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"Just sit and watch a movie with me. We don't have to talk."
"What's in it for me?"
"Um... you can ask me for one thing. But you have to do it before the end of the movie."
That was how Jax had found himself sitting in Pomni's room for the last 45 minutes. True to her word, as soon as the movie had started, there had been no conversation - outside of an idle comment about something happening on the screen, at least.
It was... kind of nice. They were both sitting on her bed, a clean two feet of space between them, and though they hadn't spoken, the silence didn't feel heavy or awkward. As much as he'd hate to admit it, he actually kind of liked spending time with her. That was why he'd spent the last 45 minutes thinking about what to ask from her rather than paying any attention to the old kid's movie they were supposed to be watching.
He'd considered coming on strong; straight up asking her if she wanted to have sex. There was no way that would be taken seriously, though. He wanted to ask something that could be taken seriously, but also be disguised as a joke if she reacted poorly. So he figured splitting the difference and going halfway might get him something. And maybe, depending on her reaction, a little more.
"Hey, Pomni." He began, plastering a practiced smirk across his face rather than let his nerves show. "I think I might've figured out what to ask you."
"Yeah?" She barely glanced at him, still apparently engrossed in the movie.
That wouldn't do at all.
Jax didn't respond straight away. Instead, he moved to get to his knees on the bed, moving closer.
All at once, Pomni's attention snapped to him. She leaned back, trying to maintain distance between them, until she was flat on her back and looking up at him uneasily.
"How about a kiss?" He was on his hands and knees over her now, looking down with a grin. Though his long limbs meant that they still weren't actually touching.
"A k- a- what? You want- what?" She blinked up at him, confused. Jax hadn't come onto her before. Not seriously at least. ...had he? Had she misread things? Were all those jokes-?
She'd taken too long to give him an answer. He began to straighten up, taking the weight from his hands as he moved to sit back on his feet, already drawing breath to speak. Probably to claim this had been some kind of joke, too.
Pomni didn't let him. She half sat up, reaching out to grab him by the straps of his overalls to pull him in for that kiss.
Why? She wasn't even really sure that she wanted to kiss him, but it was better than hearing him claim that this was another joke. That he had asked that because he thought her reaction would be funny. She was sick of him trying to be funny with her. His jokes at her expense weren't funny. This wasn't funny.
The weight of his upper body pressed her back down onto the bed. He was rigid at first, surprised by the unexpected move. Then he melted. No, that wasn't accurate. There was nothing soft about the way he kissed her back, like a man starved of oxygen and she was a breath of fresh air.
Holy shit. She was actually kissing him. He hadn't thought much of it before, it was just supposed to be a kiss. It didn't really mean anything. He'd severely underestimated the effect Pomni's touch would have on him.
It wasn't even sexual. Not really. He'd just missed simple bodily contact more than he could have ever realised.
One hand remained planted on the bed, the other arm sliding beneath her shoulders to hold her closer, bringing them chest to chest.
"Jax-"
"Don't." He cut her off, kissing her again.
She didn't push him away. She didn't even stop kissing back, though it was somewhat more hesitant than before.
Jax was the one to break it. He lay down on top of her, wrapping both arms around her and burrowing his face into the side of her neck. Pomni blinked up at the ceiling, removing her hands from between their bodies and gently resting one on his back.
"Um. Jax?"
"You said we didn't have to talk." His voice came out muffled against the side of her neck. It was a ticklish feeling. If the moment hadn't felt so emotionally charged, she might have giggled. This really wasn't the time for it, though.
It was just supposed to be a kiss. Maybe some meaningless sex, if it led to it. That was all. Yet, despite thinking that's what he wanted, it wasn't. The kiss was nice, but it wasn't what he needed. This, God, this was what he needed. The warmth of someone else against him. Physical contact after so long spent pushing everyone away. He could push her away later. Maybe gaslight her into thinking this never happened. Right now, though, he needed this.
Pomni fell silent. She had said they didn't need to talk. And this was... well, it wasn't exactly what she'd thought might happen, but she couldn't exactly say she was shocked, either. The whole point of asking Jax to watch the movie with her was just to spend time together. To offer presence without pressuring him. His habit of pushing people away was painfully obvious, but it had to be lonely. And being lonely, feeling like you weren't wanted... it was dangerous, wasn't it? Especially here in the circus.
Jax shifted to lay on his side, tugging her into his chest. She made a little noise as he moved her, but otherwise didn't complain. All she did was move slightly to get more comfortable, then resign herself to the new spot, leaning into his chest. He held her there with an arm around her back, his long body arched as if trying to curl around her, knees tucked and chin resting atop her head. His ears were drooped back and, infuriatingly, his eyes were starting to water. An ache clawed at his throat, which he tried to swallow back down.
Stupid. This was stupid. Pathetic, too. What was he getting so emotional for? Somehow, getting horny over the touch of a woman after so long would be less pathetic than whatever the hell this was. Yet he continued to cling to her as though afraid someone would come and pry them apart. It took Pomni letting out a little wheeze for him to realise that he was squeezing her. He loosened his grip slightly but wasn't about to let go yet.
Slowly, she extended an arm to drape it over his back. She pressed her hand between his shoulders, returning the hold. Clearly, whatever this was, was something to do with touch or affection. It wasn't her favourite thing in the world - she just wasn't a touchy kind of person - but this raw, vulnerable side of Jax was one she had never seen and sincerely doubted she'd ever get to see again after today. He was so obviously desperate for it despite all of his posturing that she could swallow her minor discomfort for the sake of letting him know that he wasn't alone.
Feeling her actually reach to hug him back was far more surprising than just going along with it and letting him hold her. His breath hitched. He tried to cover it by inhaling deliberately, but it betrayed him by shaking wetly. Not wanting her to see him this close to tears, Jax grabbed her by the back of the head and jammed her face back into his chest when she tried to look up.
She made an irritated grumbling noise as a result and thumped her fist against his shoulder. He let go, and she drew back a couple of inches, keeping her eyes down.
"It's okay." She said into the space between them.
He pretended not to hear.
What a wreck. He felt like he was fraying. Unravelling thread by thread, powerless to stop it. Pomni was stopping it. A woman he barely knew; one he'd been fighting to prevent getting to know him. She was holding him together, when no-one else could. When no-one else would.
They'd all be glad when he abstracted, wouldn't they? They wouldn't have to deal with his bullshit any more. None of them would help him. He hadn't helped them. Yet here she was. Pomni. Not only letting him hold her, but hugging him back. Like he meant something. Like she cared.
Jax buried his face in her hat. He wished he knew what she really looked like. He wished he remembered what he really looked like.
"Why are you doing this for me?" He asked quietly, lifting his face from her head to speak.
"I... don't want you to think that you're alone." She looked up at him again.
He didn't stop her this time, though he didn't look back at her either. "You guys don't care about me. I didn't want you to. I don't want you to."
"I care." Her voice was soft but left no room for argument. She lifted both arms, holding onto both sides of his face until he was forced to look at her. "I care. I know that you're pushing everyone away, but I won't let you do that with me. You have no idea how stubborn I can be." She smiled.
"But... Why? I've been an [!@%$]hole to you. To everyone."
"True, you have." She acknowledged, not about to lie to him about it. "But I've also seen glimpses of what's under that mask. I know there's more to you than that. You're a human, with real thoughts and emotions, just like the rest of us. And... I'd like to get to know the man behind this avatar."
For just a fleeting moment, a warm instant, Jax felt a flicker of hope. Then his rationale kicked in and squashed the tiny ember. He shook his head, pulling back from the hands that held his face. "Tch... just so you can tear yourself apart after I abstract? It's not worth it."
I'm not worth it.
"Jax... people die in the real world. The process of abstraction might be different, but... at the end of it, the result is the same: someone is gone, and the rest of us just have to live with that. Did you live every day before this, afraid to get close to anyone in case they died?"
He avoided looking at her. It was all the answer she needed.
"I can't make you talk. But you can talk to me. Even if I'm the only one who ever sees you as more than just a bully, you're not alone."
You're not alone. You're not alone. You're not alone.
His heartbeat picked up as he heard their voices echoing in his head. His breath hitched, air refusing to enter his body in a way that felt helpful.
You're not alone. You're not alone.
He couldn't breathe. Suddenly, he straightened his arms and shoved Pomni away, rushing to sit up. She got to her knees bedside him, mouth moving, but he couldn't hear her. The ringing in his ears was too loud, making her sound like she was speaking through water.
You're not alone.
"Well-" His voice came out high pitched and desperate between his frantic heaving breaths. "What if I want to be alone?!"
Her hands touched his shoulders, voice muffled through the ringing.
"Don't touch me!" He snapped, scrambling back away from her so fast that he fell off the bed, thumping back first onto the floor. Backing up further, he only stopped when his back hit the wall. He let out a noise that was halfway between a laugh and a sob, pupils like scribbles in his large yellow eyes.
Pomni watched him, one hand sort of half extended toward him as though she really wanted to reach out and help, but he'd already pushed her away and told her not to touch him. He was clearly having a panic attack, but what the hell was she supposed to do about it?
He clutched his head in his hands, drawing up his knees and squeezing his eyes shut, trying to block out the overlapping voices echoing in his skull.
You're not alone. You're not alone. You're not-
"The hell I'm not!" He shouted out loud, chest heaving. "You left me, you selfish [#@!$]!"
Climbing down from the bed, Pomni knelt down in front of him, reaching out to take his wrists in her hands. She didn't pull, just held until he moved them to look at her himself.
"Just- look at me. I'm right here. You can touch me. I'm real. I'm here." She tugged his hands closer to put them on her face. "See? You don't have to go through this by yourself. W-ah!" She yelped out in surprise as he pulled her in by the head, squeaking like a toy as he squeezed her too tightly again.
She was forced to kneel awkwardly between his thighs, but hugged him back as he clung to her, his fingers fisted in the back of her silly costume.
Gradually, his breathing began to even out again. The ringing in his ears faded and the sound of the movie filtered back in. He sagged as though someone had cut all the strings holding him up, his grip on her relaxing enough not to crush her, though he didn't let go.
"I'm tired, Pomni." He whispered. "I'm so tired. I can't do it any more. I thought it'd be easier if I pushed everyone away, but I can't... I can't take it any more."
"You don't have to take it. Not all by yourself. It's okay to lean on people. And it- it's okay to need space, but... not when you're hurting yourself for the sake of being alone." She pulled back and looked up at him again.
His ears were drooped and his expression could only be described as a bone-deep exhaustion. But he looked at her. Really looked at her.
He didn't want to abstract any more.
He'd been toying with the idea for a while now. Nobody would miss him if he did. All their lives would be easier and better without him.
Despite his best efforts at pushing her away too, Pomni had cared enough to see through his mask. It terrified him. Even now, it scared the crap out of him. But he'd been longing for it all along. Since he lost his best friend, he'd had nobody. He thought he didn't want anyone, needed no-one to lean on, that it would be better this way. It wasn't. He was so lonely, and he was tired of pretending he wasn't.
"You're stuck with me now." It was a weak attempt at a joke. His voice wavered and his half smile was crooked at best. "You've opened this can of worms."
Pomni smiled. It was small, soft, but genuine. Despite how objectively subtle it was, it still felt like the warmth of the sun after being stuck in this digital hell for so long. "I think I'll manage, somehow."
"Come on," he sighed, shifting his hold on her so that he could stand up and bring her with him, still holding her body against his. He staggered slightly under her added weight and in his own fatigue, but made it back to the bed. "I think I need to sleep for a week."
She hummed a short noise of acknowledgement. He was deflecting, but she'd let him have it for now. "You can have a few hours. But I do want my own room back eventually."
"Deal." He didn't even bother to open his eyes, stretching out on the bed and relaxing his hold on her so she could move to get comfortable.
"And we're talking about this later." She added, choosing to lay beside him, one arm draped across his middle and her head against his shoulder.
"Later." He echoed, curling an arm around her back and letting out a sigh. It sounded like the release of a lot of tension.
"Night, Jax." She murmured, not really expecting a response. She didn't get one. That was alright.
Sleep found his fatigued body quickly. Unlike normal, though, it didn't drag him under kicking and screaming. It guided him into unconsciousness gently, and its hand felt a lot like Pomni's.