Chapter Text
10.12.1976
I'm 15 years old and I'll probably die young. I'm in the generation of the ones who die generally young. Actually I have no idea what have I done wrong and found myself in the middle of a godforsaken war. Black Family, the most noble family of Britain and France, is in need of a couple other families to keep existing now. They say they have me, kind of funny, I don't even have myself right now.
Nowadays I feel like a empty maschine. Goşng to classes, playing Quidditch, talking to my friends that I exactly know what they are going to the on the day they turn seventeen. Even when I am just distracting myself from everything, I can't help catching Sirius' eyes in breakfast and looking away, playing Quidditch with Gryffindors and flying faster whenever I hear that the tribunes are screaming 'his' name every time he scores and so many other things which are dangerous to even think about.
I will write some of them here.
Even though my brother thinks unlike, I actually do not believe any of this blood purity things or any kind of actions of the Dark Lord. However, I do care about my family and I know better than being against them about every topic. That changes nothing. Running away, like Sirius will probably do, means nothing, but joining to the Dark Lord also means nothing. Your beliefs are your beliefs and no action of you can change them.
I do whatever I must do. If I have to be noble, I act noble. If I have to lead with pride, I do lead with pride. And if I have to join to Dark Lord, I join him, but I do it all in my way and nobody can change this.
Order of the Phoenix is useless, I am aware of that. I will never join them, that makes no sense. They have no idea, but the Dark Lord finds Death Eaters faster than they kill them, so the best solution will be finishing the Dark Lord himself. I swear to God, I'll get close enough to him to learn how to do this.
And I solemnly swear that I'll have no words to anyone in this world about my real purpose. I will even convince myself that I serve with my soul to the blood purity. I know my role and I will play it perfectly.
Anyway, acting against your mind should not be harder than acting against your hearth though.