Chapter Text
[CLICK]
LAMPERT
Ah. Testing, testing - okay. Yes. It's picking up.
[CLEARS THROAT]
My name is Lampert Rokes. I work for the Magnus Institute, in London. The Institute concerns itself with matters of the.. paranormal, we'll say.
The head of the Institute, one Ms. Folly Sominus, has promoted me to Head Archivist, since the previous Archivist - Bive Connors - has passed away.
I have worked here for all three years that I have lived in London, after I moved following the ..loss of a close friend. Most of the cases here, admittedly predictably, lead nowhere; but some - some are stranger. But if a case is particularly difficult to close - which happens frustratingly often - it is moved here, to the Archives.
That is where I come in. As the Archivist, I'm meant to categorise, file, and properly organise this mess of files. The libraries of the Institute are pristine monuments to organisation. The Archives are… not.
Yet, it would take only a small amount of effort, given all the technology we possess today, to return the Archives to some sense of order. Due to the state they are in, I can only assume that Bive Connors did not put in that effort.
From where I'm sitting, I can see a mess of files unlike any I've ever seen. The place stinks of mould and dust, and very few of the files are labeled at all. And there is none of the supplementary information from each file stored here, so, impossibly, the statements are all that remain.
Regrettably, I have been given an… assistant to help me with this task. Two, actually, though the second barely counts as an assistant at all.
The first is named Poob. They're energetic, far too much for my taste, and constantly try to invite me to parties. And yet as much as they irritate me, the other does far more.
Its name is Unpleasant. That's all anyone ever calls it and I don't even know if it has a house, let alone an official job here. But it's here, unfortunately.
My original plan was to digitize these statements through recordings and transcripts, but that doesn't work for a … select batch. I have no clue what the commonality is, but some statements do not record digitally, resulting in audio distortions to the point of eligibility. Poob and Unpleasant have taken to calling them “spooky statements,” but I refuse to sink to that level.
As such, any .. ‘unrecordable’ statements will be recorded in this fashion, at which point I plan to attempt to convert the audio post-recording.
But enough about that. I have a lot of statements to get to, and this little “introduction” (which was, may I add, Poob’s idea, not mine) has taken much of my time already.
That's that, then.. let me…
[RUSTLING AND THUMPING AS SOMEONE MESSES WITH THE RECORDER, BEFORE IT CLICKS OFF.]
Message to @lampertrokes, @gradeint | 10:21 AM
partyg0er: hey guise!!! i thought mayb we shud have a group chat since we're all workin at the same place now :))
lampertrokes: I don't really think that's necessary.
partyg0er: well it shud be fun atleast = ]
lampertrokes: I disagree. I don't do “fun”.
gradeint: awww come on man thagts no good 😢
gradeint: real skibidi sigmas have social lives✅✅✅
lampertrokes: Why do you talk like that.
gradeint: i don't know ❌❌what your talkin about broski
partyg0er: cmon lampert!!! we shud all hang out sumtime :D it would be gud 4 u!!!
lampertrokes: No, I don't think so. I have had enough friends for one lifetime, thank you.
partyg0er: had?
gradeint: lamp lore unlocked 💯💯💯
lampertrokes: How did you even get my number?
partyg0er: uhhhh
partyg0er: i jus hav such a friendly aura that i kno ppls numbers :)
lampertrokes has left the group!
lampertrokes has been added to the group!
partyg0er: ur not getting away dat easily >= ]
lampertrokes: I have work to do. You two, get back to work as well.
partyg0er: ok :(( but the offer 2 hang out still standz!!!
gradeint: yuo got it lamp 💯💯💯imWork 🏃🏃🔥
12:46 AM
lampertrokes: Poob, did you get the follow-up on the statement about the woman who said the sky ate her son?
partyg0er: yea lemme get the file
partyg0er: do u want me 2 come give it 2 u
lampertrokes: Yes. Thank you.
partyg0er: do u want a drink :)? i have fruit punch and theres a vending machine upstairs =]
lampertrokes: Sure. A plain iced tea from the vending machine, please.
partyg0er: u got it lamps o7
lampertrokes: please dont call me that
partyg0er: ack ok sory :(
Message to @partyg0er | 12:50 AM
gradeint: dang u got lamp to break character 😨
partyg0er: yea i feel realy bad =[
gradeint: dude its fine u didnt know
partyg0er: i don think ive ever heard such a normal text from u
gradeint: so true man 🗣️🗣️🗣️
partyg0er: yea thats mor liek u lol
Message to @in-pest-ation | 12:56 AM
partyg0er: PESSSTTT i jus fucked up so bad :(((
in-pest-ation: what did you do
partyg0er: u kno my coworker lamper :(
in-pest-ation: yes
partyg0er: i calld him a nickname and he got all weird
[partyg0er sent a photo]
in-pest-ation: you idiot you PROMISED me you wouldn't piss off another avatar
partyg0er: i mean hes not fully one yet-
in-pest-ation: its only a matter of time
partyg0er: besides he isnt pissed :( i came in after to giv him the drink and he almos lookd devastated
partyg0er: which i think might b wors actually i feel so bad =[
in-pest-ation: he's the archivist poob we can't afford to feel bad for him
in-pest-ation: you KNOW why you're there
partyg0er: yea but
partyg0er: hes jus a PERSON pest i cant do this 2 him :(
in-pest-ation: i know
in-pest-ation: but we have to
in-pest-ation: or we won't have anything left to feel guilty over