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Neil reaches into his pocket for his key, carefully balancing his takeout in his other hand, only to realise it´s not there. Then he searches in his other pockets, discovering it´s not there either. It would be fucking his luck of course, to lock himself out the one weekend Maya is away. And he hadn´t given Rupert his spare yet, mostly because his spare was still at Olly´s.
Neil briefly considers sleeping outside or crashing at a pal’s until Maya comes home but then remembers she won´t be home for a few days. He sits down against his front door, grateful for the little doormat Olly had put there and looks for Olly´s contact information as if he didn´t know it off by heart. He hovers over the call button for a good fifteen minutes and then opts to just text him. That feels safer somehow, and if he breaks down over that at least Olly won´t see or hear him.
He stresses over what he should put into the message and almost decides to sleep outside after all. But then he remembers his friends and Maya won´t let him live that one down and writes a simple and short text. Wonders how to end it, then decides to put his name at the end in case Olly deleted his number.
Are you in town? Could you bring me my key? - Neil
Olly’s heart beats a little faster when he sees Neil has texted him and then it breaks once he reads it. Of course Neil wants his key back because he is over Olly. He will never want him again and has moved on and probably has a new boyfriend to give his fucking key to. So now he needs his spare back. Obviously.
His hands shake a little when he types his reply. But damn it, he is going to be mature about this and if Neil has moved on, Olly will show him how much he has moved on too. Neil doesn’t have to know he hasn’t and that his attempt to was a disaster. He’ll just tell Neil how fucking great he is doing and give him his stupid key back. It’s not like Olly has any use for it anyway. Not anymore.
I’ll be at yours in twenty.
He takes a look at himself in the mirror and decides to change his shirt. He quickly looks through his closet for a shirt he knows Neil liked on him and puts it on. Then he fixes his hair a bit and puts on the aftershave Neil had bought him. He hadn't used it in months, Olly notes sadly as he rushes out the door.
Neil’s chest hurts again at the cold tone of Olly’s message. But, why would it be anything but cold? It’s not like Olly fucking felt anything for him anymore or gave an actual fuck. Olly probably had stopped caring a long time ago, when Neil saw him making out with some other bloke. Not giving a damn whether Neil could see or not. Not caring that he fucking broke Neil’s heart.
The worst part is that Neil still cared so much. It was unbearable that Olly had moved on, and Neil was still holding on to him and everything they shared 6 months later. It didn’t seem fair or right that he had to hurt this much when he had given Olly everything thing he could. When all he wanted, and still did, was to love him.
That night he had planned to ask Olly to move in together. It seemed so fucking stupid now. Olly hadn’t even cared about breaking Neil’s heart. He just did it like it was nothing, like what they had didn’t mean anything to him. It probably didn’t. Neil figured he should probably keep his spare key, give it to someone else. So he could avoid Olly for the rest of his fucking life.
Olly is consumed with nerves as he approaches Neil’s flat, and laughs a little at himself for still remembering all the steps and little details about this place. He hadn’t been there… since the breakup really. Apart from the few times he had gotten drunk and missed Neil particularly much. He walked past a few times then, to see if there was any sign of life but hadn’t had the courage to go inside. It seemed so strange to walk there again, to climb the stairs like he and Neil used to, minus Neil beside him and their standard hand holding, just to have that final goodbye. If he wasn’t so fucking stupid, he’d have gotten this over with months ago. But foolish Olly just had to keep on hoping for something that would never fucking happen. As if Neil would ever want him back. He wouldn’t, not after what Olly did. No, Olly deserved this and Neil deserved to be happy.
He sees Neil sitting against his door and he’s not sure what to say. Especially not when he sees the bag of takeaway from their place and Neil wearing his black and gold jumper. It shocks him a little and forces him to rethink the situation. He feels so horribly unprepared for it now.
He takes a deep breath, “That’s my jumper?” He says and gives Neil a questioning look. Neil looks down, and then quickly gets up.
“Do you want it back?” He asks quickly, and Olly’s not sure if he’s imagining Neil’s sad tone or not.
“It’s fine.” Olly shakes his head and gives Neil a small smile, “I have your key with me.” He reaches into his pocket and curses himself from not taking it off his key ring before he approached Neil. Neil had bought it for him, the little heart and bear just after they met. He had seen it in a dollar store when they were walking around the venue they were playing that night. Olly had commented that he thought it was cute and Neil immediately went inside to buy it.
Olly feels so fucking stupid about leaving it on. Because now he is fumbling and struggling to get it off while Neil watches him. He feels so emberassed about the entire situation, with this dumb key ring that won’t fucking go off and that Neil didn't need to see again.
Neil had assumed Olly would have thrown away this key ring, that he would have thrown away any reminder of Neil because he clearly didn't want him. He watches Olly struggle and sees the pained and nervous look on his face. He smiles at him sadly and speaks up, trying to sound calm but failing to hide his nerves.
“You-” Neil sounds nervous, so unlike the guy Olly knew, “You don’t have to take it off… I just locked myself out and,” He laughs a little, “Maya isn’t in town and you’re the only one who has a spare key.” He looks scared and it kills Olly to see. He hands over his keys without a word.
Neil’s hands shake a little when he takes the keys from Olly’s hands. His heart beats a little faster than it should and the pain in his chest that he has almost gotten used to is there again. It’s hard for him to speak, but he manages to say something really softly.
“Do you want to come inside? I’ve gotten too much takeaway anyway.” He realises he doesn’t sound smooth or like himself at all, but he hopes that Olly will still say yes. He knows he’s a fool but fuck, how could he not be when Olly is in front of him? Looking like that? With that tight shirt, showing himself off and looking so fucking good.
Olly nods slowly, “Yeah.” He says softly.
“G-good.” Neil says, smiling weakly, “I, uhm, could use your help in getting through all this.” He opens up the door and then the panic hits him. It’s as though the past six months haved kicked him in the gut and he is unable to move, breathe, anything. It’s a tad too late to remember he should have taken his meds the past few days. He had been as fine as he could get but now he felt like he was back to square one.
Olly catches on quickly and realises it’s up to him to be brave now. Up to him to take charge of the situation and to take care of Neil. It´s not a role he is used to, but he knows he has to help the guy he still loves. He puts his hand on Neil´s back, gently, and picks up the takeaway from the floor before pushing the door open a bit further with his foot.
“It’s okay,” He says in a calm voice. “Let’s just go inside, alright?” Neil doesn’t reply but takes a small step forward. Olly closes the door behind them and then takes Neil’s hand in his. “Come on,” He says softly, rubs Neil’s hand a little with his thumb, “It’s okay, you’re okay.”
Neil can’t speak but follows Olly instinctively. Dimly he’s aware he’s being pulled into his lounge. He’s too detached to really register anything though. They sit down on his sofa and Olly whispers to him in a soft and calm tone. Slowly Neil feels himself calm down again, like he is coming back to earth and back into his own body.
“Sorry,” He says and bites his lip. Now that he realises what was going on, he’s embarassed. As if things weren’t awkward enough between them already.
“Don’t worry,” Olly smiles at him and Neil is aware of the same warmth flowing over him as he did on the night he met Olly. “It’s okay.” Olly says, giving Neil’s hand a slight squeeze. “How about that takeaway?” He grins and bites his lip.
“I got that green vegetable curry you like.” Neil blushes a little bit. “I’ll go get some plates.” He says quickly and stands up as Olly nods and smiles at him again.
Now that Neil has left the room, Olly takes a moment to look around, the room he remembered so fondly. Not much had changed, he hadn’t expected it to really, though he hadn’t imagined this many of his clothes would still be lying around or that Neil would keep the gifts he had gotten him, much less have them on display still like he had. Olly’s heart is suddenly filled with hope, such a contrast to the way he had felt when he arrived.
Neil feels slightly stressed in his kitchen before he reminds himself he is a fucking grown up who can share his food with his amazingly good looking ex boyfriend. He really can without making a fool of himself or freaking out. It’s just a meal and then Olly will probably leave and not call him for months. And Neil can handle it, because he is a fucking mature person.
He almost believes himself when he walks back to his living room. The sight of Olly standing there is nearly too much and Neil is glad he has good reflexes otherwise he’d have smashed his plates. It’s just another reminder how much he misses him.
“I got the plates.” Neil says and it startles Olly out of his thoughts. “Did you want some tea? I forget to ask sorry.” How was Neil still so perfect?
“Yes, please.” Olly smiles at him, their hands briefly brush as he takes the plates from Neil's hands. Neil smiles back at him before he quickly returns to his kitchen. The awkwardness is back apparently and Olly knows that it's his fault. All of this is.
It amazes Neil how fucking bright Olly’s smile is. It seemed even more radiant when you weren’t used to seeing it anymore. But fuck, Neil misses it. He feels slightly proud though, that for some reason Olly chose to direct that smile to him again. It makes him wonder what went wrong, as he had so many times these last few months.
He picks out the tea he knows Olly likes. To be honest he didn't know why he still had it, neither him or Maya drank it. But he kept it in his cupboards in case Olly ever came back. Neil’s glad he did now but hopes Olly won’t think he is foolish for holding on like that.
“There you go,” he hands Olly his tea and then they finally start on the food. It’s cold at this point but neither of them seems to care. It reminded Neil of the nights they used to spend together, being so in love and caught up in each other that they forgot to eat. Once again, he longs to be back in that place. His life was so much better with Olly in it.
Olly takes a bite and then makes a face, “Can you believe we let our food get cold again?” he grins at Neil.
Neil laughs a little, “It’s a bit of a thing, isn’t it?” he says. It's strange how everything had changed but at the same time nothing had.
“It is.” Olly grins at him. It’s the most beautiful thing Neil has ever seen. He listens to Olly’s voice, his wonderful voice, as he tells Neil about new music they are working on and something Sophie did the other week. He tells him about the american tour, how different the crowds had been. Neil tells Olly about his music, about the classical concert he was practicing for. How he had missed playing classical music but also still loved his band. He tells Olly about Grace moving to Italy and that he misses her sometimes. Olly tells him about his mother and about Emre’s new girlfriend. It’s hard that they have missed so much from each other’s lives but at the same time it's so easy to talk. Time passes and Neil hardly notices it until it's way past 12 and Olly gives him a sad look.
“I’ve missed this,” Olly says and he sounds nervous. As if he is afraid Neil will become upset. To be fair, Neil doesn't blame him, not after the way he had been after they broke up. But what Olly doesn’t know, is that these words give Neil hope.
“I’ve missed this too.” He says, and takes a good look at Olly. He bites his lip and takes a breath before continuing, “I’ve really missed you.” He lets out a sob.
Hearing Neil sob makes Olly sob too. If he hadn't been aware of how much he had hurt his boy before, he certainly was now. He reaches for Neil's hand, who takes it without a word.
“Baby.” Olly says softly. He uses his free hand to touch Neil's face and Neil immediately presses his own hand on top of Olly's. It’s intense in a way they had never been before. “Baby.” Olly says again.
Neil leans in and gives Olly a questioning look. “What are we doing?” Olly would take it as rejection if Neil didn't sound so genuinely confused and by how hard Neil was gripping his hand, keeping it pressed to his face.
“I don't know?” Olly says, “Us?” He doesn't sound too sure of himself. “If you are okay with that?” He asks.
“I am…” Neil says. He starts to cry. His tears stream down onto his and Olly’s hand.
“Are you sure?” Olly asks worriedly.
Neil nods, “I am.” He takes a deep breath, “I’m just scared?” He looks so vulnerable, so fragile and Olly feels guilty. Neil had never looked this way, had always been the stronger one between them until Olly went and broke his heart.
“I’m sorry.” Olly says, and he is pretty sure he has started to cry too. “Would it help if I promise to be better this time? If I tell you you’re the only one for me?”
“Yeah, that’d help.” Neil attempts to smile, “But you aren’t the only who made mistakes. I’m sorry too.”
“Baby,” Olly says, “We’ll be fine.” He smiles and presses his forehead against Neil's. “Can I kiss you?” He asks softly.
Neil smiles, properly now, “Yes.” He says. Olly’s lips press against his and fuck he had missed this so much. He deepens the kiss, opens his mouth slightly to give Olly access. Olly wraps his arms around Neil's neck and the position they are in is slightly awkward but neither of them cares as long as they can keep touching each other.
When he lets go Olly buries his face in Neil's neck. “Fuck.” He mumbles and then looks up to Neil.
Neil runs a hand through Olly’s hair, “Fuck.” He repeats. “Fuck.” and then he kisses Olly’s lips again, gently as if he is touching something fragile and precious.
Olly starts to kiss his way down to Neil's neck and then kisses his neck, sucking and biting a little, wishing he could get under his skin. Claiming Neil as his again and making sure everyone knows. Making sure no guy can question whether Neil is taken or not. Olly is aware that it’s awfully possessive, especially as he is the one who ended things, but he needs Neil. He needs to have Neil and he needs to claim him. Let everyone know Neil is loved by him.
Neil knows Olly is leaving a gigantic hickey, and that it will be a pain to hide but he doesn't care. He knows he probably should attempt to hide it in the morning as he has to go to the studio with Jack to work on some things, but he really doesn't fucking care. He wants people to know Olly fucking Alexander kissed him like this. Like Olly was his again and he was Olly’s.
“Oops. Sorry.” Olly says when he pulls away, grinning like crazy.
Neil bites his lip, “As if you are sorry.” he smiles, pecking Olly’s lips lightly. He leans back against the couch and Olly rests his head on top of him.
“You’re right I’m not.” He says and giggles. They stay there in silence for a while until Neil yawns.
“What time is it babe?” Olly asks softly, feeling a little tired too. Sad at the fact he’ll probably have to leave soon.
Neil checks his phone, “2.30.” he says quietly. Stay silent for a few moments and then speaks again, “You can stay the night… if you want to that is?” he sounds nervous.
“I want to.” Olly says and takes Neil's hand in his. “Don’t want to leave you.” He says softly. Neil presses a kiss to the top of his head and it feels so good.
Neil can't help but smile, “Do you want to go to bed little one?” He says sweetly, giving Olly’s hand a small squeeze.
“Yeah,” Olly says quietly, “Bed would be good?” He brings Neil's hand to his lip and kisses it softly. “Can we share please?”
“I’d love that.” Neil says. They sit there for a bit longer before realising that if they want to get some sleep, they’ll really have to get up and move.
Neil thinks to himself how much nicer having Olly over is, compared to any other guy who had spent the right in the last few months. It meant more. It felt so much more familiar and safe and the fact that Olly remembered where everything was, was amazing. Neil hoped they could do this more often.
“I still have your pajama's,” Neil says softly, “Maya made me throw out your toothbrush though but I’ll get you a new one.” He blushes.
Olly smiles at him, “I was wondering where I left those pajama's.” He says as Neil hands him some.
“Yeah, sorry I-” Neil says awkwardly. Olly cuts him off with a kiss.
“Don’t be sorry, it’s cute.” He smiles, “You never gave up on me.”
“I wanted to but I just…” Neil takes a breath, “Couldn’t.” He kisses Olly’s cheek before he walks away to find him a toothbrush.
Olly takes a look around Neil's room and sees more of his sweaters. Then he spots the picture frame on Neil’s bedside table and sees a picture of them in Cornwall together. He picks it up and holds it. Sits down on Neil's bed while he looks at it. He’s pretty sure he’s crying but he was seeing more and more how badly he had fucked things up. Then he sees the pills beside a glass of water and realises how badly he had fucked Neil up. Guilt washes over him, because Neil had never deserved any of this bullshit. Not his bloody wonderful Neil. He despises himself for hurting him, for screwing Neil over thus badly. He truly didn't deserve him.
“You saw the picture then?” Neil says, sounding so fragile. Your fault, Olly tells himself. “I’m sorry it’s a bit weird isn't it?” He stands there awkwardly and Olly can't stand it anymore. He hates how awful he had made Neil feel and he just wants to fix it all.
“It’s not. I just….” Olly sighs, “I’m upset with myself because I clearly fucking hurt you and….” he has to take a deep breath. “Please sit next to me?” He asks.
“Okay.” Neil sits down next to him and Olly hates that there is space between them again.
“I saw the pills.” Olly says sadly. “and clearly that's my fault. That you are unhappy.”
“Please don't say that.” Neil looks down. “Yes I was really fucking hurt by the fact that you left me. And I kept wondering what I had done to lose you.” He takes Olly’s hand. “But my mental health is not your fault… I had been doing badly for a while before we broke up. I just didn’t want to tell anyone.”
“Is that why you would pull away?” Olly asks, shaking a little. “Because I thought… we weren't working out and you were just too polite to tell me so I figured… I’d do you a favour and that was a mistake.” Neil has started to cry too.
“We both made mistakes. I should have talked to you more. Should have told you what was happening but I was scared. We had so little time together… I didn’t want to ruin it with my fears but it didn’t work” Neil says. “I’m sorry.” Olly wraps his arms around him tightly, and Neil wraps his arms around Olly too.
“I’m so fucking sorry.” Olly says, “Can we please learn from this and get back together and not fuck up again?” He asks softly.
“I want nothing more.” Neil says and he means it. He really fucking means it. “Let’s get some sleep now baby.” He says tenderly. “We can talk more in the morning yeah?” He asks.
“Yeah.” Olly says, “But we better cuddle.” he laughs a little and wipes away the wetness from Neil's face
“Cuddling sounds like a plan to me.” Neil smiles and kisses Olly’s cheek. “Let’s get changed and then off to bed.” He grins. He gets up and starts to walk to his wardrobe when Olly gives him a confused look.
“What are you going to get?” He asks.
“Joggers.” Neil shrugs awkwardly.
Olly makes a face at him, “Since when do you wear those to bed?” He gets up and wraps his arms around Neil's waist, “You don't have to do that just for me you know,” He says, “I know you don't like to wear anything.” He kisses Neil's lips lightly.
“I just, wasn't sure how comfortable you would be with that.” Neil says apologetically. Then he smiles at Olly, “Sorry.”
“Don’t worry, if I wasn't comfortable I wouldn’t be here baby.” Olly smiles at Neil. Then he starts to pull at Neil's shirt, Neil gives him a bit of space so he can take it off and slowly the boys undress each other, hands lingering, retracing favourite lines and learning new muscles, old scars.
They crawl under the blankets and hold each other closely. Neil wrapping his arm around Olly carefully and Olly resting his head on Neil's chest. Before he falls asleep, Neil tries to take every detail in because if this is the last time he will have Olly, he wants to remember how good this felt.
Olly usually doesn't wake up before Neil, or never did before at least, but he makes use of it and soaks in how peaceful Neil looks when he sleeps. He gets his phone and takes a picture. Then he just scrolls through twitter a bit, because he is content to just lie here next to Neil.
After a while he feels Neil stirring and he looks up to him, gives him a light kiss on his lips. “Good morning.” He smiles.
Neil smiles back at him, the radiance of it practically blinding Olly, “Good morning.” He says and kisses Olly back. Then he sits up against the headboard and Olly sits against him. Neil wraps his arms around Olly and breathes in his scent, like he can't quite believe this is real.
Olly starts to grin, he is just so bloody pleased with all of this. The happiness is like a bubble inside him, or a fire, something that cannot be restrained. He interlaces their fingers together and enjoys the way his head feels back on Neil's chest. For a moment, everything was what it needed to be and it was good, so fucking good.
Neil wants to fully enjoy the moment but it’s fucking hard when he is terrified to lose Olly again. He is not sure if he will survive that another time, not when he barely fucking did the first time around. He feels himself get tense and the accompanying pain in his chest again, and fuck he hates himself for it.
“So what's next?” Neil asks softly. He is sure he sounds as fragile as he feels. “For us?”
“Can we get back together?” Olly replies, bringing Neil's hand to his mouth and pressing his lips against it softly. “I realise that there are things we need to work through and that I really fucking hurt you but I miss you so much and I love you more than anyone.” Neil can hear the desperation and sincerity in Olly’s voice and he believes him.
“I’d really like to be yours again.” He replies. “And I believe that we can work through things … because I love you.”
“Good.” Olly grins and gets up a little. Then he starts to kiss Neil, first his cheeks. Then his mouth and slowly down to his neck and his chest. “I love you so much.” He says and looks up to Neil who is smiling so widely. Neil looks so happy, his face is shining and it warms Olly to see him like this. Neil nods in approval and Olly continues his way down.
-
Olly had always enjoyed it when Neil made him breakfast. Neil had never been much of a cook but he made wonderful breakfasts. And he liked to watch Neil move around the kitchen, singing softly and looking around for whatever he needed and lost. Olly can't help himself and takes a picture of his boy, his Neil. His.
“Did you just take a picture?” Neil tries to frown but he can't help but be endeared. He moves to where Olly is sitting on the counter and places his hands on Olly’s legs.
“Maybe.” Olly bites his lip and smiles. “I promise it’s cute.” He giggles a little when Neil starts to tickle him. Then he wraps his arms around Neil's neck and kisses him. When he lets go, Neil pouts at him. “Breakfast, remember?” Olly says and winks.
“Right.” Neil says, presses a kiss on top of Olly’s head and starts paying as much attention as he can manage to his eggs, which to be fair is just enough to not let them burn.
-
Neil is in an incredibly cheerful mood when he walks into the studio. He is pretty sure he hasn't been this happy in months and it shows. He thinks of Olly, waiting for him in his flat, wrapped up in his bed or perhaps sprawled across the sofa reading one of Neil's books and he can't help but smile.
Grace though, just gives him a suspicious look, “Have you been … taking something?” She puts her hand on Neil's arm and sounds incredibly concerned.
“Can’t I just be happy?” Neil asks, trying to sound shocked. He can imagine her concern though, after all she was the one that needed to beg him to stay in the band after things went to hell.
“It’s just…” Grace sighs, “You haven't been, since,” She starts to whisper, “the break up, you know.”
“I know but,” Neil smiles wider, “I talked with Olly and we’re back together.”
“Like properly?” Grace raises an eyebrow, “He’s not doing this to mess with you?” Again, Neil understands her concern, but he is also determined to prove her wrong.
“Properly.” Neil says, “Call him if you want to but we’re good.” He smiles, pleased with himself and the situation.
He hasn't played this well in months, no second takes needed and he doesn't mess up any note. Afterwards Olly picks him up, with flowers. Neil winks at Grace before they walk away and smiles. They were good. So fucking good.