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Chapter Text

[Title page of Winnie The Pooh by A.A. Milne with handwritten dedication

In pen: My Dear Warlock,

Please accept this book as a parting gift to remind you of the many moments when we would talk and I would read to you in the garden. I hope it will always bring you joy when you need it.

Brother Francis

In pencil: And do keep in touch - you will find a visiting card with my postal address between the pages.]

[Two envelopes addressed to “Brother Francis” and “The Best Nanny”]

[Birthday party invitation:

You are cordially invited to celebrate the 11th birthday of Warlock Dowling

Tuesday, August 20th, One o’clock in the afternoon

The Dowling Residence

4004 Black Prince Road

London

RSVP to Harriet (44)7935856503 | (1)5076234747 by July 27th]

To Brother Francis:

I am glad to invite you to my birthday party, in our garden. It will have The Amazing Harvey and Wanda and a floating castle and loads of food, and it will be just awesome! Not the most awesome, because I asked dad for cartoons and he said no and something about "moderation is good for the youth", which is silly because he always spends loads of money on clothes and such and says it’s for work, but Mum promised me a dinosaur jelly sculpture, which is just as good.

I know it’s been many, many years since you stopped being the gardener. I was just a little kid back then and now I'm big, almost eleven, and it would be great if you could come back. Do you remember Brother Slug? The house you built for him is still there, and he lives there with Sister Caterpillar and Aunt Crab (mum does not know about it so if you come, please don’t tell her).

Don't forget to RSVP.I'm still not sure what that is, but Mum made quite a fuss about it, so it must be important.

Love,

Warlock

To Nanny Ashtoreth:

You always know everything about me (still not sure how you do it), but Mum said I should make it formal, because I'm a big boy now, so there it is:

To the esteemed and respectful Nanny Ashtoreth, 

attached hereunto is an invitation to my birthday party. It will take place on August 20 at our garden, as per the card attached (you know where we live, I don't understand why we need all this formality).

Anyway, there will be food (which I remember you don't eat too much of) and loads of boring adults (that Mum insisted on inviting despite it being my birthday) and I also invited Brother Francis – you two always seemed happy to see each other.

Looking forward to seeing you,

Your hell spawn

P.S.

Please don't bring Rover.

Dear Warlock, 

Thank you for thinking of me all these years later. It will be good to see how well you’ve taken your lessons to heart. You’ve always been my favorite charge and I know that you’ll do great and terrible things some day soon. Don’t fret, Rover will not be coming along on this visit. I know you two didn’t always get along and eleven is a milestone year. I do look forward to seeing you. 

Ashtoreth

Dear Warlock, 

I would like to thank you for the invitation to your birthday celebration. I never would have thought that you’d think to invite silly old me. It will be my pleasure to be able to wish you all the best in person.

Yours sincerely,

Brother Francis

Chapter Text

[Scrivener's log, Heaven's date 303rd of 5994

Human kids are all alike, no matter the time, area or culture they are from – and that birthday party was no different. It contained many shouting kids, a lot of adults who would have preferred to be anywhere else but there, and the traditional act of giving presents.

A few notable elements were the food fight, the number of men with suits who looked far too serious for the event, and the atrociously bad magician. Seriously, all those years of evolution, and that is the best humanity came up with?

Our tracking devices had spotted the presence of occult forces, but when the cameras zoomed in they revealed nothing but a couple of tutors, the former gardener and nanny, a waiter and the aforementioned magician (though not all at once).

Recommendation: keep an eye on the kid from afar – and stay away from flying cakes.]

Dear Warlock,

I would like to thank you for the invitation to your birthday party. I confess I was rather moved that you still hold such fond memories of a silly old man like myself that you decided to invite me, dear boy. All the more do I regret not being able to stay longer to celebrate with you. I hope that you managed to enjoy yourself with your friends all the same and that the gift I brought you was to your liking. I was led to understand that dinosaur adventures are, as the young people say, ‘all the rage’ right now. Please, accept once again my best wishes for your birthday.

Yours sincerely,

Brother Francis

Dear Mrs Dowling,

Please allow me to extend my gratitude for your invitation to Warlock’s birthday celebrations. It was a joy to watch him with his friends. How generously he invited so many of them to join him in various activities. His kindness in sparing a few moments from the general jubilations to talk with me was also most admirable. I wish all the best to you and your son.

Yours sincerely,

A. Cortese

Warlock,

It was lovely to see you, though the visit felt far too short. You’ve grown into an exceptional young man, exactly as hoped. I do hope you had fun with your friends after I left. Would hate to cramp your style at your own party. I’ll be needing to go out of town for a bit but do hope to hear from you when I return. 

Ashtoreth

Young Master Warlock,

I suppose the exuberance of youth can allow for a bit of slack. After all, I’m sure even the likes of Vlad Drakul took time for rest. Use your birthday wisely. It will be the easiest you’ll see. We’ll resume when you return from your vacation to Meggido.

A. Harrison

Ms. Dowling,

Good to see how young Master Warlock has been applying his lessons. They were certainly a lively bunch. I’m sure he’ll be leading the lot of them soon enough with such stunning examples as he has at home. Thank you for allowing the short visit on his special day, it was most appreciated. Sorry I couldn’t stay long.

A. Harrison

Nanny,

It was great seeing you again (especially without Rover). I had the best birthday party ever, with loads of cool stuff. Well, The Amazing Harvey and Wanda couldn't come and instead Mum found a lame magician, but there was a food fight so all my friends were happy, and nothing else matters. 

Where are you going? Maybe, if you have a garden there, you can ask Brother Francis to help? He was always so good with plants, almost like they were happy to see him. And it looked like he was happy to see you, in case you missed it, what with being busy taking care of me when I was just a small kid.

Miss you already,

Warlock

P.S. Mum said I should thank you for the telescope because that is the polite thing to do. I think that playing with other kids is much more interesting and I don't understand what’s so fun about looking at the sky and looking for specific stars, like you keep wanting to do. They are all the same, who cares where the Horse Nebula or Alpha Centauri are? It’s not like I will ever get there, I wanted to be an astronaut but Dad said I need to be a diplomat like him, so that is not going to happen.

Brother Francis,

Thank you for the present, the dinosaur model is awesome! It took us some time to assemble it, and some more to paint it, and now it looks amazing. Mum said it is too big and scary to be in my room and made me put it in the game room. I think that is silly! So what if it is 2 meters high? Besides, I painted it with all the colours of the rainbow, not like the picture on the box, and I am not afraid of it at all!

Too bad you had to leave so soon, you missed the best part of the party, the food fight! The scary men in the black suits were very angry, but their faces were all covered with cake, and we all had a good laugh at them. The magician also got hit with a cake, but he had that coming, it was the most lame magic show ever.

Anyway, funny thing about the house for Brother Slug: there is now a new house just for butterflies. You probably put it there when I wasn't looking, it's not like the butterflies could bring it themselves, right? So, thank you for that as well, I guess, and another thank you for not telling my parents.

Do you think Nanny would be happy with a house for caterpillars? She always said I should crush things, and I never knew if she was joking and was too afraid to ask. She came to the party, but just like you, she stayed for a very short time, and I didn't get a chance to ask her, or I would have, now I am a big kid, already 11, and not scared of her!

Please don't tell her I said that.

Love,

Warlock

Chapter Text

[An envelope with two post-it notes:

Aziraphale: Please read this, my dear. Do you suppose we should tell him the truth?

Crowley: Yeah, that will be a fun convo. “Everything has been a lie, we thought you were the Anti-Christ, sorry kid.” P.S. We do actually care.]

Our Dearest Warlock,

Allow me to open with a heartfelt assurance that whatever else you might start to question upon the revelations in this letter, you need not doubt how much we both care for you. While the circumstances that have brought us into your life are quite extraordinary, I like to believe that all has turned out the way it was always supposed to be [If anyone ever asks, don’t put your trust in Satanic nuns. Not that it’s an issue anymore. Good job telling Hastur he smells like poo. Wish I could have seen his face at the time, I’m sure it was hilarious. Could not have been more proud of you. He’s…well he might be a former Duke after that debacle but I don’t care enough to look into it. But I promise he was right ticked to have a human boy tell him off like that] . The fact of the matter is, our decision to take up the role of your godfathers may have been based on quite a bit of erroneous data, but neither of us would undo even a minute [Unless of course it was that afternoon with Rover. He’s stuck in a cell now if that makes you feel any better about him chasing you. But yeah, he’s a hell hound, that’s where they go. Was not pleased about the incident with Sister Slug. That was unpleasant for all of us. I might be a demon but I needed the coffee.] of that time  as we’ve both grown to love you as if you were our own child. 

But allow me to start from the beginning. We both know how astute you are so I don’t doubt you would have realised sooner or later as you are growing up that neither of us are quite human. Or not at all human, rather. And the names we usually use are quite different to what you’ve learned to call us, but I suppose that’s of the least importance right now. For the most part, we tend to keep our distance from humans (all those questions about never aging, you see) but as your case was quite special we’ve come to view you very much as if you were our own child. We’ve been with you through most of your life and we would very much like to continue being so should you allow that. 

[What Aziraphale is trying to say is that the plan to have you be the Antichrist was in fact a failure from the get-go. Which is fine. As the angelic and demonic representatives on Earth, we tasked ourselves with keeping an eye on you. We started off trying to make sure you just stayed normal. And you did. Entirely because you are, in fact, human. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. ‘S sort of where we threw our lot in with either way. Honestly before you were even born. This was just the most overt. Been around a long time and you lot are clever things. Honestly in our attempts to keep you balanced, we got a taste of something I don’t think either of us counted on. And when you’ve been on this planet as long as we have, you experience a lot of things. And start some things. Look there’s a reason I never taught the gloomy ones alright? And Hamlet can be considered the start of that. But that’s besides the point. Anyway, the real Antichrist grew up to side with humanity which means that the world won’t be destroyed. Theoretically until the heat death of the universe in billions of years. Maybe. Unimportant right now. The main take-away here is that the world won’t end in your lifetime. And your godparents are an angel and a demon. Sorry.] 

I’m sure that’s quite a lot to take in and you are bound to be dealing with a lot, especially with being uprooted so abruptly and moving to your parents’ country. Please remember you can always contact either of us via electronic mail [I suspect Crowley would provide more practical alternatives too].

We are both officially retired now and are planning on finding a little cottage somewhere close to Devil’s Dyke this spring (Crowley is terribly fond of it) and would love it if you would consider visiting us and spending some time during your summer holidays with us. [There’s room enough to have your own space. Can teach you how to keep the plants in line on your own. Just none of those secret service guys.]

Yours sincerely,

Aziraphale (Brother Francis, Mr Cortese) and Crowley (Lilith Ashtoreth, Mr Harrison)

Dear Nanny and Brother   Crowley and Aziraphale

Wow, that is a lot. How did you even know where to find me, and snuck the letter into my room? I found it on my bed, and the security guards swore no one came in. Actually, now that I think of it, you two always knew where to find me, and Nanny always had a spare change of clothes with her, and Francis had those candies I liked but never found where he bought it. Was that all magic?

That is a lot to take in, but to the big news – you two are together? Finally! I always knew you looked at each other funny, but nobody would explain it to me when I was a kid, so it took me a long time to understand. And, apparently, it was the same to you. I bet it was what my letters to you after the party that helped, right?

It also explains the birthday party and why you had to leave so quickly. Sorry for all the things I said about the magician, Fran… I mean Aziraphale. I didn't know it was you. But you have to admit the food fight was cool! The rabbit was nice, is it now in your garden?

Now I also understand, Crowley, why as a Nanny you always tried to teach me about the stars. I used to think it was a reason for me to go to sleep late, so I didn't mind that too much, but it was more than that. Maybe you two can take me to space? Alpha Centauri sounds lovely this time of the year.

One day I will come to visit you, I just need some time to adjust to all the news. Till then, send me pictures of the garden, will you? I still can't believe that Nanny is the better gardener, but it sure does explain why Francis never knew the names of the plants.

Love, Warlock