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For their first two years in Hogwarts Remus stayed to himself. He wasn't always easy to relax around other people, he still isn't when it comes to someone new but back then he was worse.
He wouldn't talk unless spoken to, he'd hold all his emotions inside until the full moon. Then, he'd stop knowing how to control it. Every morning after a full moon, those first two years, the shack was in shambles. At first Dumbledore would have to fix it, but a few months in he showed Remus a spell and he would fix it up himself. Although, he always wondered what's the point when the beast in he seems to never be able to calm down. Sooner or later the damage would be irreversible and what then?
Over their first summer break, in between the first and the second year, letters were coming more often than Remus could have ever expected.
James sent out group letters every few days, Peter sent them at least once a week, and Sirius responded and sent as many as he managed to do in secret.
Remus envys Sirius for how open he is. He talks consistently, about everything and anything. He told the group about his parents, how they're anything but happy he was sorted into Gryffindor, how they're strict and conservative. He told them about his younger brother, about all his cousins, about their house elves, about all his hobbies and about all of Regulus's hobbies. Sirius was an opened book that didn't even require reading because he'd tell Remus and all his friends everything they wanted to know. Remus wishes he could be like that.
In their third year he started forcing himself to be honest, to open his mouth more than he wants to, to tell someone.
And that someone just happened to be Lily.
James and Sirius rarely studied, and Peter didn't worry for his grades, instead following the group and studying whenever.
Remus couldn't do that, he didn't want to do that. He valued school, valued the fact he can do so many things if he tries hard enough.
So he tried, harder and harder but as the end of the third year came closer and closer, he yearned for a study partner.
That's how he got to know Lily. They were in the same year, and while she had other friends, closer ones, she always made time for Remus.
They met in February, a few weeks before James confessed his love to her for the first time.
Their study sessions soon became just an excuse to hang out and they had to move them out of the library.
That's how they found themselves in the Gryffindor common room long after they should have gone to bed.
They're sitting on the couch, two tea mugs in their hands as they whisper to eachother.
Their shoulders are pressed against one another and as Remus turned his head to look at Lily, she was already there.
Their noses brushed, and without thinking about it, Remus leaned in.
Her lips were soft, plump, tasting like cherries because of her muggle chapstick.
She responded almost immediately, smiling into the kiss as her chapstick smeared across their lips.
Lily smelled like flowers, her hair was soft as Remus ran his fingers through it and he suddenly understood why James was so obsessed with her.
James.
Fuck, James.
The kiss breaks and the moment disappears as it has never happened. Lily is still smiling at him so cutesy but Remus wanted to be more opened, more friendly this year. He didn't plan to push his friend away, break his heart. Remus wasn't going to betray him, no matter how soft Lily's lips were.
He's about to say something, anything to make her understand but Lily is kissing him again and Remus is just a 14 year old boy after all.
He kisses back, caressing her cheek and letting out a soft sigh as he feels her hands in his hair.
When they both reach the point of too little oxygen, they pull back, panting and looking at eachother.
Remus doesn't let it happen again, no matter how much he'd like to kiss Lily again and again for the rest of the night, when she leans in again he stops her.
He swallows hard, she's so close and he knows he likes kissing her. He could just lean in and James would probably forget and forgive but what if he doesn't? No, Remus can't risk it. He gathers courage and whispers in a ragged breath. "I can't do this to James."
Lily smiles and Remus, who already at 14 spent years reading people and figuring out what they really think, has no clue of she's sad or empathetic or angry or maybe a mix of all of that and much more.
She nods, pecks his cheek and says. "I understand."
Remus smiles back and hugs her, holding her close and rubbing circles into her back.
"You're not mad?" He asks, pulling back to look into her green eyes.
"No. You're a good friend, I respect that." She smiles at him, taking a sip if her tea.
"Okay." He whispers and leans against her. "Do you think our dorms will let us in?"
"Too late for that I suppose." She shrugs and he nods.
"I'll get us blankets." He sighs and gets his wand from the table, summoning blankets and pillows.
They lay down on separate couches and Lily turns the torches off.
"Goodnight, Lils." He says into the darkness and drifts off. He never tells James about the kiss, but when asked he mentioned he did actually have his first kiss. James, or anyone else but Lily for that matter, doesn't need to know who it was.