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Will knew what it meant to cough up petals. He knew that to get them, he was in love, the deepest love you could ever feel. The kind of love that’s supposed to feel light, easy. The only way you get them is when you’re in too deep, when you can’t will your feelings away, where you can’t just force it down. And he knew exactly who they were for.
James.
James, his best friend of seven years. James, who he regularly makes videos with. Who he shares a coffee company with, who he spends most of his time with.
James, who has a girlfriend.
Persi is one of the best people Will has ever met. She’s smart and funny, she’s been nothing but kind to Will as long as he’s known her. He doesn’t hate her, he never could. He couldn’t ever imagine blaming her for this. It’s his own fault, he knows it is.
They weren’t stupid, they knew people on the internet wanted them together. But instead of letting it ruin their friendship, they decided to play into it. James dived right in, making most of the jokes. He would always ask Will off camera to tell him if he went overboard, and they could completely shut down the speculation if he wanted to. Will denied. He thought it would look worse if they denied it. There’s nothing wrong with being gay, that’s not the kind of message he wanted to put out there. Especially when he’s not out to the internet.
But somewhere between all the jokes, it stopped being a joke for Will.
The jokes were a way to confess to James without actually doing so. If he ever went too far, he could play it off. If James kept it going, he could pretend, just for a brief moment, that it was real. But then the cameras turn off, and he’s thrown back into reality, especially whenever James mentions having plans with Persi after.
A routine has developed over the past few weeks. They film the video, James gives him a hug when he leaves, and Will goes to the toilet to cough up the petals that he’s been swallowing the whole video. Despite the petals, when James invites him out for coffee after, he’ll always say yes. He wants to spend as much time with James as possible.
Even if it kills him.
Will tried to hide it, he didn’t want to burden anyone else with the knowledge, but he always knew it would be impossible to hide it forever.
The first to find out was Ieuan.
Will’s surprised it didn’t happen sooner, really. They work together, in the same building. It was inevitable for him to find out eventually.
The disease was getting worse, Will could tell. He barely made it to the bathroom when he started coughing and petals fell. He collapsed in front of the toilet, letting the flowers roughly come out of him.
When he stood up to wash his hands and face in the sink, he looked in the mirror to see Ieuan standing behind him in the doorway, holding one of the petals.
“James,” Ieuan says, a statement, not questioning.
“Ieuan, please don’t-,”
“I’m not telling him,” Ieuan says sadly, throwing the petal into the toilet. He’s quiet for a moment before making eye contact with Will. “I’m going to miss you,” He says, before leaving Will alone.
The statement hit Will’s chest, it was that statement that made him realize just what he was going through, what was going to happen to him. He slides down the wall, wrapping his arms around his legs.
He was going to die.
And there’s nothing he could do about it.
His friends all found out one by one after that.
Aby gave him a look when he came in one day, one filled with sorrow. She gave him a hug when he was leaving that same day, right after he left the bathroom. She didn’t say anything, she didn’t have to.
Harry, Chris, and Stephen all found out over video call, when he lost control of the flowers. They let it go in the moment, moving on quickly, but asked questions as soon as the cameras stopped filming. Chris tried to fight him on his decision.
“There’s no use, Chris,” Harry says softly. “He’s made up his mind.” Stephen turned his camera off, Chris tried to control his tears. Will was grateful to Harry for speaking up in that moment, even though he knew Harry wanted to fight him on it also, but Chris seemed to always listen to Harry.
“Can we at least be there?” Chris asks tearfully. He didn’t have to say it. They knew.
Will’s quiet for a moment before he says, “Yes.” It was the first time he’s acknowledged it out loud, and the realizations don’t get any easier.
George finds him in the bathroom on a night out, Will’s mistake this night was not closing the stall door.
“Mate, you’ve been in here for a while, are you-,” George gets cut off when he gets to Will, seeing the petals around and in the toilet bowl. “Oh.”
Will looks up at George. “Yeah,” he says. “Oh.”
The worst was Mia. If there was one person he didn’t want to find out after James, it would be her.
Mia was over at his house for a quick hangout. They’ve created a wonderful friendship out of the break up, and Will is eternally grateful for her accepting him. She made a joke about something on the TV, which caused Will to laugh. The laugh unfortunately made him cough, which triggered the flowers. He started choking, and ran to the bathroom.
“Will?” Mia asks, her voice filled with worry. “Are you okay?” He realizes that she’s following him, and that she’s now about to find out. He doesn’t have time to worry about it as he collapses in front of the toilet. Mia kneels beside him, a hand rubbing his back. He coughs up the petals, hearing Mia’s “Oh, my God,” in response.
When the spell is over, he rests his head on his arm.
“Will,” Mia whispers. “Will, you have to tell him.”
Will lets out a bitter laugh at that. “I would if it would fix anything.”
Will watches as the realization hits Mia. “James?”
Will doesn’t say anything, but Mia’s eyes fill with tears.
“You’re not just going to let yourself die, are you? There’s a surgery, there’s still confessing to James just to see. You’re not just giving up, you can’t,” Mia says, tears streaming down her face.
“If I could get the surgery, I would,” Will says. “It’s too late now.”
Mia’s face crumbles, and she surges forward, wrapping Will in a hug. She sobs into his shoulder. The last time he was hugged like this was by her, in this apartment, when they were unsure what their lives would look like without each other, when they thought they would lose each other. She’s holding him the same way, except with the knowledge that she will lose him this time. For good.
Will just held her back.
The night it happened, Will was in his own house. Mia hadn’t left since that night, not wanting to leave him alone.
They were watching TV on the couch, and Will felt the familiar tickling in his throat. He gets up and goes to the bathroom, standard procedure at this point. But something felt off today, because as soon as it started, Will could tell it wasn’t going to stop. He usually could, he could feel the flowers in his chest lessen, but that wasn’t happening today. Today, his chest tightened with every cough.
“Mia!” Will managed to cough out, the flowers muffling him. He hears Mia run in. In his peripheral vision he sees her, and knows that she knows.
“Today?” She whispers, and Will manages a nod through his coughing.
“The…chat…” Will coughs out, and Mia runs back to the living room to get her phone. The day Mia decided to stay, Will had her create a group chat of everyone who asked to be there when it happened. Ieuan, Aby, Stephen, Harry, George, Chris. Mia comes back into the bathroom, kneeling beside Will, placing her phone on the floor.
“I’ve texted them,” Mia says. “I texted James, too.”
Will whips his head up at that. “What?”
“I didn’t tell him what was happening, just that it was very urgent,” Mia says, tears welling up in her eyes. “You would want to know. If it was James, you would want a chance to say goodbye.” Mia’s voice cracks on ‘goodbye’, and Will doesn’t fight her on it. He couldn’t if he wanted.
Mia comforted him as they waited for everyone else, rubbing his back to help with the cough. She lays her head down on his shoulder.
“Thank you,” she says through her tears. “Thank you for being there for me, thank you for the years we spent together. You’re a dear friend to me. I love you, truly. I’m going to miss you more than I could ever express.”
Will lets his tears fall as he hears that. He thinks about the fact that he let the disease get this bad, that he didn’t get the surgery just because he didn’t want to lose his love for James. He feels selfish, because he didn’t think about his friends. He didn’t think about how it was going to affect them. It’s now, when it’s too late, that he regrets his decision.
Eventually, his friends all arrive, and they all pile into the bathroom. Mia gets up so everyone else can say their goodbyes. He regrets his decision more and more with every friend that talks to him.
They hear his apartment door open and shut, and they all quiet, knowing who it is. James.
James and Persi appear in the doorway, both of their faces filled with worry. James looks at Will, seeing the petals. Persi gasps when she also sees them. They both rush in, kneeling on both sides of Will.
“Who?” James asks Will. “Who is it?”
Will is silent as he looks at James, and the realization dawns on James.
“...Me?”
Persi gasps on Will’s other side. Will sees James’ eyes fill with tears.
“Why didn’t you say anything?”
“There’s no point,” Will says, then coughs up more petals. “You don’t love me.”
The room is silent apart from Will’s coughing.
“Are you sure?” Will hears Persi ask. He looks at her, and sees tears streaming down her face. She’s looking directly at James. “Are you sure you don’t feel anything for him?”
James shakes his head, a tear falling. “I…I don’t-,”
“Please,” Persi begs. “Please, James. Anything, just anything.”
James shakes his head again. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”
Persi places a kiss on Will’s temple, and then hugs him.
“Thank you for being there for James,” Persi says. “Thank you for everything you’ve ever done for him. Thank you for being you.”
James bends down, kissing Will’s other temple. “I’m sorry,” he whispers. “I’m sorry I can’t love you the way you need me to.”
The last thing Will sees is James, the last thing Will hears is James. The last thing he feels is not being able to breathe.
And then darkness.