Work Text:
[Click]
[RUSSIA]
Okay, okay? Okay. I honestly want to make more of these but considering I decided that I can only do once per month, I can't. I am definitely not going back against my own words. Well, I mean, I do every now and then, but considering the witness was a... uh, someone not important, I have no choice but to abide with what I just said. I know, might seem very odd of me, but aren't I always? You can't fault me for being contradictory, can you? Exactly. No, don't look at me that way, Luise. You know I'm right.
Talking about Luise, the last recording had me mention her position as a "First Paladin". Just as I finished recording, I immediately wanted to explain what it is and how odd that position of Paladin is—as well as another one, to be an Archon of the Holy Roman Empire. Yeah, now you're excited, aren't you Luise? You can go and be the answers to whatever questions I have. No, you will not have a role in explaining. Leave it to the expert.
Well, I—Russian Federation, Moscow—will go with the Archons first, just to keep Luise waiting. Don't even think about doing it. You know I'm watching you. Uh huh, yeah, sure, as if that'll ever happen. Whatever makes your head lighter. What? No... I definitely did not insult you about being brainless...
With that said, when it comes to those elite group of people dubbed as Archons by the citizens of the Holy Roman Empire, one thing you need to remember is that the emperor of Holy Rome is chosen through election. Yes, Luise, I know it became hereditary. There's a reason why Austria is the Holy Roman Empire's eldest daughter. Never mind the fact he was never quite caring about his own children.
Hah, the same thing can be said to you as well. Really, how is it that you don't even remember that she was sent to Bavaria as a kid to grow under him? You drive me insane. Hey, I know I'm insane already, but it certainly is more possible to be even more insane, you know? Insanity is a spectrum. Who said it? I did! And that claim only applies to me, myself, and I.
Back to Archons, it's basically just another name for the prince-electors of the empire. No matter they be ecclesiastical or secular, archbishoprics or dukes, all electors are considered Archons. Following the list of all electors which have been appointed and agreed upon, His Most Serene Augustus had fifteen Archons under his wing. What? Surprised I called your husband that? Don't be so whiny about it. You like it better when he was called His Majesty? You were literally dead by then. Well, your choice. Personally I find the former title to be more significant.
Anyway, the order of Archons is sorted through when they became one. It's by all means a hereditary title, but only if your successor becomes the next Representation of what you did when you were alive. Which is the case of Saxony, who was the First Archon of the Holy Roman Empire. All titles are styled like that, just change the ordinal number to fit each different electors. Saxony Elder was previously an enemy of Holy Rome, though found herself to be under his mercy as she was wed to Gero's March, and mothered her successor, Saxony Younger.
The heir is the current Personification of Saxony. Stop complaining, Luise, I have no power over who becomes who. Unless I kill them, of course. No, Luise, I will not kill them unless there is a specific political reason which enables me to. Stop it. Luise Schutzbar.
Good.
So, the next one is Palatinate, who is also secular like how both Saxony was. He is the few oldest companions of the Holy Roman Empire as far as I remember. So close he became a— hm, that's for later. Well then, the next one is an ecclesiastical one, Trier. Just a little footnote, all ecclesiastical electors are also under the jurisdiction of the Papal States at the time. That would be important later on.
After those two, we return to another secular elector who just so happens to be the majority of what Czechia is now; Bohemia. Followed up by Cologne and Mainz as the next ecclesiastical states, and then comes our dear favourite Brandenburg who is known to many to be the real mastermind between the success of Prussian militarism.
Oh, please, Luise, everyone knows Prussia learnt his militant skills from his own wife. Okay, I understand, he definitely came under your training as he was indeed a Knight of the Teutonic Order back when he was Catholic, but you taught him how to fight, and that was that. His wife, on the other hand, taught him how to strategise. I must admit, those two guides of his are the reasons why his name remains known 'till this day. Such a shame how Brandenburg's efforts were downplayed. I'm sure you know very well on how warlike that Archon is. On par with Baden, I say.
I got carried away. As usual? Yeah, of course as usual, Luise. There's a lot of details I'm skimming because the recording isn't supposed to be too long. And I haven't even gotten into the weird parts yet. Whatever. So, next is Bavaria, who was also one of Holy Rome's close people, especially considering he once became Co-Representation and was crowned emperor. Such a pity I couldn't see him contend against Luxembourg and Austria. What? I was a bit busy at the time.
And then here comes Hanover... ah, Hanover, Hanover. United Kingdom's wife who always forgets about the fact that she's married to him. Well, he doesn't remember either. Genuinely, they aren't ever getting an official divorce at this point, but everyone agreed that they've separated already. I mean, it's obvious you know. The House of Hanover isn't the ruling house of Britain anymore, it's another German house, a Saxon one which just changed it's name after the First World War.
Shut up, Luise, I know the royal family isn't Windsor anymore with The Queen's death. But it's still German, I say. Albeit quite diluted by literally everything. United Kingdom himself is still close with Saxony's son, Thuringia, after all. What do you mean "which one"? Ah, Saxe-Coburg and Gotha. That part of Thuringia. It's still Thuringia despite it all, you know.
Ignore whatever nonsense Luise is saying right now, the next one is finally our final ecclesiastical one. Well, only because it was in the Napoleonic Wars and there were a... lot of additions at the time. Regensburg was one of them. The rest are secular ones. Württemberg, and of course her neighbour—that little warlord—Baden, and her neighbour as well, Hesse.
What do you mean? Oh, you mean why Hesse looks a lot like Thuringia? Well, they're brothers, of course. Hesse's just the younger one. Oh, you mean the modern day Thuringia? Well, Hesse's his uncle. What? You didn't know Saxony married Thuringia? Well, now you do. The more you learn everyday, even after death, eh?
The last two Archons are Salzburg and Würzburg. The funniest thing about those two is about how they're literally considered secular Archons, yes, but prior to their secularisation, they were under the Sancta Sedes' jurisdiction. Yeah, they were bishoprics. One can only wonder whatever insanity was going on within Holy Rome when his own daughter went to war against him. Which one? Not your daughter. Your niece-step daughter, of course. Yeah, I mean France. Obviously.
Hm, I didn't expect talking about eighteen people would take so long. Whatever. The weird stuff goes last because I know that's what Luise wants to hear. Don't put the blame on me if you want to listen to it earlier, put it on Luise for existing as a ghost and deciding that she should just keep haunting me and I alone, ever since the Russian Empire died. Hey, I know you went to other places before, but after she died, you don't go anywhere else. Hush.
The next thing goes to the title of "Paladin of the Holy Roman Empire", bore by twelve people who act as His Most Serene Augustus' personal guards. They're actual the centre of what I want to talk about—nothing's too weird about the Archons but there definitely is something else with these Paladins. Luise included. Hah! Don't give me that look.
You know that I know and you should never ask how I know.
I'm sure you understand. Anyway, all secular electors are also Paladins... er, with the exception of the last two, because they aren't allowed to be one by Vatican City. And so, that's just around seven people. Where'd the other five go? Well, Luise is one of them, as well as Austria Elder and Luxembourg considering they used to be Co-Representations of the Holy Roman Empire of the German Nation themselves.
That's just ten, so where are the other two? Well, whether or not they're actually accepted to be Paladins are debated. They are Baden and Hesse. What makes them so disproven? Because they're supposed to replace Trier and Cologne respectively, who are ecclesiastical electors. That specific reason is why the secular electors don't necessarily accept those two to be one of them. But you know, because the emperor himself declared them to be a part of his Paladins, who's to disobey?
Their order is a bit similar, but with a few changes compared to how the Archons do it. Say, Luise, why are you the First Paladin of the Holy Roman Empire?
[TEUTONIC ORDER]
... why not?
[RUSSIA]
Great, you used that soul. And don't give me that answer, Luise. You know that's not why.
[TEUTONIC ORDER]
God give me patience... well, when my husband decided to establish such of his own little order of personal knights, he had to come to the Papal States for his blessing on its formation. His Holiness has spoken that he would only bestow such blessings if he made me as his first. And so he did, and that is why I am his First Paladin.
[RUSSIA]
That's easy enough to answer, isn't it? Yeah. No more soul privileges for you. Stop your whining, Luise, that won't get you anywhere.
So, next up is Palatinate. One might question why Palatinate is so high up in the ranks to become Second Paladin, but the reason why is quite simple. It's because he is the Captain of the Order of Peers. It was great honour to him when he received such greatness. Next up we have Austria and Luxembourg as the Third and Fourth Paladin. Those two are so high because they were, well, empress of her own right and emperor alongside His Most Serene Augustus.
What comes after is just like how it goes with the Archons. Saxony, followed up by Bohemia and Brandenburg, with Bavaria alongside Hanover tailing behind them closely, then came Württemberg with her typical extravagance, and it ends with Baden and Hesse as equals.
Archons and the Order of Peers are really seen as equals when it comes to who has the higher title. Mainly because of the amount of Archons within the latter. Though, when it came to Austria—and occasionally Bavaria and Luxembourg—she was most definitely more senior compared to the rest. And dearest Luise over here was... well, Luise, the Representation of the Teutonic Order, First Paladin of the Holy Roman Empire.
Due to their proximity with the emperor, they are very much not to be taken lightly by anyone. And also due to their proximity with the emperor, especially with the Paladins... do they often encounter supernatural oddities.
People would often report how weird shadowy figures keep on following them wherever they go. I don't think any one of them realise that that is a figment of Death they're seeing. Comes with the emperor's status as The Vessel of that time, I guess. But you know, with the typical Prosopon ignorance—the closer they are to power, the more ignorant and unseeing they are—of course the Paladins don't realise it.
Stop it with that look, Luise. Even if you're wearing a helm, I can still see what expression you're making. Don't even ask why your helm does that. How am I supposed to know? You should know better than I do. It's your helm after all. Oh, please, I know you didn't notice Death following you around. Stop complaining over how you can't see Death. Just because you died doesn't mean you can see it.
Why can I see Death? Hm, well, I did a little something something and Death didn't like that. That's the only reason why. What? You wanted an answer, I gave you one. If you want something more specific, ask more thoroughly. Yeah, I expected that, you don't know how. Typical.
Oh my God. If you're so adamant about proving that Death never followed you around, go ask Vatican City about it. He would most definitely testify that it followed you lot wherever you went. Don't be so confident. You don't even know how weird Vatican City is in his core. You do know he's an actual angel, right.
What do you mean you don't? Luise, I feel like you were always around whenever I talk with unmundane things. Are your ears just blocked? No, they definitely are. Oh, I should turn this— no! Genuinely, I can just say what type of angel he is, and you won't even notice I just did. He's a guardian angel. What? What do you mean "repeat it"? You know I don't like repeating things. No, I said it, and I won't say it again. It's your fault that you're still so thirsty over the blood of Baltic Pagans being spill—
[Click]