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Reiner knew things could've been worse, but he felt he was supposed to be satisfied. He lived to the very end, saved countless lives, and spent his time trying to fix everything that Eren had left behind—-but he never felt like it was enough. Reiner was restless and dissatisfied for as long as he could remember. A part of him knew that there was no chance that sadness would ever change. There was no escaping everything he'd done. Worst of all, there was no escaping what he left behind, what he ruined.
Lynne had moved back to Paradis. Reiner had lost count of the days since he saw her last. He barely remembered the sound of her voice, and couldn't forget the way she felt cradled in his arms. He knew he lost her a long time ago, but the wound was as fresh as ever.
Reiner thought he would find relief in the distance between them, the ocean separating him from his biggest regret, his most hurtful mistake. He barely had time to adjust to the change, though, when he discovered she was returning to Liberio to visit.
Karina had invited him over, insisting she needed assistance adjusting the furniture for Lynne's stay. Reiner knew he couldn't say no and turn his mother down, and he felt dread and anxiety churn in his stomach the whole evening. His mother's place was dim and cramped, unchanging.
Reiner found himself constantly glancing outside the window, hearing a knock at the door, deluding himself into seeing her face in the crowd. He knew he had no right to think of her so often, but it was harder knowing that she would be at the door at any minute.
And yet, once the bed had pressed against the wall, the dresser dragged across the floor and spare chairs settled into the guest room, Reiner couldn't make himself leave. He lingered in the kitchen, pacing, terrified to step foot outside, to lose the chance to see her again so soon. Was it foolish? Cowardly? Maybe.
Reiner wanted to trace the scar on her cheek, to stare into her eyes and say.. something. Anything. He wasn't sure if he had anything worth saying anymore. When the world nearly collapses under your feet, when you fight side by side with someone who should hate you, what can you say?
The door creaked open and Reiner's head snapped up at the sound. He sat in a small wooden chair in the kitchen, legs splayed as he listened to the familiar heel click of Lynn's feet on the hard floor.
"Karina," she said warmly, her voice echoing in the other room.
Reiner's heart pounded loudly in his chest, his knuckles going white on the dining table. If he left now, there was no avoiding her on the way out. He simply had to stay.
"Lynne," Mrs. Braun cooed as she hugged the girl tightly. Reiner could hear their words in hushed tones, occasionally unintelligible through the walls. "Look at you! So beautiful, so grown.. You have no idea… missed you, and… that mess on the island…"
Reiner could hear Lynne's laughter, muffled but achingly familiar. He was only diverted from his lament when he heard his name uttered from her lips.
There was a small pause before Karina called Reiner into the room.
….
The canteen was often loud and rowdy, but when it mattered most, Reiner had the disadvantage of having a voice that carried over all others. He picked at his plate, occasionally drifting away from the moment, his head pounding and his mind wrought with conflict.
It was Daz that started it.
"Look, if you had to pick.." He said before taking a thoughtful bite of food. "Who's the best girl in the 104th?"
Reiner should have just whacked him upside the head and ended it there.
"What do you mean best?" Jean said, arching an eyebrow.
"I dunno, make your case," Dax said.
"They're, uh— all pretty great," Marco said, glancing around at the table. "And really, aren't we better than this?"
"Mina's pretty cute," Dax said, ignoring him. "Not the smartest, but she's fiery."
"Anyone's more fiery than you," Connie snorted.
Daz rolled his eyes.
"Whatever. Bertholdt?"
"I don't think—" "Come on, be honest." "Well, Annie's… a good fighter."
"There you go!" Dax jeered.
Reiner's throat tightened. His mind instantly jumped to Lynne, but that was a dangerous answer. He'd been avoiding her for as long as he could, trying hard to keep her away. If he humored the idea of her, an island devil..
"Krista's pretty," he said loudly, as if he were overcompensating for his brief silence. "She'd make a great wife one day. Kind eyes." His reply received a few nods and soft murmurs, then he finally found it in himself to change the subject.
Reiner thought nothing else of the conversation that night, or ever. That offhand comment meant nothing to him. Years later, he would realize that the wetness on Lynne's face when they had briefly locked eyes was caused by him and his foolish words. It weighed heavy on his heart, and yet he knew that it wasn't the worst thing he'd ever done to her.
…
It was Lynne that finally spoke.
"Hello Reiner." Her tone was polite, her face almost too composed. She sat in the chair by the empty fireplace, sipping a cup of tea that Reiner's mother had prepared.
"Hello," he said, the word escaping from his lips with a guilty rumble. He couldn't bring himself to say her name. He didn't deserve to. He sat with the window in his view, staring out at the cloudy sky and wishing he was far away from here.
"It's so nice to have the two of you under the same roof," Karina said cheerily, unaware of their pinched, uncomfortable expressions as she tidied up, her back turned. "I'm sure you've got plenty to talk about. Are you hungry, dear? I can't imagine the food on that island is any good, let me—"
"Oh, no thank you, Mrs. Braun," Lynne said, her cheeks turning slightly pink. "I already ate, but I look forward to your incredible cooking while I'm here."
"Oh, I see," Karina said, surprised. She glanced at her son, whose sullen expression was unchanging.
Lynne had noticed Reiner's demeanor too—-it was impossible to ignore. She tried her best to push away all her emotions, nearly brimming to the surface as she was across from the man that used to mean so much to her.. She corrected herself. The warrior and Titan that killed her parents. She didn't want to care. She couldn't. Lynne shifted nervously. Something weighed heavy on her shoulders, something haunting and bittersweet.
"You must spend some time with us soon," Karina said. "There's a festival in town this weekend. You'd have a wonderful time, make the most of your visit. I imagine those islanders must not have the culture…"
Reiner didn't understand why his mother was pushing her so hard, her insistence and snide comments made his stomach churn. He shut his eyes, dizzy as if the room was spinning.
"I would love to go with you, Mrs. Braun," Lynne said.
"Oh, I'm too old to walk around in this weather," Karina tutted. "You'd be better off if you brought Reiner. You shouldn't be out alone, you never know how people are these days, after the war." She smiled as she spoke, her eyes almost shining as she glanced at her poor son. She knew something was wrong inside him, something disturbed his heart ever since he'd left for Paradis the first time, all those years ago. If there was anyone that could soothe the pain in his eyes, Karina knew it could be Lynne. She couldn't let a good thing go.
"Of course," Lynne said stiffly. "You're so kind to think of me, I.. accept."
"Good, good," Karina smiled, her eyes crinkling in the corners. "Reiner can meet you in the town square and escort you, it's an easy distance to walk.."
Reiner's head pounded, and he stared at the wooden floorboards of his mother's home, their voices muffled and fading away as he lost himself.
Lynne left without another word to him—if she was uncertain about anything, she hid it well.
Reiner didn't allow himself to watch her leave.
That night, as the city went to sleep, and the bustle of the street faded away, Reiner laid awake, eyes on the ceiling of his bedroom, his hands folded on his chest and resting on his stomach. He took deep breaths, trying to quiet his mind, disturbingly reminded by the stillness of his days as a cadet. He had learned to spend his nights wide awake in a room filled with so many others, listening to their breathing and restless tossing—they were his comrades, his enemies, and he was their traitor.
Reiner was never able to escape his own memories, his own shame. Tonight he was completely unable to get any thought of Lynne out of his mind. He had dreamed so often about her face, her voice, the elegant and poised way she held herself, foreign and bitterly familiar all the same.
….
The festival was meant to be a celebration of life and prosperity. It was a difficult thought for Reiner to entertain, when those values were so scarce in his life, for so long. How was he supposed to leave his pain behind? How could he?
Reiner arrived at his mother's doorstep and tried to keep from pacing on the street. He was perfectly on time, after getting up with the sunrise, anxious for the day ahead of him. He hardly knew how to conduct himself around the girl that once was his everything, and maybe still was..
Lynn opened the front door and descended with a sweet expression on her face, eyes alight with a soft curiosity as she observed the sky. Her half smile dropped when she saw Reiner, his sleeves rolled up his muscular arms, his face gaunt and his eyes low and sad. Her heart contracted, and she said nothing as she walked up to him and gave him a curt nod.
"Shall we?" Reiner mumbled, unable to meet her gaze.
The town was decorated in colorful banners and streamers that blew lightly in the breeze. The sun was high overhead, the sky clear and impossibly blue, as if it were a painting. There were vendors selling various foods, an odd mixture of scents wafting into the street, stalls with handmade wares and small crowds passing by, chattering happily.
For a moment, it felt as if there had never been any conflict, or death. It made Lynne feel sick. How could there be so much beauty in the world, after so much suffering? She kept her eyes on the views ahead, while Reiner lingered by her side.
He was within arms reach, but he didn't dare get too close. He didn't want to scare Lynne, or offend her, unsure of what she could be thinking in this moment. He wished he was better at hiding his emotions, that he could conceal the longing that bubbled up in his chest when he had first seen Lynne after all this time. Had his mother seen through him so clearly? His hands fidgeted as they approached a row of booths, Lynne approaching a stall with colorful woven fabric draped along every surface.
There were dancers in the street, moving and playing small stringed instruments and drums as they twisted and jumped, long skirts swishing.
Reiner watched Lynne stop and hover in the shade to watch them. She tucked a curl behind her ear, head nodding to the music, and she was at ease.
That was the Lynne that he knew—-a glimmer of her, at least, a trace of the sweetness and strength he fell for. There was a strange flipping sensation in his chest—-was it hope? Was there a chance? Reiner dismissed the thought. He wasn't sure what he was hoping for. It was foolish.
Lynn met his golden eyes and her smile quickly faded.
"Should we move on?" She said half heartedly.
Reiner nodded wordlessly and continued to trail behind her.
Most of their day continued in this way, with few words exchanged, quiet looks and timid glances, surrounded by tension and hurt that could be cut with a knife. All the while, Reiner was guilty knowing that to a certain point, he was enjoying himself.
Lynne was magnetic. She noticed the little things where others failed, she was polite and sweet and enjoyed all that was around her. He watched the golden sun shine on her, filter through her hair, bring life and color to her vibrant cheeks. It was nice knowing that she could feel that way, find joy, even if it wasn't with or for him.
They wandered through every street, taking in the sights and sounds, and the sun began to set in the sky. As golden lanterns on every corner sprung to life and the festival's evening activities began, both of the former soldiers found themselves deeply knit into a complex silence, an unsaid understanding as they went down the shadowy backstreets and the tension seemed to grow.
Lynne was unsure of herself, scared of how she seemed to relax around Reiner. She felt the uncertainty and pain throbbing inside her, running through her bones and to the tips of her fingers.
Reiner's throat tightened as he found himself wandering away from the bustle in the street—some puppet show, and a dance troupe marching in straight lines. Sweat ran down his temple, the heat of the day finally catching up to him, and he soon stood still, searching for relief in the slight breeze as the sky darkened.
Reiner and Lynne found themselves far from the main square, on a quiet street, secluded from all others. The buildings stood tall and Lynne's heart ached for her home, where the houses were so different, where walls seemed to soar impossibly high.
She wouldn't have been here if it wasn't for Reiner. For better and worse, he had changed her life. It was a strange feeling, loving someone so much, even after they hurt you so deeply. Fuck—did she love him?
Lynne fanned herself idly as they stood, staring at the cobblestone walls in silence.
Reiner couldn't take it anymore. She was almost like a stranger, but he still cared for her, far too much. He had kept his eyes, mind, and heart on anything but the woman in front of him for most of the day, but a small part of him knew that every remaining moment may be his last with her. He wondered if she'd ever come back to Marley again. He wondered if by the next time she did, there would be a ring on her finger. Maybe that would be for the best.
Reiner finally let himself see Lynne, and he caught her eye. His knees buckled and he fell to the pavement, looking up at her.
The street lamps lit the back of her head like a halo, and in that moment Reiner knew she was angel.
"I'm so sorry," he said, voice low and his breathing ragged. "I'm sorry, Lynne, for everything. I know it's beyond repair. If I could change—anything from before, I would." His palms brushed the pavement, his eyes shining in the dim light and swimming in despair.
Lynne's lips parted in surprise, her eyes watering, and a sob escaped from her throat.
"Oh, Reiner.." The words came out far gentler than she intended, in a half whisper that nearly broke his heart. "Reiner, I can't… do this." Her vision blurred from the tears, and she tried to wipe them as they came.
"I don't want anything from you," Reiner shook his head. "I don't ever have to speak to you again."
"No," Lynne sniffled, frustrated. Heat seared in her throat, emotions brimming to the surface and on the verge of overflowing. "I love you, y'know. I can't stop. I want to, I can't—I love you, Reiner, but I don't know if I can forgive you."
"I wouldn't," Reiner said. He wanted to comfort her so badly, but he wouldn't dare to try. He wanted to stay on the pavement, lower than her, close to the ground like the rest of the bugs and vermin of the city. "I'll go away. Wherever you go, I promise.. I'll be on the other end of the world. I don't—w-want to hurt you, Lynne," he grit his teeth, fists clenched as he forced himself to speak.
He was in pain. His blonde hair was disheveled, stubble covered his chin and neck, and Lynne wondered if Reiner bothered to take care of himself anymore. He was a man defeated, beyond hope.
"You have so much," Reiner said solemnly. "You've made a life for yourself, you deserve to. Everything I've done—" he winced at the thought. "Has ruined others, our comrades, helpless innocents.. I couldn't forgive myself either. I don't blame you. You owe me nothing. "
Reiner's voice hardened as he tried to persuade himself that this was right. Lynne was never his, she couldn't be.
Tears streamed down her face as she looked down at him. Her chest ached, growing from a dull throb to a piercing sting that went through her with his every word.
"I want to love you." Her eyelids were heavy, her limbs aching. "I wish I could." She wiped her face again, cheeks burning as she glanced over her shoulder to see if they were still alone. She couldn't stand how vulnerable she felt in front of him, how her guard had finally worn down. "There's just.. so much history behind us."
Silence and stillness returned. Reiner still knelt before her, his expression dark and troubled, his mouth dry. He felt the rough, cold pavement, and the wind on the nape of his neck. Lynne was standing so still, her expression so hurt, that Reiner thought she would walk away from him at any moment, compelling him to speak again, if for the last time.
"I know the rest of the world is trying to find its way," Reiner mumbled. "I know that things have changed for good. Others have forgiven me, in some way, and you have every right to hate me. My sins are beyond saving." Reiner wet his lips and took a breath as the words began to pour out of him. "But… if you were to go on the rest of your life hating me, I know that I'd be marked forever by that guilt. I'd be a soiled, ruined man, forever. Your opinion of me is all that matters. I'd give anything to start over. I want to love you too."
Lynne looked down at him with wide, sad eyes, shocked. She'd never seen Reiner so torn up like this. Maybe he just hid it well. He'd spent so much of his life in torment.
Reiner's eyelids were heavy, and his knees ached, but he couldn't bring himself to stand. He only stared up at Lynne and memorized the pattern of every curl on her head.
Lynne's hand reached out to him automatically, and though she longed to stroke his cheek, she waited for him to shake it.
"Then… let's start over," she breathed.
Reiner swallowed, and grasped her hand, so much smaller and softer than his, but firm, and sure. He rose to his feet, soon towering over her, almost stumbling.
"It's nice to meet you," she said. "I'm Lynne."
"M-my name is Reiner," he croaked. His pupils were blown, his heart racing as he finally allowed himself to take in her beauty, her familiarity, her warmth. "It's nice to meet you too, Lynne."