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Confusion wells in his chest as Naruto Uzumaki, a boy he only knew of due to being in his class and his reputation throughout the village, squatted on his desk staring at Sasuke. He hadn’t quite been paying attention to his surrounding til the moment his view was disrupted. Too focused on thinking about what technique could’ve been told to be able to pass the final academy quiz.
The opinions on Naruto throughout the village have always swarmed with ill-mannered thoughts, and Sasuke never quite understood why. He was never able to get a full response from the people around him, or able to get them to even look him in the eye while talking about the boy who’d been exiled from social situations from as far back as he can remember. Although to truthfully say he really cared was a bit of an overstatement. It was just an interesting occurence to him, as insignificant as everything else that didn’t have to do with his older brother was.
His past brief interactions with him were always intolerable at best, Naruto always flunking out or doing bad on exams or making a wreck out of something that should’ve been extraordinarily easy. And although it wasn’t to say Sasuke really despised him, to say he even liked him was a hilarious concept.
So when Naruto stepped onto his desk row just to look at him, annoyance was a little more than clear on his features.
Sasuke watched Naruto’s bright blue eyes narrow and in turn so did his, brows twitching angrily. There was no reason for him to be looking at him. Bright blue irises staring at his own endless black, it was almost uncomfortable how close he was. How closely he was staring, how his eyes flickered judgmentally over the pores over his cheeks, the lashes he had stacked next to one another. He hadn’t blinked yet, and … whatever this was, Sasuke refused to be the first one to “lose”.
Naruto leaned closer for a moment, and the tension only rose. Eyes squinting more to the point that Sasuke could barely tell the color of his irises, though it wasn’t like it truly mattered. His eyes squinted too, frown twisting into something of extreme annoyance compared to the softer expression he had just a few minutes earlier.
And then. It was sudden, the last thing he could’ve ever expected. Especially from a boy like Naruto.
His brows furrowed as lips harshly pressed against his.
His thoughts went quiet, the only thing he could hear was his heartbeat beating wildly in his ears. The sound of the blood rushing to his face, the image of Naruto’s bright blue eyes widening as big as his own.
He couldn’t think. The shock and confusion overtaking his senses, why would he do that. Someone Sasuke had never ever had a complete conversation with a day in his life. Kissed him, took his first kiss, and probably Naruto’s as well. He could feel the heat in his face, just getting hotter and hotter. Discomfiture and uneasiness running hot through his arteries, he could feel every eye on him.
Naruto was the first to pull away, spitting out into the air and gagging despite a face pink as one of the girls-that was standing off to the side-’s hair. Sasuke didn’t quite understand why, it wasn’t like he was the one to suddenly lean in and press their lips together. It was annoying, hurtful in a way he didn’t quite understand.
Although, he quickly followed Naruto’s action as everyone continued to stare in shock. Spitting out into the air and wiping his lips with the back of his sleeve, gagging in order to get the taste of cherry lollipop off of his mouth.
“Why did you do .. that?” Sasuke’s voice came out more questioning than it had earlier, asking and talking to each other a few moments earlier about other moments that’d confused them both. Naruto looked at him wide-eyed and it was awkward and confusing the way his heart rate sped up seeing the bright flush on his cheeks at the question.
It was even more awkward that the question had even come out, a thing he’d been remincising on, unable to get out of haunting the back of his mind since the moment it occurred. Something Sasuke thought about at night and something that would keep him up whilst deep in Orochimaru’s lair. What it was supposed to mean, what it was meant to be. Hell why it even happened when they’d spoken around twice previously.
Naruto’s face was a shade of pink he’d never quite seen before, embarrassment and flusteredness wasn’t truthfully a face that the blonde ever wore. He turned away from Sasuke and his heart whined despite the fact he’d never admit that. Wanting to look at cerulean eyes just a little longer. “Uh..” He stopped, stuttering on his words before frowning.
Sasuke couldn’t truthfully help but laugh a bit.
“It was an accident, honest! Someone shoved me and it just.. happened” Naruto mumbled the words, staring at the grass clenched between his fingers. Sasuke’s eyes widened then creased, staring at Naruto who seemed to refuse to even make eye contact with him.
“Oh.”
It finally made sense.
A laugh matching the one that slipped from his lips earlier left more willingly this time, and then another and another until his lungs compacted in. ‘Til his mouth spread wide and tears formed at the corner of his eyes already squeezed shut. ‘Til his stomach ached and Naruto began laughing with him, although confused and seemingly unable to figure out the reasoning of what had made him be in such hysterics.
Naruto was puzzled, visibly, brows furrowed together yet with a smile gently strung together as if pleased at the sight, Sasuke could tell the emotions clear as he calmed down and as tears of joy melted back into the whites of his eyes. Laughing wasn’t apart of things Sasuke did often, he knew that, especially not laughing til his breaths turned into painful wheezes. Naruto’s expression, so soft and genuine, it only made Sasuke soften more. The hilarity of the situation and his sudden realization of how truly stupid he’d been these past 3 years stressing and overthinking about something that hadn’t even been purposeful had slowly died down into something sweet.
Something that made his heart pulse in his chest as he processed the reasoning behind the overthinking a tad more than he ever had the capability to in the past.
Naruto’s smile grew a tad as he glanced away to the blue cornflowers beside them, noticing the reddish color of his cheeks that seemed to have gotten much intenser than a few minutes before. “What’s so funny?” And Sasuke snorted a soft, small thing, rolling his eyes and fully turning his head to look at Naruto.
“It’s just, for some reason I always thought there was reason behind.. that.-” He makes a gesture with his hand, face flooding a deeper shade of red just referencing the kiss. His voice getting stuck in his throat, unable to truly speak about it as if the whole thing was taboo. “-Since it happened, I guess I’ve always wondered why and now you’re telling me it wasn’t even intentional in the first place” He sighs, tilting his head up hitting the bark of the tree behind them. “So stupid it’s funny.” His cheek hits his shoulder as he looks at the boy next to him.
It was obvious Naruto was carefully deliberating as he mumbled a small “Oh”. He could tell in the way his nose always twitched when he was thinking deeply about something, when his ears wiggled and the borderline invisible fur markings on his face stood straight. Sasuke watched his ears slowly turn a few shades darker matching the color next to and on his nose.
It was cute.
Sasuke immediately felt his stomach churn as the thought appeared and looked away from the boy who always alwaysgave him this.. this sickening feeling. His lip twisted into a scowl as his gaze turned steely. He knew the feelings bubbling in his stomach, he knew them well enough to recognize the bile and nausea creeping up his throat with the fact he’d never feel safe enough to truly speak the things he felt out loud.
It was wrong, dangerous. This feeling wasn’t correct, all of the thoughts garnered and secretly cherished in the shadows of his mind, he knew it wasn’t the right way to feel. The normal way to feel. He knew how gutterly wrong it was, he knew it from the moment he heard his father mentioning previously exiled members of his clan. Calling them words and slurs he knew couldn’t be right.
He remembers asking his mother about it later that day, and her telling him that they were bad words specific for a group of people that weren’t supposed to be accepted. He remembers she was on the track to say something else when his father appeared and burned into his mind that feelings for people other than the opposite gender were to be ashamed of. Something that was unnatural and to be hidden if ever felt or even thought about.
And Sasuke of course, was quick to realise sickening feelings the moment they threatened to arise, however, he was always seemingly unable to ignore them as well as he had always hoped.
Naruto’s eyes shifted looking at him from the corner for a moment, Sasuke’s lip twitched, amused at the sight despite the nausea clawing at his flesh. Naruto visibly swallows, taking a deep breath through his mouth while his lips played between a smile and a troubled frown. His eyebrows staying creased even as he turned his head to look at him. Sasuke could swear the longer Naruto looked at him the more queasy he felt.
( … He couldn’t tell for what reason it truly was due to.)
a“I..” He swallowed loud, and it only seemed to make Sasuke nervous as well “I can do it for real this time?”
Sasuke’s lips parted, his brows furrowed and his heart went loud in his ears as he stared at Naruto and he.. He looked at him with this look in his eyes and Sasuke’s lungs squeezed tight for a completely different reason from a few minutes earlier. Naruto seemed to get closer and despite every bone in his body screaming for him to stop this, to say no and yell at Naruto for saying something so vile. He didn’t, he couldn’t find the strength in him to move as Naruto just got closer til he could feel hot breath hitting his cupid’s bow.
And he doesn’t know why Naruto so suddenly leaned in despite the (hoped visible) abject alarm and unease enveloping Sasuke’s features. Maybe he had tilted his head in such a way it looked different or seemed different, the goosebumps that had so suddenly risen on his skin making his body shake in such a way it seemed like a yes.
Though, it quite didn’t matter as Naruto’s lips pressed gently against his anyway.
And once again, just as when they was younger he could feel the heat radiating in his face, his heart pounding in his ears making him deaf to everything else going on around them. The biggest difference was the sickeningly sweet feeling that he swore shouldn’t be there surrounding his lungs, clogging his nose and causing spreading goosebumps. And while Sasuke’s eyes were wide in shock, Naruto’s were closed so gently as if he was sleeping with a touch so intimate.
And god, god Sasuke wished he could look and be as pleased and calm and happy as Naruto did. He wanted to sink into it and kiss Naruto back with the fervor that he wished he had the capability to do. To recognise everything that was shut down and shoved into the corners of his brain but.. he couldn’t. He could feel the shame climbing up his shoulders and sinking into the pores of his skin within seconds of the gentle touch of Naruto’s lips.
Sasuke’s eyes squeezed shut as his hands automatically went to press against Naruto’s chest, on one half of himself he wanted everything to just give in and kiss Naruto back even if it meant the end of life itself. To give into feelings that had bubbled dangerously under his skin at the simple thought of the blonde haired boy next to him. But the other part of him, it all screamed that it was wrong. It was crude and disgusting whispered from the marrow of his bones. That he deserved death for letting this go on, that vile words were deserved for him.
Shame dripped off his fingertips as he shoved Naruto off, watching as his face shifted into something that was so much more than just hurt.
His nose twitched, eye doing the same after that. Sasuke didn’t know what to feel, what to do. And fuck, Naruto’s face only made it worse, full of fear, the way anxiety held his shoulders still despite the visible shake in his fingers, the visible turmoil behind his eyes and the speeding breaths out his nose. He felt horrible, down to the individual atoms that carried his body together.
Sorrow swirled as seconds passed and Sasuke’s fists curled into the things he’s always been familiar with, and despite the pity swallowing his every organ whole, Sasuke pulled from the forced disgust to display in his eyes.
And seconds later the sides of his fists hit Naruto’s chest in tandem, unintentionally harsh but yet unwilling to harm. Sasuke couldn't bear to look him in the eyes anymore as he pushed him back, fists punching again and again and again ‘til Sasuke could distantly note the pummels on Naruto’s chest shad started emitting a dangerous amount of heat.
“Who do you think you are.” Sasuke’s voice fell from his lips mean. Scratched his throat and made himself recoil with how much feigned rage was stuffed into his words. And despite not truly looking at him, he could tell Naruto’s reaction. His fingers tensed, nails digging in harshly to the bottom of his hand, his body unwittingly still.
Naruto was uncharacteristically silent, even as seconds turned into minutes. Even as Sasuke finally dragged his head up to look at him, eyes glassy with bubbled unshed tears. He couldn’t pick apart his expression, it caught Sasuke off guard. Especially due to the way Naruto always always carried his heart on his sleeve, letting his emotions flow even if they’d be in ways that proved unconventional or simply stupid.
But this time, his face was unreadable. It sickened Sasuke to his core.
Sasuke could tell Naruto thought he did something wrong, that he was afraid. He always got like that when he was too scared to fight, when he knew fighting truly wasn’t an option out. A truth Naruto had seemed to face far too much. The shake yet held completely still like a deer in headlights, eyes squinted; almost shut but yet not in order to keep an eye on the danger whether it be real or artificial. He could tell that at least. He memorized it after their first ever mission when he froze in his tracks, terrified for his life.
But then suddenly, unexpectedly, his face shifted into something else; A sickeningly sweet smile formed on Naruto’s lips, something so soft and true and bittersweet that made the corners of his eyes scrunch as his hand raised despite the look of feigned rage and disgust covering his “rival’s” features. There was something so undesirably somber and defeated about his gaze and his expression, it made Sasuke shudder. Naruto’s thumb wiped away a tear he hadn’t even realised had fallen, circling down to graze Sasuke’s jaw and he didn’t know how to feel.
His head spun as he moved quickly smacking Naruto’s hand off his face, his own stinging at the action. Confusion swirled in his head, it didn’t make sense why was he still touching him. Why did Naruto have the right and why did he want to accept it as much as he did..?
“What. are you doing.” His voice choked up, his guts fell into loops. The feeling that everything in his body told him it was so so so wrong only seemed to get stronger, squeezing his heart and wringing his arteries dry. He felt sick. Sick enough for his stomach to lurch in pain, cramps causing physical pain with the turmoil in his guts.
But Naruto, oh Naruto, he looked so calm, decided, determined. A look typically unsuitable when it came to him.
“Y’know you don't have to be ashamed”
Sasuke stilled entirely and Naruto simply… sat back, leaning against the tree behind them, staring at him with eyes so piercing Sasuke could feel them touch his fast-beating heart as if he possessed the byakugan. “It’s not wrong or anything if that’s what you're thinking” He says it so simply. As if Sasuke’s brain wasn't burning at the mere sentence, as if Sasuke didn’t have the opposite seared into his skull since birth. As if Sasuke couldn't feel the shame creeping up the marrow in his spine at just how they were sitting next to one another.
“Isn’t it just animalizingic.. nature? I mean, thats what Iruka-sensei says.” Naruto’s brows twitched as if he was simply repeating something he had been told while; Anger grew in Sasuke from a shadow between the lungs that kept him alive, enveloping the area around it as Naruto just kept talking. Talking and acting as if he knew what Sasuke was feeling, like he could console him and convince him it was okay like everything around him pointed to otherwise. “He and Pervy Sage always said it wasn't something to be ashamed of or anything. Well actually, don’t you think Iruka-sensei and Kakashi-sensei are like that together? They're a little.. y’know uh-weird around each other” He mutters it quietly and Sasuke’s nose twitches in something related to disbelieving surprise.
Naruto keeps speaking and the disgust filled-rage spreads down the veins of his arms and then fists, he hated Naruto sometimes. He always acted like he knew the truth, that he knew everything and that he could cure all ails with a simple truth that only he genuinely believed in. Although at times it could’ve been admirable, the only thing it was doing to Sasuke as the moment continued was fill him with anger and the undeniable urge to prove him wrong with every feeling beating behind his heart, be them good or “bad”.
His body moves without thinking and his fist clashes with the side of Naruto’s jaw mid-sentence leaving him stunned. His head is forced left as his cheek reddens, Sasuke notes Naruto’s yelp and the blood beading at his newly split lip. And guilt builds up behind his chest, hidden by feelings he didn't know how he could ever explain.
He didn't have the time to feel guilty anyway as Naruto’s nose flared and his fist moved just as quickly and without thought as his own. Hitting his mandible with impressive force for something so sudden, being hard enough to make the bone vibrate against his teeth. And then it was quick, the escalation into them fighting, full on one with their fists. A worrisomely frequent event.
As Naruto tried to throw another punch, Sasuke off to the side. Tanking the hit to his leg instead as he stood, Naruto rushing to follow to ensure the fairness despite the foot forced against his chest knocking him down and causing his breath to waver. He could’ve convinced himself he didn't know why this was happening but it’d be a bold faced lie. After all, Sasuke’s learned how easy it was to dispell feelings that overwhelmed him in his fists instead of words.
And Naruto screamed—a rage enduced growl, standing up strong and throwing a powerful punch hard enough to catch Sasuke offguard and force his feet off balance. It didn't do much other than that though, onky stirring up Sasuke’s emotions more and more.
He could feel the bruising beginning under his skin as more and more punches were thrown between them
And, honestly, Sasuke felt nothing—yet everything at the same time. It felt so wrong, to be throwing calculated fists at the one boy he envied yet adored so intensely. But it felt too normal to stop, even as his eyes went glassy and his vision blurred.
And he didn't know what to do, he didn't. He knew it was wrong, the feelings gathered in his chest. The ones he studied so intensely when he was stuck alone, tiredly regretting leaving. He knew it was wrong from his achilles’ to the bile rising in the back of his throat. His fists shook as Naruto stepped closer, regret and contempt shading his features in a way that just looked wrong.
He took the fist to his face as Naruto threw it, and instead of retaliating against every coherent thought in hus brain. Sasuke snatched the front of Naruto’s orange and black jacket, pulling him close and smashing his lips against his.
And his brain, it finally went quiet.
Just like the first time they kissed. His heartbeat fast in his chest, even more blood rushing to cheeks. The sickeningly sweet feeling returned, it was uncomfortable. The fear of the fact he knew this was wrong, that his parents—his father would know that he was sinning. One of the highest forms of one, it was scary.
But despite the guttural disgust that built up behind his lungs, his hands tremoring, he pushed against Naruto’s lips enough for him to twirl his fingers around black strands. And the longer he ignored the disgust, the more it faded and the more Sasuke couldn't tell feel himself relaxing, enjoying the press against his lips. The turns of heads and the slight nip of Naruto’s teeth. His hands slowly relaxed from the grip he had, slipping up to cup Naruto’s face.
It was something about it, the fact that it was his choice although more so one made on unstable emotions, it was still his choice that made the guilt less hard to swallow.
It was like finally breaking free from a cement block that was holding him down, gluing him to the sea floor as punishment. he felt almost free.
It felt nice, calming, exciting in a way he hadn't truly experienced before. Feelings that had haunted him came under the spotlight, he felt complete.
He felt himself unraveling, his chest relaxing and calming with feelings that he'd ignored for years as Naruto ran his under hand nervously and shakily down his side, Sasuke’s lips parted for a moment and Naruto's followed his lead.
It felt like his feelings were slowly churning out on display.
And he felt seen.
Sasuke panicked as it dawned on him, his eyes shot wide and he shoved Naruto away from him. Stepping back as he wiped his lips. He didn't know what to say, discomfort and something related to fear roamed endless through his body.
And Naruto, he looked so confused, as lost like a puppy. Cheeks as red as his lips. It was cute despite the bile rising up to his throat upon the thought appearing.
The guilt and disgust ate at him the longer he stared at Naruto, swiftly turning around and running into the woods instead. He didn't know where he was going, he just knew it wasn't where Naruto would be.