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Snowflakes fell on the busy streets of the Jeweled Crozier, the orange glow of street lamps and windows a spotlight to their movements. Himiko and Thancred’s footsteps tapped against the stone, their distance 5 ilms apart. It was the only noise that had been shared between the two, their time together spent in silence.
Himiko’s eyes wandered towards Thancred, staring at him as he walked. He was different now without the others around. He was tired and distant. Both understandable changes after the events that had led them here. Yet, even though the man she once knew was gone, she still felt relief in knowing he was safe. Comfort in having him next to her again. Her fingers curled nervously around the strings of the shopping bag she held in her hand, moving closer so that her and Thancred’s distance wasn’t so far. Her free hand brushed up against his, only feeling its warmth for a second before he moved away.
She dropped her gaze, watching as the stones moved below her at a slow pace. With a deep breath, words finally escaped her lips. “I’m… Glad you’re okay.” Her teeth bit down on her tongue, refraining from saying more as she awaited an answer, staring expectantly upwards. Yet, to her dismay, she only received a hum. She went back to looking at the ground, the comforting feeling of Thancred’s presence slowly starting to fade as fear started taking over. She sighed… Gods, how she hated to be the one to keep up a conversation. “I missed you quite a lot, you know? We all did…”
Another hum, this time, colder than the last. He was listening at least. Although Himiko couldn’t tell if her words were truly getting through.
“As you’ve heard, a lot happened while you were gone.”
This time, a nod was the only reply. Himiko could feel her heart beginning to sink. Her legs fighting the urge to simply run away. This was selfish, wasn’t it? To wish for time alone with a man in pain just like her, all for her own gain. To heal her own hurt. To quell her anxiety.
Haurchefant, Ysayle… They died before her very eyes. Estinien, now missing. The overwhelming weight of Dragon and Man’s plight. Everything new piled on top of the distant yet still fresh memory of the accursed bloody banquet—allies still yet to be found. It had become too much for her to bear. All of this time she had lacked the only one who she felt would have offered her comfort. All of this time she forced herself to hold in every single emotion to appear strong. Finally, finally, she thought she could let it all out and break. But, her selfish, childish fantasy was being held captive by silence.
How she hated it…
Her fingers gripped even tighter around the shopping bag’s strings, her frustration bubbling over.
“Just speak to me, gods dammit!” She shouted out, stopping in her tracks with Thancred following soon after. Her outburst had earned the attention of a few of the market’s patrons, whispers shared among them. However, they quickly returned to their shopping. With a hand over her heart she began to plead. “Please, just say something… Anything!”
“There’s nothing else for me to say.” Thancred muttered. “I’ve already offered my condolences and my aid. Was that not enough for the night?”
Himiko’s hand fell to her side. Her fingers tensed into a fist. “Do you really have nothing else to say, or do you just not want to talk to me?”
“Himiko, I truly have nothing—”
“Are you mad at me?” Himiko snapped, her eyes looking tearfully towards Thancred. “Do you blame me for everything? Were you only acknowledging me to save face in front of the others?” Her words were becoming more frantic, growing louder and louder with each thought.
The market’s patrons finally turned towards them, their attention fully on the situation at hand. Their whispers continued, a few drawing back as Thancred caught their gaze. He swiftly walked up to Himiko, attempting to grab her hand. But, he was caught off guard as she took a step back and tore it away. “Himiko…”
“Do you… Do you hate me?!” Himiko cried out, having grown unaware of her surroundings. She appeared as if she were on the verge of collapsing. “I’m… Sorry. I’m sorry for everything! I’m sorry that stupid banquet ever happened. I’m sorry it took so long to find you. I’m sorry it’s taking so long to find—”
Thancred felt his eye starting to twitch. He let out a groan. Once more he grabbed Himiko’s hand, this time tighter. He dragged her towards a nearby alleyway, feeling himself shrink at the attention of the crowd.
As they disappeared into the shadows, they were left alone. Gently, he pulled Himiko towards a wall as she stumbled forward, letting go and placing his hand above her head. “Quiet.” He said through gritted teeth, his tone demanding yet soft. He watched as Himiko drew back, the slight pang of anger within him subsiding as he saw the fear in her features. He placed a finger under her chin, lifting her head. “I’m not mad at you.”
Himiko had become frozen, the shopping bag falling from her grasp, the sound of metal muffled by paper ringing through the air. She could feel Thancred’s warm breath brushing against her skin. She could see the exhaustion in his features. The intensity in his one-eyed stare. She pressed closer towards the wall, her nails attempting to dig into the cold stone. “Then why… Why won’t you just talk to me?”
“Because I would prefer silence.” He replied, looking down and noting the confusion in Himiko’s eyes.
“Why?”
“It’s comforting.”
Himiko’s hands grew slack, her voice now small. “But doesn’t it hurt to bottle up your emotions like that?”
Thancred’s expression fell; that fear he’d seen had transformed into pain. Deep down, he knew the true reason why she had insisted they be alone. It wasn’t just for him. Yet, she seemed so… Concerned. He pulled away. “Sometimes, that’s all we can do.”
Himiko reached out, grabbing hold of his wrist. “But… We—I mean, you—shouldn’t have to. Not when there are people who will listen.”
“You shouldn’t have to trouble yourself with my burdens.” He tugged his hand away, proceeding to turn his back. “Especially when you have your own.”
“Even though I have mine doesn’t mean I can’t help you. So, please, just let me listen!”
“Why are you so concerned about me?” Thancred replied, looking back.
“Because I…” Himiko paused, her words failing her. “I hate standing by and watching a dear friend suffer.”
Thancred furrowed his brow. “Believe me, I don’t like seeing you suffer either. But Himiko, I’m not sure if I can help you. Much like how you can’t help me.”
“But…”
“If you’re about to say you’re not asking for my help then tell me. With everything you’ve experienced, who have you gone to? Why, out of everyone, did you ask me to be alone tonight?” He watched as she was about to speak, her hesitancy telling. He sighed. “The answer’s none. I can already tell.”
Himiko looked down, tears starting to well up within her eyes. She felt almost defeated. “Is it wrong?” Her words were punctuated by sobs. “Is it wrong to want comfort from the one person in this world you truly feel like you can go to? With you I feel I can be my most vulnerable. With you… Even if you don’t fully understand… I feel safe.”
“You shouldn’t.” Thancred replied.
“But I do!” Himiko cried. “Because I—”
“Don’t.” Thancred quickly interrupted, catching Himiko off guard.
“Don’t what?” She echoed.
“Don’t say that you rely on me.” He turned around again. “And don’t say that you love me.”
Himiko’s expression became blank, Thancred’s words running through her heart like a knife. Her lips began to quiver, her own words caught in the back of her throat. Pushing herself from her spot against the wall she knelt down, gingerly picking up the shopping bag. But, as she peered inside, she quickly realized its contents no longer seemed appealing. She stood up, turning on her heel. There was a disheartened, sinking feeling coursing through her as she slowly walked towards the alleyway’s exit, not once looking Thancred in the eye.
Her footsteps slowed as she reached the edge of the path, finally able to choke out one final reply before taking her leave.
“I’m sorry...”