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Tara fell asleep on the couch.
She hadn’t meant to, but she was just so comfortable there, curled up in her blanket, and she’d had such a long day.
When Sam had caught her dozing off there with the TV on, she’d said, “Don’t fall asleep there, Little. You’ll get a crick in your back.”
Without opening her eyes, Tara shot back, “I don’t think we have the same issues…”
She didn’t have to look to know Sam was rolling her eyes, “I’m only five years older than you.”
Tara chuckled sleepily, “Whatever you say, sis.”
“Just don’t fall asleep there, okay? You’ll thank me in the morning,” Sam said.
“I won’t, I won’t! I’m just checking my eyelids for pinholes…” Tara replied.
“Mnnhumm…” Sam hummed, totally not believing her.
That was the last thing Tara remembered before she drifted off on the couch.
She opened her eyes, squinting against the moonlight that came in through the window.
The TV was still on, a laugh track from Friends coming through the speakers as the characters quipped.
The lights were off. She assumed Sam did it.
She supposed that Sam didn’t have the heart to wake her before she went to bed.
Somehow, she’d gone from sitting up to lying down, one leg sticking out of the blanket and one arm hanging over the edge of the couch cushion.
She sat up, pulled the blanket around her to shield her from the cold air, and rubbed her eyes.
Might as well head to bed, Tara thought, absently rubbing the soreness out of her lower back.
Sam had been right about the back pain, but she knew she wouldn’t be giving her the satisfaction of knowing.
She went to stand, dragging the large, black, fuzzy blanket with her.
As she did, the TV changed by itself.
Gone was the happy, sarcastic tone of Friends. Instead, it was replaced with a black screen that said:
THIS IS A TEST
OF THE NATIONAL EMERGENCY ALERT SYSTEM.
HAD THIS BEEN AN ACTUAL EMERGENCY,
THE ATTENTION SIGNAL YOU JUST HEARD
WOULD HAVE BEEN FOLLOWED
BY EMERGENCY INFORMATION, NEWS, OR INSTRUCTIONS.
THIS IS ONLY A TEST.
It was dead silent for a second.
Isn’t there meant to be an alert sound that goes with this?
Tara thought sleepily.
Just as soon as she thought that, instead of a tone, she heard:
I'm your biggest fan, I'll follow you until you love me
Papa-paparazzi
Baby, there's no other superstar, you know that I'll be
Your papa-paparazzi
“What the fu—” Tara whispered as she watched on in disbelief.
She rubbed her ear. The music didn’t go away. Lady Gaga just kept on singing.
She pinched herself, convinced that she had to be dreaming because there’s no way something this ridiculous was really happening right now.
Nope.
She blinked.
And then, she started to laugh.
As she giggled at how stupid this all was, Sam came padding out from their shared room, hand over her mouth, mid-yawn.
She took in the scene: Tara, the TV, the emergency alert, and Lady Gaga and just stared.
“What on Earth–” she started.
Tara turned to her, tears in her eyes, “I have no idea!!” She wheezed.
She was sure she was laughing this hard because it was, like 3am and she was tired.
The confused look on Sam’s face only made it better.
“Is this real?”
“Unless we’re both going into a collective psychosis…” Tara said. After a beat, as she shook with laughter, she commented, “Maybe this is a sign of the end times?”
“Is Lady Gaga the emergency?” Sam asked, bewildered.
Tara tried to catch her breath from laughing, “Does she qualify as one?”
“Only if she forgot to refrigerate her meat dress…” Sam replied dryly.
“Hold on a second,” she said after a silence that was only filled with Tara’s giggling and Lady Gaga’s singing.
With nothing else left to do, Sam went back to their shared room, and in a moment, came back with her phone and hit record.
“I need other people to see this madness so we know we’re not crazy,” She said, zooming in on the screen.
@s_carpdx
If this is the end of the world, I think the aliens should see that we went out with a bang. (I cannot believe my last contribution to humanity might be this bullshit…)
[video attached]
The next morning, Sam had the news on while she made coffee, and Tara was in the kitchen making dippy eggs with a side of bacon for them.
Neither had said a word about what had happened the previous night. There was no way that really happened.
Right?
“This just in, EAS madness in the middle of the night last night–” the anchor said.
Sam and Tara both whipped around to look at the screen.
He continued, “Residents of the five boroughs experienced an emergency alert like no other at 3:45 last night when a routine test was run. But, instead of the typical emergency tone and robotic voice, viewers were met with Lady Gaga’s Paparazzi."
They both looked at one another as Sam’s video from the previous night went up on the screen, her twitter handle chironed in at the top, ‘Credit: @s_carpdx/Twitter’.
“Residents from all over the city commented on this post, sharing in the hilarity of the incident,” a female newscaster said.
A series of tweets popped up with reactions from the general public.
‘I thought I was hallucinating. Thank god for this video or I would have checked into a mental hospital’
‘Only in New York 😂😂’
‘I can’t believe she caught this on video!’
‘Some intern at the FCC just lost his job’
‘The FCC had a stroke’
Sam’s mouth fell open. She really thought that was some strange fever dream.
“According to a statement from the FCC, the audio was played in error for cable customers due to an unknown glitch,” the male anchor said.
“Well, that must have been quite the unexpected show for those who saw it last night, huh, Phill?” The woman beside him asked.
“You’ve got that right, Diane. Now, over to Nina for the weather.”
Sam and Tara looked at one another.
“Oh my God. You’re famous!” Tara exclaimed, her eyes shining.
“For recording an EAS screwup of all things,” Sam mumbled. “I guess it beats being an alleged killer…”
“No shit,” Tara said. “You were on the news for a good thing this time!”
Sam chuckled, “Yes, I was.” She turned to grab two mugs and began pouring coffee for herself and Tara.
Tara looked back to the stove, “So, Little Miss Famous,” she began, “how many pieces of bacon do you want?”