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The Doctor stepped out of his TARDIS on a quiet night in 2008. A luxurious restaurant lay before him, large and spacious. Families were everywhere, and in some corners, happy couples were dining. It was among them that he saw Martha Jones. His former partner was at a table alone, probably waiting for her new partner. Her hair was loose, straight and adorned, and a beautiful green dress that draped perfectly over her body.She was beautiful, truly stunning, and he smiled wistfully as he watched her from outside the restaurant. She still had the same grace as always, looking around completely oblivious to his gaze on her, smiling in awe at the beauty of the establishment. The doctor felt tears welling up in his eyes, but he rubbed them away before they fell. He truly missed her, that joy and wonder at the simple details of the world so natural to her, that beautiful smile she gave each new world or time they visited,his beautiful star, Martha Jones.
But as if a cruel reminder from the universe, her new partner appeared, greeting her and sitting at the table with her. Tom Milligan, though he didn't know why, the doctor had decided he definitely didn't like this man. And it didn't help his judgment that Martha's smile seemed to shine even brighter with her table companion. The two of them were talking calmly and laughing nonstop, they seemed happy... and somewhere deep down the doctor, this depressed him far more than it angered him, but at that moment, all he could hear was his anger speaking. Every little wink Tom gave her, or when he took her hand, or when he simply smiled enchantedly at her made him want to throw everything away, storm into this restaurant, and take Martha from him, taking her back to the TARDIS, but he knew she would never accept that. Her home was no longer with him, perhaps it never had been…The thought of it definitely hurt!The doctor knew he should go now; he'd been watching the two of them longer than he should have, but he couldn't leave, couldn't look away from that carefree laughter and the passionate looks they shared. What was he doing? Why was he torturing himself by watching all of this, and why was it torture in the first place? Maybe he knew the answer, but he didn't want to admit it, nor was he ready to admit it. They were having dinner now, but still chatting, as if it were routine, something they were used to, and the mere thought of it made him ill! What were they talking about so much anyway?
Remembering one of the devices he kept in his pocket for listening through walls, he decided to put it to good use right now. Not that he was snooping on his ex-partner's life for any particular reason; he was just checking in on her; you never knew when Martha would need rescuing from a bad date! (Or so he wanted to believe.) Adjusting the machine, he configured it to hear Martha and her partner at that table, just their audio. They were talking about their respective medical careers and how they had evolved. The doctor felt a pang of longing once again. He was the one who used to listen to Martha talk about her experiences and hopes as a future doctor, hours and hours of conversation so easy and calm, and he was sure he would never tire of her melodious voice. God, how he missed her! More than he wanted to believe, he loved traveling with Donna, she was wonderful and quickly became his best friend, but ever since Martha left the TARDIS a void had formed in his hearts, an empty black hole that could be filled by no one but her. It was so similar to what Rose left and yet so different and he couldn't find it in himself to explain these feelings. Looking at Martha at that moment, he saw how happy she was and that the emptiness he felt without her was certainly unrequited. She actually seemed much more radiant without him around, and the thought made his stomach turn. Of course, it was his fault. After everything he'd done to her, just thinking about what she'd become because of him...she'd never truly find true happiness with him, perhaps none of them would. Was it possible that somewhere in an alternate dimension, Rose was much happier without him, or that one day Donna would leave him to feel truly happy? Shaking his head, he tried to compose himself; this line of reasoning never ended well.
Once again, he wondered what he was doing there. Being there only made him question everything he was, but after all, that was what Martha did, wasn't it? She always made him question who he really was. He smiled sadly; the one thing he could never question was how much she mattered to him. And that was one of the real reasons he was there. She still mattered a lot to him, and he couldn't stand not seeing her for so long (he knew stopping the TARDIS near her every full moon wasn't exactly a healthy or normal way to be near her, but when had he ever been either of those things?). He'd been secretly observing how her relationship with Tom unfolded, which made him sick and want to throw the poor man into a vortex, but he had to watch. Martha might need him at some point (maybe he wanted her to need him as much as he needed her), and he had to be ready. A simple 2000s telephone is primitive technology that could fail at any moment, especially aboard the TARDIS. She could call him and it wouldn't even reach him. So, he figured it would be more practical and effective, given how much he missed her, to keep a close eye on her. Listening to their conversation, the doctor noticed a nervous tone in Martha's partner. He seemed more jittery in this particular encounter (he wouldn't admit he'd witnessed their previous encounters before to base this comparison on). Watching him through the glass, he could see his body language also revealed nervousness. His leg bounced under the table, and he gestured frantically with his hands as he spoke.
The doctor had a bad feeling about this, but instead of taking it as a sign to leave, he thought it might be an even greater reason to stay. Martha also seemed to notice his nervousness, as the good observer she was, and questioned him about it. Tom tried to pretend he wasn't even nervous, but of course it was no use. The doctor almost laughed at how he'd actually thought Martha wouldn't notice. How naive! (Even though it was hypocritical, since he'd tried to lie to Martha about how he felt several times, he was still better at it than Tom! After all, he was only human.) Finally giving in, Tom told her he had something important to ask, which brought both Martha and the doctor to full attention. He grabbed Martha's hands under the table, a gesture that made the doctor gasp and almost instinctively hit the glass. But he caught himself before he did so. He looked her straight in the eye, still looking uncertain, as he declared how much he loved her, which made Martha smile and the doctor roll his eyes. God, this guy was needy. Did he really have to keep confessing his feelings all the time? It felt like a satire, with the doctor having trouble with those three words. Perhaps what really irritated him was that for the young man it came so naturally and consistently, while for him it was very difficult after everything he had lost, but then again he wouldn't be giving points to Martha's partner there. After his speech of eternal love, Tom finally got to the question he'd been so nervous to ask. This time, he rose from his seat and approached Martha and knelt. She watched him in surprise, also seeming nervous, and beneath it all, the doctor was sure he heard her heart racing while his own shattered! He knew what was going to happen now, he knew how much it would destroy him. Why didn't he just leave? Why was he still standing there watching this unfold? Why had he been doing this for months? Tom took a small box from his pocket and opened it, revealing a ring, finally asking Martha if she would marry him. The world seemed to stop in that instant, for both Martha and the doctor, but for very different reasons. The doctor looked at them pleadingly and shook his head vehemently, begging in a tearful voice, , "Please, please no!" as if they could hear or see him there! And he knew deep down that even if they did, they wouldn't pay attention to him, but he couldn't help it. Martha's eyes filled with bright tears as she smiled the biggest smile the doctor had ever seen on her face. She nodded before shouting "YES" and throwing herself into Tom's arms. He held her tightly back, and looking closely, he could see tears of joy streaming down his face too. He was so happy to have Martha as his bride now! It took the doctor a few minutes to notice that tears were streaming down his eyes too, but these weren't tears of joy.
This time, wiping them was no use. He couldn't stop. The tears fell more and more, beyond his control. Frustrated, he covered his face with his hands and let out a small scream that almost no one heard. The few who heard and saw him walked right past, thinking it best not to bother him, and they were right. He would probably yell at any poor soul who tried to help him. Tom grabbed Martha, who was still in his arms, and spun her around in his airy embrace. She laughed and hugged him tighter. The doctor had a slight déjà vu, seeing himself in Tom's place, when he hugged Martha like that, when she laughed with him like that, when he was the source of those enchanted looks. Finally, unable to take it anymore, he stepped away from the glass and put his listening device back in his pocket. Still transfixed by Tom and Martha's joy, he watched the rest of the restaurant applaud, and Martha seemed embarrassed, but Tom only had eyes for her, seemingly oblivious to the people around him. At the height of his happiness, he kissed her, not even caring who was watching. Every time the Doctor saw the two kissing, he would become enraged and he had to control himself a lot to not destroy an entire planet with all his fury! He hated himself for knowing deep down that it broke his hearts far more than it angered him! He hated himself for having done all this to himself! But he always tried to forget it when he returned to watch them. In that moment, seeing the two of them in the restaurant, that kiss didn't fill him with hatred like the others, but it broke what was left of the Time Lord's hearts. Tom placed the ring on Martha's finger, kissing her hand gently, and the shine of that jewel could have blinded the doctor with so much pain. He took one last look at Martha, smiling endlessly and kissing her partner once more. Then the doctor ran away, faster and faster, as he always did. He wanted to disappear forever, he wanted to be thrown into the vortex himself, he wanted to somehow end his regeneration without the chance of another!
He arrived at the TARDIS in distress, trying to take deep breaths but barely able to breathe normally. He was hyperventilating, he was panicking, he couldn't calm down, the images of what had happened in the restaurant replaying in his mind, making him increasingly breathless. Combined with the inhuman way he had run there, he felt like he was going to pass out at any moment and wanted to remain unconscious. He felt a psychic touch in his mind, the TARDIS trying to calm him, he heard Martha's sweet voice "It's okay, doctor, it's going to be okay." He slammed his fist hard against the console of his ship. "STOP IT!" he screamed at the top of his lungs (later he would thank Donna's bedroom door for being soundproof so she couldn't hear this).
He finally collapsed in front of the console soon after and cried inconsolably, every tear of despair he'd been holding back all these months of seeing Martha committed to someone else and all the pain of her no longer being by his side. He couldn't bear to feel her emptiness anymore, and he finally expanded to the point where he felt nothing but pain in his chest. He wanted to scream, kick something, punch the floor repeatedly, and tell her it was unfair, but he knew it wasn't. It was only fair after everything he'd done to her. She deserved to be happy. He wanted her to be very, very happy, but how much it hurt to think of her being happy with someone else! God, was this how Martha felt in 1913? When his human self, John Smith, ran after Nurse Joan Redfern? He finally knew what it was like to love someone unrequitedly, and the reality of it hurt more than he could bear! Martha was so strong for having endured all that for him! He missed her so much... The TARDIS gave him another mental caress to calm him, and slowly he was able to breathe normally again, even though his eyes were red from crying. "It's going to be okay, Doctor. I'm here with you." Martha's voice softly whispered in his head again, and he flinched. "Why?" he asked in a crackling voice. "Why do you keep using HER voice to talk to me? Don't you understand? This isn't helping me! This isn't a comfort, it's just an annoying reminder that she's gone... and she's never coming back!" He said, raising his voice slightly, desperate and helpless. "I miss her too, my thief..." the TARDIS said, still in Martha's voice, but more hurt this time, "but you have no control over her life. You have to accept that she's gone like..."
"No!" he interrupted, sensing what she was going to say. "It wasn't like Rose, she... she's prevented from returning to me, and I can't return to her, but Martha, she chose to leave. She chose to continue her life while I can't handle mine, and she moved on with someone who may deserve her much more than I do." he shivered, the glow of that ring seemed to shine through his retinas, as bright as a burning red dot that set both of his hearts on fire. He knew for sure he would feel horrible if he found out Rose had moved on without him, but he would never see her doing that. He could see Martha doing it, and after losing Rose, he couldn't lose her too. He couldn't help but stay close to her, even from a distance. He couldn't lose anyone more than him... oh! "It took you too long to realize, didn't it?" Martha's mocking voice came from the TARDIS, and it sounded SO similar to her playful voice that he had to hold back from bursting into tears again. He refused to admit the origin of his feelings for Martha. He refused to admit that everything about her and Tom's relationship bothered him far more than it worried him as a friend. He refused to admit that even after meeting Donna, he still spied on Martha's life for a reason much greater than keeping her safe or out of guilt for what she had become because of him. He... loved her! He truly loved her. He truly understood how she felt about him before, more than he initially thought. The realization hit him like a lightning bolt. All this time he'd pushed Martha away because of what they might become, afraid to admit it all. But here, after all that, he couldn't deny it anymore. He'd loved her all along! The denial he'd held inside him for so long was completely shattered when he saw Martha that night. There was no longer any way to pretend he didn't have those feelings for her, and to think he'd thought he'd be better with her than he had with Rose! Ironic how things happen, he remembers how they were afraid that by continuing to live even after they perished years later, he would forget about them, when it was the exact opposite, they lived their lives, eventually having to move on without him, they had a family and were happy, they lived the peak of their lives without him and would not even remember when they saw the stars with him, because they lived something much brighter in real time. And he would live forever missing them, and now, it was as if there was a different loss for each heart, but for them, their hearts were covered in joy and peace. He leaned his head against his console in defeat. It was at times like these that he envied the strength of humans! Suddenly, he heard footsteps behind him.
"Spaceman?" Donna asked through a yawn. The Doctor stood up immediately, rubbing his eyes lightly and thankful that the darkness in the TARDIS obscured the redness around them. "Donna, you're awake," he said simply, a little hoarse from overusing his voice. Donna then looked at him, really looked at him, he had a smile that he clearly didn't have the energy to be genuine and that hurt to maintain, his hair was completely messed up more than usual and she couldn't see the redness around his eyes from crying so much in the darkness of the TARDIS and the night but she could perfectly read the tiredness and sadness in his eyes. She could always read him very well and the Doctor hated that! She approached him looking at him carefully "What happened spaceman?” "What are you talking about? Nothing happened! Everything's great! The old girl just needed to recharge one more time!" The TARDIS buzzed in denial and the Doctor mentally scolded her again. Every time he sneaked over to spy on Martha on Earth, he would give Donna the excuse that the TARDIS needed to recharge, but his ship never helped him with this lie, always finding a way to deny it in front of Donna when he said it. And for this reason, Donna was always suspicious of what he really did on all those nights, but she knew that this was one of his ‘mysteries’ and trusted that he would tell her when he felt like it, even though it irritated her how much he really thought he was deceiving her in some way! "Don't try to lie to me, brain box, I know there's something wrong with you, I can see how exhausted you look! What happened? Why are you like this?" The Doctor, still forcing a smile, began to take a few steps away from Donna, which she noticed and wanted to slap him, but she knew that for him to be avoiding talking even to her, it meant that something was REALLY making him suffer and she chose to empathize with him instead of anger with him. "I'm fine, Donna, really, I'm very well!" he told her in a voice he hoped was convincing (it wasn't, not at all) and he could hear the TARDIS humming "liar" in his head and the fact that it was still with Martha's voice made him shake his head frantically as if he could erase that voice from his head. He could block the TARDIS mentally but he didn't want to do that to her and even worse do that when she had Martha's voice but at that moment it hurt too much to hear her talking to him! Donna noticed his distress as he shook his head and approached him, while he was busy in that state, the doctor was startled when he realized she had come close to him, since he hadn't even noticed her approaching.
"Doctor?" She asked quietly looking at him worriedly, Seeing the genuine concern in her eyes, he wilted and shivered. Donna was his best friend, and he didn't like hiding things from her, but how was he going to explain everything that was going through his head right now? Worse, how was he going to let himself have the comfort he didn't deserve after everything he did to Martha and think he had any right to feel bad when he saw that she was with someone else who made her much happier than him? When he realized he loved her only after he had already lost her? "Talk to her," the TARDIS said gently, in a voice that sounded SO reminiscent of the voice Martha used when she comforted him. "She's still here for you, I'm still here for you, you have to enjoy this after all, it's what the child would want, she wants to see you as happy as she is now," she reinforced, and the Doctor felt that mental affection again. "And just because she's not here anymore doesn't mean she's gone, no one who's ever been aboard me has ever really gone, and just because she's with someone else doesn't mean she stopped loving you." Tears fell from the Doctor's eyes again, and he had already lost count of how many times that night this had happened. "You'll never leave her heart, just like she'll never leave yours, but now you have to let her go. You said it was her choice to leave, it has to be your choice to let her go!” The doctor began to tremble dramatically and hugged himself, with nothing but pure helplessness in his ancient, tear-filled eyes. "I don't want her to go... I don't want..." He fell to his knees again. To anyone who saw how Donna was from the outside, it looked like he was having a panic attack or that he was stuck in some bad memory he couldn't shake and was paralyzed by it! She began to shake the doctor gently, frightened that he was like this. In the doctor's mind, an echo repeated itself: "She's gone, she's gone, she's gone, she's gone..."The doctor could feel his breath start to falter again! He had to choose to let her go. It wouldn't be like Rose, who he couldn't see. He had to CHOOSE not to see her anymore! He wouldn't do it, he couldn't do it! He still needed her so much, he would never stop needing her! "But she doesn't need you!" the echo repeated cruelly, he was on the verge of collapsing, "She's gone, she's gone, she's gone, she's gone, she's gone!" That echo repeated endlessly in his head, the voice of the TARDIS suddenly overshadowed these echoes in his disturbed mind, "Doctor, stay calm, you're scaring her!" she said in alarm, the Doctor suddenly came to himself groggily, as if his panic state was a nightmare where he was trapped and finally managed to free himself, "Martha...?" he asked in a trembling whisper, so used to her pulling him out of his inner terrors and with the TARDIS still carrying her voice, it was as if for a few seconds the numbness had made his mind blur everything, but then regaining consciousness he could actually see Donna in front of him, frightened, shaking him and calling his name.
"Doctor!" she called and he grabbed one of her hands that was gripping his shoulders. "I'm okay, Donna, I'm here," he said, catching his breath, trying to reassure her. She sighed in relief and then punched him hard in the arm. "OUCH!" he yelled. "Don't ever scare me like that again!" she yelled back angrily, but the doctor could understand that she was just very worried about him, so he just pulled her into a hug, which she quickly returned. "You big Martian idiot! What's going on in that big head of yours anyway?" "A lot..." he replied sadly, burying his face in her shoulders, and she let him, knowing he needed this right now. She just let him go and lightly massaged his back. "I'm sorry about all this, Donna. I didn't mean to scare you..." he said, his face still buried in her shoulder. "It's okay. I'll still be bugging you about this for a long time, but the important thing is that you're okay!" The doctor shuddered. "I admit that 'okay' is a very strong word." Donna laughed softly. "Really? I didn't even realize!" The doctor laughed a little too, and Donna was glad for that, at least. "You're not going to tell me what's hurting you so much, are you?" she asked. The doctor thought about the shine of that wedding ring again. How long it would take for that to not be a giant red dot in his vision! Donna didn't have to listen to his lamentations. He didn't deserve comfort, and neither did she deserve to hear about his suffering. To humans, he certainly looked like a teenager. "When I'm ready, I promise I'll tell you." He wasn't sure if that was true, Donna didn't seem to either. "You trust me, don't you?" he asked. Donna rolled her eyes. "You want the honest answer to that?" she teased. The doctor hummed a little more excitedly. She pulled away from the hug to look him in the eye. "Of course I trust you, you idiot!" He smiled at her, for the first time that night, for real. Then, thinking of something that terrified him, he asked, "Donna... do you promise you won't forget me?" She was not surprised and confused by that question. "Where did that come from?" she asked. He just looked at her, his eyes shining with tears and sadness and something else there...
"Please, just answer me." She took a deep breath and looked at him seriously, then gave him a warm smile. "How could I forget you?" Her question seemed genuine and full of affection at the same time, as if she couldn't forget him anyway, but that wasn't what the doctor thought. "Everyone does, most of them before I tell them I love them," he replies, his voice hoarse and tearful. Donna thinks she understands in part; he probably missed one or both of his old companions, perhaps that's what keeps him coming back to earth these nights. "I promise," she replies, holding his hand. "I hate to admit it, you skinny thing, but you're my best friend and you always will be. There's no way I could forget you!" she says simply, sincere, practical, that's what he liked about her! Even though he knew she was telling the truth, he still couldn't quite believe it. "You're my best friend too, Donna, and you're important to me. I want you to know that now," he says, also very sincere. She smiles and gives his hand a light squeeze. "Now, can we travel without you acting all weird like this?" she teases, helping him up. And he smiles, "Allonz-y!" He responds a little more enthusiastically, looking one last time at the TARDIS door, he sighs, knowing the choice he would have to make from then on. "It's going to be okay," Martha's voice whispers in his head and he knows it's the TARDIS's, but he could pretend it's hers calming him down, just this once.