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Bigb’s arms are wrapped around himself as he paces around the inside of the rejects’ base. He wishes their ‘entrance’ was a proper maze, where he could lose himself and forget about everything and everyone else. Let the walls consume him whole.
Why, why must he feel this way…?
He doesn’t think it’s his fault. He isn’t sure it happened at all, really.
One moment, Tango was following behind him, far more alive and energetic feeling than red names typically are.
The next, he cried out for only a second, and then he was gone. It happened fast enough that by the time Bigb turned around, there was nothing left but a small crater and a death message in chat.
His cry for help was barely a cry, or maybe it just hit Bigb’s ears too late. The event felt instantaneous to him, and Tango was gone before he could process there was even another creeper around. Gone before they reached his egg. Gone before Bigb got to say another word. Gone before he could say goodbye, before he ever thought he would have to say goodbye.
Tango was on red and his life was fragile, he knew that. That’s why the rejects were talking to him at all. Just to use him to kill. Kill, kill, kill.
That’s what Jimmy said he did. Kill. Bigb killed Tango.
But that’s not right. It wasn’t his name written in Tango’s death message. There wasn’t anybody’s name. This wasn’t a trap, no setup or evil plot awaiting outside the rejects’ base. There was just Tango, Bigb, and two creepers. Bigb was the only survivor.
So it wasn’t his fault, right? This was an accident. Jimmy was wrong, mistaken and misled. What reason did he have to kill Tango, anyways? They all planned to work with him, and who was Bigb to risk fighting with a red name?
And yet… Tango was dead. The two creepers were dead. Bigb was still here, the guilt of his ‘murder’ eating away at him. He was still standing, pacing around, inside the safety of the rejects’ base. He wasn’t blown to smithereens, and even if he had , he’d still be standing. Still alive, breathing, hell, probably still on green. But no, he just had to stand there and look at the aftermath. One crater. No Tango. No creepers.
One crater. No Tango. No creepers.
Just Bigb.
It was just him here, losing his unfortunately still intact mind. The rejects could come barge in here any moment, and maybe Jimmy would yell at him, maybe Joel would slap him on the back and tell him to chin up, but they would eventually leave again and go on with their day. Then, soon enough they’d be on red and die, just like Tango.
Well, it’s possible, through some twist of fate, that Bigb could die first. After all he’d just watched Tango vanish before his eyes and there’s no reason such an accident couldn’t happen to him.
All it took was one trap too well hidden.
Any other red name out for the rejects.
A mob sneaky enough to get to him.
Clumsiness.
The rejects turning on him. He did just ruin their plan, after all, and he has a feeling they don’t trust him, not to mention he’s been talking with Bdubs and Grian.
There’s just so many ways to die, and this life has been nothing but unpredictable.
And it’s not that Bigb didn’t know that. He’s experienced so many deaths and too many unfortunate things. Death and betrayal and pure bad luck is nothing foreign to him, though he never became numb to their sting.
But even so, he couldn’t help but fear whatever may take his next life. There was really no way to know. He didn’t know Tango would die. He didn’t know his secret soulmate would kill him. He didn’t know he’d be forced to murder Cleo. He didn’t know what task he would get. He didn’t know he’d be betrayed. He didn’t know a snail would be his demise.
Bigb didn’t know anything.
Was he even apart of the rejects? Was he important to them? He hadn’t felt very connected with them, but it wasn’t very often he felt connected to any sort of alliance.
Except for…
Suddenly, Bigb stops right in his tracks. He races outside as fast as he can, nearly tumbling down the hill the rejects’ base. He takes Jimmy’s “bridge” down to ground level and makes a run for it.
The Villies’ lighthouse was a bit taller than Bigb remembered. Outside its entrance was Gem, tending to the netherwarts growing outside. She perked up when she saw Bigb, stepping closer towards the entrancing and tensing up.
Bigb carefully steps around the square hole and waves to her. She doesn’t wave back.
“What do you want?” Her tone is quite annoyed.
“I’m here to talk with Pearl.”
“Mm. Always meeting with the enemy!” Gem lets him inside, anyways. “She’s up top. Grian’s napping, though. He just finished up the square hole.”
“Oh, that’s so bad, I was going to set it off,” Bigb says quickly. Gem slaps him for it just as fast.
“You better be bluffing! We’ll storm the rejects if you make us reset it again.”
Bigb simply shrugs and walks inside. Gem stays still, all tensed up now. “Psh…” she mumbles. “You better not try to take our Pearl away either.”
“Hey, hey!” Bigb turns and smiles at her as he walks upstairs. ”You wouldn’t let me inside if you didn’t trust me.”
“No. I wouldn’t let you inside if Pearl and Grian didn’t trust you.”
Ah, these Villies. Always so iffy about who they choose to be buddy buddy with.
…
Big’s smile falters a little when he makes it to the floor Pearl is on. She’s sitting on the floor, leaned up against a bed where Grian is sleeping. She grins when she sees Bigb.
“Hey! What’re you doing here?”
“Money. You owe me.”
Pearl laughs a bit. “Money…?” Bigb lets her figure out what that could mean while he settles down beside her on the ground.
“It’s okay, though. I’ve decided to forgive your debt to the rejects.”
“Oh, so now I owe your entire little group?” Pearl gently shoves him over. “What’s the real reason you wanted to see me? Do you have intel for us?”
“…Uhm, something like that.” Bigb turns away from her.
“Ooo!” Pearl leans in, a lot closer than he’d like. He flinches away, his shoulders tensing up.
“Hm? Are you alright?” Pearl’s voice softened and she leaned back.
“Just fine.”
He says it firmly, trying to sound as serious as possible. Pearl doesn’t say anything for a lot longer than Bigb was hoping. The silence starts to get filled in by the sounds around them.
Grian’s soft snoring behind them.
The gentle whoosh of wind outside the lighthouse.
Pearl’s breathing.
His own heartbeat. Was it getting louder?
“Okay! Not fine!” Bigb admits, bringing his knees up to his chest and hugging them. “I’m not fine. I came here to see you. You…”
Pearl has him wrapped up in a hug before he can finish.
“You..” He sniffles a bit, starting to stammer with his words. “It’s just…” Bigb hated crying, especially in front of others, but he couldn’t stop it now. He leans into Pearl and uses her shoulder to muffle his cries.
“Let’s go outside, okay? I don’t want to wake Grian up.” Pearl helps him up and guides him back downstairs. He hears her say something to Gem quickly before leading him outside and around the back of the lighthouse.
When Pearl stands again, Bigb hugs her tightly and hides his face in her chest.
“Oh, B…” Pearl rubs circles into his back, returning his hug. He doesn’t miss the way that for a moment, she feels across his arm. “What’s happened?”
“Tango!” he exclaims
“Ah… do you miss him?”
There’s silence for a few, long moments.
“Pearl…”
“Yes, Bigb?”
He squeezes her, starting to tremble.
He wants to explain what’s wrong, so that Pearl can help him, but he can’t find the words. Only sobs and shaking can voice his emotions. It’s pathetic, Bigb thinks, suddenly breaking down for seemingly no reason. But even so, he can’t make himself let go of Pearl.
“I’m sorry.”
Pearl reassures him, quietly. “It’s fine.”
“I-I’m sorry,” Bigb repeats. “I can’t- It’s just-”
Pearl reassures him again. She’s being kind to him, despite everything that’s happened on this server. Despite the tension between the rejects and the Villies. Bigb shuts his eyes and for a moment, he thinks his heart sounds like ticking.
But it’s too much.
He can’t hold on forever, even to his lifeline.
Tears still pricking his eyes, he sniffles and shoves Pearl away from him. He puts his head down and starts wiping his face of the evidence.
A small laugh escapes him. He’s not sure where from. It confuses Pearl just as much as it confuses him.
“Sorry, I’m sorry, Pearl.”
He tries to swallow the lump in his throat.
He tries to make sense of his situation.
He wanted Pearl’s comfort. But it felt wrong. Why was that?
Why couldn’t he accept it and let Pearl hold him the way he wanted to be held? Now, of all times, when he feels like he’s being crushed?
“I… I don’t know why I’m like this. I’m sorry.” Bigb shakes his head, laughing again. “I don’t want to be this way.” He looks up for just a moment and sees Pearl frowning. It only makes it worse. “I’m sorry!!” he sniffles and quickly wipes away all his tears with his arm warmers, standing up straight.
He has to stop this.
…
He laughs awkwardly. “I’m-”
“Bigb!” Pearl makes him flinch. She inches a bit closer and gently grabs his hands.
“...”
“Listen to me! It’s… It’s okay. I understand , B. I do,” she says, nodding a bit. He isn’t sure if he believes it, but then again, he brought himself here of all places.
“It’s not okay-”
“ You’re not okay.”
“I’m not.” Bigb forces a smile. “Pearl, I don’t think the rejects care about me.”
“I care. I care, Bigb. I promise.” Pearl squeezes his hand. “You know what these games do to us.”
“I don’t like what it’s done to me. I feel…” He looks down. There’s so many words he could say. Terrible. Worthless. Afraid. Hateful. Broken. Dead. Cruel. Meaningless. Things he’s not meant to be, but were woven into his heart regardless. It sickened him more every time he thought about it… “I feel bad.”
Pearl tilts her head. “That much is clear.”
“Do you think Ren cared about me? Or Tango? Or Lizzie? Or Jimmy?” he asks.
“I-I can’t answer that, B. You know that.” Pearl frowns. “But I know that I care.”
“Even if I betray the Villies?”
Pearl sighs. “I know you have your reasons, Bigb. I know the situation we’re in. I know the kind of person you are.”
She pauses, lost in thought. Before she can continue, Bigb has a revelation.
He doesn’t want to do this. He doesn’t want to kill anyone. He doesn’t want to betray the Villies or the rejects. He doesn’t want to kill on red or as the boogeyman. He doesn’t want to be on guard around Scar. He doesn’t want to keep lying. He wants out. He needs out.
“Pearl!” he starts, twisting his hands until she lets go of them, only to plant them on her shoulders. He is certain of what he wants to say. He wants Pearl to kill him. Take him out of this life. She can’t do that, though. She’s a green name, it wouldn’t work. Still, he stares into her eyes, and she stares back, waiting for him to speak.
Is that it? Does he want to die? Or leave this place?
…The thought that he might want to die, at all, slightly scares him. But he couldn’t deny there might be a little truth to it. To be done with this all, to not give life a chance to hurt him. Sometimes it feels like it might be worth it to throw himself off the tallest base.
Maybe he deserved it. For killing Tango and Cleo, for cheating on Ren, for never being able to commit to someone, for hiding away when it was too much, for never being truthful to anyone, even himself, for being a traitor, for coming and bothering Pearl in the first place-
“Bigb!” Pearl’s voice once again shakes him. “You’re shaking.”
“A-ah... I was just… thinking about something,” he says slowly. Pearl scrunches up her face.
“I don’t want you to dance around the topic, B.”
“Whaat?”
“You won’t tell me what’s wrong.”
“I don’t know what’s wrong… I just feel bad. Nothing’s been right since Tango died.” He supposes his little spiral today did start because of that. “I… didn’t want to kill him.”
“What? You didn’t kill him!”
“I… kinda did, Pearl,” he sighs.
“It was an accident, don’t blame yourself for that!” she insists.
“He just died… so fast… I didn’t get to say goodbye.”
“Hmph. We rarely do,” Pearl says bluntly.
“I don’t want to be a murderer-“
“You’re not.”
“-and sometimes I think… maybe it should be me.”
Pearl shakes her head. “Bigb, what? What are you saying?”
He shrugs. “What does it matter if I’m out? I don’t like doing this. I don’t want to be bad.”
“B, you’re not bad…!” she raises her voice. “You’re- you’re just like the rest of us! We do what we have to do. Only…” She turns to look at the lighthouse. “Only one of us can win. It’s inevitable. B-but even so, you can’t just… it’s not worth it, Bigb. You’re only going to hurt yourself more.”
Hm. Is that so?
“And that’s not- nobody wants that.”
“They want to kill me themselves? Or let the world take me?” He crosses his arms.
“No, no- Well…”
“PEARL!!” Grian calling to her from the lighthouse grabs both of their attention. “How long have you been out there with him?? Get back! Team meeting in 5!!”
Pearl sighs, slumping over. “I guess I have to go. I’ll- huh?” Her confusion was in response to Bigb, naturally, who was suddenly back to his usual smile and demeanor. “What.”
“I’ll see you when you get back, Pearl,” he says, with possibly the most forced happy tone he’s ever put on. “Say hi to Grian for me.”
“...Right. I’m sure he’s happy to see you.”
“Of course he is!”
Pearl hesitates, then walks off, looking behind herself at Bigb as she walks into the lighthouse from the back entrance. He gives her a little wave, but the moment she shuts the door, his smile falters.
He wasn’t done. Neither was Pearl, clearly, but that’s just how these things go, right…?
Right.
What could they be talking about in the lighthouse, anyways? All of them were green. They had no reason to kill… but plenty of reason to be afraid, he supposed.
Him too. He was still green as well. He was afraid.
The fear never left, no matter if he lived, or if he died… if he was allied with one person, a group, or no one at all. If Pearl had got to stay and finish, or if he’s left alone in the grass. If he was red, yellow, green, or dead.
The fear. The guilt. The unexpected.
Bigb would never escape it.