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Tommy was tired. He was actually exhausted. When his plane landed in Los Angeles, all he wanted was to get home and sleep.
He stepped out into the sunshine of California and couldn’t stop the smile that was slowly spreading over his face. He missed the sun and the warmth. The last weeks in Europe were so cold.
Even Helsinki was cold.
Tommy shivered at the memory of watching Sauli and Adam after the concert in the club. After all those months it still hurt to be around Sauli. But it was so good too. It made him feel alive.
***
Tommy sighed when he walked into his house. He closed the door and leaned against it. He closed his eyes and let his head fall back.
Behind his closed eyelids he could see Sauli dancing in the club. His body was moving to the beat of the song while he smiled at Adam. Sauli’s hands were running down Adam’s back and grabbed his butt. Adam was laughing while he leaned down for a kiss. When the kiss ended, Sauli’s gaze landed on Tommy. The sadness and the longing in Sauli’s eyes almost made Tommy’s knees weak. It hurt so much.
***
A single tear slipped out of Tommy’s eye and he wiped it angrily away. It was time to move on! Why was he still hanging on to that hopeless love?
“Why did it take you so long?” Sauli’s voice startled Tommy and his eyes shot open.
“What? Why… Why are you here, Sauli?” Tommy’s voice was barely above a whisper.
Sauli stepped closer to Tommy. “I missed you.”
Tommy snorted. “But we just saw each other in Helsinki.”
Sauli shook his head. “Not the way I wanted to see you. Not the way I wanted to talk to you. Not…”
***
Tommy held his hand up. “Stop! Don’t go there. Please… Just… Please. Don’t.” He hated how desperate his voice sounded.
Sauli sighed deeply. “Tommy…”
Tommy took the last step that separated them. He put his hands on Sauli’ shoulders. “ Sauli, please! Stop before you make it even more difficult. We can’t be anything more than friends. We agreed on that one.”
“No, Tommy! We didn’t agree on anything. You just left. You decided to go and leave me behind. That’s what happened.” Sauli moved out of Tommy’s grip and turned away. Tommy was now frustrated. “What do you want?”
***
Sauli spun around, anger in his eyes. “I want you! I want Adam! I want you both! Yes, I’m selfish like that!”
With that the anger left Sauli’s body. He let his head fall towards his chest. He clenched his fists. “I will just go. I’m sorry.”
Tommy moved fast. Within only a couple of seconds, he was holding Sauli in his arms. He pulled him close against his chest and held him tight. Sauli was breathing hard against Tommy’s neck. “I’m sorry, Tommy. I tried to stop it, I tried so hard. But I just love you so much.”
***
Tommy pulled slightly away and took Sauli’s face in his hands. They gazed into each other’s eyes. Tommy let his eyes caress Sauli’s face. It was like a reunion after London. He loved that face, he loved that man. His heart was in his throat, taking his breath away. For a few minutes he could forget whom he was holding in his arms. He could forget that Sauli was not his. He let himself fall into the feeling between them and bathed in the dream of them together. Of loving Sauli and being loved by Sauli. A dream so good.
***
But sometimes dreams are just what they are. They stay in a place so close, but still out of reach.
Still before Tommy pulled away from Sauli, he allowed himself being selfish for once. He allowed himself to forget about Adam. He let his thumb stroke over Sauli’s lips and leaned down to take a kiss.
When their lips touched Tommy knew he would always remember that feeling. Sauli opened his mouth with a sigh and they lost themselves in the kiss. Then they pulled away and stared at each other and knew they couldn’t walk away from that anymore.