Chapter Text
It was a quiet Tuesday for the infamous Armed Detective Agency. The warm mid-morning sun streaming through tall windows, lighting up tiny dust motes that drifted lazily through the beams.
The faint scent of coffee lingered in the air, mingling with the inky smell of case files as they piled up into precarious towers that, at times, seemed even scarier than the ones Dazai used to frequent. It was, in every sense of the word, an ordinary day. Certainly a rare and much-longed-for respite from their typical days of impending disaster. At last, they could just focus on the simpler parts of life in Yokohama.
At his desk, Kunikida was in his element— furiously scribbling away in that ever-present notebook of his, the scratch of his pen only punctuated by the occasional exasperated sigh whenever Dazai’s crackling laughter would drift across the room.
Dazai himself hadn’t moved in hours. Seemingly content to continue lounging shamelessly across the agency’s only proper couch. One arm flung dramatically over his eyes as he replaced the world with a beat up old pair of headphones, intermittently mumbling about the agonizing futility of paperwork, while crooning half-hearted lyrics of that dreadful song…
Atsushi sat at his desk with his usual dogged determination, surrounded by hazardously stacked folders. He was trying very hard not to get distracted, though his ears couldn’t help but twitch every time Yosano’s teacup would clink gently against its saucer at the farthest end of the room.
Yosano, for her part, was taking a well-deserved break— calm, and content to watch the room with a faint smile, as though daring anyone to bother her.
Typing echoed softly from the corner where Naomi hummed under her breath, occasionally leaning over to hand Tanizaki a file attached with a teasing remark that made the poor boy just want to be swallowed up by the floor.
Phones rang periodically. The shuffle of papers, tapping of keys, and the creak of old office floorboards filled the background. It was peaceful in that particular way the ADA could sometimes be— comforting, alive with the sense that this was a family as much as it was a workplace.
And then—
Ranpo, perched in his chair with the last remnants of a lollipop pinched between his teeth, suddenly froze. His eyes narrowed, as he clenched his jaw. The sharp crunch of hard candy, seemingly loud enough to be heard across the room caught the Doctor’s attention, causing Yosano’s eyes to drift over to watch as Ranpo’s hand patted around in the seemingly empty drawer where his not-so-secret secret stash was usually kept.
Empty.
The quiet rhythm of office life was about to come to an abrupt halt.
⸻~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~———
Jumping onto his desk with feet planted wide, Ranpo stood in the middle of the office, arms crossed, eyes open beneath the brim of his hat.
“Listen up, everyone,” he announced, his voice deadly serious. “The snacks—MY SNACKS!—are gone.”
A collective pause.
Atsushi, halfway through filing away a new document, stopped. Yosano sighed and reluctantly put down her tea. While Kunikida merely pinched the bridge of his nose as though preemptively bracing himself.
“Uh,” Atsushi offered weakly, “couldn’t you just… buy more?”
“BUY MORE?!” Ranpo whirled on him, cape flaring dramatically. “You don’t replace a stash, Atsushi! You build it, over weeks! Cultivating the perfect balance of sweet-to-savory ratio! This is a CRIME!”
Ranpo presented a lollipop wrapper he’d pulled from nowhere, holding it aloft like a bloody knife at a murder scene. “And I— The World’s Greatest Master Detective —will solve it.”
⸻/———
Interrogation #1: Kunikida
Ranpo stalked over to the blonde’s desk with all the gumption of a parent demanding their child receive a better grade. He points an accusatory finger at Kunikida’s notebook.
“Suspicious, ay? You’re always writing in that thing… Who’s to say you didn’t make a note of my hiding place?”
Kunikida glared. “Why would I steal your candy?”
“To reinforce your ideals of moderation! To stop me from enjoying life!”
“…”
“…”
“You’re insane.”
Ranpo just narrowed his eyes, scribbling something in a tiny notebook of his own (which was just doodles of Karl, but shhhh, that's not relevant), and withdrew to his next target.
———//———
Interrogation #2: The siblings
Ranpo confronted the Tanizaki siblings next, lollipop bobbing up and down as he spoke.
“Alright, you two. Hand over the candy.”
Tanizaki stiffened, already sweating bullets. “W-we didn’t take anything—”
Naomi cut him off immediately, throwing herself against his arm with a dreamy sigh.
“Ranpo-san, why would my dear brother ever need candy??” She batted her lashes sweetly.
“He’s the only sweetness I’ll ever need. I assure you it goes both ways~”
Tanizaki’s face turned scarlet. “Naomi, please—”
But Naomi wasn’t done.
“Besides, if my darling Junichirō had stolen your snacks, wouldn’t he have shared them with me? And since he hasn’t… well, that only proves his innocence, right?”
Ranpo’s expression went from accusatory to vaguely horrified in about the span of two seconds. He glanced between them, then at the rest of the office for some kind of support.
He found none.
Kunikida had his notebook raised like a shield. Atsushi looked like he wanted to crawl out the window. And Yosano was sipping her tea with a small, delighted smirk on her face.
Tanizaki groaned into his hands. “Can we not—”
Ranpo took one decisive step back. “You know what? Forget it. She’s right! You’re off the list. Definitely. Totally. Off the list.”
He pivoted on his heel and power-walked away without another word, muttering under his breath: “Too weird. Not worth it. Never again.”
Naomi called after him cheerfully, still glued to her brother’s side:
“Thanks, Ranpo-san! You’re the best!”
Tanizaki made a strangled noise that could only be described as the sound of a man’s soul leaving his body.
⸻///———
Interrogation #3: Yosano
Ranpo leaned over Yosano’s shoulder with a slow blink and—frankly—unsettling green stare.
“Doctor. I see chocolate wrappers peeking out of your trash bin…”
Yosano didn’t even look up. “Those are my snacks, hun. Which I bought. With my own money.”
Ranpo gasped. “That’s exactly the kind of excuse a culprit would spin!”
Yosano lazily reached for her scalpel.
Ranpo wisely, and quite hurriedly retreated.
⸻—////————
Interrogation #4: Kenji
Kenji was out planting vegetables in the cafe garden, happy as a clam, and utterly oblivious to the goings on upstairs:)
Ranpo didn’t even look.
The mere possibility didn’t even enter his mind.
——-—/////———-
Interrogation #5: Dazai
Ranpo planted himself in front of the couch where Dazai lay sprawled out, unapologetically, with arms stretched back to cushion the mess of dark curls blanketing the armrest.
His cape flared as he pointed an accusing finger.
“Dazai. You’re the prime suspect. Confess, and your punishment could be lessened.”
“Oh?” Dazai’s eyes opened as he tilted his head, feigning innocent delight. “Ranpo-san, if you want me to declare my undying love, you’ll have to buy me dinner first.”
“Don’t play coy!” Ranpo insisted, cheeks puffing up like balloons as he furiously blew a stray lock from his face. “You’re lazy, always scheming, and have no moral compass whatsoever. Classic candy thief profile.”
Dazai’s eyes went round like he might just cry. Gasping dramatically, he shakily pressed a hand to his chest.
“No moral compass? Ranpo-san, you wound me—I’m wounded! I only steal hearts, not snacks.” He pronounced with a wink, before finishing off with a dramatic sigh.
“Besides, everyone knows they would be wasted on me. My sweet tooth died years ago… along with my will to live~”
Ranpo ignored the theatrics, crouching down to eye-level.
His voice dropped serious, jabbing a finger toward the trash bin hidden behind the couch with his best dead-pan.
“There’s an empty soda can in there, Dazai. You never buy soda. Which means—” his voice rose in triumph, “you needed the sugar rush to wash down my missing sweets!”
The office collectively blinked.
Dazai tilted his head, eyes sparkling with anticipated mischief.
“An empty soda can is my damning evidence?”
“Yes!” Ranpo announced proudly. “It is the very picture of guilt! Like crumbs at a crime scene!”
“Or,” Dazai countered, his grin widening, “it could be that I stole Kunikida’s soda while he wasn’t looking. Much less of a crime in my book.”
Kunikida slammed his notebook shut with a snap. “You WHAT?!“
Dazai looked delighted. “See, Ranpo-kun? False deduction. You must be slipping…”
Ranpo bristled, cape flapping like a flag in the wind at the mere insinuation.
“Impossible! I never slip. Ultra-Deduction is flawless!”
“Except when it isn’t~” Dazai teased, wiggling his fingers in Ranpo’s face for emphasis. “For all you know, the candy was stolen by a phantom thief in the night, or perhaps spirited away by a tiny demon lover of mine—”
“Stop turning this into one of your weird death fantasies!” Ranpo clapped back.
“Then maybe,” Dazai leaned forward with mock solemnity, “just maybe, the sweets were stolen… by you. A crime of passion! Sugar lust overtaking even the great Ranpo Edogawa.”
Ranpo sputtered, indignant. “Wh—why would I steal from myself?!”
Dazai shrugged serenely. “A brilliant ruse. Hide the crime by committing it yourself. Frame another to enjoy the sweet fruits of deception without judgment.”
His grin turned positively feral.
“If I were you, I’d check your other pockets.”
Ranpo stomped his foot. “Ridiculous!” But nonetheless instinctively patted his jacket, half-convinced for a moment before he caught himself.
He scowled. “Stop trying to reverse-psychology me, you fiend. I’m the greatest detective alive; I don’t fall for cheap tricks.”
Dazai’s eyes glimmered. “And yet… you looked.”
The two locked eyes in a silent battle of egos.
The rest of the office groaned audibly at the ridiculous spectacle.
“Enough!” Kunikida barked, waving his notebook around like he wished he could swat them away like the annoying flies they are. “You’re both insufferable.”
Ranpo just huffed and turned sharply on his heel.
“Fine. You’re off the hook… for now. Atsushi! You’re next!”
From across the room, Atsushi audibly choked on air.
⸻//////————
Interrogation #6: Atsushi
Ranpo managed to catch Atsushi by the scruff just before he could escape off to lunch.
He squinted at him with such intensity, it was as if he were looking into the heart of the sun. “Tiger-boy. You look guilty.”
“Wha—?! But Ranpo— I promise I didn’t do anything!” Atsushi flailed.
“Exactly,” Ranpo muttered darkly. “Too innocent. Suspiciously innocent.” He leaned uncomfortably close, the long-bare lollipop stick still clenched neatly between his teeth, forcing poor Atsushi to lean back before springing back up with a grin.
“Atsushi-kun,” Ranpo said, voice deceptively light, “I’m going to make this very easy. Hold out your hand.”
“My… hand?” Atsushi blinked nervously.
“Yes, yes. Don’t argue with a genius.”
Ranpo seized his wrist before he could protest, raising Atsushi’s palm as though conducting a stage trick.
“Now,” Ranpo continued, eyes narrowing in mock consideration, “you say you know nothing about my sweets. But your instincts…” He gave a theatrical pause, tilting his head. “…your feline brain always tells the truth.”
Atsushi didn’t even get the chance to ask what the hell that was even supposed to mean before his hands were being guided through the air like a child playing toy airplanes, slowly sweeping across the office.
Atsushi’s face grew redder with each second passed, his muscles twitching despite his attempts to follow along. He had to keep reminding himself to remember that Dazai had said to trust in Ranpo’s, uh, peerless intellect. So he supposed this was fine…
“Ah-ha.” Ranpo hummed knowingly. “See that?!”
He cheered, like he had somehow seen something—ANYTHING important that wasn’t the woefully lost expression on Atsushi’s face.
“The way you pulled your right hand away just then? Instinct Tells me you have something to hide. A detective need only follow the trail of weakness~”
Wait. What? Animal brain—hey, Atsushi was in total control right now! What—What is he—
“I-I don’t know what you’re talking about—!”
Atsushi stammered truthfully, but his nerves betrayed him, traitorous tail flicking to life as Ranpo passed in the direction of his topmost desk drawer.
Ranpo’s grin spread. “There it is.” With a flourish, he steered Atsushi’s unwilling hand right to the drawer in question. “Your subconscious is practically screaming at me. Something’s hidden here.”
Oh wait no—
That’s where he put—
“Wait, no, don’t—!”
Atsushi lurched forward, but Ranpo was already pulling open the drawer with a victorious expression. His sharp eyes darted inside, searching around with confidence that turned into confusion, and soon morbid curiosity when he plucked out a tightly folded sheet of paper with infuriating ease.
Ranpo unfolded it delicately, scanning the contents. His eyebrows shot up, his mouth curving into a wolfish grin.
“Well, well, well. Not candy at all. Something much juicier.”
Oh nonono. Please don’t read Aku’s—
“Ohhh, this is adorable,” Ranpo continued, voice rich with glee. “Man, if Dazai saw this—”
Atsushi’s blood instantly ran cold. Knowing, with a shadow of a doubt, the man would never let him live it down.
Feeling his face burn, Atsushi’s eyes snapped across the office. Sure enough, Dazai had long since dropped the headphones and was watching with rapt interest, grin sharp as any blade.
“Oh~? Was my name just invoked?”
Dazai’s tone was filled with sing-song, cat-like curiosity.
“What precious secrets are we hiding from our mentor, hm, Atsushi-kun?”
And suddenly Atsushi was transformed from a cat to a mouse.
Panic jolted through the little wear-tiger like lightning. With a strangled yelp, he lunged, snatched the paper from Ranpo’s hands, and bolted toward the door to find a lighter, clutching it to his chest like a lifeline. The only thing that could stop this apocalyptic disaster was fire.
Dazai was on his feet instantly, smile stretched into a wicked grin that promised Atsushi no escape!
“Ohhh, I have to see it now.”
The chase began. Atsushi sprinted down the hall in pure mortification, Dazai tearing after him with an evil sparkle in his eye, as a gleeful laugh echoed alongside their retreating dustcloud.
Ranpo, left behind, popped his lollipop stick back in his mouth and sat down with supreme satisfaction.
“Not my sweets,” he said smugly, “but entertaining enough.”
⸻~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~——-
The Big Reveal
At last, after a long and gruelling day of no snacks, Ranpo came bursting back into the office with what looked to be a fairly heavy bag of something slung over his shoulder.
He laughed triumphantly, with the widest smile they’d ever seen plastered on his face.
“The truth is clear! The one who has stolen my beloved stash is none other than—”
Everyone leaned in. Even Dazai, who had only just recently recovered from his downright dastardly participation in the soon-to-be-famed Atsushi Hunt, cracked an eye open.
Ranpo proceeded to flip the sack upside down, letting the fat, furry, fuzzy contents fall the rest of the short distance to the floor with a heavy *plop.
“KARL?!” Atsushi yelped, alongside nearly every other member.
Indeed. Poe’s pet raccoon lay clear as day for all to see, nestled in a bed of colourful cellophane with chubby paws buried in a variable mountain of Ranpo’s pilfered sweets.
Wrappers crinkled, and chocolate smeared his little whiskers as he continued his slow, crumbly bites of salted potato chips. Even Dazai had to admit, he looked rather unrepentant.
For a long moment, the room was dead silent. Everyone braced for Ranpo’s wrath.
Then—
Ranpo just plopped down beside the raccoon, with a palmy sigh.
“Welp, at least you have good taste.” He complimented the animal, before snagging a caramel from Karl’s pile, unwrapped it, and popped it into his mouth.
The agency stared on in disbelief.
Dragging the little creature into his lap, Ranpo proceeded to pull out his phone and began typing vigorously.
“Uh… Ranpo-san?” Atsushi ventured. “Aren’t you… mad?”
“Oh, I’m furious,” Ranpo replied airily.
“Which is why I’m sending Poe a very special grocery list. Don’t worry! He’ll know what it means.”
Meanwhile Karl was happily placing a gummy bear into Ranpo’s hand with a pleasant sounding purr.
Accepting it like a peace treaty, the detective popped it into his mouth alongside the caramel without even taking his eyes off the screen until he hit the send button.
“Case closed. Ranpo yawned, already snuggling into the pile of junk with his favourite raccoon, just as everyone else in the room could’ve sworn they heard a long, far off, yet slowly encroaching scream of Karl’s name echo in from somewhere in the distance.
The end~