Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

this chapter was written entirely on a 3 hour plane ride from london to istanbul with brendon urie old streams playing in the background.
be your own good find the bad and clean the dirty.

never get drunk on tuesday night.

ryan ross would tell himself when he was younger and his dad would drink. he would actually just say “never get drunk.”

get drunk every night.

brendon urie would tell himself when he was younger get and his dad would never drink. be would actually just say “get drunk every night with older kids”

“and thank you for listening to our covers!! support us with tips! we love you all!”
brendon said into the microphone. the bar of 23 people with half of them too drunk to notice yelled in joy. he didn’t love them. he didn’t even know them. he just wanted someone to love. brent placed his bass into the case. he went over to spencer to help. “need help?” brent said hovering over him because spencer was on the floor of the stage. “do i ever?” he laughed and began to help him.

brendon placed the microphone where it did belong and walked off the stage to get a drink. ryan followed.
“can i have a beer, corona?” brendon asked the bartender. he looked at him. his head turned. “id?” “its fake anyway” brendon thought. he slid it to him, his fake id. he slid it back. ryan sat next to him “hey” ryan looked at brendon as brendon just watched the bartender get the beer. he could give a flying fuck about the beer. he just wanted ryan to go over to him.

“is brendon seriously getting a drink” spencer laughed to brent. brent looked at spencer then at brendon. “he most definitely has a problem” spencer said. he was one of his closest friends and he was just worried. brent wasn’t. “if you think he has a problem you should meet ryan dad” spencer looked at brent. brent looked at him. spencer stood up and before he began to walk he looked at brent as he stood up. “come get a beer with brendon and me.” brent stood and walked to the bar with spencer.

“hey” brendon said back to ryan. “your vocals sounded better today. were you on vocal rest today?” ryan asked brendon. brendon smiled. he placed the beer into his mouth. “mhm. i got yelled at today because i didn’t say the pledge.” brendon tried not to laugh at himself. “I got yelled at because I forgot my rosary.-“ ryan cut himself off before he could finish his sentence. “YES and i wanted to tell you i have a lyric idea.” brendons eye brows raised. not at the lyric idea. ryan has lyric ideas all the time that are great. he was just shocked he was so proud of himself for this lyric. so loud. the most extroverted he’s been ever actually.

brent and spencer sat down next to ryan and brendon. “hi thank god you’re here i wanted to tell you about my lyric idea.” ryan told them.
brendons smile grew heavy. only he wanted to know ryans lyric. he was the only one to be so proud of ryan.
‘one bud light’ brent mouthed to the bartender and nodded in approval. brent looked like a man with no kids and mods 4 chan so the bar tender didn’t have to ask for an id.
ryan went into explaining the lyric. spencer had a few sips of brent’s beer.

“a rosary tucked inside her linage” ryan began to explain…

a rosary tucked between ryan’s fingers hoping for recognition

a rosary tucked between brendon’s fingers hoping for ryan

can you tell i wrote this in an airplane with my bra being too tight

Chapter Text

spencer walked into his house late. the lights were off. he walked into his bathroom and took off his make up. he used the makeup remover brand ryan told him to use. he only wears makeup to gigs. him taking off his make up reminded him of ryan. he sat at his computer and went onto live journal.
“just played a gig with my fiends” ryan put to it already.

spencer dmed him “g e o r g e”
ryan replied to him “h i” ryan replied. ryan opened his other dm to replied
too.
“on saturday’s the same bar invited us to play there again. i think they like us”
“i think everyone likes your singing”
“i think everyone likes your guitar playing”
brendon wanted to flatter ryan. if just making him feel more confident that would be enough.
“thanks. anyhow i think if we play well at the bar again they’ll have ‘connections to other venues. still the biggest opportunity we will have if pete sees our music.” ryan texted brendon.
“so should i do..?”
“you should go on vocal rest again. your singing is better”

“g e o r g e RESPOND”
“what do you want spencer and please stop calling me george”
“will you tell mummy pig”
ryan didn’t respond.

“if i go on vocal rest and whatever what will you do with your guitar?”
“practice like usual. i’ll try to make it look more attractive so people will notice”
“sex sells? can this quote apply”
“it’s an idiom and yes, it does.”

Chapter Text

ryan ross saw love in many unique ways. love for him wasn’t sex.
love is stealing the alka seltzer hangover relief from your alcoholic dad and giving them to your best friend. so that’s what ryan ross did. expect brendon urie didn’t see it as love. brendon urie saw love in a straightforward way.

the red numbers glow from the alarm. 7:45 is the exact time brendon has to start getting ready for palo verde high school,zip code 89144, las vegas, nevada united states of america. brendon had a headache. every morning he did considering how much he drank. he was smarter to keep his hangover reliever in the kitchen. he kept it in his old glasses case. he picked it up off his night stand and placed it in his water. it sizzled. that’s how he knows it’s working. he drank the entire cup and then went to the bathroom. brendon urie looked like hell.

“fuck..” he sucked his teeth. eye liner rubbed around his eyes and the eye boogers have already made a new chemical reaction mixing with the eyeliner. he grabbed his sisters make up removed and took it all off. his show clothing was still on. he fell asleep in it. he got changed as quickly as he could. it was now 7:50 and he had to be out of the house in 10 minutes. he walked to the kitchen where his mom were already making breakfast for his siblings. he took an apple. “hi mom” “you look tired. are you sick?” “no.. just got to bed late” “were you sneaking out? because brendon BOYD URIE IF YOU WERE SNEAKING OUT I WILL REIGN HELL ON YOUR-“ he heard. it was weird because his mom was usually not that mean in the morning. neither did she ever say the word ‘hell’. he didn’t want to argue with anyone so he nodded and walked back into his room. he put his shoes on and walked into his disgustingly overly purple van. brendon boyd urie was the biggest popular loser ever. he wasn’t even popular. he just partied with them. brendon parties with everyone though.

ryan woke up at 7:30 on the dot. a catholic school means you have to be up bright and early at 8 at the latest to be at school at 8:30. ryan didn’t like school. ryan didn’t like anything or anybody except his band. he loved his band. but he really loved brendon.

“tie where’s my tie” ryan mumbled under his breath. he looked through every room in the house. he almost woke up his dad who was too hungover to function. ryan looked at his clock. this was a last resort. ryan put on his shoes
“please for the love of mary allow brendon to still be home.” ryan said clutching his rosary. ryan doesn’t pray often if ever. he contemplated praying if it will ever work for good luck. he put his shoes on and began to run.
“hail-“ huff. he wasn’t a big runner “no- our father who art” he began to run faster as he prayed. it was a placebo. he wasn’t religious unless if it had value to him.

brendon realized he had forgot his car keys in his room. brendon walked into his house again, straight into his room. the red light from the alarm glowed. it was 7:54

ryan arrived at brendon’s house at 7:54.

ryan walked to the door and brendon came out. “ryan??” brendon asked confused why his ‘best buddy’ was there. “brendon! thank-“ huff. “do you have a tie?” brendon looked at him disappointed. he walked into his house and ryan followed. they went to brendon’s familiar bedroom. the posters of fall out boy. the practice sheets taped to his wall. the book of mormon on brendon’s desk. annotations that were not his and he got someone else to do for him. brendon room is where ryan feels most at home. “a tie? black?” ryan nodded and grabbed it from him. he put it around his neck before looking at brendon. every day ryan got spencer to help him with his tie when they got to school. “.. do you not know how to tie a tie?” ryan looked at him. desperation “fine.” brendon tied his tie. ryan smiled “thanks” brendon looked up at him. their eyes met. they didn’t lock. they were gentle
ryan looked down at him.
he finished.
“okay now go!!!” brendon said shooeing him away.
“wait- i don’t have anything at my house and i didn’t have dinner last night..-“ryan somewhat pleaded.
“okay. fine” brendon said leading him into the kitchen where his mother was
“hi mrs. urie” ryan said awkwardly shuffling over to brendon’s mother to shake her hand
“oh hi.. ryan right?” brendon mother shook his hand. brendon mother was in the neighborhood mom “group” and she knew about ryan dad. she knew about his struggles. she felt for ryan.
“bee you have to go to school. mommy
loves you!” brendon’s mother said to embarrass him. brendon went red “mom..!!” he whined.

teenage angst
teenage hate
teenager love
teenagers in love

Chapter Text

ryan ate his breakfast at brendon’s house. he attempted to have a (awkward) conversation with mrs urie. he ate in maybe
5 ish minutes until 8. he began to start to walk to school. he met spencer in his advisory.
“you’re never gonna guess where i had breakfast this morning”
ryan said to spencer when he saw him
“beyoncé”
“close, brendon’s mom”
“how are their any similarities?!”

ryan and spencer had gym together, naturally they walked the track. it was the best way to get out of doing actual exercise. “when did you even get the time to see brendon?” spencer asked ryan
“doesn’t matter. have you thought about any beats in 1-4th period??” ryan asked spencer. his biggest concern was music. it’s been music for a long time.
“i mean a few…?”
ryan’s eye lit up. him and brendon were the only two people who really wrote lyrics and rhythms.
spencer explained a few and ryan reacted how any genius musician would react, disappointed. he pretended to care. some of them weren’t horrible. a few in his opinion could be used as drafts for other songs.

brendon spent his entire day at school feeling like shit. he didn’t want to waste his day on learning stuff he thought he would never need. he spent it on thinking of lyrics and his band. brendon loved music just as much as he loved ryan. he talked to a few of his friends about last night. he wasn’t popular but a lot of people thought him being a musician was cool. brendon urie was cool.

spencer and ryan’s day ended. they all decided the night prior that they didn’t have to go to practice the folllowijgnday considering how they all (except ryan) was hungover.

ryan texted brendon after school
“how’s the hangover?”
“i’m fine”
“are you sure?”
“mhm”
“text me if you need me.”
“thanks ry”
ryan worried even brendon was an honest man. to his friends at least. he was his closest friend. even though they have known each other for only a month and a half they were so close. maybe the closest in the group. maybe.

every tortured genius has to go through an event that will fill them with despair for months. a trauma or a death. it’s a rite of passage. spencer smith was not a genius. brent wilson was not a genius. brendon urie was not a genius. ryan ross was about to become a tortured genius.

ryan’s dad was an alcoholic, fact.

“dad?” ryan asked walking into his room. he wasn’t blackout drunk tonight. shocker. “i’m going to go to my friends house.” ryan said to him. he stood in the doorway with his head almost touching the frame. “oh to practice your ‘music?’” his dad asked. he’s never been proud to have such a musically inclined son, let alone like his music. “we’ll just play some video games.” ryan said. he was not in the mood for this. he lied “you should be STUDYING.” his father yelled. he was now sitting on his bed rather than lying.
he stood up and walked to a chair in his room. his work clothing, jeans, a long sleeve shirt and belt was on it. ryan knew what was coming and walked over to his dad. since he turned 16 he wasn’t scared to fight or argue with his dad back. he was tall enough and strong enough. “i’m going.” ryan said. “no. you’re not” his father said. ryan didn’t care and left the room. his father chased him. he was definitely tipsy or under some influence. “NOW YOU COME BACK HERE NOW.” his dad yelled chasing him through the hall. eventually they reached the stairwell where ryan rushed down it. his father did aswell except he was tipsy and his walking- eye coordination was wrong and.. recipe for disaster.

his father fell down the entire flight of stairs. his head was cut. deep. the nerve ends were viable. blood gushed like getting your blood drawn except this wasn’t medically controlled. he didn’t even know if the medical team that would come COULD control the bleeding. he was knocked out and bleeding. blood painted the hardwood floor to a dead rose red

“fuck fuck fuck fuck!” ryan screamed and looked at him. his eyes were now bloodshot with adrenaline. he ran over to the home phone and started at his dad. he knew if he didn’t call immediately- if the EMTS didn’t GET there immediately his dad s life would most likely be compromised. then he would have to move with his aunt and leave his friends- his band and then with no band no chance of

“911 what is your emergency?”
“my dad!!” ryan cried. it was hard to talk or to be comprehensible.
“yes? your dad?”
“the stairs” sniff. “he fell down the stairs”
“is he hurt? what’s wrong?”
“his head- oh my god i can’t look at it please just come.”
“sweetheart i need you to tell me what’s wrong with his head. is his neck broken? is he bleeding?”
“HES BLEEDING!” ryan yelled to the operator. he was terrified. the operator was able to get his location.

the emts arrived. 4 went to go help his dad and 1 brought ryan to his living room.
seeing his dad in this state would be too traumatic for him. he was just 17.
“is he gonna die? where is he? are they getting a stretcher?” ryan asked his eyes searching the ladies face for any answer or hint.
“sweetheart i need you to calm down”
“NO! answer me! will he die?” ryan yelled. just like his father, he was quick to anger.
“your father will be fine. okay? your father will be..” and suddenly her voice was turned into static. his father was in a stretcher being walked to the ambulance. the temporary bandages were already a deep red from the bleeding. he started before the lady stepped in between his view from the hallway from the living room.
“listen kid, look at me okay? where’s your mother?”
ryan looked at her. “i don’t need my mom i need bee”

Chapter Text

bee?”
the emt asked. she’s seen little kids asking for their stuffed animal, and older kids asking for there parents or maybe a close friend but bees? like the bugs that pollinate flowers? that’s new.
“bee, brendon. he’s my neighbor”
“i’m sorry honey but if he’s not family or-“
“what defines family.” (if you get what i’m referring to you’re so cultured xx)
“…” she paused. what defines family. she looked at the other emts who paused with getting him into the ambulance but stopping the bleeding again.
“do you have a phone?” she asked.
ryan had his phone in his pocket. brendon answered on the first ring
“hii ryan so the hangover headache-“
ryan interrupted. “my dads going to the hospital. he’s hurt really badly. please las vegas emergency room. please be there bren” ryan told him.
brendon knew his dad had problems but he never thought it would get so bad. his tone changed.
“what happened?”
“i have to go, im sorry.” and with that ryan closed his phone.

the ambulance there was so loud. it was too loud. beeping of machines. yes his dad had been in the hospital before because of drinking or accidents during drinking but this? this was new. they arrived at the hospital where ryan sat in the room with his dad.

as soon as brendon got the call from ryan he walked into his parents room where then were both reading. “ma? ryan’s dad is in the er. ryan wants me there. i’ll be home in about 2 hours. okay?” brendon’s mom could hardly understand anything he was saying before brendon ran out of the room.
“BE SAFE!” brendon’s mom yelled downstairs. brendon got his car keys and ran into his car. he took every shortcut he knew about and drove. he almost got a ticket actually. brendon arrived and got out of his car

ryan thought-he realized that if brendon came..no WHEN brendon came he would have to be in the waiting room waiting for him. ryan walked out of the ICU. he sat in the waiting room for maybe 5 ish minutes before brendon came. the emergency room was 30 minutes away if your in a car. brendon got there in 15.
“brendon” ryan’s breath hitched and walked over to him. brendon walked to him faster giving him a hug. “oh ryan” he said. his eyes were red. adrenaline and crying. they walked over to the lady at the computer, the receptionist. “name and relation to patient?” “uhm you already did this to me? my dad, i’m ryan-“ the receptionist interrupted. “how stupid do you think i am? who is he?” she asked. bitter. “uhm the EMT said he could be with me?” “i don’t care. who. is. he?”
she asked. “my friend” ryan said. “not allowed.” she said looking at both of them. eyeing them down. ryan looked at brendon. “wait here okay? i’ll ask the doctors how he’s doing and i’ll come back if he’s doing better.” ryan said. brendon nodded in agreement.

ryan went over. a nurse was in there.
“is he better? can i go into the waiting room?” ryan asked the nurse. “george..? your name is?” ryan nodded. “it’s ryan” “okay well ryan, if you didn’t call when you did your father would be dead.” ryan looked at her. his eyes shining again.
“but yes, he is better. the bleeding stopped and the medicine is helping make more blood cells. we’re going to start stitching soon.” she said to him. he didn’t have to wait. he thought it was the right thing to do but then he had to think who was there for him more in the past month.

his dad or brendon.

“is he doing better?
i’m sorry that happened to you, come here” brendon reached in for a bigger hug.
“i think.. she said that” ryan almost began to start crying. “she said that if i didn’t call when i did he would be dead” brendon looked at ryan and the slight smile
brendon had before when he heard the good news dropped. he looked at him in the eye. “you did the right thing.” brendon said to ryan. his confirmation was so comforting in the state he was in right now.

ryan and brendon sat in the waiting room. ryan looked at the white fluorescent lights. brendon looked at ryan.
ryan thought.
ryan thinks a lot.
he always kept a notebook in his pocket. just in case if he thinks of any song lyrics. and if there was anything he could do right now, it was write with his best friend.
“it’s sure as hell not normal but we deal, we deal.” ryan said to brendon. he wrote it down. brendon looked at ryan confused. then upset. then amused. he knew ryan as much as you could know someone .a normal person would have no idea how ryan could write now. brendon wasn’t normal. brendon looked at the entire hospital waiting room. he tried to feel all of him senses. “This is the scent of dead skin on a linoleum floor
This is the scent of quarantine wings in a hospital?” “oh my god that’s PERFECT!” ryan said to brendon. they continued to brainstorm more lyrics because the best ones they had have already been said. “i fought.” ryan mumbled trying to get the ideas running. “can’t take the kid from the flight, take the fight from the kid.” brendon said to ryan. ryan nodded. “those were good” ryan said to brendon. “we have to let them come to us. come to you.” brendon said to ryan. they looked at each other in the eye. “i can sing and i can think but you ryan are the heart of what we have. you’re the smartest one. you’re the genius. you’re the poet. not any of us. when the lyrics come to you, because they will you have to write them.” brendon said to ryan. ryan looked at brendon with love. brendon hand glided over ryan’s. “okay?” brendon asked so he understood. “okay.” ryan agreed.

camisado (n)- an attack by night
Merriam Webster

Chapter Text

after 30 minutes of brainstorming more lyrics, ryan thought it would be best to go into the room where his dad was. not just for lyrics, because that’s his dad. the reception lady was switched so he went up to the new one.
“my dads in there ____ ross. i’m his son and this is my- brother.. can we go in?” he asked. he knew it was immediate family who was allowed to visit only. brendon, in this very moment, brendon didn’t care about ryan’s dad at all. he didn’t care about visiting him. he cared about being there for ryan. so when ryan would have to walk into that room, brendon would walk next to him. brendon wanted ryan to know that he would stand beside him.always and forever. the receptionist looked at brendon. “name?” she asked. “uhhh brendon?” he asked seeing if she would accept it. “brendon and ryan, you’re free to go inside”

brendon and ryan

they both walked through the double doors into the main hospital and found ryan’s father room. ryan walked in and brendon followed. brendon knew whatever they would see, ryan would feel some big emotion. he doesn’t love his dad like how he should but that’s his dad. period, end of statement.

“oh my god-“ ryan said when he walked in. they have already finished with the stitches but he still looked how you would look after falling down an entire staircase and hitting your head. he looked half dead.
brendon put his hand on ryans shoulder. it was kind of awkward considering ryan is 2 inches taller than him “he’s okay.” brendon said to ryan. “that’s the point!” he said harshly to brendon. bitter and loud. “he could have NOT been okay.” ryan said to him.

brendon was scared. not of ryan, of what ryan could do. he looked up to ryan in so many ways, him yelling at him was the equivalent of a heart attack pain. “he is. it’s not your fault. okay? it was just an accident. you did the right thing by immediately calling 9-1-1. your wits are higher than mine.” brendon said trying to de- escalate the situation and it worked. ryan looked around the room to avoid awkward eye contact. “okay. fine. you’re right. i’m sorry” brendon didn’t say anything. he looked at ryan’s dad. “do you think he looks better?” brendon said stepping over to the hospital bed but now looking at ryan. “mhm. a little bit” brendon looked relieved. he was relieved.

ryan and brendon were now sitting on the chairs next to his bed. ryan picked up his notebook, he took brendon’s words to heart
“the iv and your hospital bed. this was no accident this was a therapeutic chain of events.”
brendon noticed how his lyric incorporated what he said to him. he didn’t care. ryan was a genius. “amazing.”brendon said to ryan. ryan wrote it down from brendon’s affirmation. “i just said what came to mind.” ryan said to brendon. “and what’s why it’s perfect.”

ryan and brendon both decided that they were hungry so they went to a vending machine in the hospital. they both decided to get a pop tart and share it because them together had 3 dollars together. brendon had an idea. brendon went to the cafeteria (which he had to go down 3 stairs for. the elevator was taking too long.) brendon got utensils and ran back up the stairs. he and ryan walked back into the room where his father was. he was still out. they got the small nightstand and sat on the floor. they opened the poptart and sat on opposite sides. this was absolutely foolish.
“it’s true my an honor to share this dinner with you!” brendon said to ryan. this was so corny and childish. ryan was annoyed but knew what brendon was trying to do. he played along with brendon and had the best meal of his life with him that night. not because the food was good, it was who he shared it with.

the later hours of the night came. brendon had been sitting with ryan at the room for now 4 hours. it was 9 pm. it wasn’t that late but brendon knew his mom was now going to start getting worried. he didn’t want to leave ryan here but he didn’t want his mother to get mad either. brendon stood up and ryan looked around him, confused. then understanding. ryan was used to people leaving.

“are you leaving?” ryan asked brendon. brendon tilted his head in some confusion. “you could sleep over. even though it’s wednesday.. my mom will understand!”brendon said to ryan, smiling. ryan was conflicted. should he leave his dad or go with brendon? he wanted to do both. he just wanted brendon to stay, but brendon couldn’t do that. what would his father do? sure! he was an alcoholic but he’s done so much for ryan. ryan looked at his dad in bed. ryan left the room. brendon thought he was mad at him for even offering that. brendon sat up and began to leave.
ryan left the room and ran over to a nurse. “hey so my dads in room 427, i’m leaving with my friend but if he wakes up can you call me?” he asked the nurse. the nurse looked surprised but he nodded “what’s your number?” ryan gave him number and went back to the room where he saw brendon opening then door, beginning to leave. “so can i sleepover?” “ryan?? why did you leave?” “not relevant. can we go to my house before so i can get my school clothing?”

Chapter Text

brendon first paused then nodded. “i guess. just please ryan what happened?” he asked. more like begged. “i told the lady to call me if he wakes up. now can we go? i don’t want to be here anymore.” brendon and ryan both stood up and walked out the room. they walked through the double doors and out of the emergency room. in the parking lot, brendon’s car stuck out. it’s a real sight for sore eyes after watching your father almost die. you’ll never know how comforting a purple van is. ever. ryan sat and brendon put the car keys in.
“i have a mixtape. i think you’ll like it?” brendon said to ryan. he was really just asking if he should play it.
“i’m really tired, brendon” ryan said lying his head on the dashboard. he was exhausted and had every right to be.
“okay, let’s just drive to your house and get your school stuff and-“ brendon said before ryan cut him off
“no, no school tomorrow” ryan said confidently. he was not going to school the next day after this ordeal. no chance.
“my mom will be-“ brendon had to stop himself and take a deep breath and process things. “i’ll figure something out. we have to go to your house anyway so you can get clothing.” brendon was tired too. he didn’t want to do any extra driving
“i could use yours?” ryan said lifting his head up from the dashboard.
“okay, fine. you can use mine.” he smiled, he took his eyes off the road and looked at ryan.
“close your eyes. go to sleep. you deserve it”

brendon drove. he couldn’t help but feel bad for ryan. one of the worst things that could happen, watching your parent almost die, happened. he couldn’t help but keep looking at sleepy ryan. adorable... in a friendly way. like when you look at a cat. ryan’s hair was in his eyes and you couldn’t see his face. his mouth was slightly open because of his face on the dashboard and the way his cheeks pressed against the leather. brendon loved looking at ryan. eventually they turned onto brendon’s street. brendon parked in the driveway and looked at ryan one last time before waking him up. he flicked his hair out of face to wake him up.
“ughh” ryan groaned. he looked at brendon.
“we’re home.” brendon said looking at ryan, who was still exhausted.
“carry me” ryan giggled before standing up. ryan was cringe. ryan was funny. ryan was his everything
“come on, let’s go” brendon said to ryan, ryan was now walking to the steps into his house. brendon unlocked the door. he was (un)welcomed by his father yelling at him “WHERE WERE YOU!” he yelled. brendon pointed at ryan. his eyebrows went up trying to indicate “SH!”. it worked. brendon walked ryan into his room, he placed ryan on his bed. ryan was now half sleeping as soon as he got onto brendon’s bed. brendon quickly went into the kitchen where he was going to be getting an earful of “where were you”’s and “we were worried”’s.

brendon walked into his kitchen where his father stood. “WHERE WERE YOU.” his father yelled at him. “i told mom i had to go to the hospital!” he didn’t yell but he said loudly. “AND WHY WERE YOU AT THE HOSPITAL? YOUR ALCOHOLIC, DRUGGIE FRIEND RYAN OVER DOSED?” ‘wow. ryan’s the alcoholic? i guess that means im doing a good job hiding it’ brendon thought.
“NO! HIS DAD. HIS FATHER HIT HIS HEAD BAD AND HE NEEDED ME THERE!” brendon yelled to his father. his father had some information on ryan’s father alcoholism. so he understood. he didn’t feel for ryan but he could understand.
“WHY DIDNT YOU CALL?” his father yelled once more.
“I didn’t have access to a phone!” he said back to him. he knew he was going to be grounded. it didn’t matter, he would sneak out anyway.
“WE WERE SO WORRIED. GO TO YOUR ROOM. YOUR GROUNDED!”
brendon got grounded often. nothing new. he was just shocked he wasn’t addressing ryan sleeping over. he probably didn’t even process it. he’ll explain it in the morning if he was curious. him and ryan could pretend to get sick tomorrow from people in the hospital? brendon was still figuring it all out.

ryan’s point of view

i don’t remember how i got to brendon’s bed. i remember ever thing before this. just not the immediate action leading up to this event. his bed and room were the perfect weather for early november las vegas weather. hot. i heard brendon’s voice. even when he’s screaming it’s beautiful. maybe if god was real he blessed brendon with a voice like his. but why is brendon screaming? i want to get out of his bed and check but i cant. i’m too tired. i’m really tired. i’ll just get under the cold covers and put my head on his pillow and

brendon’s point of view

i’m still debating what lie i should make up to tell my father. ryan’s in my room and he’s a much much better liar than me. stricter parents and all. I walk in- oh my god he’s so adorable

third person

brendon sees ryan lying in his bed. absolutely out. brendon melts at the sight of it. any stress of what to lie about or annoyance from his father is gone. just the love for sleepy ryan. he immediately sits on his bed and touches ryan’s face.

brendon urie loves to feel things. especially feel the things he loves.

brendon’s point of view

i run up to ryan who’s sleeping. i poke his nose. SO ADORABLE! he’s like a cat. i’m now sleepy from looking at him.. but he’s sleeping on my bed. i look around my room and see my desk and chair. the chair was comfortable for the most part so i guess ill sleep there. ryan can stay comfortable on the bed.

third person

brendon gives ryan a stuffed animal and takes a photo of it so he can laugh at him tomorrow. maybe to make him feel better. hopefully to make him feel better.
eventually he get a a small blanket a pillow and sits on the chair, where he falls asleep.

there are now two sleeping boys in brendon boyd uries room, both of them want to sleep. both of them are tired. and both of them have an undying love for music. one had an undying love for the other though.

Chapter Text

ryan woke up the next morning in brendon’s bed. exactly where he fell asleep. kind of. he moves in his sleep, which he did indeed do last night. brendon was already up and was doing his homework from the day before. it was god knows what time and ryan felt nothing. emotionally at least, he felt
old sticky dry uncomfortable tears on his cheeks. ew.

“hi ry” brendon said looking behind him because he heard ryan starting to get up. “ugh” ryan said, mouth dry. brendon walked over to him and handed him a water.
“what time is it??” ryan asked, more clearly after he drank the water.
“8:14” brendon said, simply.
“youre missing school?” ryan asked brendon. ryan didn’t care that he was missing school. he cared that brendon cared.
“no, i’m going in at 9:30. i wanted you to know i was here when you woke up.” brendon said to ryan. “i understand if you just want to stay home today, last night was a lot for you.” brendon felt empathy for ryan. so much of it. ryan knew it, and loved it. “can i? will your parents be mad?” ryan asked. “my dads going to work and my mom has a fuck ton of errands.” he said, getting g rid of his nerves. “can i just- sleep? i don’t want to think about anything.” ryan said, he wasn’t depressed he just didn’t want to think about his dad which he was now doing constantly after the incident. “of course.” he said walking up to him hugging him in bed. ryan was sitting so he pressed himself against his lower abdomen because brendon was standing. “it’s 8:17 now, i can make you breakfast if your hungry?” he said looking down at him. ryan shook his head “im sorry, i just want to sleep.”
brendon understood. ryan put his head back down and brendon started at him for awhile and admired. he just went through hell and he knew for a fact it would make ryan go more quiet than he already is. brendon decided that he could go to school now so he did.

ryan woke up at 9, officially. he’s been in brendon’s house before but never alone, completely alone. all his siblings were at school and his parents were gone. he got out of bed and began to look around, curiously brendon’s room.

ryan’s point of view
brendon’s room was cool, kind of like mine. i looked at EVERYTHING in his room. he had cool figurines but less posters than me. i had at least a dozen. he had a record player and had the new fall out boy album, “from under the cork tree” oh im DEFINITELY making myself at home.

3rd person

ryan put brendon’s vinyl on the record player. full volume. ryan didn’t want to feel anything. he skipped “our lawyer made us change the name of this song so we wouldn’t get sued” and “of all the gin joints in all the world” straight to “dance dance” the beat of the drums starts and so does ryan. he knows where brendon hid his weed and he was about to throw away all of his principles. ryan didn’t want to feel the nothingness despair of his dads injury. he went to brendon’s weed drawer and got a joint.

ryan’s point of view
brendon’s lighter is funny. i place it between my hands and put the joint in my mouth. i light the joint. the song begins. holy fuck i know this is about to be a fun trip.

3rd person

ryan stood on the bed. joint in mouth. “she said she’s no good-“ he begins. his singing is loud and proud but bad aswell. his voice dry. he took a long drag of it until his lungs were full and exhaled it. the joint glid from his mouth to his fingers. “i don’t wanna forget how your voice sounds” he continues. his eyes are closed, gently, softly. his hips
move so do his feet. he moved throughout the bed and eventually jumps off. he continues to dance on the floor. rather just moving around and spinning, twirling. “dance, dance were falling apart to” he opens the door, liquor. he danced throughout the hall with the joint in his mouth and still spinning. “why don’t you show me a little bit of spine” he mouths now that the music was so faint. “love-“ he moans out. he went into brendon’s parent liquor cabinet. tito’s vodka. he waltz back into brendon’s room. his eyes closed, dancing aggressively. the music louder. he opened the bottle and took a large gulp “dance dance we’re falling apart-!” he scream sings. his shoulders jerking back and fourth. “dance dance- dance dance” he says to himself. the song fades, “sugar, were goin down” begins. “fucking poser music” ryan says kicking the record player. he puts the joint on his mouth, so he didn’t have to extinguish it and leans down, same level of the record player. he looks at the vinyls that brendon has and seems my chems older album “three cheers for sweet revenge.” none of the songs on there are danceable but when your high and drinking a bottle of vodka, anything is danceable. he puts the other vinyl away and puts three cheers on. he debates what song to pick but ends up picking, “i’m not okay (i promise)” which is maybe the funnest one to dance to. he continues.

ryan’s point of view

i don’t know what’s happening but im happy. i’m singing like a MADman and horrible. i’m straining my voice but i don’t care. i’m happy. i’m dancing and quite literally on cloud 9 at the moment. the lyrics are inspiring. WAIT. I have an idea. I went to brendon’s desk and get a piece of paper. “just sit back just sit back. just sit back and relax. just sit back just sit back and relapse (again.)” im a genius. I dig through my pockets for my notebook. i look at the paper with the lyrics written. i make an order. “and if i repeat this verse..” “maybe i could do this with my guitar.. and” i put the lyrics in the order that i like the main lyrics for the song are written. now i just have to add.

i finished writing our first demo. i did it. brendon and i finished lyrics, spencer can add and brent can comment. i need a name. i look around at brendon room. little army figurines. i think to social science. that one attack.. “camisado??” i ask myself. i forget. i write on top of the paper “CAMISADO (draft 1)”

ryan ross doesn’t know it yet, but he just wrote his first real song. ryan ross is a lyric genius and it’s just now proving itself even more.

Chapter Text

last night, ryan and i were supposed to hang out but that meanie never came over. he didn’t even text me, next morning i go to school, homeroom first period, always.

i go into the classroom and sit where ryan and I always sit. we talk about basically everything. ryan is my school best friend. i think im his too, but outside of school. i think his best friend is brendon. i get there the front men of the band but, really ry? it’s fine though. brent and i can hang. but time passes, 5 minutes after bell, 10 minutes after bell, 15 minutes after bell and ryan still isn’t in school. while everyone is talking i go up to the teacher. “hey, did ryan call out sick?” i ask her. he was fine yesterday. his singing two days ago was great and so was his guitar playing. it’s now thursday and we have a show on saturday. we should all be practicing today. if ryan is sick im gonna be SO mad. “ryan? nope. i would assume because you two are so close you would know.” the teacher said to me. “i don’t know either. if his dad calls the school later or anything can you tell me?” okay im not a teachers pet but my teacher is sooo nice and i know she would. “i can.”

1-4th period was fine. everyone in my classes are nice and ryan isn’t in any of them so i didn’t really miss him. lunch though? ugh. i only sit with ryan and now that he’s not here im gonna look so loser ish.

“hii, you’re in my.. math? we talk sometimes? can i sit with you guys?” i asked them. SO AWKWARD KILL MEEE “sure” oh thank god. I sit with them and they talked. i didn’t join. “SPENCER!!” a girl yelled to me. “ah! what???” i looked at her shocked “is p-a-s-t-a said PA SS TA OR PASTE UH” she asked. are we being serious. “PA SS TA, OBVIOUSLY!!” i yelled at the back. (i’m not joking my lunch table has this conversation on the daily because one girl is canadian- it’s a whole thing) “WHAT NO!” they all explode, some in agreement, some in disagreement. it’s kind of funny.

ahh i had SO much fun writing this. i think i’ll do short silly chapters every once in a while if you guys like. i have BIG plans for this fic so i think they’ll be necessary.

Chapter Text

brendon point of view.

i got to class maybe 4 ish minutes late. i wrote down the date, October 7th Thursday,2004. my teacher was a bit mad but nothing i cant forget. It’s kind of hard to pay attention when A) youre half thinking about what to do with the sleeping traumatized best friend in your bedroom. and B) have been abusing drugs.
1-3 period flew by and 4th is my lunch. we have open lunch so i debated leaving until i saw outside my 5th period teachers room, ‘I AM OUT!!’ my school doesn’t do substitutes so that means i dont have this class today. i can get home early, finish my homework and see how ryan’s doing. i choose that, ill chose ryan over anything. i walked to my big van (oh how pretty she is) and drove home. when i got there i saw my mom nor dads
car was there and thank god for that. i thank god for a lot of things if you can’t tell by now. i walked inside and heard silence. i looked at the mini bar in my house, i don’t even know why we have alcohol if we’re mormon but it’s good for me so i can steal it when i go to parties. some of its missing. ryan doesn’t drink. ever. ryan doesn’t drink because he doesn’t want to end up like his dad. i walk to my room and there ryan is with a extinguished joint next to him in my bed. my bedroom isn’t a total mess but it’s not clean. a few of my records have been moved. a bottle of vodka sits at the edge of my bed. fuck ryan, why would you do this?

i move the joint into the trash, at least no one will find it there. i move the vodka back into where it belongs, the mini bar before realizing theyll probably notice that ryan drank more than half of it so i fill it with water. so ill lie for him. i would do anything for ryan. i drag my legs back into the bedroom where ryan is still passed out drunk. i sit on the bed and rub his head with my thumb. he leans into my hand. “b?” he asked. sleepily and drunk, high too. “hey sleepy” i giggled at him. it’s hard not too. he knows he’s safe with me considering where else he’s from. i pet his head. he falls back asleep.

Chapter Text

After what seems like a million years and a half,Ryan's eyes flutter. His eyelashes are so long. Probably from constant crying. He doesn’t cry in front of me. I know he does cry though. Because nobody could have a life as cruel as Ryan's and not cry. “Have you sobered up in the past-” I skim at the alarm clock on my bed. 3pm. “5 hours? You might have a head ache.” I knew that feeling all too well. “Ughhgh” Ryan.. doesnt say because no words are spoken…but he definitely makes a noise! “Ill get the tylenol.” I groan getting off of the bed. Ryan’s hand crawls towards mine. I say crawls because he was dependent on pulling the bedsheets to help him move his hand. “Noooo” he says in the same tone he did in the past 30 seconds. I have to hold back my laughter. (Authors note;what do you mean in 2 years he’ll be categorized as one of the best emo lyricists?) I ignore it and walk into the kitchen. Clear view of a window that views straight into the drive through and neither of my parents are here. I open the medicine cabinet and was greeted by my sisters' anti depressants and its neighbor, my adhd meds. Above them are the tylenol pills. I grab two. I think Ryan is 98 pounds so this should be enough. If I didn’t know him I would predict he had a crippling heroin addiction considering how teeny he was. I close the medicine cabinet and walk to my room where I see a familiar looking boy on my bed. “Heres your pills.” Then it occurred to me, I forgot to bring him water. I looked at him who wasn’t conscious of anything yet, first hangover am I right.. (laugh…) I walked to the kitchen once more to get him water. I then saw Ryans phone. Okay cool whatever. Then I heard Ryans phone… I, Brendon Boyd Urie son of Boyd Urie would never ever snoop through my best buds phone. “RY!!! CAN I USE YOUR PHONE REALLY QUICKLY?” I yelled loud enough so he could hear me.

“Mhm!!” he let out a loud moaning groaning sound that sounded close enough to a yes from my bedroom. So I, Brendon Boyd Urie, opened Ryan's phone. His password was his great aunts birthday. August 20th 1928. I don't understand the way his brain thinks his great aunt is so relevant but to be fair, nobody will ever understand how Ryan’s brain works.

I punch in his password and see an unknown number on his phone who called him earlier. 7:17 am. He was asleep and I guess I just didn’t hear it. I checked to see if she left a voicemail. She did. “Hello Ryan, Your father, Ross whos in room 427,has just woken up. His memory is.. Mediocre but we think it would be nice if you could possibly pick him up in the next day. We may need to keep him again overnight for testing but you are free to visit today. Call me back when you can.” That was the end of it. There is not a snowballs chance in hell that I will let Ryan visit him in the next few hours. He's hungover and emotionally unavailable. I care about him, you know? I don’t want him to be in a worse mental state than he is now. Ryans my boy. No matter how far away he is in his mental state or if he's in Sydney and I'm in New York. He’ll forever hold a place in my heart and I will never not hold that dearly. So I will separate him farther from having a horrible day and suggest he should see his dad. It’ll be a bad day today for Ryan no matter what I do. But maybe by doing this it wont make it worse. I walk to my room once more and hand Ryan the water. He takes the pill and drinks the water. “I wonder how Spence is doing.” I say to him. He either doesnt care or he doesnt know what to say. He nods. “Hes out of school. You could call him.” Of course I could call him. But do I want to? I guess I could see how hes doing. If hes practicing the drums or whatever. I left my phone on the nightstand so I walk towards it. Thats when I see lyrics on a piece of paper called “Camisado (DRAFT 1)”