Chapter Text
Dick was navigating, one step at a time, through the snow filled rooftops of Gotham. He couldn’t remember when was the last time Gotham had felt so cold. Even with the sun out, a clear view of the city, things didn’t settle inside his chest. The only reason he was back from Bludhaven was because of a sudden swell of homesickness, which was weird in itself, since Dick loved staying in Bludhaven. He may have started out as Robin but… Bludhaven was his foundation. The only thing he could feel in Gotham was a bitterness (which usually wasn’t the case but lately, things had been tense at the Wayne Manor, even their nightly patrols seeming more distant that usual.) He pulled his phone out of his jacket, the constant buzz in the bats group finally catching his attention.
Tim: Yes dinner is still on
Jason: Ugh
Tim: Dick has come home after months
Tim: We are finally gonna have the entire group together
Steph: It’s been so long since all of us have talked! I missed you guys
Cass: Me too 😊
Dick: Wow, I’m honored! I missed you guys too
Jason: oh my god you guys need to shut up I’m leaving this hellish group
Tim: This is the 3rd time you’ve said that today
Dick switched his phone off, smiling at the tiny exchange he witnessed, maybe it’s not so bad in Gotham. It’s okay if he hasn’t had a good night’s rest in the past months, as long as his family and friends are around, he’ll make it through. He was probably just imagining the distance and tension he felt last night on patrol with everyone.
He started making his way back, taking the stairs inside the building rather than jumping off the rooftop. His mind pondered, was he always so… lost in thought? Aloof? Emo? He chuckled at the last thought, that was more Jason’s thing, if he was being honest with himself.
He didn’t enjoy the lying, the thought occurred. He knew they were concerned, they always are, Bruce always is, but sometimes he couldn’t help his nerves. What’s wrong with a harmless white lie? Yes, he’s okay, just a little busy with his job. Of course he’s not overworking himself, he could walk on a physical tightrope in his sleep if he wanted to, so why wouldn’t that balance carry over to his daily life? Yes, he’s making sure to eat all 3 meals every day! But in his case, they weren’t harmless. They don’t need to know that his nightmares had worsened after the day he accidently split someone’s head open – he didn’t kill them, of course. But killing would’ve been more merciful than the state he had left them in – or the time he lost his temper when he briefly ran into the Joker in his city, beating him to a pulp before calling the police, - he was surprised that Bruce was still unaware of that, otherwise he definitely would’ve heard an earful - and that he had stopped his medications, his crying episodes frequenting more often than usual.
Dr. Leslie had recommended him to talk to a specialist, giving him a name that would be trustworthy enough that he won’t have to hide his night job. He personally asked her not to tell Bruce, but maybe she told him anyways. She had known and trusted Bruce longer than him, so it was a sensible conclusion to jump to. It turned out, talking to a professional would only work if he co-operated, Dr. Franklin had been patient with him, listening to as much as he could fester up; they came up with exercises, something he could try to look forward to, something that would actually make him feel the feelings he acted out so well. But appearances could only go so far, eventually his sessions with Dr. Franklin became his white noise; so, he did something that was only fair to both of them, and left.
By the time he reached back down, the snow had stopped falling, settling down as a quiet blanket over the city; it was stark white, in comparison to Gotham’s dark buildings. He reached to his parking spot, settling down in his car, not bothering with the seatbelt as he turned on the radio. The silence had been at odds with him these past few months too, it felt like he couldn’t get along with nature anymore, everything in his surrounding picking him apart piece by piece.
It took him half an hour to reach the manor; another 15 minutes to get out of his car as he finally dragged his feet to the front door. Alfred had been waiting there, as always, greeting him with the neutral expression he was so used to, “Master Dick, welcome home.”
“Thanks Alfred.”
“Master Bruce and the others are in the living room, if you wish to greet them.”
“I’ll… uh, I’ll probably take a short nap, then meet them at dinner. Maybe you can not tell them that I’m back already? I’m pretty tired.” He chuckled lightly, as if that would hide his hesitation in meeting everyone. Alfred didn’t react in any particular way, as always, “Very well. I’ve prepared your chamber.”
Jason: Where are you Dickhead?
He missed Haley, how she would’ve curled up on top of his chest as soon as he laid down. He chuckled again, remembering what Barbara had called her a while back, ‘bitewing’, He hated feeling like he disliked his family, his friends. He didn’t— He didn’t dislike them. He loved them, a bit too much than they loved him, if he thought about it; which was another delusion that had been creeping inside his head. Bruce— no, his dad loved him more than anything in the world, he knew that, he knew that so very well… then why couldn’t his thoughts be more rational? Why did he keep giving into the delusions over and over again? Why did his eyes keep watering when he felt perfectly fine.
He hadn’t realised that he passed out on the floor, right at the foot of the bed. Alfred looked at him, his brows just barely showing hints of concern, before he finally spoke, “Dinner is ready, Master Dick.” He sat up, slightly rubbing the back of his neck, how did sleeping made him feel worse than staying awake for the past week? “I’ll be right there.”
He managed the way down the hallway… even after living here for most of his life, the sheer size of the manor always left him a little bit speechless, always a bit ajar, the only difference between the manor and a mountain peak being the walls, otherwise, cold and lonely. If he said something a bit loud… his voice would echo as if he screamed. The circus tents had always been big, the material thick enough to be called a wall, but it never felt empty, it was always warm enough that made Dick smile longer than usually, because he just couldn’t help himself.
Distant voices of chaos reached his ears, Tim’s muffled speech alongside Steph’s muffled laughter. He couldn’t figure out their words but he was sure that he heard Jason make a quip, which made Damian mad. They sounded content, if not happy. Dick smiled at the thought, as a pang in his chest almost made him choke on his own spit, eyes blurring again as he stopped in the middle of the stairs, his breath suddenly too heavy to inhale.
“Dick? When did you get home?” Bruce’s voice rang in his ears, immediately retracting his tears away from his eyes, as his throat tightened, forcing a smile, “Just a few hours ago, I decided to take a nap before meeting everyone.” Bruce looked at him for a moment too long, before making Dick sigh in relief of not pursuing the subject any further.
He waited downstairs until Dick joined him, as they quietly made their way to the room where Dick had heard everyone talking. He was 200% sure that Bruce had picked up on the silence, but he was only continuously grateful that he didn’t question him about it. The voices died down as soon as Dick and Bruce entered the room, Steph breaking the sudden silence, “Dick!” as she made her way over to him, wrapping him in a quick hug.
“Hey Steph.” He smiled at her, his attention then pulled away by another voice, “So where were you the past 3 months?” Tim didn’t linger on any other thoughts, going straight at the elephant in the room. Dick looked at them, agape for a few seconds, pondering over hundred other excuses he had planned on giving them, before blurting out, “I was just busy with work.”
Dick was not an idiot, he was raised by the world’s greatest detective, who didn’t need any equipment to detect lies, but he wasn’t the only one raised like that. Yet, just like an idiot, he gave the most obvious lie to a room full of detectives, who all comically synced their left eyebrow, raising it in question. Suddenly aware of his too dark, dark circles and maybe slightly greasy hair, he cleared his throat, which had remained tightened all this time, “Seriously guys, there was just a lot for me to do, I’m the only one in Bludhaven, so missions just take longer.”
“We get that, but you didn’t even call us, and all your texts were only 4 words long.” Tim pressed on, refusing to take his words at face value.
“Last night we suddenly saw you in the city and you patrolled with us like you didn’t just cut us off the past few months!” Stephanie added, there was no venom in her voice, but the surprise left Dick’s skin tingly.
“Yeah, maybe you should learn how to use a phone, I texted you just 3 hours ago and you still didn’t bother to reply.” Jason quipped, not facing Dick as his eyes stayed pinned to the book in his hand.
Cass and Damian didn’t add anything, but Dick could tell from their looks that they definitely did have a lot to say.
“That’s enough for now, Alfred has called everyone for dinner.” Bruce intervened, making Dick’s heart further constrict in his ribs, he could hear the tone Bruce used, he certainly wasn’t happy about it either.
They all started leaving the room one by one, Cass gave Dick one last look before walking out. Bruce didn’t linger, leaving right behind everyone else as Dick stood at the door, noticing that he hadn’t even completely entered the room. The cold air of the manor greeted him like family, as he looked around, finding the book Jason had been reading, Damian’s scarf hanging by the couch’s handle, the batarang that Stephanie had been fiddling with resting on the coffee table, the Rubik’s cube Tim had been messing around with at the corner of the couch, and Cassandra’s hair clip right beside the batarang. Even Bruce’s sunglasses had been on the coffee table.
The pain in his chest only worsened at the sight, maybe he shouldn’t have come. An irritating itch started to settle in his nose when he suddenly felt a tug at his shirt, startling a reaction out of him. He turned around to see Damian, who only gave him a quizzical look, “You couldn’t sense me coming? I wasn’t even trying to hide this time.” Dick sighed, giving him a loose smile, “Sorry, I was just lost in thought.”
“That can be deadly in our line of work.” Damian stated, as a-matter-of-fact. A chuckle hit Dick’s throat, the loose smile turning genuine at the sight of the 11-year-old, “I really did miss you guys.” He didn’t respond, only starting to walk back towards the dining room, as Dick quietly followed, a temporary peace settling inside his head.
Dinner went just as awkwardly as he had expected, the uncomfortable silence settled over Dick’s obvious lie, they all did try to move past that, as Tim told Bruce about his new idea for a gadget, Stephanie and Cassandra laughing together at something Dick couldn’t hear. They all seemed to be doing well, he noted. They all were just fine. Which is good. It’s obviously a good thing that Damian didn’t need to come to Dick anymore to get help with his homework, and that Stephanie found a new sparring partner, and that Cassandra entertained Jason’s ramblings, and that Tim didn’t come running to Dick with his notebook full of ideas and his hands full of chips. He was away for months, so it was only obvious they found a way to get things done without him. It was only the consequences of his actions, which was good. So good. They all were more self-reliant now and he couldn’t be happier. Really, he couldn’t.
He could barely push the food down his throat, what felt like thorns before, now felt like he was in a chokehold, with a ghost of fingers clutching at him. He forced a laughter when everyone else laughed, hummed here are there every time someone addressed the entire table. He felt his jaw tighten with every smile, a knot forming at the blades of his shoulder as he finally managed to finish his plate. Excusing himself he rushed back to his room, closing the door as sweat continued to trickle down his back.
The moment he found himself completely alone, a huge gasp of air left him, he couldn’t remember how long that breath had been held. The fabric of his shirt tugged at his skin, the tips of his hair crawling at the back of his neck, the sweat felt too much, every slide feeling like a bad tickle as his teeth grinded, his tongue too heavy in his mouth, his eyelids too difficult to control. Suddenly his palms were too clammy and his feet uncomfortable in the socks, each breath he took caused a fire in his veins one by one, eventually reaching his lungs. Almost ripping his shirt off of himself, he made his way to the bed, opening the small backpack he had brought with him for his stay in Gotham. The bag rattled, as he shook out 2 bottles of pills, taking 2 from each and swallowing them dry. That should be enough to knock him out for the night.
--
There were many nights Dick wished to sleep dreamless, and this was one of them. As the sweat only continued to wrap him further, his consciousness started losing him to the memories of his bloody hands. He never lost his temper to that extent, yes, his villains had a way to get under his skin, yet Dick was confident about himself, he won’t be driven to a blind rage, he made that sure. Until one day The Judge said the wrong things. Until one day he finally found Joker alone with him, without Bruce holding him back.
He believed himself to have done a good job holding himself back on those days, only breaking The Judge’s nose and Joker’s hand – maybe Joker had a bit more than just a broken hand -. He didn’t hurt them too much, just enough to incapacitate them. What happened was after the two were arrested.
--
Jason was just about to leave the manor, any other second spent there and he would be right out of his mind. “Jason wait!”
Tim’s voice stopped his step right outside the door, as he groaned, “What?”
The spite in his voice for sure got to Tim as he flinched, but Jason had been slightly considerate this time, only adding half the spite instead of his usual.
“Did you notice that… today Dick was kind of—”
“Out of it? Weird? Too Quiet? Yeah, I did.”
Jason wanted to specifically avoid this conversation, he had noticed the moment Dick entered the room, Dick didn’t initiate the conversation, the dark circles in his eyes so deep Jason almost worried that his entire eye sockets were visible. He had considerably lost weight, and his hair had grown almost reaching his shoulders. His pathetic attempt at smiling at all of them like nothing was going on, only pissed Jason off more, after the barely effort-put lie Dick had told everyone.
“Do you think we can try talking to him?” Jason tilted his head, looking at Tim fidget his fingers while he waited for him to answer. It was a rare sight for the replacement to be on edge, to be this unsure of something, it was almost cute, reminding Jason that he is after-all, 16.
“Why don’t you try talking to him? You seem to be his favourite anyways.”
Tim gave Jason the most annoyed glare, everything about his posture saying this is no time for jokes. Sure, Tim had a better relationship with Dick than most, but that was only because Dick had spent the most time with him, Tim would never assume that Dick played favourites, he was just too nice for that. And also, if Damian heard Jason say that, he’ll be coming for Tim’s throat. Mostly.
“Fine, fine,” Jason raised his hands in mock defeat, “He should be up, it’s only 10.”
“Bruce said we don’t have to patrol with him tonight, since Clark will be joining him. They had to discuss something regarding the league.”
“Perfect.”
They made their way back into the manor, quietly walking towards Dick’s room. Jason wasn’t sure if he really wanted to be a part of this conversation, the last time he had talked to Dick about his well-being, Dick had been drunk out of his mind, and not on the best terms with Bruce. He couldn’t remember if anything bad had happened between Bruce and Dick in the past few months, but even when Dick had not been talking to Bruce, he still contacted them all fairly a lot, which wasn’t the case this time.
The moment they reached Dick’s door, both Jason and Tim froze in their place, looking at each other, making sure they were hearing the same things.
Water running, Dick muttering something over and over again. And suddenly a thud, forcing them both out of their trance as they opened the door.
Jason noticed Dick’s shirt, socks and shoes fell all over the ground, the door to his bathroom open, the sink tap running, and an unconscious Dick on the ground. He ran over to him, slightly shaking him, “Dick?”
After checking his pulse, Jason let out a sigh of relief. The tremble in Dick’s body hadn’t stopped, his temperature warmer than usual. Jason picked him up, dreading his brother’s weightlessness. He definitely weighed more before. After settling him down on the messed-up bed, Tim’s voice caught his attention again,
“Jason.”
“Yeah?”
“Dick has heavy dosage sleeping pills and anxiety medications in his bag.”