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Tommy and Sauli were stumbling through the hall towards the suite Adam and Sauli were staying in London. It was late and they were both drunk. Adam was still talking with Brain and Roger at the bar. Sauli saw Tommy fighting with the jetlag und decided to save him, pretending he was tired himself.
“I won’t stay long Sauli, just one drink.”
Sauli smiled brightly. Something inside Tommy was shifting and he wanted to leave immediately. It was dangerous to stay. It was hard to go.
Before he could change his mind, Sauli pulled him inside und shut the door.
---
They were standing in the middle of the room, facing each other. There was always something between them, just like there was always something between Tommy and Adam. Still, this was different. This could destroy everything for them. They would betray Adam.
“I should go.” Tommy whispered, while his eyes kept locked with Sauli’s. Sauli nodded silently while his fingers reached out to play with Tommy’s bangs.
“Sauli, we need to stop. This is not right.” Tommy’s voice was barely a whisper now.
“I know.” Still his fingers stayed where they were. Their eyes were searching for nothing and everything.
---
“Sauli, make me go.” Tommy whispered when Sauli moved slightly closer. Tommy’s fingers were aching to touch the facial hair Sauli was growing now. “Sauli I will stay if you don’t send me away. But this is a mistake.” Sauli sighed when he moved away, taking those wonderful hands with him.
“I know, you are loyal, Tommy. Adam needs you. That was stupid and selfish. I’m sorry.”
It was now Tommy’s turn to move closer.
“Sauli, it’s not only you. I feel it too, there is something between us. But I can’t lose Adam. I love him too, you know?”
---
Sauli looked up at Tommy. “What do you mean when you say you love him too?” His voice was trembling, his mouth suddenly dry.
Tommy closed his eyes, silently cursing the tongue slip.
“Tommy?”
Tommy shook his head. “No, Sauli, don’t ask me that. Just, let it go, please.”
How did that happen? How did they get there?
Tommy could really slap himself. He opened his eyes, just to see Sauli sitting on the edge of the bed, face in his hands, shoulders trembling.
Tommy’s heart was breaking for Sauli. He knew there was no way this could go on.
---
Maybe it would have been easier, to just leave. But Tommy was never the one choosing the easy way. He went down on his knees in front of Sauli and pulled his hands away from his face. Tears were running down those high cheekbones. Still all what Tommy could think of was how breathtaking Sauli was.
“Sauli, we need to stay strong. You love Adam and you are both right for each other. I will stay your friend. There can’t be anything more.”
Sauli sniffed. “I know Tommy. But it hurts. I want you both, love you both. So badly.”
---
Tommy closed his eyes against the emotions he could clearly see in Sauli’s eyes.
“I feel the same.”
Then they pulled each other in their arms and cried silently about what never would be. After a while, Tommy backed away, leaving a kiss on Sauli’s cheek. He got up and walked slowly towards the door. He had to put distance between them. They just needed some time to work that out.
“Tommy, don’t just leave me.”
Tommy didn’t turn around. “I have to go. You know that.”
With that he stepped out of the suite and walked to his room.
---
Once inside he let himself mourn the loss of a love not meant to be. Tears were running down his cheeks in a never ending stream. He’d find a way to deal with that tomorrow. He had to.
He had to stop those feelings. There was no way to get what he wanted. Life didn’t allow things like that. Adam could lose his career. Damn, Sauli could lose Adam. Tommy could lose them both.
That was no option at all!
He had to find a way out of this love. He owed it Adam and Sauli.
He owed it himself.