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Megan just wasn’t having the best day. Not even just the best day, in fact, it was the whole week that was killing her. All of her bones ached in ways that would make her members immediately send her to bed, or if not send her to a doctor. She had woken up at four in the morning much to her annoyance due to accidentally setting her alarm to pick up clothes for four A.M instead of P.M. Then, she had no clue where her back brace was. The last time she saw it, it was sitting on her bed right before she took a shower. She was so damn exhausted from the night before, she couldn’t remember anything after that besides her head touching her pillow. She practically almost turned her and Lara’s room upside down trying to locate where it was and yet she had zero luck. Maybe she would’ve found it if we had simply asked her roommate for help but refused to because Lara looked like she was on the verge of losing her mind due to her insomnia.
So, she was forced to go through hours and hours of rehearsals without the one thing that made her pain somewhat tolerable. Even with her and Daniela chasing each other during breaks, or Sophia offering her a sip of her (very strong) coffee, she still couldn’t shake the pain away, so she just forced herself to smile the entire day. The only time she didn’t fake a laugh was when she was watching Yoonchae and Manon attempt to do one of those recently viral TikTok challenges. She watched from afar with a fond smile on her face, and it only grew wider when she made eye contact with her girlfriend in the reflection of the mirror.
Rehearsal carried on until after the sun had set but even then Megan refused to go home until she got all the details for their choreography executed perfectly. On one hand, being a perfectionist meant wanting to give her best performance possible and that truly did push her to her maximum potential. On the other hand however, it also meant getting frustrated time and time again from missing a small beat during a dance break or staying at their studio late at night, and Megan was doing both of them at the moment. No matter how many times she slowed the music down to be more precise, she couldn’t get the move right. Her feet were killing her since she accidentally grabbed the wrong practice pair of shoes this morning when they were in a rush, and she can’t take them off even though she has socks on because the floor is too slippery and she would be at risk of breaking a bone if she fell. Her throat is sore because she ran out of water earlier and she’s more worried over mastering her dance moves then hydrating herself.
Megan eventually does fall – it’s nothing severe thankfully, it’s just that her foot gave up trying to hold her entire weight and she collapses on the cold, hard wood face first onto the floor. She hits her forehead hard and it makes her dizzy for a second before all the exhaustion catches up to her out of nowhere. Although it’s not really ‘out of nowhere’ because Megan has been trying to ignore the signs from her body like her life depends on it. She just lies there emotionlessly, wishing the ground could swallow her whole but she’s also glad none of the other members are present to see her in her current state. If she had the option she would’ve just chosen to stay here for the night because she really doesn’t want to get up, drive home, and do her bedtime routine, especially not when at least one of the girls will try to lock her in her room to stop overworking herself. But Megan can’t help it. She hates staying home and resting, doing quite literally nothing while the others have to work extra hard when she’s not present.
She slowly gets up from the floor and just about drags her feet to the exit to walk herself to her car. As soon as she gets in she sighs, already dreading sitting behind the wheel for at the very least twenty minutes. It’s not that Megan doesn’t like driving; it’s quite the opposite. One of her all time favorite pastimes is to drive around just to see the landscape of L.A with one of her fellow members in the passenger seat (preferably Yoonchae) and chat about useless, stupid stuff that goes on in their day-to-day lives.
The drive back to the KATSEYE house ends up being half an hour, despite there being no traffic due to Megan driving at the slowest rate she ever has in her life. She receives a message or two from Humberto checking if she has finally gone home for the night and technically she’s not lying as long as she’s no longer in the studio, right? She pulls up in their driveway to see that the lights in their main living room downstairs are still on. Shit, Megan says in her head. Now they’re gonna see how much of a wreck I look like.
She unlocks the front door and when she pushes it open she sees the other five girls scattered across the living room. Sophia and Daniela were sharing a beanbag beside Manon, who was sitting on the floor, and Yoonchae and Lara laying down together on the couch. They had the TV on and were watching the news (their ‘new’ bonding method, Sophia had said at breakfast one morning.) Damn it, she thinks. Now all of her members can see the way her body hunches over in exhaustion, the way her eyes are close to shutting at any moment, and the way she almost forgets to lock the door.
All five of them snap their eyes to where she’s standing in the doorway, their expressions all showing the same emotion: concern. “Megan?” Sophia speaks up first. “What’s wrong?” Her eyebrows are furrowed in worry and she gets up from the beanbag to walk over to Megan and takes off her bag for her. She almost struggles with the weight but she sets it down on the floor. Yet, even with the help, Megan’s shoulders still feel heavy and she didn’t know how else they could relax.
Megan stands there, overwhelmed by even just one question. She shakes her head, “I’m fine. I just need rest.” She needs more than just sleep, but she can’t demand a two week vacation out of nowhere when they have rehearsal everyday preparing for performances. She’s been looking at her feet the entire time because she can’t dare to look at Sophia in the eye, not when she’s right in front of her and can’t think straight. Her eyes slowly drift over to where Yoonchae is sitting and she immediately regrets it. She quickly darts her face away to the sight of her girlfriend looking heartbroken.
She croaks out, “I’m going to be in my room. Goodnight.” She avoids the concerned looks on her members' faces as she limps her way to the stairs. Sophia doesn’t try to follow her, and that makes Megan feel even more guilty but she won’t do anything to fix it.
Lara calls out to her, “Meg?” But she shakes her head again, refusing to speak. Megan doesn’t bother to bring her bag upstairs so she goes to her room empty handed and she has to grip onto the railings to make sure she doesn’t fall. She’s barely able to turn on the light when she enters her room and groans when she sees the mess that she left on her bed this morning. She grabs almost everything and puts it all on her desk, not bothering to put her clothes in her drawer or her makeup back in her pouch.
As soon as she lays down she has to resist the urge to cry because she knows that everyone downstairs will be able to hear it. Her head sinks into the pillow and as much as she wants to sleep, Megan’s aware there’s too much on her mind for her brain to be at peace. She curls herself into a ball like a kid and shuts her eyes to try to ignore her splitting headache, her tensed shoulders, her injured foot, and the worries of not doing good enough. Now that she’s thinking about it, her splitting headache is instead most likely a migraine which only makes her head feel more flooded with worry and she feels her ears start to ring a little. If she had the energy, she would go downstairs to take her Lexapro dose but she’s now convinced that won’t even help her. She’s cold and can even feel her own goosebumps on her arms but her blanket is at the edge of her bed on the verge of falling and Megan is too tired to even groan to herself.
She tries to distract herself by thinking about other things that have been going on besides rehearsal after rehearsal but her mind keeps looping back to the incorrect move she did time and time again and still hasn’t figured out how to fix it without asking for help. She avoids requesting assistance because not only is it so embarrassing to ask, but also because she’s the all-rounder of KATSEYE and is always looked up to on their choreographies, even by Daniela. (Although they frequently debate on who is better at dancing as a joke, at the end of the day Grant always assigns Megan the task to look over the other members when he’s not there. Megan finds it unfair because Daniela should also receive credit and Daniela finds it unfair because that puts more pressure on Megan.)
Megan feels her eyes begin to water and bites her lip to try to stop a tear from rolling down her cheek. She quickly wipes the tear away using the back of her sleeve and she covers her head with the hoodie she’s wearing. Then she realizes that her hoodie isn’t even hers, it belongs to Yoonchae. A couple nights ago they had stayed up, legs tangled in their sheets as they played Minecraft together until two in the morning despite having schedules in a few hours. Yoonchae was so scared about dying in a village raid she began to sweat and took off her sweatshirt. Apparently she had forgotten to take it back to her room and Megan decided to put it on this morning without thinking twice. She smiles to herself when she recalls how adorable Yoonchae was when she was pouting after Megan had to make iron armor for her again since she did in fact die in the village raid. But even with her remembering the sweet moment between the two of them, Megan’s tears still threaten to spill.
Eventually she hears a soft knock on the door. It’s hesitant, as if the person behind the door is unsure whether or not to talk to her. “Come in,” Megan mumbles.
The door opens just enough for Sophia to fit her head through the crack, “Do you want anything?” She says so sweetly, Megan almost wants to tell her everything that has been on her chest.
Megan sniffles and turns around to face her. “Yoonchae.” She admits almost weakly.
Sophia nods her head in understanding and closes the door softly. Although Megan will never admit it out loud from cringing at her own words, Sophia has always been the one she looked up to the most. Having one of, and if not the hardest job between all the members surely isn’t easy, yet Sophia has always done the best at maintaining her composure even when things get rough. Even though her defense levels have always been high, Megan has seen through the cracks a few times and was able to be there for Sophia. She loves her – and the feeling is mutual. Sophia was the member who was the most aware of Megan and Yoonchae’s relationship; after all, she does share a room with the youngest member and as the leader she is supposed to keep everything in check. So she is well aware that Megan and Yoonchae share secrets with each other that will stay between the two of them until the end of time, because that’s just how they are.
About a minute later, Megan hears light footsteps heading up to the hallway and eventually the door opens again and Yoonchae peeks through, her heart breaking when she sees her girlfriend’s current state. “Sophia said you wanted me,” Megan nods her head and for the first time ever, she looks small and unguarded. Even during Dream Academy when they saw the worst sides of each other, Yoonchae has never seen this part of Megan before. She’s always the one to crack jokes to hide the things she dwelled on and what kept her up at night.
Megan sits up slowly “Come here,” She whispers, the vulnerability beginning to reveal itself. Yoonchae doesn’t hesitate to walk over to her bed and climb in with her. She pulls up the blanket that was still sitting at the edge of the bed and is about to give it to Megan until she decides to wrap it around the girl herself. Megan is sitting criss-cross on the bed while her hands are on her ankle and at first they just sit there without saying anything, but then Yoonchae takes Megan’s hand and interwhines their fingers. Astonished, the older stares at their held hands like it’s foreign, because it is. Although Yoonchae doesn’t have a problem with physical touch, she has never been someone who even enjoyed hand-holding in the slightest; she always cringes anytime she sees a couple hold hands in public. Hell, she once admitted she would rather be caught making out with Megan then holding her hand by one of their members. She looks at Yoonchae with wide eyes, still in disbelief.
“You were at the studio, weren’t you? Overworking yourself again?”
Feeling guilty, Megan turns her head away and looks back at her lap. “I just want everything to be perfect if I can make it happen.”
“You can’t be perfect, Megan. No one can.” Yoonchae says softly.
“I know,” Megan’s voice cracks, “It’s just…” She can’t seem to find the proper words, but Yoonchae knows exactly what she’s talking about. She’s seen the way Megan stresses when she isn’t in control of something bad, she’s seen the way she gets upset over an insensitive comment, and she’s certainly seen her watch her performance videos over and over again, trying to analyze every frame and see what she needs to work on. Despite that, Yoonchae thinks that Megan is the best performer she’s ever seen – the way she glows anytime they’re on stage makes her think she was crafted by an angel from heaven.
“Lay down with me,” Yoonchae scoots down on the bed until her head is able to rest on the pillow and in a few seconds Megan is cuddled up to her like a koala in a tree. The Korean girl wraps an arm around her waist and the other is holding her head for comfort. Megan’s cheek is pressed against Yoonchae’s chest and she sighs, basking in the feeling of being in her arms. Usually, when they cuddled the roles would be reversed and ninety percent of the time Yoonchae would be sitting in Megan’s lap while they watched a k-drama together.
They sit in silence until Megan breaks it, “I’m scared I’m not doing good enough. I know you guys are always telling me to let myself take a break or to stop worrying so much, but you know I can’t help it. Everything just feels so heavy and if I let myself stop for a moment I’m afraid I’ll mess all of it up.”
Megan tilted her head up to look at Yoonchae, who had her eyes shut like she was asleep. However, she stroked her hair with her thumb, acknowledging that she was indeed listening.
Megan sighs, “And I feel like a burden.”
Yoonchae’s eyes snap open, “What?”
“I don’t know how to say it,” She confesses, “But I have that feeling–”
“Megan,” Yoonchae says suddenly, and the latter flinches a bit. “You’re anything but a burden. Not just to me, but to everyone else. It’s okay to let yourself take a break, whether you realize it or not. You’re not dragging anyone down when you’re not at your best. I believe you’ll overcome everything, all of us do. You’re not alone, Megan, you don’t have to keep what’s bothering you to yourself, we’re all here for you. I’m here for you.”
“I know, I’m sorry,” Megan’s breath hitches, “But I don’t like being like this. I’ve been through worse, way worse so it just feels wrong to me. Fuck, Yoonchae, you shouldn’t have to be here holding me like a child who just broke their crayons for the first time ever. You should be downstairs with the others and not worrying about me freaking out late at night–”
“Megan, enough,” Yoonchae holds her tighter. “Don’t talk about yourself like that.”
“I’m sorry.” Megan apologizes, then does it again and again, “I’m sorry, Yoonchae.” She doesn’t even know what she’s specifically saying sorry for, all she knows is that she’s about to break into a million pieces.
“Why are you saying sorry?” Yoonchae looks down at her, and Megan looks so crushed. “You haven’t done anything wrong.”
“I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore.” Megan feels a tear roll down her cheek again.
“You mean everything to me, don’t you know that?
Then, Megan’s wall crumbles down and she begins to sob into Yoonchae’s chest and lets everything go. All of the barriers she had built around herself were now broken, her pent up feelings escaping her after bottling everything in. The amount of constant self-neglect and lack of care for herself had finally broken her and was too much for Megan to bear on her own. Her heart clenched in her chest and she buried her face deeper into Yoonchae’s embrace.
Megan cried and cried as she let everything out. She was almost positive that her tears were soaking Yoonchae’s shirt but the latter could not care any less. As a matter of fact, Yoonchae wanted to cry herself seeing Megan like this and she wished she could take away all her pain in an instant. Her lips hovered over Megan’s ear and whispered things that were only meant for her to hear. Megan looked up mid-cry with her glossy red eyes and tear-streaked face and that only made Yoonchae hold her closer. Megan didn’t notice how blurry her vision was from the tears until she felt Yoonchae’s hand wiping them off herself. Yoonchae brushed the hair in front of Megan’s eyes and tucked it behind her ear gently, right where her tattoo was.
Megan had calmed down a couple minutes later, only sniffling every now and then. “Sophia called for a vacation day tomorrow. For the six of us. We’ll be able to sleep in and stay here at the house.” Yoonchae told her soothingly. “You need the rest.”
“So do you,” Megan mumbles sleepily in her chest.
“Hush. Don’t shift the conversation.”
Megan knows that the next time they have rehearsal she’ll have to go through it again, but this time it won’t be so bad because she now knows she’ll have Yoonchae by her side the entire time. If not literally, then metaphorically. And yet despite everything, Megan feels all her worries disappear when Yoonchae cradles her head in her chest and presses a kiss to the top of her head. It’s still such an odd feeling for her because usually she’ll be the one being held by Megan in their bed, but at the moment she couldn’t care less. The smell of Yoonchae’s perfume feels like home, not home home like Hawaii, but home where she feels the safest.
“You don’t have to keep everything to yourself,” Yoonchae whispers, unsure if Megan has fallen asleep yet. She pulls the blanket more onto Megan so she’s not as cold because she noticed the goosebumps on her arms. “You don’t have to be alone.” Megan hugs Yoonchae’s waist tighter.
Megan is about to dose off in the comfort of Yoonchae’s arms whenever she hears it, “Saranghae,”
Yeah, there was no longer a need to be fearful anymore, because everything was going to be alright.