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Staring at the distant sunset, sky slowly swaying into its pinks reds and purples tills the dark blue will inevitably swallow it. Clouds slowly rolling by, a bit slower than usual
His tail thumbed on the grass just as usual, that rhythmic sound slowly steadying the situation
Almost as if it was normal to live a life outside the border, a life filled with confusion, weird sightings further away, a wall they slept up against each night and the wind always seeming a bit colder than it should be
“You okay ren?” Martyn hums
“Hm?!- oh. Yeah I’m all good dude” flinchy much
Martyn gives him an almost pitying look, taking a small step closer“Ren, love, don’t lie to me. What’re you thinking about?” Martyn keens in rather fast truly
“I… I’m just thinking about our lives. Before this. Before we got behind the border before you got… yk.. pang pang by the watcher. Thinking back in the death games..” his tail slowed and picked up pace irregularly, regular for the conversations topic though
“Mhmm? How so? What’s so interesting about that it’s gotten you thinking about it like this for so long? Not like death games is new to either of us” he mused
“Well.. I.. just. The differences between us.”
He paused, a confused look spreading through Martyn as he sat down beside him
“I… learnt to love you, every time in every game. You don’t fully fall in love with someone the moment you see them, you learn. I fell in love with your every move and laugh all over again each and every time. Spending the game pinning over you. Even whilst getting cheated on in double I still wanted to be with you, for you to let me cry in your arms. Last life I would be lying if I said I didn’t cry at night from being so lonely. And third. I married you. As king and hand. No matter how sadly I’ve fallen I still got to fall for you.” The words fell heavy, head falling as his already tight limbs pulled in just that little bit more
“Even in wild, even if you turned me down and said I just reminded you of someone you truly loved, unknowing that was me, I still got to love you.” A sad smile he tried to share with Martyn
“In every life time of mine I got to love you….. but. You stopped yourself from loving me. Cause of fear it wasn’t me. So many life times you weren’t allowed to love me. You looked for me, for years. You faced fears I can’t even imagine just to find me. I.. I just can’t imagine. What your side of life was”
Silence seemed to fall between them, like grains of sand. But it was something both had grown comfortably used to.
Martyn shifted wear he sat, not further or closer just, shifted“It… it was lonely. And sad. Depressing at most but. I got glimpses of you. Those were my best days. And now, you’re mine again. So don’t worry about it”
“But I do worry!” It was like his voice broke as it raised. A few deep breaths being restlessly taken “I’m sorry I raised my voice but… I do worry. You looked for me, for years. Looked for me in places I can’t even begin to imagine. You’ve had to see version of me with others. Falling head over heels with others. Not evening knowing your name or face, I would have been crushed if the roles were reversed”
Martyn just stared at him for a sec. Slowly a somber smile pulling on his lips. Laying his head down on Rens shoulder
“I didn’t get crushed, if anything it gave me a push to keep going, refuse to let you learn the love an another soul. Find you before you could. It’s probably selfish I know but.. you’re mine. Truly mine, if I fall you go running to catch me. No matter how much I might hate some of them I would fallow your every order to a tea”
“But martyn-“
“Yes?” His reply was fast, he knew every word that would be said, they’ve had this conversation so many times by now
“I.. I miss us. Those innocent moments thinking winning the game was the end goal, joy, and safety but it never was. There was nothing there for either of us but suffering.. I miss our bed, our tired out scratched floor, I miss the walls that protected us no matter how much people broke right through them, I miss our home and us. I miss being able to know I can keep you safe that I have the strength to protect you” his voice trembled
Martyn sat up slightly, getting a better look at rens sad face
“I miss us too… I’m sure we can go back, our home isn’t too far from here just a wall away”
They both knew they’d had this conversation. But they just couldn’t help having it again
“I… I miss waking up to you making breakfast, tail swaying so comfortably in the silence and sizzles of the stove. Speeding up as I always came behind you wrapping my arms around you and feeling your tail speed up its wags between us”
A slightly smile dared to raise on rens lips
“I miss seeing you plan, a thousand papers layed out, hair a mess pulled in a bad pony tail no matter how many times I said you had too short hair to put it up that high”
“In my defence I don’t like the hair tie on my neck!”
“Hehe, too shay”
Giving out Martyn sighed.. then picked back up their topic
“I.. I… I miss seeing you stand there so proud in your crown, king over his kingdom”
“I miss seeing you follow behind me screaming that it’s a bad plan to alley with this many un-trust worthy people”
They just sat their. Back and forth bringing up memory after memory
“I miss waking to blankets tucked around in a way I could barely escape because you get so worried I’ll freeze in the morning”
“I miss seeing your hair all splayed out over you a mess in the morning, bits sticking up and everything”
The same routine of missing each other. But as they kept going, Martyn kept going quiter. Normally ren would have started crying by now blabbing off about a memory he particularly misses
But instead he just fell silent as he waited for Martyn to say something. Yet nothing was said
Eventually he shifted his eyes from the drawing sundown
There he was. Sitting on the same grass patch Ren did, legs pulled up with arms loosely around them. Mouth slightly hung open. He was crying
“Heyy, what happened my dear? Why are you crying sweet?”
“I… you wouldnt get it” well that stung, hasn’t said that in very long
“I.. please?”
“It… it’s my fault. You could have all you miss and so much more if I wasn’t such a fuck head”
“What? How?” Ren just mumbled, confused why he was so upset
“It’s not close ren”
“What’s not close?”
“Our home! It’s not close Ren! I can’t break that wall again!” He snapped
His tears started to fall heavier, look at ren with that anger that you just knew.. wasn’t directed at the person you were talking to or about
“Yeah I.. I know you can’t break the wall beloved you said that the first time I stepped here. That once your here you cant go back”
“No- ugh… I can technically break the wall again. But I can’t”
“May I ask why?”
“Cause!” He closed his eyes and clutched his fists and took a deep breath, look away, anywhere but ren
“Cause if I break it it’s all over! They’d know I’m not dead, the watchers would march right back here, catch me to do god knows what and I am fully sure, if they didn’t want you executed before which is a miracle, they sure as hell do now! They just expect you to die by yourself but if I break that fucking wall they’ll kill you for good” he kept sobbing
“If I just… if I wasn’t so f-cking selfish you wouldn’t be here. You could fall in love safely! Maybe with. Idk, etho, doc, false, Bdubs, someone! Hell BigB even would maybe even treat you better! Someone other than ME! But no! I had to be so f-cking selfish I insisted to be your marketing manager just cause I had some stupid f-cking crush. Fully intended to betray you. Let you be free of me. But did I do that? NO! OF COURSE I F-CKING DIDNT!” His arms pulled around his head
“Now you have to spend your years stuck fearing for gods! GODS! You weren’t prepared for that! I was! That’s MY curse as a listener! I knew what I was and yet I still let you learn to love me! I should have stopped you but instead I was so fucking selfish I just let you do it! Be a fumbling idiot as we shared our first kiss, fell asleep cuddling in the same bed that night, me fully aware of the pain I’d cause you. Cause I’m so f-cking selfish I don’t even care about the pain of you” his hands balled into fists
“I could have let you live a good life! But I’m too god dam selfish!! I..” he swallowed his tears and took a deep breath to keep speaking “they were all right. I am selfish. Scot was right, aunty major, all my ex’s, Cleo, Pearl, the social workers at the orphanage, the teachers, they were all right about me. I’m just a selfish kid that takes from others aware but uncareing of the pain I’ll cause them. Yet I spent YEARS to find you! I saw you kiss other men, fall in love, be crowned by a women with blonde hair, marry other! I knew you could love without me and yet I kept f-cking searching! I spent years so I could keep taking from you and leave you hurt!” His fists banged against his head. Hitting again and again
“Now I watch you miss the home so dangerously close as I keep quite of the fact I could get you there. Is it cause you’d get executed then? Yeh, but the only reason you’re wanted executed is cause of me! I’m a listener, a partial god! I know how bad it goes when a god falls for a mortal! I saw grian get cursed and be forced to eat the fear from scars body! And yeah I’ve seen the records of the grian grian was named after! I saw the torture his lover was put through for daring to love a god when that god fell first! I always knew how bad it would go and yet I let you take the punishment! Maybe your curse of “the sacrifice” wouldnt be so bad if I just f-cked off and let you live!” His fists hit tills they went red and they didn’t stop
“I’m a selfish monster that doesn’t care for who I hurt! I hurt everyone to get to you, just so I could hurt you more! You can NEVER go home now! Cause I’m a f-cking monster to you! You shouldn’t fear the watchers when I’m the one beside you each night!” His tears and sobbes broke his words yet he kept going, hitting his head into his knees and hands into the back of his head
“Love thats not true-“
“YES IT IS REN!” He snapped lifting his head and smashing his fists into the ground
His face was blood red and tears stained his face as his hair stuck to his face
Looking to that sunset for a finale time for comfort he sobbed whatever was left of his energy
“You don’t get it ren… I’m a monster and you’re the pray. ‘I don’t want to hurt you’ are just the words I speak not mean. I’m selfish. You could have had such a better life than this! Picture perfect king in his kingdom, I know you could have got that cause I saw it! But there was always a mistake in that picture and that mistake has and will always be me tills you finally get ride of me or let that mistake be your death! I understand why whoever my parents were got ride of me, cause there’s always a chance they’ll turn to a selfish monster. And I guess they were f-cking right! I’ve ruined everything for you!! You could’ve have lived GOOD ren! I’m tying you down- hell no! By this point I’ve severed your legs off because they will never rest until you are dead and they’ve eaten every last bit of your suffering! The suffering i caused! Your life is so filled with gods and death and complications now and non of it would have happened if I shut my mouth. You could’ve had such a good life and I ruined it all just cause IM F-CKING SELF-“
“Martyn I would choose this life a thousand times over whatever picture perfect life could be out there if all of this didnt happen.” Ren said with a stern voice and hand tightly holding martyns head to look at him
“But it did happen. And f-ck am I glad it happened. Martyn I don’t want you to break that wall so the watchers find us because theirs a high chance they’ll execute me. I don’t want you to break it because I know how much pain I was in when I lost you those few times. You lost me for years. And I… I can’t imagine what pain that felt like and I NEVER want to put you through that again! I’m your husband! And I’m staying your husband! I’m staying with you! So don’t break that dam wall! We can build something here! Maybe it won’t be our home but it would be ours . And isn’t that enough to live for?”
Martyn had that.. dazed look.
The look like something that will change your life from here on out just happened.
The tears and all of him had frozen when ren had grabbed him.
But now it wasn’t even grabbing. Martyn clung to him for dear life. His life. His ren. His ren. His ren .
He sobbed like there was no tomorrow.
But there was a tomorrow.
Just like today, same stale backs from sleeping on grass and a wall, same cold winds slowly warming and then cooling straight down to freezing when the dark hits, searching for any iron possible to shear the one sheep they found out here.
Even if it wasn’t the best tommorow. It was tomorrow, wasn’t it? Wasn’t every day either of them could be sure there was a tomorrow or wanted a tomorrow so..
maybe don’t blame him too much for bordering scream sobbing into his husbands arms and his husband trying his best to kiss him to calmness even if his face was slowly getting painted by tears as well, as least they had each other to hold
Ren could help him unpack all the guilt another day, unpack all the guilt of being an orphan and all the guilt the people who we’re supposed to be family have. He’d help, he’d stay. The whole way through