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The thing about packing and moving is that it usually works better with more than one person involved.
Only, the twins are teething – simultaneously – and are being a nightmare. A cute nightmare, but there is way too much crying and screaming for it to be considered anything but nightmarish.
They want absolutely nothing to do with Jensen at the moment, leaving them both attached to Jared and daring anyone to try to take them away from him. Arianna has a fever and she is out of sorts; Brooke is feeding off of that. With Jared’s arms not capable of doing more than comforting his daughters, he is a temporarily useless player in the whole ‘moving’ plan.
Jensen left an apologetic Jared sitting on the couch with the girls, Arianna and Brooke sniffling and drooling and looking all shades of pathetic. Their eyes are a clear and shining green from their crying and they break his heart. All he wants to do is pepper their cheeks with kisses like he usually does; only, when he tries they scream and bury their faces in their father. They want no one but Jared and have no problem reminding the entire apartment complex.
Cute but nightmarish.
Jensen sighs and pulls down another box from the bedroom closet in Jared’s apartment. This would go a lot faster with multiple hands, but he’ll make due. He could have hired someone to do this part, but his brain led him to believe that doing it together with Jared could be fun; it could be a bonding moment.
It’s not fun, and the only bonding going on is between Jared and the kids.
But it isn’t terrible either. The reason behind all the physical labor is enough to keep a smile plastered on his face.
Jared, Arianna, and Brooke get to call his house ‘home’.
Lost in the thought he trips slightly, landing him stumbling towards the stripped bed and knocking over some of the contents of the back onto the mattress. He sighs and starts to pick up the displaced items, feeling like he might be emptying Jared’s bedroom for the rest of the day if he keeps moving at this pace.
His brother is supposed to stop by to help move some of the larger stuff and Mackenzie and Justin are on their way over now. He’s a little nervous about that fact since Kenzie hasn’t seen the twins since – his brain stumbles when the thinks of the memory – since the hospital. It’s been a month and he’s sure she will be fine, but he’s still not certain how she’ll react to Arianna and Brooke.
But she is going to have to get used to it. They’re not going anywhere.
His hands grab a small square that flew out of the un-lidded box and he glances at it as he puts it back in place. He does a double take when his brain catches up to speed and realizes it is an ultrasound scan. He’s not great at reading them, but it looks like there is a baby at the center, a little kidney shaped differentiation in the grainy image. His eyes scan it long enough to find Jared’s name and the date.
It’s the baby Jared miscarried.
Suddenly, feeling like he has committed a huge invasion on Jared’s privacy, he instinctively glances around the room to see if anyone has caught him. He hastily shoves the photo back into the box but he upsets its balance and several more tumble out.
He feels guilty because he wasn’t looking for snippets of Jared’s past but they’re staring him in the face, literally. There are photographs of Jared and some other guy and a stab of jealously goes straight through him.
He has no right to feel it, he knows that, but it rears its head anyway.
But it fades almost as quickly as it appears when he sees the expressions Jared is wearing in the photos.
It’s Jared, but it’s not.
There is something off, and Jensen’s jealousy turns into a need to make sure Jared never looks like that again.
His boyfriend looks listless, a shadow of the energetic alive person he knows and loves.
It is completely unsettling.
He gathers up the pictures and the other document that fell out. He wants to respect Jared’s privacy but the words on the page are just too tempting and Jensen can’t stop himself from reading him.
He’s not sure he’s going to be able to handle his decision.
He doesn’t expect it to be a police report, but he is even more surprised when he continues reading to find that Jared was the victim of domestic abuse. The document is brief but it gets to the point.
David broke Jared’s arm.
While he was pregnant.
It’s too much to think about and Jensen knows he is going to be sick. He tells himself to put the paper down, but he can’t. He keeps staring at it, reading it over again.
It makes almost no sense.
Jared is so smart. He can’t imagine his boyfriend being in the situation described in the report. His brain has a hard time coming to terms with what Jared must have gone through. It has to be a mistake or maybe he is missing something.
But all the other signs are there. It almost perfectly explains Jared’s protective walls and skittish quality, the distrust, his independence, the expressions he wore in the photos.
It’s not a mistake.
He must have made a noise because Jared appears at the door. Arianna is sleeping on his shoulder, but Brooke is wide awake and staring at Jensen. Jared’s eyes are smiling but when he sees what Jensen has his hands on, they go dark. He knows Jensen’s read it.
They don’t talk for a moment, both knowing that now they both know everything.
Jared’s facial expression twitches from one to another, not seeming able to settle on one. He coughs in a failed attempt to cut the tension. “You can just throw that box out.”
The way Jared says it, Jensen knows Jared’s thrown the box out long ago. He sighs, folding the police report up once again and slipping it into the box. Jared may have dealt with these issues but the symbolic nature of physically destroying them isn’t lost on Jensen. He pushes the box aside but not before pulling out the ultrasound photo and flashing it to Jared. “Even this?”
Jared looks at the photo for a moment before settling on Jensen’s eyes. “I…”
“It’s okay.” And it really is. As much as he wants to talk about what he just found, he knows they don’t have to. They both know but he needs to let Jared know he’s not upset. “It’s okay.”
“Jen…” Jared’s words trail off, his want for Jensen to understand everything almost tangible.
“I know you have a past. It’s okay. There isn’t anything in this world that is going to make me think differently of you. It’s the past, okay?” He means it. The person contained in the box is not the Jared he knows. It’s someone who might have existed at one point, but he is gone now. “So we toss this.” He smiles softly at Jared and slides the box across the floor to the small pile of things they plan on discarding. “But we keep this.” Jensen puts the ultrasound scan in his back pocket.
Jared looks like he is going to cry, his eyes watery and quivering. Only, he laughs. The sound is full of relief and Jensen can practically see the younger man letting go of the last painful remnants from his past.
“Thank you.” Jared closes the distance between them and, being careful not to jostle the twins too much, he leans down to kiss Jensen briefly. “Thank you.”
Jensen doesn’t say anything. He just smiles and kisses Jared again, softly. Jared doesn’t have to thank him for loving him, but he knows there is more behind those words than a simple thank you. They’ve still not mastered psychic connections, but they are learning how to communicate without words.
Brooke grabs onto Jensen’s shirt and tugs, breaking the two men out of their moment. She looks up at Jensen with big lashes and parted bow lips.
“Now you want to be my friend?” Jensen offers his hands to her in the universal ‘do you want me to pick you up’ gesture. Brooke leans forward towards him and Jensen grabs onto her fully.
Kissing Brooke on the top of her head, Jensen looks at his boyfriend. Whatever just happened between them was intense, and though it took barely 5 minutes, it is hard to move on from. “Can we take a break?” Jensen is already pushing towards the other room.
“You mean, can you take a break?” Jared smiles and wipes his eyes with the back of his now free hand. “I’m afraid the girls aren’t letting me be much of a help.”
“The girls are miserable. You making them less miserable is help. Don’t worry, reinforcements are coming soon.” Jensen shifts Brooke to his other hip and pulls open the refrigerator to grab a beer, needing the brief reprieve it offers. He’s mastered opening a beer while holding a baby, and takes a long swig before sitting at the kitchen table. Brooke is babbling away and he mimics her gibberish for a moment before searching Jared out.
He finds him propped with his hip against the kitchen’s entrance way, watching Jensen with a soft look. Arianna is still passed out on his shoulder, but she’s shifted closer to the crook of his neck, little hands looking like she fell asleep hugging him.
Jensen raises an eyebrow. “What?”
“I’m glad I am moving in with you.”
“I was feeling mildly excited about it.” Jensen shrugs nonchalantly but he can’t keep up the charade and laughs. “I’m glad you’re glad.” He smiles and scans the kitchen. It’s completely packed up, save for the girls’ highchairs. And aside from the couch, the living room is completely done too. They are infinitely closer to finally moving in together, and one would have to be an idiot not to see how happy that fact made Jensen. “I’m kind of out of my mind happy that you are moving in with me.”
Brooke let out a peel of laughter for no apparent reason. She smiled a toothy grin a Jensen and smacked her hands together.
“She definitely seems happy about it.” Jared smiles at his daughter but then quickly swings his head towards the front door at the sound of a chime. “The reinforcements are here.”
“So much for taking a break.” Jensen sighs with a smile and pushes himself out of the chair to join Jared near the door. The faster they got this done, the faster he can stop thinking of things as ‘Jared’s’ or ‘Jensen’s’. It would just be ‘theirs’.
*****************
Jared is staring at Jensen’s bed when Jensen comes to stand beside him.
“What are you looking at?” He put his hand on the small of Jared’s back and cocks his head to the side.
“Not really looking at anything, just thinking.”
“About?”
“The bed.” Jared turns to face Jensen but the man, already anticipating this, is closer than he realizes. He’s practically on top of Jared, pressing their bodies together with some added pressure from his hand still at the younger man’s back.
“What about the bed?” Jensen’s eyes curve up into a smile and he speaks closer to Jared’s face, aware his warm breath is fanning out across his skin. He picks up on the small shiver it causes and smiles wider. He smiles wider still when he sees the difficultly Jared is having in answering. The younger man’s body is reacting to him even if his mind isn’t in the game yet.
“How much,” he swallows and places his hands on Jensen’s hips, “how much do you like your bed?”
“I like it fine.” Jensen smirks and yanks Jared towards him in one swift pull. “I like it better when you’re in it.” To emphasize his point he shoves Jared, hard, causing him to land on the soft pillowy mattress.
“Jensen!” Jared looks up with a puzzled expression but laughs when Jensen pounces, jumping onto the bed and making them both bounce to a slow stillness.
Jensen stalks Jared for a moment, crawling over him and sending him scrambling backwards towards the headboard. It’s a common routine for the two of them, but Jensen doesn’t let him get away. He keeps his body hovering over Jared’s at every move and slams their lips together before the younger man can get a word in.
When he pulls away he thinks he’ll never get sick of seeing Jared sprawled out below him.
He knows they are both exhausted. They’ve been unpacking, rearranging, and organizing since before the girls woke up this morning. The house is a mess, but it is an organized, labeled brown boxes, type of mess. Their possessions are merging together and the chaos is starting to make sense. It hasn’t been all that hard. Jensen’s house is big and Jared’s apartment was small, making it easy for everything to find a place.
They painted the twin’s room a few weeks ago, and it is the first room they’ve unpacked and decorated. Their cribs and dressers fit perfectly, leaving room for all the new things Jensen already plans to spoil them with.
It’s beautiful but if anyone told Jensen that his neutral toned house would contain a brightly painted butterfly motif room one day he wouldn’t have believed them. Seeing it now, the room is perfect. That room was always meant to be Arianna’s and Brooke’s.
And now it is.
And they are currently napping happily in it.
Jensen wants the house to feel like it is theirs, rather than still being Jensen’s and they are long term guests.
Truth be told, the house never felt like much of anything. It was just a place he went when he wasn’t working. Then it was a place he went when he wasn’t at Jared’s. Now it is more than just a place. It’s full of the change his life has taken; a place he wants to be because everything he loves most in life is there too.
Oh god, he sounds so sappy and ridiculous. He would kick himself but he is too damn happy and he doesn’t care. He deserves this.
Jared does too.
Leaning down, Jensen kisses Jared breathless again. Or maybe it is the other way around. Sometimes, when their lips are working against each other’s and their hands are pawing and tugging each other closer, Jensen can’t figure out who is dominating the kiss. Jared flicks his tongue into his mouth again and he realizes he doesn’t care, he just want to keep doing exactly what he is doing.
After their first kiss, Jensen knew Jared was a phenomenal kisser, and he just keeps getting better. The things Jared can do with his mouth…there are no words. He’s sure that mouth will kill him one day. He moans into Jared’s kiss and lets the man’s lips bring him one step closer to death.
Jensen’s friends like to tease him about the fact that he and Jared are so obviously crazy about each other. Some of them have known Jensen since they were kids, and even though they’ve never seen him act like this around a significant other, they still like to poke fun at the look on his face when he talks about Jared. They warn him that it will pass, that they are just in the fuzzy, happy honeymoon phase of their relationship.
Jensen doesn’t bother wasting time in telling them they are wrong. There isn’t going to come a time when Jared doesn’t make every part of his body go haywire.
What they don’t know is that there are a lot of down times between the two of them. Jensen loves the simple, happy routine he and Jared had developed over the months. They are just as happy making breakfast together as they are making each other come undone in bed.
But when the time and opportunity for them to get wrapped up in each other’s body presents itself, they take it to its full extent. It took a while for them to reach a point of comfort with sexual intimacy but now that they’re there, Jensen has plans. He and Jared go at each other like teenagers, but with much more finesse.
Jensen isn’t going to stop any time soon. He has a lot of daydreams to make good on.
Jared palms his denim clad groin and he kisses Jensen fiercely before the younger man pulls away unexpectedly.
“I was thinking we could get rid of the bed.” Jared leans down to nip at Jensen’s confused lips. “Or at least put it in another room.”
“Huh?” Jensen is almost incapable of thinking with anything other than his dick right now. He doesn’t understand Jared’s train of thought. The bed is fine, it is more than fine. Jared is so delicious pinned into it right now, making the bed just about perfect.
“I thought we could get a new one…together. One that is ours…that no one else has ever slept in.”
There is a subtle note of possessiveness somewhere in those words and Jensen likes it. It sends his blood pulsing faster and makes him roll his hips down. Jared makes a keening noise, which Jensen likes even more than the possessive tone. The younger man’s idea is a touching one and symbolic as well. “Yeah, okay. Our bed. I like that.”
Jared smiles wide against the lips Jensen just crushed down on him. “Good. So a new bed and a fence around the pool and we are all set.”
“Fence around the pool?” That is a new request. He can swear Jared never asked him about that before. But then Jared snakes his hand down the front of his pants and it's on Jensen’s dick again with the promise of being replaced by his mouth and Jared could say he wants to fill the pool with cement for all he cares. When the taller man curls his fingers in a slow sensual pull, Jensen thinks maybe he was wrong on thinking it would be Jared’s mouth that would kill him one day. It might be his hands. Or his dick.
Or maybe a team effort of all three.
Nap time is awesome.
******
Jensen flops back in his office chair, exhausted and really wanting to go home for the night. He and Jared made the decision to stay late so as to finish work that had piled up during their move.
A godsend, Kenzie agreed to pick up the girls from daycare and watch them back at Jared and Jensen’s house until the men returned from work.
And if Jensen worried about how she would react to being around Arianna and Brooke a few weeks ago, he should have followed Jared’s advice not to worry so much. She has been great with them. And while he is still surprised Jared trusted her to pick up the girls and watch them – All. By. Herself. – for three hours, he is glad that his sister and his boyfriend seemed to have bonded in some way.
Maybe it is their miscarriage connection or that Jared is the first person he has dated who Mackenzie truthfully likes. Either way, the two of them hit it off almost immediately, making Jensen’s life infinitely easier.
Rubbing his eyes to rid them of tiredness, he smiles at his last clients. Blinking to refocus himself, a picture frame he swore hadn’t been on the corner of his desk the day before caught his eye. It is a print of the photo Jared took two months ago of him, Arianna, and Brooke after they all fell asleep on the couch. Jared must have put the picture there earlier.
He doesn’t mind. If anything, the sentiment makes him feel loved.
His desk, once empty of personal knick-knacks, is gradually starting to hold more than just typical office supplies.
It is a good change.
He runs his thumb over the photo, smiling with remembrance of the moment, but he forces himself to stay focused on the task at hand.
It takes a few more minutes, but Jensen has Mr. Bennett and Ms. Comer out of the office with smiles on their faces and is on the receiving end of their pleasant goodbye wishes.
As he closes his office door after their exit, he locks it and turns to face Jared. Leaning back against the door, he sighs. “I’m glad that day is over.”
“I like them.” Jared grabs the file Jensen dropped on his desk when escorting his clients out and quickly shelves it back into the system.
“Mr. Bennett and Ms. Comer?” Rubbing his temples, Jensen comes to stand closer to Jared.
“Yeah. They’re a great couple. It’s hard not to like people like that.” Jared spins in his chair, coming to a stop so that he is facing the older man.
“It’s a shame they never got married.” Shrugging, Jensen shoves both hands in his pockets.
“Why is that?”
“I dunno. It’s like you said, they are a great couple. I’ve been handling their finances for years, they are two of my earliest clients actually. They once told me they are never going to get married because they like keeping their finances separate and filing taxes separately. They said marriage wasn’t really important.” He shrugs for a second time. “It’s just a shame I think, for them to believe that.”
“I don’t think so.” Jared cocks his head to the side and shakes it in disagreement.
“You don’t?”
“No.” The word leaves Jared’s mouth with absolute certainty. “A marriage doesn’t prove anything. You don’t have to be married to someone to be totally committed. I think it is refreshing that Mr. Bennett and Ms. Comer have enough faith in their relationship to trust being with each other without a legal document.”
Jensen doesn’t know how to respond. He understands what his boyfriend is saying, agrees with it even, but he still doesn’t feel the same way. “Yeah, but it’s a marriage. It is more than just a document.”
“Is it? So you can’t have the same level of seriousness in a relationship without a marriage? Or you can’t leave someone just because you are married to them?” Jared is on edge now, defenses fueled to life. He’s not angry, but it is a different type of fire. “Someone can destroy a relationship just as thoroughly regardless of a marriage being in place.”
Jensen knows he’s inadvertently hit a nerve. “Jared…that’s not what I mean.” Sighing, Jensen took a step closer to his boyfriend. “It’s just…marriage is a commitment. I mean,” he looks Jared square in the eye, “don’t you want to get married one day?”
“Not really.”
The answer shocks Jensen in a way that makes him physically take a step back.
It is a difference in opinion he never gave much thought too. Maybe he should have, but he didn’t. He always assumed he would grow up, get a job, meet the person he loved and get married one day. It was all in his plan, the plan he thought would make him the happiest.
It is what he really wants. And while he isn’t ready to embark on that path with Jared, it is shocking to learn that there are no roads that lead to marriage.
His brain kicks into overdrive. This is kind of a big deal. It is a huge deal. It shouldn’t matter for all the reasons Jared explained before, but it does. It matters to him.
“Not really?” Jensen is hoping he misheard his boyfriend.
“Nope. I don’t need something to be legally binding for me to stay in it. I figured it is more meaningful if people stay committed to something for other reasons. Why would I want to be stuck in something with someone if we both found ourselves sticking it out because of a marriage or because it is what we should do? I don’t need anyone feeling like they owe me anything.” Jared crosses his arms. “I just think it means more if people have the confidence in their relationship to let it speak for itself.”
Jared is right. All the words make sense.
But Jensen’s heart is still sinking.
He wants very much to be someone’s husband, to have someone he can share his life with in the eyes’ of the world. Yeah, it’s a document or a legal arrangement, but it is more than that. Only, his brain isn’t working and he is having a hard time coming up with a better defense than I want to get married because it is marriage and I want to have one because everyone should get married. It is what you do. What comes out is a weak defense. “But you don’t have to stay stuck in a marriage.”
“Right, because then there is divorce. Which could just be avoided if the whole marriage thing didn’t get in the way either.” Jared snorts and pushes out of his chair.
“Seriously, Jared? Seriously?” Jensen can’t believe how jaded the younger man sounds. He knows Jared has been around people who abandoned the role the law put on them, but this is different.
“What?” Jared sighed and flexed his fingers as if trying to grasp a better explanation.
Still failing to come up with a desired ‘better explanation’, Jensen goes with what has been playing on repeat in his head. “It’s a marriage. It is what you do when you want to spend the rest of your life with someone.” His eyes plead with his boyfriend to just fucking understand. He even reaches out in frustration, hoping the physical contact will help it all make sense.
Jared lets Jensen brush up against him but then sidesteps out of the touch. “So you get married because it is ‘what you are supposed to do’?” He pauses, sighs, and straightens out again. “Listen, I get what you are saying. I see the appeal. The nice neat little bow on the top of a perfect happy package. It sounds great. But, I am just being real about it. I don’t think it always works out and for that reason and more I think something like the relationship Mr. Bennett and Ms. Comer have is more meaningful. I never really saw myself getting married.”
And with that decisions Jared managed to topple the list of mile markers Jensen had compiled for his life. He knew Jared saw the change happen, saw Jared reach out to touch him.
He ducked away from the touch. What was Jared attempting to do touching him now? It was a little too late.
“I need some air.” Jensen pushed away.
“Jensen…”
The injured pleading tone in Jared’s voice almost caught Jensen and halted his departure. But he is too wound up to let go of the hurt his boyfriend caused him. “Don’t wait up.”
“Jensen can we…”
“Don’t Jared. Don’t.” He holds up a hand before practically slamming the office door in the man’s face and taking off down the hallway.
He is angry but he has no right to be.
Jared never pretended that he wanted to get married. If anything, he was the one ensuring their relationship progressed slowly. It is something Jensen is thankful for, because he feels they got to know each other more intimately over the months spent together. But now, it was like he is putting a complete halt to everything they have been moving towards.
He’s just moved in with the man he loves and now it feels like the cracks are showing.
Avoiding the elevator and taking the stairs, he jogs down them two at a time. The need to be out of the office building is overpowering and all he can think about it hitting the pavement outside and just going.
Like his feet have a mind of their own, he does not head towards his car. Instead, he takes off down the sidewalk and walks along the shadows of the buildings. There is a coffee shop he likes to go to when he needs an extra pick-me-up at the end of the street but he walks right past it.
He keeps walking, but he doesn’t know where he is going. Wishing he could walk right out of the mess he feels he just created, he picks up the pace, realizing he has circled the block and is back at the coffee shop again.
He has no right to be angry at Jared, Jared is the one being honest.
Growling in frustration, he pivots and heads into the coffee shop, ordering a black coffee and taking a seat in the corner of the room so that he can stare out the large open storefront window.
When he was five he hated being told he couldn’t do something.
Being stubborn and determined, Jensen, of course, had to prove everyone wrong. He did it anyway.
It was the reason for many of his parent’s punishments.
Not much has changed. He still hates being told he can’t have what he wants, even if the reason makes sense.
Like when he was told he couldn’t have an apple because he was allergic to it but he could have a peach instead. He just had to have the apple. He ended up in the hospital and found out that peaches were just as good as apples.
It is kind of like that.
Only Jared bruises are worse than those on a peach.
Part of Jensen knows he wants to get married because it is what society does. It may be wrong, but a lot of people judge the seriousness of a couple’s relationship based on the marriage element.
It is not that Jensen wants to prove himself to anyone, but he does like the idea of society accepting his relationship as a valid and important one.
It isn’t a real reason for marriage.
And then he feels like an idiot, because every single one of Jared’s reasons for staying in a relationship trumps his argument for getting married.
Staring at his coffee, Jensen realizes that maybe he should learn how to sway from his own plans. Change is definitely scary, but it isn’t terrible and no one has been through more change than Jared over the last few months.
The fact that tonight is the first time he has ever gotten angry with Jared makes him feel like he is on a different planet. He understands it is misplaced anger, he is not really angry with Jared, just the situation. But, it still feels awkward walking out on the man.
He shouldn’t have done that.
Abandoning his practically untouched coffee, Jensen knows he needs to talk to Jared. Hoping it isn’t too late, that he hasn’t disappointed the man too severely, he makes his way back to his car and then his home.
It is passed the girls’ bedtime by the time he arrives, after 9. The house looks dark but he can tell there are several lights on in the inner most rooms.
It’s his house but somehow Jensen feels like he is invading when he creeps in the front door. He doesn’t know what to expect and that puts him on edge.
He finds Jared at the kitchen table, staring off into a mug of…something. As he approaches him, Jared doesn’t move.
“You’re still here.” Jensen’s words are soft, and he has to clear his throat halfway through to get them out. Once they echo in the room his heart understands how glad he is that Jared is still there.
“Of course I’m here.” Jared pushes the mug away and turns to face Jensen. There is something behind his eyes, but it isn’t anger or disappointment. “This is my home.”
The corners of Jensen’s lips twitch up slightly and briefly at the wording of Jared’s last statement. Without dwelling too long in the comfort those words bring him, he sighs and sits at the chair beside Jared. “I’m sorry I left like that…I just…I needed to get out. I needed to think.”
Jared shakes his head softly but says nothing, leaving Jensen to fill the silence.
“Jare…” He reaches out to place a hand on Jared’s knee but hesitates, pulling back before fully committing to the contact. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay.”
It’s not the reaction Jensen expects and he knows his eyes reveal that fact. “It is?”
“God yes.” Jared finally looks Jensen in the eyes fully and comes to cover Jensen’s hand with his own. “After all the emotional bullshit and baggage and issues I put you through, of course it is okay.”
The words have an instantaneous effect on Jensen. The tension he has been holding, the worry that Jared would shut himself off to him, it all goes away. “Jared, you have no idea how glad I am to hear you say that.”
Eyes flickering with sadness and his own apology, Jared frowns. “Listen, I’m sorry if I disappoint you. I am sorry if I am not exactly who you think I am. But I do love you Jensen.” He leans forward in his chair, lessening the distance between them. He put a hand on the curve of Jensen’s neck while his thumb kneaded into the tension residing there. “I never saw myself getting married but that doesn’t mean I am not 100% committed to you. I’m here, aren’t I?”
Jensen’s brows twitch with thought. He knew Jared was committed to him, but hearing it said aloud makes it mean so much more.
Jared’s voice is gentle and sincere. “I want to be here. I want to be here with you, in this relationship. I’m not going to go anywhere. And all I need to want that is you. Nothing else.”
Not knowing how else to respond, Jensen leans in and kisses the younger man. It is quick and he pulls away on a sharp intake of air. Relief paints his words and he has a million things to say but what comes out is, “I’m so in love with you Jared.”
“I know you are. I know the fact that you love me made that whole argument back in your office more intense. But I don’t need any formal definition of a relationship to make it real. It is real. I’m here, with the girls, and I don’t see myself going anywhere.” Jared leaned in and kissed Jensen several times. “I need you to understand that. You told me months ago that you weren’t ‘looking for an out’. Well, I’m not looking for one either. I’ve never felt like this about anyone before. I’ve never trusted anyone like I trust you before. If you have any doubts that every part of me is committed to this then I need you to know they are for naught. I’m full of insecurities and disappointments but I promise you, I am worth keeping.”
Jensen’s hand’s find their familiar place along Jared’s jaw line and pull him in for a deeper kiss. The younger man is right, Jensen shouldn’t have worried. Actions have always spoken drastically louder than words with Jared, and he has been doing nothing but opening himself up to Jensen. He knew going into this that Jared had deep wounds, but he always, always, knew he was worth keeping. “I know you’re committed. I know you are. I do. I am too…just as much as you.” He kissed his lips again. “I’m sorry I got hung up on the marriage thing. You are right. It doesn’t really matter. It’s like a peach being just as good as an apple, different but just as good.”
“What?” Jared broke the kiss enough to furrow his brow at the older man.
Jensen laughs, “It doesn’t matter. I’m just saying, your way of seeing things is good too. I can live with that.”
“You sure? Because your way is good…it’s just different than mine.”
The hesitation in Jared’s voice makes Jensen feel guilty all over again. “I’m sure. But that doesn’t mean I am not going to do everything in my power to change your mind, to make you see it my way. At least let my try to make you see that there isn’t anything you would be ‘stuck’ in.”
Raising an eyebrow, Jared lets Jensen pull him in closer. “I hope you can do that, I really do.”
It is the only provocation Jensen needs. He is going to make Jared see his side of things or at least try to come up with more thought out reasoning to support his side.
Jared is pressed up against him, their hands flat against each other’s bodies in an attempt to keep as much contact. It isn’t sexual but it is comforting - mostly because Jared is here, Jared wants to be here, he is in this.
It’s a giant step they have taken without even realizing it.
It’s the third in a month.
They can recoil from issues like second nature. It feels like it is part of their blueprints.
It hurts but then they bounce back even stronger.
Jensen’s never felt more alive.