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The baby is weird.
She coos, mewls, and cries - not always in that order - and Fenor is afraid to come near her. She is tiny, the skin of her ears so thin he can almost see through them when she is in backlight, and she seems to weigh nothing.
The day she came into their house was as weird as her.
Mamae made pained noises behind the closed door of the main bedroom and a serious dwarven lady told her to do many things, some of them quite natural, like ‘breathe’, but also ‘push’, and Fenor could understand why she should breathe, but not why she had to push.
He knew his mother had the baby in her belly, put there by Papae. They had explained that to him, back when the little sister was still an idea, a possibility. But did that mean Mamae had to push her out of her belly? How?
The more he tried to think about it, the more his head hurt, so he eventually stopped and didn’t even ask his parents, too embarrassed to do so.
Papae spent the entire day by Mamae’s side, inside their bedroom. He got out only a few times, to retrieve more cloths and water and grab some potions from his study.
Fenor was in the kitchen, hidden under the table to avoid hearing Mamae scream and cry out, a gentle wisp of the Fade keeping him company. Papae’s forehead was shiny with sweat and his hands were trembling, but he smiled brightly when he noticed him.
“Da’fen.” he said, voice shaky with excitement. “Do not worry, it’s almost over. Your sister is on her way.”
“Will Mamae be fine?” Fenor asked. His heart beat so fast his chest hurt and the wisp nestled into his arms, providing him comfort.
“She will.” Papae nodded and kissed his forehead, then hurried back into the bedroom, where the dwarven lady was still giving those orders to Mamae.
The baby arrived not much later and Fenor stills remembers the particular smell of the room and the way his mother was laying on the bed. She looked exhausted, red hair plastered to her face, but her smile was as bright as Papae’s.
They were both crying and Fenor panicked. Was there something wrong?
“Mamae!” he exclaimed, running to her. “Are you alright?”
“Yes, my little wolf.” she chuckled, then showed him the bundle in her arms. “Look! Here is Ashera.”
He realized his parents were crying out of joy and he thought he was supposed to feel happy and excited too, but he felt only confused.
His sister - Ashera - was very pink, very small, and way too squishy. She looked like a nug or a shaved cub and Fenor was scared to touch her or hold her.
He still is.
He isn’t disgusted, just… afraid. Bewildered. And in the end, he can only watch while his parents take care of her and all his uncles and aunts come visit and shower her with affection and attention.
One month has passed since her birth and he still hasn’t got used to her presence.
Mamae and Papae don’t ignore him - and he admits that’s a fear he had. They still spend much time with him and always kiss him and hug him, but Ashera needs constant support and care and she asks for them at the worst hours, in the worst way.
Crying and sobbing, deafening noises that startle Fenor and freeze him where he stands, while Mamae gives her milk or Papae lulls her.
She cries at night and he can hear her even though her crib is in Mamae and Papae’s room. He presses the pillow on his head, trying to shield out the noises, which scare and unnerve him as much as Mamae’s cries the day Ashera was born.
Since she sleeps in their room, he can’t go read there, sitting comfortably between their parents on the huge bed.
Well, he could, but the baby’s presence frightens him and he doesn’t want to bother her somehow.
Maybe she can sense him and doesn’t want him to share her same room. He doesn’t want to risk that, so he decides to stay in his own room, reading alone and hearing his parents talk with each other and laugh with the little one.
Of course they notice something isn’t right. The first time he doesn’t join them in the bedroom at the usual hour, Mamae comes to him and cheerfully asks him if he chose the book he wants to read with them tonight.
“You are taking longer than usual.” she laughs, ruffling his hair as he awkwardly stands next to his bookshelf. “Would you like to read something new? Papae has many interesting tomes in his study you should already be able to read. We could…”
“Sorry, Mamae.” Fenor softly replies, moving away and slipping under the sheets of his bed. “I think I am too old to read in bed with you and Papae now.”
It’s a lie, he doesn’t think that at all, but the thought of sharing a room with Ashera shakes him to his very bones and he quickly looks away from his mother, not just because he doesn’t want her to see his true thoughts, but also because her face is full of surprised sadness.
“Oh! O-Of course!” she hurries to say, her only hand nervously playing with a button of her nightgown. She smiles and it’s a very tender smile, both resigned and proud. “Wait a moment, da’fen.”
She comes back with Papae and he is as surprised and a bit sad as her, but he hides it better. Only his eyes betray his emotions, but after eight years Fenor knows both him and Mamae quite well.
“It is normal to want more space for yourself and quietness.” Papae says, sitting on the edge of the bed with Mamae. “But if you ever want to spend some time with us or ask us about something you found in a book, just come, alright? The door will always be open.”
“Don’t stay up too late! And summon more orbs of light when it gets too dark.” Mamae says, then she smooches his face and he giggles, for the first time in what feels like an eternity.
Papae kisses his head and squeezes him tightly, then they tuck him in bed, add a few more light in the room to be safe, and then they leave, closing his door while smiling at him.
Fenor starts reading to distract himself, but the novelty of all this and the fact that he must get used to it now give him great anxiety.
He can’t ask Papae for clarifications about a passage in the book; he can’t ask Mamae for more information about the world; he can’t ask them about the days of the Inquisition. He feels lonely and when he hears Ashera make those odd gurgling noises - they are muffled, but he hears them quite well -, he gets even antsier.
He uses the spell his parents taught him to make the light orbs go away, then hides under the sheets with his favorite book pressed against his chest.
He wonders if Mamae and Papae will ask him to give it to Ashera. They haven’t asked him to share his stuff and toys with her, but he read that’s something that parents usually do when there are more children involved.
He loves his toys. Mamae sewed them for him, many stuffed animals and plushes that have been accompanying him since he was little. There are also the toys his uncles and aunts gave him and they all have a special place in his heart. After so many years spent being an only child, he finds it difficult to give them to his new little sister or let her use them.
He feels selfish and guilty and cries as he hears his parents talk in their room. He can’t shape the Fade as well as Papae, but he is relatively able not to let him and Mamae find him: he found that out when he first started playing hide-and-seek with them.
Ashera can’t reach them in the Fade yet, so he felt better than usual there and was able to stay with his parents… even though their usual strolls were often interrupted by the baby’s sudden cries.
But tonight he wants to stay alone and not let them see how affected he is by all this. He doesn’t want them to think he is a bad brother or a bad kid who doesn’t love his sister. He doesn’t know what he feels for her, but it’s not hatred and perhaps it’s even something akin to affection, but it’s mixed with so much fear he can’t show it well.
So he hides, asking the spirits he knows to help him. They shield him and hide his presence and when he senses the unmistakable aura of Papae and Mamae, he changes zone, letting his friends distract them.
He underestimated them, though. When he wakes up the next morning and timidly enters the kitchen, Mamae and Papae immediately turn to him and stare with wide, worried eyes.
Mamae is holding Ashera, but she is entirely focused on him, as well as Papae is.
“Da’fen.” Papae calls, moving two seats to let him and Mamae sit. “Come here.”
Fenor quietly does as he is told and waits, eyes cast down, face red, heart full of apprehension.
“Why did you avoid us last night? You were fleeing.” Papae starts, resting a comforting hand on his shoulder. His voice is full of concern and anxiety. “Did something happen?”
“Is it because of Ashera?” Mamae asks softly and Fenor blushes even more.
Of course they already noticed it. Considering how strange his behavior has been in the last month, they must have realized the cause was the baby.
Mamae gives her to Papae so that she can use her hand to caress Fenor’s face. He realizes there are tears in his eyes and when Mamae strokes his cheek with her thumb, they flow freely.
“Da’vhenan.” she calls softly, then pulls him in a warm embrace. Papae sits on his chair and one of his broad hands rests on his back, rubbing it gently.
Fenor cries quietly, breaking into sobs and hiccups only when he can’t hold them back. He sniffles a lot, though, and soon Mamae’s shirt is wet and dirty with snot.
“We know it’s a scary, new thing.” she says, rubbing her cheek on his hair. “It’s a huge change after eight years.”
“We are sorry we were so busy and distracted these days.” Papae continues gently. “But never fear, da’fen, we will never stop loving you.”
“We will always be here for you.” Mamae kisses his head and Fenor smiles at them, sniffling again. Then his eyes fall on Ashera and his expression changes back into fear.
Papae moves her closer to him and he instinctively draws back into Mamae’s hug.
She and Papae exchange a surprised, worried look, then she whispers: “Why don’t you try to know her better? You won’t break her, I promise!” She grins and moves the stump of her left arm. “She is so light you can hold her even with one hand only!”
“And she gurgles and smiles a lot.” Papae adds with his own grin. “I am sure you won’t get bored.”
But that’s exactly what scares him. She is too light, she is too different, new, and unfamiliar. She makes those weird sounds that make no sense - how do Mamae and Papae even know what she needs and wants?
He can’t even bring himself to give her his toys. He would only break her.
So he shakes his head, silent like a statue, and frees himself from Mamae’s embrace, running out and finding respite in the huge garden surrounding their house.
He comes back only at midday and his parents don’t scold him or try to let him hold Ashera again: they smile at him and kiss his head, then he helps them prepare lunch.
For a moment, everything feels normal again and Fenor even believes he is back to the days before Ashera was born.
But then she starts crying in the crib they moved in the kitchen and the illusion breaks.
He watches Mamae pick her up and lull her, while Papae keeps stirring the soup. They keep talking to him, probably to distract him from Ashera’s cries, but his eyes refuse to leave her as she mumbles and coos against Mamae’s shoulder.
“Will I have to give her my toys?” he blurts out before he can stop himself.
Papae and Mamae turn to him with astonished faces and he blushes, panics, and babbles: “I-I’m sorry! I know I have to, I just thought…” He looks back and forth from Mamae’s golden eyes to Papae’s blue-gray ones. “Can I… Can I keep my favorite ones?”
“Fenor!” Papae exclaims. “What are you talking about?”
“Sweetheart, those are your toys! You don’t have to give them to her, she will have her own.” Mamae adds and Fenor feels terribly bad, because they are looking sad and he is making them worry a lot.
“I’m sorry.” he mumbles, looking down and blushing again when his father ruffles his hair and Mamae presses a gentle kiss on it.
After lunch, he goes to his room, saying he wants to explore the Fade a bit. He knows Papae will sense it, should something go wrong, but things rarely get dangerous in the world of spirits now.
Mamae and Papae told him things weren’t like that before the Restoration, but everything is better now and the spirits and all the races he encounters in the Beyond are good people. Those who aren’t get easily recognized, especially by the spirits.
… Papae made sure to make his steps in the Fade even easier anyway.
Fenor doesn’t know how - probably a powerful spell -, but the world of spirits almost seems to know who he is and the spirits greatly respect him and his parents, while the Fade leads him to the safest, most interesting zones.
But he doesn’t fall asleep this time. He hears them talk in their room and he just has to sneak into the corridor and press his ear on the closed door to hear perfectly what they are saying.
“Oh, Solas.” Mamae is saying, her voice full of anxiety and sorrow. “I am so worried. I knew it would have been difficult for him, but…”
“Scarlet.” Papae says. The sound of a kiss follows, then: “Vhenan, do not fear. He will get used to this in time. We must be patient.”
“He doesn’t look jealous, though! Just…” she hesitates for a moment before concluding softly: “Just really scared of Ashera in general. As if he can’t understand who she is exactly.”
Papae hums and Fenor hears clothes and sheets move. They are probably resting down on the bed for their nap.
“You are right.” Papae says. “He looks frightened. As you said this morning, this is very new and confusing for him. We can only wait.”
Mamae makes a tiny, low sound of agreement, then they kiss again and Fenor quickly goes back to his room.
A wisp of the Fade has entered it and he spends the next hour playing with it and talking to it.
Together with spirits, they have been some of his best friends in the past years and he always felt comfortable with them. He also likes the children of the village outside the forest, of course, and the wolves that come visit once in a while.
Mamae and Papae and all his uncles and aunts are his best friends too.
The only one he can’t really place is Ashera and it’s like Mamae said: he can’t wrap his head around her and what she really means. She doesn’t feel real.
She suddenly starts cooing loudly. He can hear her well because he left the door of his room open, so the sound reaches him more easily and clearly. He tries not to pay attention to it, but something feels wrong.
Usually Mamae and Papae intervene or react immediately to her sounds, but this time there is only silence. Even the wisp looks confused and Fenor slowly gets out of bed and goes back in front of his parents’ door. He presses his ear on it like before and, together with Ashera’s sounds, he hears also light snoring.
He opens the door, trying to be as much silent as he can. Mamae and Papae are deeply asleep, so much they are deaf to everything. They looked pretty tired in the past month, he noticed that, and it seems their bodies gave up this time.
Ashera’s sounds become more urgent, upset, and Fenor can’t help but go to her crib. He peeks into it and for the first time, he really looks at her, he sees her.
The color of her eyes is the same golden as Mamae’s, but Papae said their shape and her hair - a light brown, almost copper - is like his… even though Fenor always saw him being bald.
He compares himself to her: he inherited Mamae’s red hair and the shape of her eyes, while their color is Papae’s grey-blue shade.
They are different, but he can see much of their parents in her and consequently of himself too.
She gurgles happily and reaches for him and Fenor timidly gives her his hand. She wraps her short fingers around his index finger and smiles, shaking her legs. Her ears are tiny, but much pointed, and Fenor tickles one with his free hand, making her giggle.
And then something blooms in him. The fear that has been growing in him in the past days melts away and only this euphoric, happy feeling remains. He laughs with the baby and then gathers the courage to pick her up.
Mamae was right, she is very light and squishy, but he isn’t scared of hurting her anymore. She looks like she always belonged there in his arms and in this house and he lets her touch his face.
“Hi, Ashera.” he says, beaming at her, and she gurgles and smiles again, grabbing his chin with her small hand. He laughs again, then hears a sound and gasps, turning around.
Mamae and Papae are watching them and on their faces there are the biggest, brightest smiles Fenor has ever seen. He is sure there are some tears in their eyes too.
“Look! Ashera smiled at me!” he exclaims happily, going to the bed. “She smiled and grabbed my finger, then I tickled her and she laughed too!”
“Oh, my little wolf!” Mamae says, pressing a loud smooch on his forehead, and Papae kisses his hair, before helping him get on bed without hurting Ashera.
“Can I read to her?” Fenor asks as he watches her gnaw on his finger. “I could read her my favorite book! The one Uncle Varric wrote for me!”
“I am sure she will love it.” Mamae says, giggling when he cheers and hands her the baby.
He runs to his room and comes back with the book and his pillow under his arm.
His parents already prepared his usual spot in the middle of the bed and their proud smiles are still there. They give him more kisses, then Mamae places Ashera right next to him and he starts reading, often looking at her to see if she is interested.
Judging by her gurgles and smiles, she definitely is.
Sometimes he stops to ask Papae to remind him how to pronounce a difficult word or to ask Mamae if they ever encountered the wyverns Uncle Varric describes in the book when the Inquisition still existed.
They listen to him intently too, laughing with him when he reaches a funny part and holding their breath when the battles begin.
As always, Papae has wrapped one arm around Mamae’s shoulders, playing with her hair, and Fenor covers Ashera’s eyes every time they kiss. He glares at them.
“Sorry!” Papae grins, while Mamae smiles timidly and blushes. He knows them well and he is ready to shield his sister’s eyes whenever their parents get mushy.
She is still way too young to see that stuff.
He keeps reading with his index finger tightly held by her and thinks that, yes, this is where she always belonged to.