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Since she was a child, An was used to parties.
No matter if they were big parties with people from all Tokyo that she didn't personally know, or if they were small parties with only her family or her closest friends. She was always present in all of them, and, until some minutes ago, she was in one that fell in the last category.
It was a New Year, and An went to celebrate with the others. There were only a few people —the closest friends to her and her group— but still, she had her fun, while covering a sleepy Akito with all kinds of clothes, while losing to Toya at Mario Kart, and even while making fake phone calls with Mizuki and the others to random people.
To say it better, An was a social animal that brought half of the fun in all of the parties she went to, but all this came with a price.
As she was closing the door of her house behind her, leaning towards it, slipping slightly, she let out a sigh that didn't go unheard.
"An-chan? Is everything alright?"
Oh, how could she forget about the sweetest girl in the world that was in front of her?
Kohane Azusawa, her partner, her best friend, her girlfriend, her Sun, her Everything —with a capital E.
And she didn't forget her —in fact, they had been glued together all evening— but by now it was such a natural and obvious thing that An considered it her normality. When An started to cover Akito with too many things, Kohane was by her, trying to hide her laugh, saying that Akito was going to wake up all sweaty and so, to not exaggerate; when An was playing with Toya, Kohane was with her, either playing on her team or against her, but still supporting each other. When An and the others were making crazy phone calls, obviously by now, Kohane was there —actually a little further away than usual, to avoid getting involved in things that were, in her opinion, slightly illegal— but still, she was there to laugh every time An spoke with a strange and funny voice while trying to 'sell' some strange products.
Kohane was just there, always with An in everything they did together.
And of course, An was always with her too, supporting her, both from afar and from near.
"Mm?" An mumbled, slower than usual. "Just tired, Love."
At hearing that, An could see the usual reaction from her girlfriend when she called her "Love": a blush spreading across her cheeks —especially her nose— and a small squeak coming from her mouth, as if An had taken her by surprise.
And even though Kohane was used to her girlfriend's manners, she couldn't help but be at least a little surprised before regaining her composure.
"Are you sure, An-chan? You were silent the whole way."
And here came the concern from the shorter girl. An couldn't help but snort at her manners a little.
"Don't worry. After all, it's 2 a.m. and I'm kinda sleepy."
Having said that, An moved from her previous position, now going toward the couch —but not before leaving a little kiss, just a light touch with her lips, on Kohane's cheek.
Kohane remained there, watching the taller girl slump onto the couch, her whole body now fully relaxed.
"Make yourself at home, 'Hane," she said, now feeling her eyelids about to close completely, but still keeping them open. She muttered something under her breath that Kohane only heard because she had good hearing (in exchange for terrible eyesight): "even though I shouldn't even tell you anymore, you're always welcome here."
Kohane smiled softly at that, announcing that she was going to drop her things in An's room and then take a shower.
And so she did, leaving a sleepy An on the couch.
By now, the girl should have been asleep -especially since the party had tired her out a lot— but she was still awake, eyes closed, thinking about everything.
First, she thought about how her parents were doing on their own vacation. Obviously, she had called them hours ago to wish them a happy New Year, but it was the first time in her whole life being left alone while her parents went off on their own to another country. Ken had only trusted her because he knew that his daughter would probably only come home to sleep, and that in the meantime, she would be out all day with her friends, whom he saw as good friends.
Then she thought about them. An cared a lot about her friends, she loved them dearly (Akito too, but she would never admit it) and she couldn't imagine a life without them. They had known each other for a long time, and they were everything to her, even though she knew there wasn't much chance this would last forever.
In fact, An, just as she was used to parties and having people around, was also used to solitude, even if that might seem contradictory to the previous statement.
Her loneliness wasn't due to a lack of people. Her parents were always there for her, for anything. She had long-time friends, like Haruka, and now she also had Kohane and the others. But the constant thought that everyone would eventually leave her alone —that everyone would eventually get bored of her— was, and has always been, there. It just got worse with age.
These problems were due to her childhood. Her mother was always at work, due to being a teacher, and her father and the others always made her empty promises, which they never kept —like the day in which she ran out in the rain— always because of work. She knew that friendships didn't last forever, or that after a while, they would drift apart, like with Haruka.
An was used to not having someone to turn to. She knew that relationships didn't last forever.
So, to recap: yes, she had friends, but the feeling of loneliness didn’t go away. It was a different kind of loneliness.
Would all this last?
Was there any certainty that she would not be alone again?
That Kohane, Akito, and Toya won’t leave either?
And here was another problem for An: feeling inferior to the others. The Rad Blast had already happened months ago, her feelings for Kohane had already been sorted out and they had just returned from a nice "vacation" in America, but An noticed that the others were continuing to improve. Toya was now composing most of the songs —a role previously assigned to An or Akito. Akito, on the other hand, was now taking over the choreography —something that was mostly done by An alone. And finally, Kohane.
Despite everything, Kohane continued to improve and improve.
An had finally come to terms with the matter. Even though she knew Kohane considered her equal, and that An had set herself the goal of always keeping pace with her, she couldn't help but think about it every now and then.
She grew up in Vivid Street. She probably started singing before she was born, as many teased her about, and she was talented. She was born into a talented family it was only natural for her to inherit something from them, and An always bragged about her singing.
She was the little princess of Vivid Street; everyone cheered for her, everyone knew her worth, everyone knew how much she’d worked to get to that point. She'd even won many competitions —some in a row— thus creating a long streak.
But there were certain moments when she couldn't help but think about the worst things, like while lying in bed after a bad day, where she always ended up crying herself to sleep, as she had done since she was a child.
Crying was a weakness for her, and as much as she knew how stupid it was, An never cried in front of anyone. It was a shame to her. The only times she’d cried in front of anyone were a few times —mostly when she was little— when she got hurt or wanted something and had to convince her mother to buy it for her or, but only a few times, when she’d started opening up to Kohane, even though she still couldn’t stand it. Despite her girlfriend telling her a thousand times that it was okay and that she could let herself open up with her, sometimes she held back.
And the first and last time she cried in front of a group of people was...
Oh,
right.
Nagi-san.
That day Taiga decided to tell the truth, after three years of being kept in the dark by everyone she loved.
Nagi-san’s death.
Even though she didn’t let anyone see it, An was still grieving. The situation had improved since the first few weeks, but every time she thought about it, An couldn’t help but flinch.
And so she did, interrupting her "nap."
Her eyes widened and she jumped slightly from her previous position, sitting upright with heavy, labored breathing.
After the news, An’s problems worsened, and despite seeing a psychologist every now and then, she still couldn’t help but think negatively sometimes. Her thoughts spiraled; first focusing again on the feeling of being left alone, how everyone would leave sooner or later, they would realize how awful she was, how untalented she was, how useless she was, how she pretended to be okay even when she wasn’t, how she wasn’t important to anyone, how she was never their first choice, how she never had been.
Vivid BAD SQUAD would leave her. They would find a replacement—someone who could compose great music and choreography, who wrote profound lyrics, who could sing better, who could keep up with Kohane.
She was inferior, and it was all her fault. She should have tried harder, so no one would have left her, so her parents would have devoted more time to her, so her ex-friends wouldn’t have got bored of her, so Nagi wouldn’t have called her weak, and the others would have told her the truth right away.
But An was naive. She was too trusting. She was like a child. She’d always had a big heart. She cared about everyone, even those who didn’t deserve it. She made friends with everyone, even the people who treated her horribly and then left her alone.
She was afraid. An felt like a scared child, just as she was when she decided to run away that day when Nagi went to save her, just as she was after she brought her back to her father while she was crying. That day, she had made them suffer because of her mistake, and An hated it.
An hated all of this, her stupidity about these things, just as she knows they’re stupid thoughts and shouldn’t give them so much weight. But she can’t. She’s scared.
She will live in fear. She lives in fear and has lived in fear. It’s the only thing she knows besides being alone.
Will everyone realize this sooner or later, or have they already realized it and are just pretending?
Yes, it’s plausible.
They’ll leave her. Haruka will completely replace her with Minori and the others. Mizuki will realize she’s a fake and will leave. Her classmates and other friends will realize she’s only good at pretending and will isolate her.
Toya will find someone else to go to the arcade with after school, someone smarter than her who can win even the most insignificant stuffed animal, someone who gets good grades in school and is well-read.
Akito will find someone he won't argue with every second of his life, someone who maybe shares his passion for pancakes and despises carrots as much as he does.
And Kohane will find someone better, period. She's heard all sorts of things from An; she needs some rest —someone who doesn't just throw their problems at her, someone to share her passion for reading, someone who understands photography, someone better, someone other than An.
An loves her. Kohane is everything to her, but sometimes it would be better if Kohane didn’t think the same about her. How can she be with An? How can she stand her? Doesn’t she realize how useless she is, how awful she is? Why is she still here? How can she stand someone like this?
An doesn’t understand. An can’t understand. Why does everyone make fun of her like this? Do they think it’s funny? All An wants is something real, something peaceful.
But she’ll never be able to have all this. Even the only person she truly trusted left her. The person that was An’s first Sun, the person who promised her they’d sing on a real stage together when she was old enough.
Nagi left her too and won’t come back.
Who knows, maybe deep down she hated An too. But we’ll never know. An will never know, because Nagi died.
Nagi abandoned her.
She had the courage to do it too. Who knows how many times she lied to her, but we’ll never know.
Nagi is dead.
Nagi is dead, An.
Accept it. She’ll never come back.
And the others will do the same. You’ll be alone.
You don’t deserve anyone else.
Get lost.
It would be better if you di—
“An-chan! Hey, are you okay? An??”
An was worse than before. She was no longer on the couch and now she was on the floor, on her knees. She didn’t even know when or how she’d ended up there. Her forehead rested on the coffee table in front of the couch, almost curled up in a ball. She was shaking from head to toe, her breathing was heavy and she had a hard time inhaling and exhaling. She was crying; her face was wet, full of tears. She tried to move, but she couldn’t. Her body wouldn’t obey her. She tried to scream, but she couldn't. She couldn’t even hear Kohane, who had come out of the shower, who was now on her knees, trying to get her to sit up straight, who was trying to calm her down, and who was talking to her.
This wasn’t the first time An had a sudden panic attack, but it was the first time she felt so helpless —so weak that not even her body obeyed her.
Kohane slowly, despite her sudden panic, helped An sit up so she could at least see her and then quickly drew back her hands. And indeed, An could then see Kohane, even though her head was somewhere else. Even though she could see Kohane talking to her, An couldn’t hear her. An couldn't do anything but look at her.
How disgusting, An. You’re crying in front of Kohane, you’re worrying her. Get a grip.
But she couldn’t. Part of her wanted to scream at Kohane to stay with her, to comfort her like she always does, while the other part wanted to tell her to leave —that she could find someone better.
But An couldn’t do any of that.
She felt useless.
Luckily, Kohane had seen the girl’s panic attacks before, and while she wasn’t a complete expert on how to handle them, she knew how to offer her some comfort. She wasn’t reachable now, and even though An was watching her, Kohane could see that An wasn’t in the best state of mind.
So she sat down across from her.
And she did everything she could to avoid appearing like something that might bother An further, keeping her distance.
“Hey, it’s me, Kohane. I’m here now, it’s okay.”
But there was no reaction from the taller girl. An continued to tremble, and it didn’t seem like she had felt anything, even though she continued to look at her with an unusual look, full of fear and begging for something from her.
Then Kohane began to breathe exaggeratedly so that An could notice. She inhaled and exhaled. In and out, while trying to guide her through.
Finally, she took off the ring on her finger —the one An had given her for their anniversary— and gave it to her. An had the same ring and wore it even when she slept. She loved playing with it, but since she wasn’t in any condition to take it off her finger, Kohane gladly gave her hers and placed it on her knee so she wouldn’t accidentally touch her.
An lowered her gaze from Kohane’s face to the ring and stared at it for a while. Meanwhile, the shorter girl continued to reassure her every now and then, but not too much, to avoid overwhelming her.
There was no immediate reaction. But after a couple of minutes, An, with trembling hands, grabbed the ring and began turning it between her fingers.
“Good. It’s okay now,” Kohane’s voice was calm and sweet; she whispered to make An comfortable. “I’m here for you, always.”
Kohane sat there, repeating sweet nothings to An, not expecting her to respond. Occasionally, she fell silent, but always made sure to let An know she was there with her.
After a while, An’s breathing began to calm down. It was still agitated, but not as frenetic as before; it was regulated. She was beginning to regain control of her body. Her hands no longer trembled like before, and she wasn’t crying, just some little sobs.
“Kohane?” she whispered, looking up at Kohane.
“Hey, I’m here.”
And An, who no longer cared about showing herself in this condition in front of Kohane, threw her arms around her, burying her face in the hollow between her neck and shoulder, always tightening her grip on the ring.
“Kohane, I…”
“Shh, it’s okay. We’ll talk later.”
And so they did. An cried there for a while longer, and Kohane never left her side for a second, just staying silent and giving her some light kisses where she could.
And she held her so dearly that An was going to combust.
After a while, An stopped sobbing, but Kohane still cradled her. The only sounds in the room were the two girls’ breathing and Kohane's soft voice, singing.
An slowly moved away from Kohane, still not looking at her face —she couldn’t bear it— but slowly, she handed the ring back to its owner.
“Thank you.”
“Always.” Kohane accepted the ring and put it on her finger, where it belonged. “Is it okay if I go get you a glass of water?”
An wanted to partly refuse, wanting to say there was no need, that she could go get it, but she couldn’t bring herself to do so, so she nodded.
But as soon as Kohane stood up, An realized that this meant Kohane would leave her, and Kohane immediately noticed the sudden change in An’s breathing. Before another panic attack could return, Kohane proposed she follow her into the kitchen so she wouldn’t be alone.
And that’s where they were now, in the kitchen. It took a while to get An to her feet, as she was shaking from head to toe, and Kohane had to hold her up the entire way to keep her legs from giving out, even though it was a short walk.
Kohane was pouring water into glasses, one for herself and one for An, while An leaned on the kitchen counter. Her arms were long at her sides, and the fingers of her right hand began to tremble slightly —a gesture, Kohane noticed, new she’d developed, indicating that she was nervous.
Now that she had finished pouring the water, Kohane turned to An, who was still not looking at her, and offered her the glass.
"Here."
An looked at the glass of water and started to pick it up, but as soon as she noticed that her hand was still shaking, she stopped in her tracks. She hesitated for a moment —and An never hesitated— but she recovered almost immediately.
"I can't do it... Can you..."
"Of course."
Kohane slowly put down her glass and helped An drink.
"Thank you."
"Any time."
They remained like that for a while—An leaning against the counter and Kohane across from her, slowly drinking from her glass. It was now 3:17, Kohane noticed. Her thoughts were interrupted by An.
"I'm sorry."
"For what?" Kohane responded, knowing full well what was coming.
"For everything."
Kohane tried her best to hold back a sigh —not because she was annoyed, but because it wasn’t the first time she and An had approached the subject, and she knew they’d touch upon it again any moment.
But Kohane wasn’t one to lose patience. She would confront An and her insecurities every time she asked, forever.
"I don’t understand what you mean by 'everything,' An-chan. Do you want to explain yourself better?"
"It’s always the same thing. You should already know what I’m talking about."
"I’d prefer it if you explained it anyway, if it’s not a problem."
A sigh escaped An’s mouth. "I’m the problem."
"An-chan—"
"Kohane, don’t, please."
Kohane apologized and fell silent, giving An time to speak.
"It was a beautiful evening and I ruined it. I’m sorry, I don’t even know how it happened.
"At first I was just thinking about the party and you guys… I don’t know what went wrong, but then I started thinking about the same old things, about my loneliness,” An paused for a moment, hating the crack in her voice as she spoke, “about you guys leaving me, about all the problems in my life, and finally…”
Kohane didn’t need her to continue. She knew her name.
"Nagi."
And Kohane couldn’t anticipate what An would say next —it was the first time hearing that.
"And then there’s something I don’t understand. Why are you all still hanging around me? Can’t you see how broken I am? Can’t you see that all of you would be better off without me, that you’d be better off without me, Kohane? Think about having someone who loves you, who doesn’t turn their problems on you, not hearing such bullshit —because I know it’s bullshit— every time you go out and see them. Isn’t it exhausting? Why don’t you leave me? Why can’t you find someone better than me? Why, Kohane, why??? I just want the best for you, but I—"
"Stop."
An was talking nonsense until Kohane interrupted her, and she immediately regretted what she said as soon as she looked at Kohane’s face.
Kohane was crying now. For the first time in her whole life, she seemed to have lost her composure and she seemed furious.
She had made Kohane cry.
Good job, An. This confirms what a terrible girlfriend you are.
"Don’t you dare continue, An. Don’t do it." Kohane interrupted her, clenching her fists.
"Kohane..." A part of her wanted to move on, to just listen to what Kohane was going to say, but it was too late now. "Don't say that you understand because you don't. You'll get tired of me too."
"I know that I can't fully know what's in your mind all the time, because that's not my story to say, but I'm trying to understand your feelings of abandonment, An, how you feel alone and inferior to others —to me. I know you’re constantly afraid that we’ll all leave you sooner or later, and I’ll always be here to comfort you, to tell you that, as useless as it is to tell you, I and the others won’t leave you. I know you’re still grieving Nagi, and you know I’ll always be here to give you a shoulder to cry on. But I can’t accept what you’ve said.
"You don’t know what’s best for me, An, and I won’t let you tell me I should reconsider my choices —that I should leave you because of your imperfections.
Nobody’s perfect, neither are you, and neither am I."
An blinked and watched her carefully, mouth left half opened. She's never spoken like this to her before.
An had been incredibly taken aback by the girl in front of her—it was the first time she had heard her truly angry, despite her little sobs.
"Because you can’t accept that despite your problems, you’re a fantastic person, An. We’re around you because we love you. You’re a nice person, talented, charismatic, pleasant to be around. You make everyone’s day better, you have a big heart, An, you help everyone —and I’ve never met a single person in the world who despises you."
An gripped her right sleeve with her left hand, hard.
"But still, how do you live with a broken person like me? Wouldn’t you be annoyed by having someone around who’s always smiling, someone who masks their pain because they consider it a weakness? I’m weak, Kohane. Even Nagi-san recognized that." She remembered that rainy day again, Nagi's voice cutting through the storm:
"Don't cry, An, you're strong."
Sometimes Kohane really wished she had met Nagi, it would be much easier to understand what An felt under her shell. Even if sometimes she felt like she knew her with all the things An told about her.
The sound of the glass made enough noise to make An jump slightly. Kohane, in fact, dropped the glass on the table behind her and chose to approach An carefully, who jumped again at the sudden movement. I've never seen her like this before.
"You are a broken person? Well, we all are —each with their own problems. The only thing that changes is how we deal with them.
"Everyone has a weakness, An. No one is flawless."
At this, An lowered her gaze, unable to bear it. It was all her fault.
Kohane stared at her, shaking but determined. An sometimes looked at her, but feeling ashamed, she avoided eye contact.
"And finally, the thing that bothered me the most. An, I love you, it was a choice to be with you, and it’s not a problem for me to help you with your problems. I like-" Kohane starting to stumble in her words. "I like to listen to whatever you have to say, and I wouldn’t be okay without you. You showed me the way that led me to be who I am, An."
At that An's knees almost gave out. It was the first in her whole life that she heard someone say those things to her.
"Without you, I simply wouldn’t exist, and- and you don’t know how grateful I am for having returned to Weekend Garage that day. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have met you, and- and I wouldn’t be who I am today. I was terrified of singing in front of anyone, remember? You gave me courage."
At that An felt a little embarrassed, her face was probably burning up and it wasn't still over. Kohane instead was going to breaking down to tears too, not because she felt sad, but because all this was too much for her too. But if An was going to break down, then Kohane would follow her, if all this could make An feel at ease, even for a little bit then she would say it, again and again.
"I have my problems too —and I had others too before meeting you remember? Like my insecurity, which slowly went away, all thanks to you, even if you don’t give yourself credit for it. You showed me the way and I love you for that—but-" And here she stumbled again now interrupted by a sob. "but not only that,"
Kohane paused for a moment to catch her breath. "I love the way you greet me every time you see me, I love every time you look at me even when we’re singing, I love your voice, I love your smile, I love your hair and the stars on it—and I haven’t even started yet, An."
Kohane stopped to brush her tears away for a moment before continuing, An instead, started to tremble, like she was going to cry again.
"I love how excited you get every time you talk about something you like, I love every time you teach me how to cook something new, I love when you talk to others, I can tell you care about everyone, I love the kind and generous person you are, and—"
"Okay, okay, that’s enough..." An managed to say now, trying to hide her face from her girlfriend. It’s not every day that Kohane spreads her love like this. She’s more of a person of small gestures rather than big words, and those few times Kohane said things like that, An couldn’t help but feel her knees buckling under her and her whole body warm, her eyes that were about to fill with tears again.
"But you see? I love you so much—and so much more—and I’ll show you, in time, but I’ll show you," Kohane, smiling softly now, finally touched An, holding her face with care and love, like only Kohane could do, like she was the only one in An's life that did it with so, so much love. "because you won’t run away from me so easily. If An is here, then I am here; if I am here, then you are here. But there’s no option that doesn’t involve one of the two."
An wanted to believe her, she really did, but what if she was lying? What if she's just saying this to keep me from falling apart?
Kohane seeing her indecision, insisted one last time: "I'm not leaving, An. Even if you push me away, I'll keep crawling back to you."
There was little left to say now. An was crying again, but this time, at least, it wasn’t from sadness —it was from something deeper, something that made her heart beat like when she heard Kohane sing. An loved her. She loved her to death. No, she would live for Kohane, because even though she knew it was a small thing, she knew deep in her heart Kohane would do the same for her.
And then Kohane hugged her even tighter than before, as they sobbed in each other’s arms. An tried to say something —anything— but Kohane interrupted her every time, saying there was no need, that it was okay.
An appreciated it.
"You're warm," Kohane kissed her forehead. "do you want to go on the couch and watch a random movie? I don’t think either of us is in the mood for sleep anyway."
After they calmed down, the two girls emptied almost a bottle of water because their throats were too dry from crying.
"Mm, good idea. Can you bring something to eat? There’s popcorn there. I’ll go set the TV."
It was now 4 a.m., and even though An’s problems wouldn’t be solved in one night, it wasn’t a problem. Kohane would be with her —always.
The two settled on the couch, Kohane was now holding An tightly, as if she might run away at any moment, after covering both of them with a blanked robbed by the taller girl's room, legs tangled together; they put on the first movie they found, and they relaxed completely on the couch.
"You cry so much you almost dehydrated me." Kohane teased her after such a long night, while scratching An's head.
"At least I'm cuter when I cry." An muttered hiding her face in her neck.
"By the way, I don’t know if you realized, but somewhere along the way, you stopped using the honorific, 'Hane.'"
Kohane stopped scratching An’s head for a moment, almost jumping.
"Oh my God. Sorry, An-chan, I didn’t even notice, I was just so caught up in the conversation that I forgot-"
"It’s not a problem, love. Call me whatever you want, it doesn’t matter." An left a small kiss on her collarbone, happy to be in her girlfriend’s arms.
The movie was a bit annoying and so the two girls found themselves making fun of it in the beginning.
After a while, An was already dozing out, trying to keep herself awake, heavy eye lids, mouth half opened. "Hey, don't drool on me," Kohane smiled softly at that, brushing her hair while An mumbled that she was still awake and tried to prove that by planting sleepy kisses on Kohane's collarbone.
Toward the end of the movie, Kohane focused her attention on An one final time, who was now sleeping peacefully on her chest. Maybe it would have been better if she had woken her up and they had gone to bed, but An was so peaceful while sleeping, and Kohane didn’t want to interrupt any of that.
She realized that An was snoring softly, her hair tickling her chin. She laughed under her breath.
A sight that was just for her.
"Sleep well, my little tomato." Kohane whispered in An's hair, planting one final kiss there.
An, half-sleeping mumbled a soft: "Love you..." and then she shifted and hugged her girlfriend tighter, like she was afraid she'd vanish.
"I'm not going anywhere."