Work Text:
Someone opens the door, and Phoenix freezes. He can’t even think to wipe his eyes or sit normally before they look at him and tilt their head.
“Are you okay?” It’s a guy’s voice, probably.
“Uh…” Phoenix’s voice comes out weak and crackly. He swallows hard. “Me?”
“Yeah,” the guy says softly. He shuts the door, walks over, and kneels down next to Phoenix. He’s cute—wavy blonde hair, high cheekbones, a smattering of acne, worn green Cal Poly hoodie. Comp sci cute, or maybe engineering.
“I’m fine.” Phoenix does the best wry smile he can. “Just crying over my ex like every other dumbass freshman.”
“Rough breakup, huh?”
For some reason, probably that he’s an idiot, Phoenix shakes his head. “He died.”
“Oh.”
After a moment of uncomfortable silence, Phoenix takes a Kleenex out of his pocket and blows his nose, then shoves it in his other pocket. “What’s your name?”
“Oh. Uh, Leon. I’m a sophomore. But, uh, at Cal Poly. Not here.”
“Yeah, I can see that.” Phoenix points at his hoodie.
The guy—Leon—shifts awkwardly. “Right. Uh, anyways, what about you?”
“Phoenix.”
“Phoenix,” Leon repeats. “I’ve never met a Phoenix.”
“Well, now you have. In the boiler room at some fuckass frat party. You’re welcome.”
Leon laughs. “Hey, there’s no time like the present.”
“Yeah…how’d you end up here, anyways? Cal Poly’s not exactly close, is it?”
“Oh, I’m, uh…I’m just home for the weekend. I’m leaving soon to study abroad.”
“Where are you going?”
“Uh, Romania.”
“Oh, that’s cool.” Phoenix nods. “I don’t know anything about Romania.”
“Well, neither do I!” Leon smiles halfheartedly.
Phoenix raises his eyebrows. “You nervous?”
“Uh…yeah.” Leon fidgets with the end of his sleeve. “That’s why my friend invited me here. He thought it’d calm my nerves. Instead of, uh, making them worse.”
“Your friend?”
“Yeah, he’s a pledge. I guess he forgot I’m, uh, not really a party guy.”
“And you did too?”
Leon chuckles. “I…I don’t know. I thought maybe it’d help to just do something, instead of sitting at home being miserable. But now I’m just miserable here instead.”
“…Yeah.”
“You too?”
Phoenix looks away, shakes his head. “Don’t. I’m gonna start crying again.”
Leon shrugs. “Okay. But, uh, for whatever it’s worth, I, uh, I don’t mind.”
“You sure?”
“Yeah.”
Leon’s cute. Sweet. Has his own problems, doesn’t need to deal with someone else’s stupid blubbering. If Phoenix were smart, he’d cut his losses and shut the fuck up. But he’s not smart. He’s lonely and exhausted and at least a little tipsy, and when someone looks at him like that, like there’s a chance in hell they might actually care, he folds every time. His eyes are already burning.
“I don’t want to be here,” he says, voice creaking and shaking. “I don’t care anymore. I hate it here. But I—I don’t want to go home.”
Leon puts his hand on Phoenix’s shoulder. “’Cause of your family, or…?”
“They don’t want me there either!” Sobs. Tears. Fuck it, right? “Everything I had there is gone, and—but I don’t—I can’t—I don’t want to be anywhere. Nothing’s good anymore, and I keep fucking trying anyways, and there’s nowhere I can go ’cause it’s my fault! I just wish I was nine again, you know?”
“I don’t know, I kinda liked being seven.”
“No, I—I had a friend! And he moved away, and I didn’t learn my fucking lesson, I still fall in love and ruin everything over and over, and he—I mean, Toby—fuck.” Phoenix clamps a hand over his mouth before he can say anything else, because Leon’s cute and sweet and doesn’t need to be thinking about that right now. He doesn’t need any of this, doesn’t understand what he’s getting himself into. It’s a good thing he’s going to Romania.
“Do—do you need a hug?”
A hug. If Phoenix were ever going to find the willpower to say no, to lie and let someone live their own life instead of putting up with him, now would be the time. But he can’t. Of course he can’t. He curls up in Leon’s arms and cries like the baby he is. Like he’s nine again. He’s only ever seen Crystal Clearing in the books and his own artwork, but somehow he still misses it. He misses Ellie and Aiden, even more than if they were real. He hopes they’re adults now, happy, in love, hopes they come back to the clearing every now and then. If he weren’t busy crying into a cute guy’s hoodie, he’d take out his sketchbook and draw it. “I’m sorry,” he chokes out.
“You’re fine. This beats the party.”
Phoenix moves back, looks up at Leon. “You could leave.”
Leon shakes his head. “I don’t really wanna be alone.”
Phoenix takes a deep breath, trying to compose himself. “Well, then you talk. About anything.”
“Uh…you know, I always thought I wanted to do CSE stuff. Uh, computer science and engineering. I mean, I like it. It’s interesting. But…I don’t know. Do I really wanna spend my whole life being some shut-in programmer? There’s just so much out there.”
“Like in Romania?”
“Ugh…I don’t know. I’m pretty sure that was a stupid idea. I shouldn’t run away to another country just ’cause I might wanna change majors. But my mom says it’s good for you to go somewhere else like that, so I thought maybe I’d figure out what I really want.” Leon laughs dryly. “In a country where I don’t speak the language and don’t know anyone or anything…but it doesn’t matter, I guess. I can’t back out now.”
“You don’t know anyone here, either.”
“I do now. And at least you speak English.”
Phoenix shakes his head. “Learning the language’ll be the easy part.”
“You think?”
“Yeah. With everyone around you speaking it, you’ll pick it up fast.”
“Maybe.” Leon looks away. “But I can’t always count on meeting someone cool in a random boiler room.”
“What exactly is cool about hiding at a frat party and crying about my dead ex-boyfriend?”
“I don’t know. I, uh, I guess I just meant you’re…nice. Uh, to be around. Or…or something. I don’t know.”
Now Phoenix is blushing. Great. “Well, if—if you wanna go party, I can come with for moral support.”
“No, that’s, uh, that’s okay.” Leon chuckles.
“You sure? You don’t wanna get drunk on shitty beer and make out with some random girl?”
“Uh, no, I’m not into that.”
Phoenix tilts his head slightly. “Into what? Girls?”
“H—huh?” Leon’s face is turning pink all of a sudden. “I mean, uh…I, uh…well…yeah.”
“Yeah, if you’re looking for other guys, a frat party isn’t really your best bet.”
“Oh, no, no, I’m not—I mean, I don’t—I’ve never kissed a guy, or—or anything…”
Phoenix half-smiles. “Do you wanna?”
Leon looks terrified, and Phoenix’s stomach seems to fill with cold water—what was he thinking? But when Leon speaks, his eyes look almost hopeful. “I—I thought—I mean, are you really…”
“Over my ex?”
Leon nods weakly.
“Well, I’m not gonna be dating anyone anytime soon. But I’m just talking about tonight.”
Leon hesitates, opens and closes his mouth, then nods again, so Phoenix leans in.
It’s nice. He thinks he might cry again, or maybe throw up, and his chest feels like the inside of a pressure cooker, but it’s so nice. Leon’s nervous, hesitant. Phoenix can work with that. Soft lips that taste of chapstick…after a few sweet moments, he pulls back, cups Leon’s face, looks him in the eye. “You doing okay?”
“Y—yeah. Good.” Leon’s face is red, and his eyes are wide with a myriad of emotions. “I—you know, I’ve never told anyone…”
“You don’t have to,” Phoenix says softly, as if he really has any clue. “Not ’til you want them to know. It’s okay.”
“Okay.”
When they lean back in, they don’t break apart for a while. Why would Phoenix want to? He hasn’t felt this much like a person since Toby died—no, not since Toby. Since Emily at least, or Sienna, or maybe even Miles. But it’s just for tonight. He won’t have his heart torn from his sleeve as the floor crumbles beneath his feet. He’ll say goodbye and safe travels. And until then, soft lips and gentle hands and a warm feeling all through his body. Maybe it’s just the alcohol, or Leon’s body heat, or maybe it’s something like love. Leon’s not a great kisser, clearly inexperienced, but that only seems to pull Phoenix in even more. It feels real. Tangible, like he might be able to handle it. Like he doesn’t need to be afraid of desecrating its purity with one touch of his clumsy, paint-stained hands.
They pull apart when they hear voices outside. One high, anxious, slurred, and one deep and unmistakably fratty. Phoenix can’t quite make out the words they’re saying, but he doesn’t like the sound of it. He and Leon exchange one glance before getting up and walking out into the hallway.
The guy whips his head around, startled. He’s got his arm around the girl’s waist, and he tightens his grip as he sizes Phoenix and Leon up.
“Are you okay?” Phoenix says to the girl.
“Idonfeelgood,” she mumbles.
“I’m sorry. What’s your name?”
“Chelsea.”
“Hey, Chelsea. I’m Phoenix. And this is Leon.”
“Back off, pussy,” the guy says. “She’s mine.”
Phoenix keeps his eyes on Chelsea. “Do you live in the dorms?”
“Jameson,” she all but whispers.
“Me too,” he lies, although it’s close enough to the truth—Pullman is just across the way. “Do you want a hand getting home?”
Chelsea nods weakly, and the guy scowls. “I said, back off! She’s staying with me!”
Instead of punching the guy like he wants to, Phoenix just shakes his head. “She said she wants to go back to Jameson. So she’s going back to Jameson. If you want to help, you can see if she brought a bag with her.”
“No,” Chelsea mumbles. “Jusmywallet.”
The guy rolls his eyes and practically shoves her into Leon, who awkwardly passes her to Phoenix. The two of them guide her down the hall, through the party, and outside, then pause and look at each other.
“You—you want to help walk her back?” Phoenix asks, a little hopefully.
Leon bites his lip and nods. “Sure.”
So they all make their way back to Jameson, pausing only for Chelsea to vomit in some nearby bushes. Once they’ve gotten her safely to her room and Phoenix has left her a note explaining what happened, they go back outside and wait in awkward silence for too long, neither wanting to move forward.
“It…it was nice meeting you,” Phoenix says finally.
“Yeah.” Leon gives a small, sad smile.
“I hope you have a good time in Romania.”
“Uh, thanks. I’ll do my best.”
“Well…goodbye, I guess. And thank you.”
Leon shrugs. “Thank you. And, uh…bye.”
“Bye. Safe travels.”
“Yeah.”
Phoenix turns and leaves after that, waiting as long as he can before breaking into a run. Miraculously, he makes it back to his dorm and onto his bed before he collapses in tears. He knew it was going to hurt, but that does nothing now to dull the pain. He’s alone again. He always will be. There’s nothing, no one to stop him as he cries himself to sleep.
He awakens to a knock on his door. The sun shines in through the pathetic excuse for blinds as he stumbles to the door. The face on the other side is familiar, but takes a moment to place. “It’s…Chelsea, right?”
She nods. “And…you’re Phoenix, aren’t you? The one who brought me back to the dorm last night?”
He frowns. “You remember that?”
“No, not at all,” she says with a laugh. “You left a note.”
“Right.”
“Anyways, I…I wanted to say thanks. I…don’t really wanna think about what would’ve happened if you hadn’t been there.”
Phoenix shrugs. “It’s just common decency.”
“No, it was really sweet! So, um…if you want, I thought maybe we could get coffee or something. I know it’s kinda late for that, but I just woke up, so…”
“W—well…” Phoenix bounces on his toes, eyes darting around the room. “If you mean like a date, I don’t—I’m not really looking for a girlfriend right now. Still—still getting over my ex.”
“No, yeah, that’s fine. I totally get it. It could just be a friend thing.”
“Then…sure.” Phoenix scratches his neck. “Um…I should change, though. And—and brush my teeth and stuff. You—I—I kinda just woke up when you knocked.”
Chelsea giggles. “Yeah, that’s so fair. Wanna meet in the quad in half an hour?”
“Sure.” Phoenix finds himself half-grinning, despite everything. Coffee. Friends. Chelsea’s voice is a little annoying, and she might be the straightest-looking girl he’s ever met, but petty bullshit aside, it doesn’t sound half bad. “See you there.”