trust yourself."
sho wiped his eyes with his sleeve, nodding with as much enthusiasm as he could.
"keep your dream."
sho looked up, into zhongxing's eyes. his gaze was so genuine, worry mixed with warmth and something else sho just couldn't place. he couldn't find the words to respond, either. his own feelings were too complicated to put into words, especially now. "fighting."
and for one last time, as the cameras switched focus, zhongxing pulled sho close to him, resting his head atop sho's.
sho took a shaky breath, feeling the way his heart was beating and his head was spinning. "thank you…" he choked out, "for everything."
zhongxing understood. he pulled back, and embarrassingly, sho almost tried to stay close for longer. zhongxing's hand raised to hold the back of sho's neck; a horribly familiar gesture that only reminded sho of how different things would be now. "bye," he said with a smile.
sho smiled back, as best as he could, and it faded the moment that zhongxing turned around. sho didn't move, didn't go to find other people, hoping uselessly that maybe, just maybe, zhongxing would come back, or things would miraculously change.
they didn't.
somehow, this felt like both the end of the world and the start of something better.
whatever it was, sho felt that it wouldn't be the same. and no matter how briefly they knew each other, sho felt that his unsaid words would haunt him, staying in the back of his mind with the shining image of zhongxing's smile that could never be erased.