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Mom I'm Tired (Can I Sleep in Your House Tonight)

Summary:

Varian helps Hugo realize he's worth more than what he can do for others. This is a hard realization for him.

Notes:

All of the credit for this fic goes to Starry kitty on tiktok and tumblr (St@rry_K1tty on tumblr), they gave me this amazing idea and the permission to turn it into this.

Title from class of 2013 by Mitski

there is a tw for panic attacks for this fic, it's in the tags, but I want to put it here as well

I hope you all enjoy, and as usual comment and kudos are much appreciated!!

Work Text:

Nuru and Yong had just gone to sleep, saying that they wanted to be ready for the next day when they were going into town. Varian had told them he'd take first watch, which of course meant that Hugo also stayed up to bother him.

"Hey, earth to goggle," Hugo said, waving a hand in front of his face, "where'd you go?" He asked once he realized he was back to the land of the living.

"Hm? Oh, it's nothing. I was just thinking about how to get my current project back to Corona. Yknow, an alchemist never sleeps as they say!" Varian says to him.

"Oh yea I've been there. I can't count the number of times I've had to work through sicknesses." Hugo told him, looking up at the sky almost wistfully, as if remembering the good old days.

Varian looked at him like he was insane, "Are you serious? What in the seven kingdoms did you have to work through for you to not even remember it completely?" He asks, bewildered at they way Hugo is so calmly talking about his past.

"Ummm, well lets see. I've had the common cold, the flu a couple times, strep throat, I think I worked through Pneumonia one time. Man that was a crazy one, but hey it all worked out I got the project done in the end. Oh I forgot I also had Mono and Bronchitis once. I actually had those at the same time." Hugo said as if it was no big deal, a smirk evident on his face as he speaks.

Varian stared at Hugo for a moment, almost not wanting to process what he was hearing, "Blondie… What are you talking about? You just casually worked through Pneumonia? What could you have possibly been doing? Are you ok?"

"I'm fine goggles, really. Like I said, I got the job done, and if you must know, it was an engineering job that was on a tight deadline." Hugo says, still not understanding the problem with what he's saying.

Varian's brows furrow even further, if that was even possible, "Hugo. I didn't ask if you got the job done. I asked if you were ok." He suddenly sounded more serious than he did a moment ago. Hugo paused to look at him, his smirk slightly fading but still visible, "If you won't answer I'll ask again. Are you ok Hugh?"

Hugo hears too much softness in his voice, or maybe it's just his brain being hopeful and yearning for comfort after so many years. Either way, he takes a moment before responding, "I'm fine stripes, really. It's just how it was, I'm over it now." Hugo looks down as he finishes speaking, then looks at the fire in front of them, desperate for something to distract him from where this conversation is obviously going.

Varian takes a moment to really think about his next words, not wanting to be too harsh or to push Hugo away. He looks at Hugo's face once before talking, "Hey, Hugo. You.. You do know it's ok to take a break. Right?" He speaks slowly, continuing after a moment and not getting a reaction, "You don't have to always be at 100%. It's alright if you can't always work."

Hugo finally looks at him. His grin is shaking slightly and his eyes are watering, his brows furrowing in concentration as he tries not to let his tears fall, "I can't take a break. If I stop now, I can't start again later. And the time I take to stop is time that I could use to make more when my inventions could—could save lives. It could help so many people. I just.. I" The tears had started to fall, and now they wouldn't stop. He tried to keep talking "I—The. It." His sobs and erratic breathing kept interrupting him, so he eventually stopped trying.

Varian suddenly realized how similar they were. They both wanted—no needed—to prove themselves by helping others. They wanted to make up for their actions, even if it cost them everything.

Varian slowly reaches his hands out, seeing if Hugo would flinch away. After a moment seeing he didn't, he took Hugo into his arms. He tried rubbing his back, Varian wasn't exactly sure how to comfort Hugo, but he figured he would just do what Raps always did for him during these episodes. He whispered to Hugo "Breathe Hugh. It's all ok. You're safe I promise." Repeating those things, trying to get Hugo to understand them.

He put his hand on Hugo's head, resting it against his chest in hopes he would listen to his heartbeat to ground him in some way. He looked down at him, watching his shoulders shake and his chest heave as he tries to breathe properly. He looks at Hugo's ponytail for a moment, noticing some hair slightly out of its hold. He pulls the hair tie away from his scalp, allowing the hair to fall down his back.

Hugo whimpered slightly as he felt his hair being pulled. Varian paused for a moment, but quickly continued as Hugo pressed his face further into her chest. Varian slowly started to comb his hands through Hugo's hair. After a moment of Varian doing this, Hugo pauses. His body full of tension, but only for about thirty seconds. Varian continues to run his hands through his hair, hoping it will calm him down. Hugo then starts crying even harder. His entire body racks with his sobs. Varian is surprised that Nuru or Yong haven't been woken up yet.

Varian scratches his scalp and hears him whisper something almost intelligible. "mama.." He hears him whisper, "mama please, I'm sorry." And just like that, he's sobbing again.

Varian isn't quite sure what to do at this point, even more so than earlier. But it seems that him playing with his hair is keeping him from tensing up. And it seems better for him to cry, like he needs this right now. So that's what he does. He continues to comb through his hair, occasionally scratching his scalp, and saying as many encouraging, helpful, and loving words as he can.

He's not sure how long they stay like that, but when he looks up from Hugo and at the fire, he sees it had gone down significantly, now mostly just charcoal. He feels Hugo stop shaking so much, no longer hearing his sobs. He just hears occasional sniffles. He maneuvers himself to get a look at Hugo's face, and is not surprised to see his eyes closed.

After seeing Hugo asleep and quickly realizing he himself won't be moving until at least the morning, he decides to try and make himself comfortable. Careful not to jostle Hugo too much, he slowly moves to lay down, rather than sitting against the log he had been. He presses Hugo against his chest, making sure that he's comfortable, and keeping his hand in his hair, knowing that it's most likely the only thing keeping him from panicking in his sleep.

As Varian drifts off, he vaguely had the thought that he and Hugo would have to have a conversation about what had happened. But as he yawns one last time, he decides that can wait until tomorrow. And with that, he's asleep, with Hugo soundly sleeping on his chest.