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It all started when... well, he wasn't exactly sure when the hell it started.
For all that he had scoffed at Umemiya's notion of dialogue via a fight, Haruka couldn't deny afterwards that something had happened between himself and Togame that day right after the school year began. They had come to some sort of understanding whether they had intended to or not, and it wasn't easily forgotten despite how much he told himself it was unimportant.
But he forced it and everything else with Shishitoren a little out of his mind. Bigger new things kept happening that required his attention, anyway. He had thought that Togame was strong or whatever, and it was good that he had promised to quit acting like such an asshole, but if Haruka wasn't going to see him again, what difference did it make? And if anyone ever claimed that he inspected the mouth of that tunnel a little too closely when they occasionally walked by the overpass with the lion head graffitied on it - no, he didn't.
When Endo had come into the picture and threatened Furin and Makochi, and Haruka had been scrambling for ideas of how to prevent their town being thrown upside down in the worst case scenario, Togame's face and strength had come to mind. He had criticized himself for it at the time, of course - reminded himself that Togame and Shishitoren may have been their allies now but that didn't necessarily extend to fixing Bofurin's problems for them. But he couldn't shake the recollection of that understanding that had passed between them on the stage at the Ori, nor could he shake the way Togame had smiled at him afterwards when they were leaving. Haruka wouldn't have admitted to anyone that the smile occasionally haunted his passing thoughts. He hadn't understood it or known what it meant, but- but it was there in his thoughts once in a while, was all.
So in the end, he had gone back to Shishitoren's turf to ask for some back up, his pride swallowed down as best as he could manage, and saw Togame again for the first time since they had fought in April. He had shorter hair and a notable lightness in his step then, and he had willingly listened. He had been patient, and friendly, and assured Haruka without reservation that they would step in if they were needed. He hadn't asked for anything in return. In fact, he hadn't asked many questions at all about what or why or who. He hadn't said, "let me think about it," or, "I'll discuss it with the rest of them and let you know." He had only asked, "when do you need us?" as if he hadn't even needed to consider before agreeing.
And he had been true to his word as Haruka had secretly known he would be, because Shishitoren had come. Togame had come himself to back up Haruka directly, offered sunny smiles and told him he was cool, and had faith in him when he asked for a second chance to follow through on dealing with Endo.
Haruka hadn't known what any of that meant either, and that was really pissing him off a lot, how it often seemed to be the case that he didn't really understand things when it came to Togame specifically.
Once the afterparty had ended and everyone had gone their separate ways again, he had known he probably wouldn't see Togame again for quite a while. There was just no real reason for them to come together.
...Or, at least that had been what he thought until Togame - who was set on subverting expectations, apparently - reached out and began inviting him to do things.
First was the summer festival. He had never been to something like that before and Togame had made it sound sort of interesting, so he had agreed despite his uncertainty. He spent a lot of it with his classmates since Togame got stuck helping out at a booth, but later they sat together on a bench and ate, and then they watched fireworks side by side. And Togame's eyes were so green and so sincere when he told Haruka a few things he had never been told before: that he didn't need to be anyone else, because he was enough the way he was. That Togame would still believe in him - would still believe that he could achieve what he wanted to achieve - if he was just himself. It had nearly been too much to bear, hearing all of that. Haruka didn't know what to do with all of that faith, where to put it inside himself. There was really no space in him where it could fit.
But he was sure that Togame had gotten what he wanted in the end because despite not having anywhere to put it, or comprehend it, or really understand why he was buying Togame's words, he started to believe it a little. Togame had sounded so certain that it was difficult not to believe him.
A few weeks after that festival, Togame had reached out to him again to ask whether he wanted to go somewhere in town. And Haruka had gone, because... he supposed he just had not had a reason to disagree. It was fine, hanging out together that way, and apparently Togame had thought so too because the invitations had continued to come every other week or so until they were spending time together pretty regularly.
Then Haruka had begun feeling guilty like he was a bad - well, Togame was always saying they were friends now and they hung out, so he supposed he couldn't in good faith insist otherwise - a bad friend, since Togame was always the one initiating, and so one week he had been the one to awkwardly invite Togame to go somewhere. (And it had unsurprisingly been Cafe Pothos, because he realized upon further consideration that he didn't really go many other places and thus didn't have a whole lot of spots that he could suggest.)
Things had just continued to go on that way between them and it was usually fine, he guessed.
But sometimes he thought about Togame and it felt odd to him, in a way he did not feel about anyone else. Almost as if he were more on high alert and preoccupied when he was about to see Togame or when he actually did see him. And it shouldn't have made him feel that way, because Togame hadn't done anything wrong: it was the opposite.
It was probably just because Haruka still wasn't used to people being that nice to him, he decided. He still needed time to process that once in a while. It even continued to feel a little weird with people like Nirei and Suo, who were his vice captains and thus sort of obligated to treat him decently. If he saw those two practically every day and it still threw him sometimes, of course it would feel even more weird coming from someone he saw less frequently who had much less reason to be so nice to him, like Togame. That was the source of the odd feeling.
That made sense. So he overlooked the feeling whenever he had it, and he continued going along with the idea of spending time together when he was available, and it was fine. He would eventually shake that sense of oddness.
His lunch wasn't as peaceful as he would have preferred one afternoon, because one of the twins on Tsubakino's team had started dating a girl and apparently everyone wanted to yap about it. Haruka didn't know which brother it was because he couldn't actually tell them apart; all he knew was that one talked and one didn't. But Tsubaki seemed more excited about it than the guy himself because he kept going on and on about how cute it was, and that it was very traditional and sweet that she gave him chocolates to confess (someone remarked that was common to do in their town year round), and all this other stuff Haruka didn't care about.
"Oh, look!" Suo observed in mock surprise. "The Sakura-kun romance sensor is already going off and we've barely heard anything yet!" He of course pretended not to hear Haruka's demand that he shut his big mouth and exaggeratedly cupped a hand around his ear. "Was that the wind I heard?"
Intending to stuff his face until he was too full to listen to anyone's nonsense, Haruka pulled the top wrapper off the container to dig into his lunch. "If I gotta hear anymore about this, I might choke."
"Haven't you ever been in love, Sakura?" Tsubaki asked with way too much intensity for that sort of question.
"Nope," he reported in between bites. "That kinda stuff ain't for people like me."
The way Tsubaki's eyebrows fell mournfully was completely unwarranted. He wasn't upset about it, so why should Tsubaki be? "I mean, you must have at least had a little crush at some point, though?"
"Never." He reached out with his chopsticks and knocked Nirei's notebook off the table and into his lap when he caught him beginning to scribble in it, to a verbal noise of dismay from the vice captain in question. "Quit writin' useless crap about me."
Tsubaki planted his palms on the table and leaned in (to which Haruka reflexively leaned further back) to scrutinize him more closely. "Well, there are people who don't get romantic feelings for other people that way but I'd be very surprised if you were one of them, Sakura. You just feel everything so strongly."
"I do not!" was Haruka's adamant objection.
Tsubaki freed one hand from the table to waggle a finger at him. "Right, exactly like that! That's what I'm referring to!"
Haruka clamped his mouth shut at that, unwilling to offer any more ammunition to support such claims. He also pointedly pretended that he didn't see Suo over there smiling his 'the way you peons suffer amuses me' smile, which was the worst type of Suo smile.
"It's fun to be in love, though!" Tsubaki insisted animatedly while swinging into a seat on the opposite bench and settling his chin on the upturned heels of his hands. "Life just feels so much more exciting."
"Hey," Haruka objected with a slight recoil when a heeled boot bounced off his shin. "Watch where you're kickin'." He didn't know what planet Tsubaki was living on with that 'it's fun' claim, but it definitely wasn't this one.
He hadn't been in love or anything but he had the gist of it, enough to know that it was the level of trust you had to have in friends multiplied by about a thousand. What was fun about that, putting every single bit of your confidence into someone and just leaving it to chance whether they were going to screw you over or bail on you? And after you had probably trusted them with a kind of closeness even friends didn't get. That wasn't fun; it was self-sabotage. It was asking to get kicked while you were down, and maybe Haruka enjoyed a good fight but that didn't mean he actively wanted to suffer something more than bruised skin or fractured bones. There was a small weak spot still inside him that he had never quite been able to shake regardless of how hard he tried, one where people would be able to hurt him if they aimed carefully enough.
He had some faith in the people close to him nowadays, he really did. They had proven themselves. But it felt like the sort of closeness in some deeper relationship would be... a lot. That would take a whole lot of faith, and he didn't think he was capable of the amount that would be required. It simply wasn't something for him, as he had said before.
Tsubaki was evidently intent on continuing with his speech at the moment, and everyone else was just entertaining it (because they were a bunch of enablers or something). "It's nice, because you have someone who you know sees and accepts you."
Haruka snorted and promptly went back to eating. Wasn't that what friends were for? It sure felt like they thought that was what they were for. The people who called themselves his friends, they all... saw him. They even came right out and told him they accepted him; that seemed to be a pretty common element of the whole 'friend' thing. And he had a couple of them now: Nirei and Suo, Kiryu and Tsugeura, Anzai and the others in his class, and Tsubaki. Kotoha at the cafe would probably say she was Haruka's friend if someone asked her. And Togame flat out periodically restated it, like he thought Haruka was going to forget that Togame believed they were friends if he didn't mention it out loud every so often.
"You can't wait to see them or talk to them." Haruka didn't even know whether Tsubaki was addressing anyone at this point, as it seemed more like he was just thinking out loud. "But then it makes your whole day so much brighter when you do."
There, that right there was his proof: if that was being in love, then he hadn't been, because he had never had something like that. He had fun sometimes when he did stuff with the guys and all, but it wasn't like he was counting down the minutes until he saw them or anything clingy like that. He had never done that.
...Well, there may have been a few instances wherein he caught himself repeatedly checking the time on days he was supposed to go meet up with Togame. But that was only because it took him time to get there if he went over to Togame's side of town, so he had to make sure he left early! And when it was the reverse situation, he didn't want to be late if Togame went to all the trouble of walking over to their side. He would be a jerk if he didn't check the time to make sure he was punctual, that was all, he reasoned as he shoved full chopsticks into his mouth. It didn't count.
Somehow, his next bite didn't go down his throat quite as smoothly as the last.
"And they believe in you, so you feel like you can do anything."
Haruka genuinely couldn't believe they were still going on about the same subject at this point and demanded, irritated, "Why would I need anyone to make me feel like I can do stuff? I can just do it."
"It's not that you need them to believe in you to do things. It just feels good that they do, that's the important part." Tsubaki was smiling as if eager to impart some sort of senpai-wisdom to the underclassmen present (but probably mostly Haruka since he was the only one arguing). "It makes you feel so strong."
Strong?
Okay, well, if he were being honest, he may have felt that way a few times. When the guys here at Furin had told him they had faith in him, that they trusted him with responsibilities but he didn't have to shoulder them alone. That had made him feel pretty strong.
And he had felt that way again when-
"I thought that maybe, Sakura, you're going to become the top of Furin one day."
His chopsticks stilled in his hand for just a second.
All of the feelings that had cycled through his chest that night with the fireworks - with Togame telling him that he didn't need to change, that he could accomplish things simply by being himself - they had all been jumbled together and some had been impossible for him to identify. But one of those feelings had definitely been something like Tsubaki was describing. Like he might be capable of doing anything, if Togame was so convinced of it. Like he really had to be worth something, just as Sakura Haruka. It had felt... good, just as Tsubaki described.
He quickly forced his eyes back down to what was left of his lunch and stabbed at it. "I'm plenty strong on my own."
Tsubaki cooed a little and annoyingly patted Haruka's head until he batted his hand away. "You are! But it's okay if you get a boost from other people, isn't it? I know you've picked up on that by now!" Fortunately that must have exhausted his thoughts on the matter because the conversation pivoted in a different direction at that point.
Fucking finally.
As he opened the front door of his apartment later that day and kicked his shoes off in the entryway, he reluctantly admitted that he could deny it to himself all he wanted, but he wasn't oblivious to the picture that had sort of been painted earlier. There had been a common denominator that came to mind in reference to Tsubaki's bullet points about crushes and all that stupid shit, and if he were being honest, this probably gave him his answer as to why he had often felt a little strange when he spent time with Togame compared to everyone else.
He had genuinely believed what he had initially told Tsubaki, that he didn't think he had ever- had a crush on someone. But maybe if he was ever going to have a crush on someone, it made sense that it would be Togame. He was just... pretty cool. He was the kind of person that other people looked up to and whose opinion they valued, despite the mistakes he had made. An easy sort of person to like, now that he had pulled it together. Lots of people might like him. And anybody he liked back, that person would probably be really happy.
He didn't care for the uncomfortable stirring sensation he felt somewhere behind his ribs when he pictured Togame liking some faceless admirer back that way. Why was he doing this to himself? He knew what he was like; he knew what his life was like. Some things were for him and some weren't, and maybe he hadn't known which were which when he was young but he knew now, and it was useless to sulk about it.
He huffed and shoved his face into the futon as soon as he threw himself down onto it. Maybe if he kept his nose and mouth against it long enough, he would suffocate and then he wouldn't have to think about this anymore. Wasn't it just so typical that as soon as he had barely adjusted to having friends, some part of him decided it would be a great idea to go a step further and have a worthless crush on one of them? It was so dumb. He never had to bother with any of this back when he was on his own!
He figured when it came down to it, it didn't make much difference now that he realized his- his feelings. He wouldn't think about Togame any differently than he had already been thinking about him when he hadn't realized the reason, after all. He would just continue to move on with his life and try to ignore this in the background. And he wouldn't do anything differently.
Because he sure as shit wasn't going to say anything about it to anyone, especially not Togame.
At least, that was originally the plan. He was determined to disregard the whole lunch conversation and the conclusions that had followed. Unfortunately for him, his brain seemed to be at odds with what he wanted sometimes.
Coming to the realization he had shouldn't have changed anything. It shouldn't have... but he found that it did.
He hung out with Togame exactly once in the week that followed, when the guy asked whether he wanted to go get something to eat. And it was so much different than before: Haruka felt that he was flushed and more awkward than usual the entire time, which was confirmed by Togame asking him twice whether he was feeling alright and Haruka subsequently stuttering assurances that he was just fine.
After he had returned back to his apartment, Togame had sent him a short text reiterating his offer from the festival, that Haruka was welcome to come to him if he needed to talk about anything. Great. So he was being so blatant about his discomfort that he was making Togame wonder what the hell was wrong with him. Just great.
A few more days passed and he realized that he couldn't continue doing what he was doing. And he wasn't just going to blow Togame off and tell him that he didn't want to see him to avoid the whole situation, because that would be shitty. Togame hadn't done anything to deserve that.
That didn't leave Haruka with a lot of options of how to handle things, though. If things could not stay the same, then something needed to be done differently. So he thought a lot about what he needed to do - what might have been the right thing to do - and eventually came to a decision that he admittedly hated: he probably just had to fess up and tell Togame the truth. That way it would be out there, and Haruka wouldn't be allowing it to bubble up inside and take up so much space, and then he would probably be able to shake it and stop being such a moron, and act normally again. And Togame would-
He didn't actually know what Togame would do. Most likely attempt to let Haruka down easy, telling him that he really appreciated their friendship. Emphasis on the 'friend' part.
This was the fucking worst.
And what was Haruka supposed to say, anyway? Was he supposed to come up with a whole big speech?! Yeah, right: there was zero possibility he could convey his feelings to someone else when he could barely coherently explain them to himself. He wasn't exactly known for his great skills in oration. What he really needed was some way for Togame to just understand what he meant without a huge explanation being involved.
Ten minutes of brainstorming later, he decided that he deserved a kick in the ass for not realizing sooner that the answer was right under his nose: they had been yapping all through lunch about Tsubaki's vice captain and how that girl had confessed to him. So Haruka wouldn't even have to say much, he would just have to give Togame the chocolate and he would get the memo. As painless as it could possibly be, under the circumstances.
That was what he would do, then. All he had to do was get some, go to Togame, hand it over, and go about his business. Easy, in theory.
And the easiest place to find Togame was going to be at Shishitoren's headquarters, but there was no way in hell he was doing it there. Togame's whole gang would be there, eavesdropping and spying on them since half of those guys didn't know how to mind their own damn business.
The next option and where he usually saw Togame was somewhere in public. Haruka certainly wasn't doing it there, either. What if Togame laughed and everyone saw?!
Truthfully, he knew Togame wouldn't laugh even if he thought it was stupid - because he was kind like that, he would try to avoid hurting Haruka's feelings - but the principle still stood. This was something that needed to be communicated in private, between just the two of them.
That being said, his choices for an ideal location were becoming increasingly more limited with each option he eliminated. He didn't think he could ask Togame to come over to his apartment for this. That would be weird! First of all, it looked... small (and haunted, according to Nirei), even if not so desolate inside as it had once been since his classmates had seen to changing that by leaving a whole lot of their shit lying around. Second of all, who asked someone to come to them to offer a gift? What would he say, "Walk all the way over here to my shitty apartment so that I can give you this chocolate and then you get to walk all the way back home"? That would make him look like such an asshole, which was not exactly how someone wanted to look when he was trying to tell a guy- ...well, when he was trying to tell a guy what Haruka was trying to tell Togame. However he thought Togame was probably going to respond, that just wasn't the right move.
The only option that was really left was to do it at Togame's place. And he didn't even know where he lived. He didn't want to ask Togame himself, because he would then obviously ask why the hell Haruka was inviting himself over. If Togame asked that, he thought he would probably lose his nerve and not be able to go through with it anyway. That meant if he really wanted to get all of this out of the way, he needed to get that information from someone else.
Of course, needing to involve someone else reintroduced the issue of potentially everyone and their dog finding out. But he really had no other choice if he was committed to following through with this. He had to get the information somewhere. And if there was one person who was in everyone's business and knew everything there was to know, it was a certain guy with a really annoying notebook habit.
He sucked in a deep breath before slowly typing out a message on his phone's screen:
i need to know where someone lives, can you find out? [12:05]
Because his classmates were glued to their phones for the most part, he did not have to wait long for Nirei's reply.
I can try! Who? [12:06]
Haruka wasn't actually a big fan of lying, but he thought a little white lie or two here might be necessary and justifiable for the greater good. And the greater good was him not looking like a fucking pining loser.
togame
he forgot something when we were in town
trying to get it back to him [12:11]
Do you think you could just ask him for his address? That way you know it's right. [12:15]
He groaned and clawed a hand through his hair. He knew Nirei wasn't trying to be difficult - he was trying to be practical. But damn it, Haruka just needed him to stop asking questions and get him the address! Was it really supposed to be this much work to confess? This seemed like a lot. He was already exhausted and he hadn't even reached the difficult part yet.
Lie number two was unavoidable, really.
not answering
his phone must be dead or something [12:22]
Assuaged by that explanation, Nirei assured him that he would try to find out and would text him back.
Haruka proceeded to wait very impatiently for the next twenty minutes in silence, so much so that he jumped when his phone notification noise sounded again.
Here it is, Sakura-san! And I had to ask Sako-san through Hiragi-san, apparently he said Togame-san isn't at Ori yet today so he might be home. [12:44]
Great, so this had turned into a three-person information pipeline where they all knew that Haruka had been asking after Togame like a weird-ass. He guessed there had not been any other choice. And that last piece of information was very useful - he hadn't even thought to ask that. Fortunately Nirei had overdelivered.
Beneath the message, there was a little square with a pin in it that Haruka tapped, only for it to expand into a map. "Finally."
He felt a little guilty for all the lying, and quickly typed out a sheepish, thanks.
Okay. So now... now he just needed to follow through.
His first stop had to be the store, because he certainly didn't have unopened chocolate - or any chocolate, for that matter - at home to be handing out. He then had to contend with a somewhat awkward exchange with the store attendant after realizing that he probably shouldn't look cheap and lazy by getting Togame the first option for chocolate that he saw on the shelf.
("Is this kind... good?"
"Oh, is this a gift?"
Haruka stiffened as if someone had dumped a bucket of cold water over his head. "No! They're for me!"
The attendant's brow creased, unimpressed by the reaction. "Well, that Royce brand is more popular for this kind of chocolate." And to the surprise of no one, that kind was more damn expensive; figured.)
But now he had the chocolate in his possession, and all that was left to do was... to fess up by delivering them. The hard part.
It took a little while before he was able to force himself to pull out his phone, and the only reason he did not delay any further was that he reasoned he might miss Togame entirely if he didn't hurry up. Hiragi's friend had said he was home earlier, not necessarily that he would be home all day long.
It then took a little while longer to figure out how he was supposed to follow the directions on said phone, and he eventually disregarded them entirely and just tried to navigate on his own using the visible street names when he made the map bigger.
A good two hours probably passed between when he was sent the address and when he was standing in front of the house, and he felt like he had bricks strapped to his shoes for how resistant his feet were to the notion of actually approaching the door.
He hadn't walked all this way for nothing, so he had to do it. He was already here. And then it would be done, and he could stop being so preoccupied thinking about feelings and crushes and all this stuff he didn't need messing his head up, and he could be normal around Togame again. And this was Togame, so the worst that would happen (a polite let down) wouldn't even be that bad, technically.
"Just do it, coward," he ordered himself under his breath, closing his eyes before he rapped on the door twice. There. Now there was no taking it back. He quickly took a single step away, trying not to fidget as he waited with forced patience. It would be quick. He would just hand Togame the chocolate and... and then what? He had to at least say like, a sentence or two. He had run through this for ages but now his mind was drawing a complete blank! He was going to make such a huge mess of this.
And why the hell wasn't Togame answering, anyway? Haruka was doing all the heavy lifting here and the guy couldn't even answer his damn door. If he wasn't home anymore and Haruka had come all this way for nothing, he was going to be so pissed.
He growled under his breath and knocked again, hard. "You big bastard, ya better be home." He was definitely glaring, but it didn't last long because he was pretty sure his eyes shot wide open as his spine tried to jump out of his body when the door began to move.
Fuck, why did Togame have to be home?!
Haruka turned his head ninety degrees to the right (where he was able to focus on a very colorful mailbox next door) and stretched his arm out in front of him, hand clutching the package of chocolates in what was undoubtedly too tight a grip. "Here! These're for you!" he shouted in startled near-panic when the door had opened all the way. The direct method would have to do.
There was silence for a long time. Way too long, actually. Long enough that Haruka was flying through thoughts of how to do damage control after such a dumb, dumb move. He didn't know why he had ever thought this was a good idea, he criticized himself as the hand holding his offering dropped back to his side. Why he thought that there would ever be a positive outcome from him admitting-
"...I'm thinking there must've been a misunderstanding somewhere here."
That wasn't Togame's voice at all! Haruka spun his head and instead of it being tall, reliable, chest-pull-smiling Togame standing there in the door, it was some random old guy.
"Who the hell're you?!" Haruka demanded. Did he get the wrong house?! He had double-checked the number and everything, he couldn't have screwed this up! Or did someone give him the wrong address on purpose? Oh, he was going to kill those guys if they had set this up to play a trick on him.
His demand did nothing to clear up the confusion of this stranger, and he instead frowned with that hint of annoyance that old folks always seemed to get when they felt they were being disrespected by people younger than them. "That seems more like something I should be asking the kid pounding on the front door of my house."
Haruka really had been sent to the wrong address and now he looked like a complete lunatic, for what? All to give Togame some chocolate that he might not have even wanted, and a confession that he almost certainly didn't want either. "I thought this was the right place," he protested half-heartedly in his own defense. "I was lookin' for Togame!"
They were interrupted from any further back and forth by someone calling, "Sakura?" There, that one coming from inside was the voice Haruka had been thinking he would hear the first time. And then, like a savior sent by some god above to rescue him from his embarrassment, Togame's head appeared over the stranger's shoulder. The instant it did, Haruka shoved the chocolate behind his back and out of sight. He had prepared so much to be ready the first time he did this stunt, and now he wasn't prepared since things had gone all sideways on him!
Togame recovered from the surprise of seeing him at his door quickly and that happy smile he always seemed to have to share, ever since he dropped his lame-ass act, popped up on his mouth. "I thought I heard your voice! What're you doing here?" He paused and his eyebrows went up, then back down as he clarified, "Not that you're not welcome or anything, I just didn't know you knew where I lived."
...Aw, shit. Haruka hadn't planned an explanation for why he had that information, either. This whole exercise was crashing faster than a meteor into the earth. "I- uh-"
An olive branch offered by an unlikely source saved him from having to explain himself. "Maybe you should introduce your friend, Jo."
"Ahhh, sorry." Togame stood up a little straighter as if embarrassed at the reminder of his poor manners and gestured with a hand towards the old guy, who had at some point taken a step back to allow Togame to move more into the doorway. "Sakura, this is my grandfather. And this is Sakura. I probably mentioned him to you once or twice."
"Mm-hm." The person who had now been identified as Togame's grandfather looked at Haruka again, studying him differently than he had the first time. "Maybe once or twice," he agreed, overemphasizing a little. It must have communicated something to Togame, because he let out a light chuckle and did that thing where he scratched the short part of his hair in the back.
"Uh- nice to meet you," Haruka forced out stiffly and dipped his head a little, trying to do damage control after having been rude as hell. Good thing Togame hadn't heard that exchange. Normally he wouldn't care much about someone thinking he was rude but this was Togame's family. He thought that he sort of dreaded damaging Togame's opinion of him because he sort of valued that opinion. (A lot.)
With introductions out of the way and his full attention back on Haruka, Togame asked, "So Sakuraaa, what's going on?"
What he should have done was follow through on the reason he had come all the way here in the first place. He should have asked Togame whether he could step outside so that they could have a conversation, handed him the chocolate, let him respond, then gone back home and moved on with his life without the feelings hanging over him, unaddressed and distracting as they were right now. But the longer he looked at Togame, the less motivated he was to do that.
Because a thought had suddenly occurred to him now, seeing Togame's pleasant eyes and pleasant smile, that had not occurred to him before. He had known that Togame would never rag on him about this; he wasn't cruel that way and he actually respected Haruka, so he would give him a pass. But what he could do - and what he probably would do - would be even worse: he could feel embarrassed for him. Haruka could perfectly picture it in his head now, Togame looking a little confused, then recovering and smiling nervously as he tried to figure out how to shut him down in a way that wasn't too harsh. Looking at Haruka and thinking, 'Yikes. I don't know where the hell he got this idea. Why would he think I'd be interested that way?'
Togame was one of the few people in his life who had ever looked at him and seen him for who he was. Hell, not even that: Togame seemed to look at him and see a much better person than he really was. For that to change, for that look to twist into something else, pitying and uncomfortable-
He would have sworn his entire stomach sunk to the heels of his feet at the idea. He would have to crawl under a rock and never show his face again if Togame looked at him that way, thought about how embarrassing and needy he was every time he saw him from here on out. Because it was sort of being needy, wasn't it, if he wasn't satisfied with Togame calling him a friend and treating him well even though he had no obligation to do so? Maybe not needy - maybe just greedy. He never had shit in terms of people who wanted to be around him, then he got them and he wasn't even grateful and content with what he had. He had to go and want even more.
His own faults aside, what it came down to was that Haruka would rather get his ass handed to him in fights every day of the week than have Togame look at him that way. This had to have been one of the dumbest ideas he had ever had in his life, and it was too late to play it off as anything besides what it really was.
Meanwhile, Togame's grandfather was still standing there too, inspecting Haruka like he was searching for clues to solve a murder mystery or something. Didn't he have old guy stuff to go do?! Haruka's awkward presence at his door wasn't a screenplay for his entertainment!
Forget it. Screw this whole idea, he was just going to- to tell Togame that he only came to ask him a question. He would keep hiding the stupid chocolate and make sure that Togame didn't see it when he turned around and left. All he had to do was come up with something plausible to ask him on the spot. It was a shame he wasn't really known for his creativity. "I- I just had to ask you about somethin', so I came out here to do that-"
"Ahh? Sure," Togame agreed easily enough. "Do you wanna come inside?"
That definitely was not going to help the current situation, what with the fucking chocolate hidden behind his back. He couldn't ditch it without Togame noticing at this point. "Oh, nah, this'll be quick..." He mentally scrambled. "I needed to ask you, uh- about-" The wheels in his brain seemed to have ground to a complete halt. Come on, come on...
The good news was that he ultimately did not have to make up some question... because Togame's grandfather suddenly piped up again. "Well now that you found the right person to accept your gift, I guess I'll get back to what I was doing," he told Haruka, neutrally as could be, before turning and walking back into his home as if nothing had happened.
Haruka nearly choked on a mouthful of his own spit before his jaw dropped. What the hell! That old man really just snitched on him without a shred of remorse!
Togame, who of course had no context, simply replied with a curious, "What?" while he watched his grandfather walk away, then turned back to Haruka.
Great. Well Haruka sure wasn't getting out of this situation now. He only had himself to blame for the pitying glances he was probably going to get. "He was talkin' about this," he reluctantly admitted while handing the chocolate over and forcing the package against Togame's chest. As soon as the other had a grip on them, he withdrew his own hand back to his side as quickly as he could.
He intently focused on (pretend) fixing the cuff of his sleeve, so he could not see what Togame's expression was as he asked after a stagnant pause, "This is for me?"
Of all the dumb questions. Haruka's eyes shot up to glower at him. "I brought it to your house, didn't I? Who else is it gonna be for, your grandfather?!"
He was used to Togame moving slowly, but he was markedly hesitant now. The hesitation made Haruka feel even worse. "Ahhh, Sakura... I wanna make sure I'm not misunderstanding you." Despite now seeing his face, Haruka still couldn't tell what he was thinking. For all that he was typically so transparent with his contentment or concern or eager anticipation for a brawl, he was impossible to read at the moment. "What is- thank you for this, but, I'm not sure what it's for."
He was in too deep to back out anyway so it didn't really make any difference, Haruka thought as a heavy sigh crept up on him. He stifled it dead in his lungs before it escaped. "T-the guys at Furin were talkin' about how sometimes this is what people do to- to tell people about- how they feel, now!" He probably hadn't really needed to yell at the end but he had gotten a little carried away. His gaze shifted to somewhere above and to the left of Togame's right shoulder, and he didn't even want to imagine how red his face was. "I knew it sounded really damn stupid but they were acting like people did it all the time, so... I know it's probably really weird or whatever, comin' from me. I don't know-"
-what I was thinking. He shouldn't have done this. He wished he had talked himself out of it, because he had been right the first time in what he had told Tsubaki: this kind of stuff wasn't meant for people like him. Now he was worried that having disregarded that meant he was going to taint something he had genuinely valued. He needed to tell Togame that he wasn't actually expecting anything, that he didn't actually know what had possessed him to do any of this in the first place because now he looked like a real idiot, and that if Togame could just overlook this and act normally then that would be really awesome of him-
"Damn. You're always so cool." Togame's smooth voice was as warm as it had been ever since he had promised to stop being a guy who did shitty things, as Haruka had demanded of him. "You gotta show me up every time, huh?"
Snapping back to attention and refocusing on the guy in front of him, Haruka let out a quiet, "Huh?"
Togame was watching him in such an admiring way, as if nothing else was worth seeing. "I thought of saying something about how I felt about you for months but I kept talking myself out of it, because I was nervous it might make you feel weird around me. But of course you didn't have that problem: you went right in and beat me to confessing." His smile lit up his whole face, the way it always did when Haruka seemingly said something he liked (which he really didn't understand at all because Togame often did it even when Haruka was being pretty snarky towards him). "What a brave guy. Guess that makes me pretty lucky to get you."
Haruka had been prepared to hear a lot of things when he steeled himself to go through with this. The things he was hearing hadn't been among them. "W- ...you, really?"
"Really." Togame paused as if second-guessing himself, then reached out with his free hand and touched right above Haruka's elbow where his arm was hanging at his side. "Did you-" He stopped himself again, head inclining just slightly to the side as his eyes stayed locked on Haruka's (in a way that was nearly too much, honestly; he sort of wanted to look away but resisted the temptation) before he let out a little amused breath that would have been a full chuckle if it had lasted a second longer.
Already very out of his element, Haruka felt his body tense inadvertently at that and Togame clearly noticed it too, because his mouth flattened in a way that indicated he was taking this all seriously. "I'm not laughing at you. I'm laughing at myself: I'm not coming right out and saying what I should even after you did the biggest part." The smile reappeared, if a little less bright than before. "Sorry. I wanna be with you, as in together, and I assumed you felt the same if you're saying all this. But I should probably check first: that's what you wanted from this too, right?"
"I-" The reality was that Haruka had never considered it as an actual potential outcome. Maybe he had once in a while laid on his futon and imagined for a few minutes before he fell asleep what it might have been like if Togame would wrap his arms around him and hold him, or kiss his cheek, or tell him that he liked the way he looked. But little imaginings weren't reality, and he always did his best not to confuse the two. "I didn't think about that 'cause I didn't think this was what you were gonna say," he admitted for lack of any other answer.
Togame's eyes reflected something a little softer but no less fond. "Sounds like we might've both been thinking a lotta the same things." He guided Haruka's arm a little closer, just with his fingertips since he was not actually gripping it at all. The touch was unobtrusive. Barely there, really. It wasn't a touch that was demanding, or requiring; it was only welcoming. Always meeting him halfway, always conscious of not pushing too far. Haruka could count on one hand the number of people in his life who had been that considerate of him. "Do you wanna come in? I can get you something to drink."
"I don't know. I mean, it's your house - is that what, what you wanna do?"
"Yeah," Togame confirmed easily, "I'd love for you to come inside and stay a while."
Haruka still felt pretty out of place, and he knew he would continue to feel that way having further conversation about this. But he was here, and Togame was inviting him, and he- he wanted to try. He would just stumble his way through it the same way he had stumbled his way through the confession itself. Although he had some of that to blame on Togame's grandfather, and he wasn't going to forget that anytime soon. (The truth was that he would remember it as having been the kick in the ass he had needed so that he wouldn't chicken out... but that didn't mean he was going to say 'thank you!')
Togame added, "Better for me anyway, since I might have to reintroduce you to my grandfather appropriately if this all goes the way I'm hoping."
Haruka didn't know what that was supposed to mean. "Ha?"
"Well if I'm gonna start calling you my boyfriend, I'll say that when I introduce you the second time."
If he had long-lasting consequences from all the irregularities in how his heart was beating all over the place today from nerves and shock, he knew exactly whom he would blame. "Y- you can't just decide somethin' like that all by yourself!"
"I'm not!" Togame promised with an unabashedly delighted grin. "I'm gonna decide it with you."
He looked so happy, after all that had been said. This had not been the outcome Haruka had anticipated. And while he might have been a little clueless how they would move forward, that was the only thing he was able to do: move forward. And even if he was nervous, he could not deny that there was something curled up in his chest that loosened only a little, loosened just enough to think, Maybe. Maybe it's okay, if Togame thinks so. He wouldn't lie.
"...Yeah, I guess I can come in."
He didn't have a damn clue what he was doing, but... Togame believed in him in this too, was the way it sounded. So maybe Haruka really was capable of it.
Maybe. Maybe he could find out.