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The gray, cold weather of the season kept the whole city wrapped in a sort of collective nostalgia; people came and went with umbrellas or raincoats, trying to reach their destinations quickly, avoiding the wind and the rain.
Jisung watched every little detail of the people on the sidewalk through the car window; he noticed how some walked calmly, accompanied by someone else, laughing. Office friends who didn’t care about getting wet, a few students running, pointlessly covering their heads with a notebook.
The music gave him the kind of calm he sometimes needed to truly admire his surroundings, to keep intrusive thoughts from spiraling into a panic attack; so he focused on the view ahead, watching the rain fall harder.
Today, their schedule ended relatively early—at least compared to how packed it usually was. Luckily, he wouldn’t have to wake up early the next day, so he thought maybe he could watch a movie until he passed out.
With that plan in mind—and thinking of what else he could do at night to avoid falling into that mental void—a soft voice called his name. He realized the car had stopped and turned to the source of the voice, finding his manager holding out a hand to help him out of the van.
He barely smiled as he accepted the help, quickly covered by an umbrella. Despite the torrential rain, he thought he could hear (or maybe it was just paranoia) the clicks of cameras. Panic hit, and he lifted his gaze, searching for fans who might be following him—but there was no one around. He finally let out the breath he had been holding. Adjusting his bag on his shoulder, he thanked the staff for walking him up to the building.
Behind him, he could hear Minho’s quick steps, so he stopped to wait. Minho smiled at him in gratitude, and the two of them got into the elevator, pressing the button to his floor. They had both had crazy schedules, and if it weren’t for Bang Chan’s request (more like an order), Jisung would still be stuck in the recording studio, beating himself up over a note he couldn’t hit or a rhythm he couldn’t find.
Neither of them said a word on the way up, and Jisung was thankful for that—he really didn’t feel like coming up with some dumb joke just to make his hyung laugh. As soon as they entered the apartment, three balls of fur rushed to greet them, breaking the silence as Minho bent down to shower his cats with affection.
Jisung smiled at the sight.
“I’m going to my room, hyung” he announced, wasting no time shutting himself in.
Oddly, everything was in perfect order. He wasn’t particularly messy, but sometimes there were notes scattered everywhere, his guitar lying on the floor. He smiled faintly, set his bag on the table by the window, pulled out his things, and put them in their place. Before he could sit on the bed, he noticed a box with a note on it.
*“No locking yourself away on your day off. Come upstairs—I made your favorite food and picked out a bunch of movies.
Binnie hyung won’t be back until he finishes whatever he’s doing with Chan hyung in the studio, and Bokkie’s going out.*
*I also left you a gift—if you like it, bring it over.*
Hurry up!”*
—*H <3*
He set the note aside and opened the box, finding a new pair of cream-colored headphones. Both sides were engraved with “HJ,” and his heart skipped a beat because he knew this detail was personal—just for him. He grabbed his comfiest pajamas, setting them aside to be ready after a shower.
In the shower, his gaze kept flicking toward the razor blade, countless thoughts of whether to do it or not running through his mind.
*Why?*
He always questioned the reason for wanting to do it; whether it would be better or not. He knew the answer, which is why he fought so hard to ignore those intrusive thoughts, finishing his shower and changing into the comfy pajamas—one of his favorites, gifted by Felix. He silently thanked him for it.
He quickly packed a small bag with the headphones, a notebook with his pen, his phone charger, and then went to his candy drawer, stuffing it with packs of sweets—two of each kind. Now he was ready. Leaving his room, he found Minho dressed in more comfortable, homely clothes, cooking something in the kitchen. When he noticed Jisung’s presence, he looked up.
“Heading to Hyun’s?” he asked, returning to whatever smelled so good in the pot. Jisung hummed a little tune in response, then spoke.
“Mhm. I won’t be back until tomorrow, so you have the evening free with Min.” he smiled, slipping on his dino slippers (Chan’s gift) before heading out.
He pressed the elevator button, going three floors up, and quickly reached the familiar door with the number 801. A single press of the bell and the door flew open, revealing a freckled blonde, apparently in a rush.
“Hi and bye, honey I’m late for an interview. Have fun!” Felix said, planting a quick kiss on his cheek before running off toward the elevator.
Jisung blinked, not understanding what had just happened. Sure, Felix could be affectionate, but usually only on special occasions—like when they won an award. Not randomly like that. Then Hyunjin appeared with a smile.
“That dummy fell asleep and forgot he had an interview at Samsung.”
The older one’s soft voice made Jisung’s heart race, cheeks flushing. That feeling only grew stronger when those long arms wrapped around him in a warm hug, followed by a kiss on the crown of his head.
His heart was going crazy.
“*Hey, my love.* Are you hungry?” the tall one asked, guiding him inside. The apartment wasn’t much different from the one he shared with Minho, except for the decoration, which carried Hyunjin’s harmonious, artistic touch everywhere Jisung looked. Even the paintings on the hallway walls made him proud—one day, he’d see his boyfriend’s work in an art exhibition.
He nodded, following him to the kitchen, where he sat at the breakfast table and watched Hyunjin prepare plates, setting two generous portions down.
Jisung’s stomach growled so loudly that he flushed red, covering his face in embarrassment. All he had in his stomach was that morning’s coffee. Hyunjin smiled, taking his hands and placing a gentle kiss on them.
“It’s fine. Relax, eat.”
So many questions ran through Jisung’s mind.
*Why is he still with me?*
Most people he’d met walked away, unwilling to deal with his messy head when he couldn’t “act like an adult.” But Hyunjin always made him feel like he was there for him. Like the others, sure—but Hyun’s way was so warm that Jisung often felt guilty for not getting better after therapy sessions.
He didn’t want to be a burden to his boyfriend or the members.
The first bite melted in his mouth, and he couldn’t stop the little moan of delight at the explosion of flavor. Better even than his mother’s cooking. He knew it—Hyun knew it. His eyes lit up as he looked at him, and Hyunjin’s smile grew at the reaction.
They enjoyed their dinner together, Hyunjin giving him time to respond and smoothly changing topics if he noticed him uncomfortable. Afterward, Jisung helped wash the dishes while Hyunjin packed leftovers into containers for tomorrow.
They headed into Hyunjin’s room—always perfectly organized, every corner reflecting his personality. Shelves lined with photos of their trips and funny moments together.
Whenever Jisung was in his boyfriend’s room, he felt at home. Everything else faded, leaving only Hyunjin’s words.
He studied every detail of his face, smiling faintly before surprising Hyunjin with a hug. The taller one was caught off guard but wrapped his long arms around him, enjoying the warmth and silence. He guided them to the small floor sofa by the window, overlooking the rain-drenched city.
Hyunjin pulled him into his lap, caressing him until his tension eased. Then, he carefully ventured a question.
“Did you like the gift?” he asked, stroking Jisung’s wavy hair.
“Mhm, yeah.” Jisung buried his face deeper into his neck, breathing in his cologne. “I loved the personalized detail.”
Hyun smiled, turning his gaze to the gray clouds covering the night.
“What happened today?” he whispered. He knew Jisung heard, feeling him shift slightly, so Hyunjin held him tighter.
“I… I…” Jisung stammered, the heaviness returning to his chest, his mind spiraling back to the scene with Chan and Bin in the studio—the reason they’d forced him to rest.
Because he had been drowning in his own thoughts again.
“It’s okay. You don’t have to force yourself to talk. You know I’ll listen whenever you’re ready.” Hyunjin’s hand rubbed soothing circles on his back.
Jisung sighed, focusing on the caresses. He feared that if he said everything in his mind, Hyunjin might decide it was too much and leave. Deep down, he knew that wasn’t true—Hyunjin would never leave him over that. But right now, words failed him. The only clear memory was how desperate he had felt—pulling his own hair, screaming in pain.
At that memory, tears threatened to spill as he clung tighter to Hyunjin.
————
⚠️ Trigger warning: panic attack and self-harm mention ⚠️
[In the morning, 10:47 am]
“Alright, Innie, try to keep it softer this time, so your voice stands out from the guide track.” Changbin said, jotting notes on the song sheet and tweaking buttons. Bang Chan sat on the studio couch, while Jisung sat on the other, headphones on, nodding his head, scribbling in his notebook only to immediately erase.
Of course, the three noticed—but Jisung looked so focused that they let him be. While the two older ones adjusted settings and guided Jeongin, Jisung grew frustrated with the meaningless words on his page. The melody in his headphones didn’t fit; it didn’t scream “We are Stray Kids.” It sounded generic, and he didn’t want that.
He wrote again, but realizing the verse was worse than before, he tore out the page with a growl, ripped off his headphones, and slammed them to the floor, breaking part of them.
*Is that it?*
*I can’t even write decent lyrics.*
*I’m useless in music.*
*I should just quit and give up.*
*Even a kid could do better.*
Covering his ears, he tried to block out his own voice in his head. His chest tightened, sweat soaking him though he felt cold, his stomach twisting in pain. Tears blurred his vision as he choked on his own breath.
Strong arms—Changbin’s—tried to stop him from pulling his hair, but it didn’t work. Bin ended up scratched from the struggle. It was Bang Chan who pinned him against the couch, and with Bin’s help, they finally stopped him from hurting himself, though his sobs still shook his body. Innie’s voice called out to him, but it was drowned by the cruel noise in his head.
It wasn’t until maybe an hour or two later—time blurred—that Innie left. Jisung finally calmed down enough to ask Chan to let go. Chan hesitated but did. He moved aside, watching him carefully.
“That’s enough, Hannie. Go rest.” Changbin said, sitting beside him, gently fixing his damp hair.
But Han quickly shook his head.
“We’re behind… we have to finish, we can’t disappoint Stay… I can’t disappoint you guys.” he whispered. Exhausted, but unwilling to stop.
“This isn’t up for debate, Han Jisung.” Chan said firmly, packing up Jisung’s things into his backpack. The younger had already begun scratching at his arms when Changbin caught him, holding him in a tight hug.
“Hyung, please… let me finish… Please.” —Jisung begged, eyes brimming with tears.
He needed to finish before he allowed himself to rest. But Chan shook his head again, unyielding. Jisung fell silent, lowering his head in guilt. He knew Chan spoke more as a brother than as a leader, and that made the guilt heavier—he didn’t want to see the worry in their eyes.
Not because he feared blame—he knew they would never reproach him.
But because he feared their concern.
⸻
Hyunjin gently wiped his boyfriend’s face, admiring every detail—the constellation of moles on his slightly tanned skin, his teasing lips, the shape of his cheeks, those boba eyes that usually sparkled with mischief but now were sad, red and swollen from crying, framed by soft dark circles. To Hyunjin, Jisung was living art—every expression a moving painting he could read.
He was so in love, it hurt to see him suffer.
Before Hyunjin could say anything, a flash of lightning rattled the window, thunder booming as the lights cut out, leaving them in darkness. Knowing Jisung’s fear of thunderstorms and the dark, Hyunjin quickly grabbed his own noise-canceling headphones and gently slipped them over his boyfriend’s ears.
A simple gesture.
But full of love.
The brunette smiled at his surprised face and pressed a tender kiss to his lips, speaking slowly so he could hear.
—“I love you.” —
—“I love you more.” —
Hyunjin knew the panic attacks drained Jisung so much he could sleep for hours afterward. He knew as long as the negative thoughts swirled in his mind, Jisung would feel insecure, guilty over words that may or may not even carry weight.
Hyunjin knew Jisung was the most fearful person he’d ever met. And yet, he loved him. Loved him as much as the very first day—from their very first “fight.”
Hyunjin was the noise-canceling headphones Jisung needed in his life.
Jisung was the masterpiece Hyunjin would restore and admire endlessly.
🩵💙
Hi there!
This is my very first time writing something related to Stray Kids and their ships in general. I love Hyunlix and Minsung too, but the ones who completely stole my heart were these two—I just can’t help but write about them.
Sorry if there are typos or small mistakes—if you point them out, I’ll fix them.
Enjoy reading, and thank you!