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He passes by the florist to buy the same flower arrangement he has gotten every week since he came back to the village — a small bouquet of forget-me-nots and baby’s breath, and he heads for the graveyard.
As he’s making his way to the graveyard he thinks back on his conversation with Chas just a few moments ago. He doesn’t know why he talked to her about it, knowing how much she still hates him for what he put Aaron through when he went to jail, and then trying to ruin his wedding on his first day in the village after six years without any contact, so, really, it was no surprise when she completely dismissed him when he talked about his suspicions about John.
“Don’t you think it’s weird that he’s somehow always at the right place and at the right time?” Robert questions Chas.
“No, Robert, I don’t.” She’s says firmly. “I know it might be difficult for you to comprehend, given your history, but some people are just good.”
Robert nods, not wanting to go down that road. “So he just showed up, and every time someone gets sick, or is about to snuff it, he’s always there to save the day, and you just buy it? You barely know this guy.”
“We know him enough to know he’s a good bloke.” Chas is not budging. “And we also know you well enough to know you’re just jealous that Aaron chose him and not you. Aaron loves John and he’s a better man then you’ll ever be, and he’s a better man to Aaron than you ever were. He’s good for him, so just drop it, okay?”
Robert knows he’s never been a choir boy, and he sure has his faults, he’s never hidden them, but still, it stings to hear that he wasn’t never good enough for Aaron. He’d known that from the beginning — that Aaron was always too good for someone like him, he knew damn well he didn’t deserve someone has like Aaron. But he tried and he had turned himself into someone that was worth Aaron’s love and affection and he had been good, he knows he had. Why was it that no one could see that now? Why did everyone look at him now the way they did ten years ago when he was a mess of a person, just out to hurt everyone, even Aaron? He wasn’t that person anymore. He hadn’t been for years.
“I see,” he finishes his pint, and gets up to leave.
He crouches down to place the flowers on her grave.
Ever since he came back he’s been coming here every day, leaving a bouquet of flowers every week. He always stands in silence, never knowing what to say. Knowing that no mater what he says it will never take the pain away, the regret and the guilt. He had a family with Aaron, Liv and Seb, and he went and made a mess of it all, just like he always does.
Today though, today everything feels too much, and he’s so tired of fighting his inner demons, and his nightmares, and all this regret that consumes him every waking moment. It would be so much easier if he could just let go, but he can’t. He did try, he wasn’t lying to Aaron when he told him he tried to stay away. He tried so hard, but he couldn’t.
He looks around the graveyard, making sure there’s no one around that could go and run their mouth to the whole village that they saw him here, and he finally sits down, his legs crossed, and before he even opens his mouth his eyes start watering.
Taking a deep breath he finally finds his voice. “Hi, Liv,” he says, his voice shaking. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you.”
Robert feels himself starting to breakdown, so he breathes in slowly trying to calm himself. It barely works. The lump in his throat is getting bigger and the tears are trying so very hard to fall, but he won’t let Liv see him like that. “I promised I wouldn’t let you down, that I wouldn’t leave you again, and I know that I broke those promises,” he finally says. “But I was here that day. Did you see me, Liv? I couldn’t bare the thought of not saying goodbye to you one last time, even if I didn’t deserve it. I love you so much, Liv. I thought I had more time with you, but then I went and ruined everything again. I’m so sorry. Oh my God, Liv, I’m so sorry!”
He hears a sob before he realises it’s coming from him, and he sits there shaking as he sheds the tears that he’s been bottling up inside of him for so long. His face is in his hands, and he struggles to breathe between sobs, unaware that someone is watching him. Breathing starts getting harder and harder, and Robert feels like he’s going to suffocate, and all he can think about is Liv and him not being there for her when she needed him most. Why did he have to do it? Why did he have to go and ruin the only good thing he had ever had in his life?
He feels trapped, as if something is crushing his chest so tries to take of his sweater but the feeling remains, making it hard to breathe.
A hand touches his shoulder and he looks up to see Chas, of all people. “Robert, look at me,” she says, as she cups his face. “Try to breathe with me, c’mon, love.”
She inhales and then exhales, and Robert tries to mimic her, but he’s breathing is still rushed and uneven. By the fourth time, he’s breathing is still not fully controlled but at least he doesn’t feel like he’s going to suffocate anymore. He continues to breathe in and out, trying to calm himself down, suddenly feeling too aware of his surroundings. Aware of the fact that Chas just witnessed him at Liv’s grave having a panic attack. God, things just keep getting messier. He just wanted these moments with Liv to be theirs, he didn’t need everyone telling him he shouldn’t come here, that he had no right, because he knows that’s what Aaron will do when he finds out.
Once he’s feeling better he gets up to leave, he’s legs still weak from the panic attack, but Chas blocks his way. “So it’s you.”
“I’m not following,” he says, and his voice sounds raspy and nasal from all the crying.
“It’s you that’s been leaving the flowers on Liv’s grave for the past three years,” and to that Robert says nothing. There’s no point in denying now. “We’ve wrecked our brains trying to find out who it could be and it’s been you all along.”
Suddenly it’s like Chas as done a one eighty from the person he had talked to in the pub. Her face is soft, almost like she’s understanding of Robert’s actions, but he didn’t want her to have seen this. These moments with Liv, those were the only things there were his, and his alone. Being here with Liv was his safe space since he arrived at the village, the only time he didn’t think of everything that happened in the last six years while he was inside.
“Yeah, that’s me,” that’s all he has to say before he tries to leave again.
“Not so fast,” Chas stops him. “What’s going on with you, Robert? What I saw isn’t normal. You need to see someone.”
Robert almost laughs. “Are you serious?” He asks. “Just a few moments ago you were having a go at me, calling anything but a saint, now you’re pretending to care? I don’t need your help, or anyone else’s, so just leave me alone and pretend you didn’t see anything, alright?”
Chas looks at him as if she’s pondering doing what he’s saying, but he knows better than thinking she’ll let go that easy. He can count himself lucky if she doesn’t open her big mouth to Aaron about this. “I cared about you once,” she starts, and Robert flinches away from her. The reality of what his life had become hitting him all at once, in away it hand’t since Aaron’s visit in prison. “I hate you for what you did to my Aaron, but you’re not fine. You need help.”
“I don’t need help!”
“Yes you do!” She yells back at him. “Look at the state of you! You just had a panic attack, you’re far from being fine, Robert.”
“And how could I be fine, Chas?” He asks frustrated. “The love of my life hates me and is married to someone who just so happens to be some long lost half-brother I never knew I had, and I have no one else to blame but me. The girl I loved like a little sister is gone and I wasn’t here for her,” and before he realises the tears are just rolling down his face like drops of rain. “And I’ve spent six years in jail being abused in every way imaginable. I can’t sleep because I’m afraid of the nightmares, and I can barely live with myself from all the guilt and the pain I carry. I can’t do this anymore!”
Robert feels his legs give in and drops to the ground crying, the loud sobs the only thing that can be heard at the graveyard. Not knowing what to say, Chas can only hug him and let him cry on her shoulder, and for a moment it feels like Robert is just a small child holding on to her for dear life as he let’s himself cry.
He breaks away from Chas for what it feels like hours later. “I was here you know,” he confesses for the first time as he rubs the tears away from his face. “On the day she was put to rest. I was here, but I couldn’t face Aaron, or Liv, after what I had done, so I stayed away where no one could see me as they laid to rest our little girl.”
“Oh, Robert.” And there it is, the pity on Chas face, enough to sober him up and realise what he’d just done. Everything he just said to the one person in this village who hates him the most.
“I know I don’t deserve to ask for anything, but I will ask you this one thing, Chas,” he says. “Please don’t say a word about any of this to Vic, and especially don’t say anything to Aaron, he’s gonna hate me even more and I could not bare it, please.” He begs.
He gets up before Chas can say anything, and this time he doesn’t let her stop him from leaving.
***
When he gets back to Vic’s house he starts packing the few things he has.
Coming back had been a mistake, he could see that now. No one wanted him here, not even his sister, so really, there was nothing left for him here. Aaron had moved on, Vic thought he was better starting over somewhere else, and his son missed him. There was nothing tying him down to Emmerdale other than a stupid fantasy that Aaron would one day look at him and remember that it was Robert that he loved.
He grabs his phone and the first thing he does is change his background from the photo of him and Aaron with Seb and Liv, to a recent photo of him and his son. Then he calls the only person who had been there for him, even when he didn’t want her to, for the last six years.
“It’s over, Alicia,” he’s voice barely louder than a whisper. “I should’ve never come back, I was just chasing a life that doesn’t exist anymore. You were right the whole time.”
“Oh Robert,” he hears her gentle voice from the other end of the line. “You know I wish I was wrong about it, don’t you? I really hoped Aaron would come around.”
“I know, you were just looking out for me, and I really appreciate that,” he says. “But I knew deep down I was just chasing something that I knew I was never gonna get back. It was foolish.”
There’s a brief silence between them before Alicia breaks it. “Do you need me to go get ya?”
“Yes, please,” Robert’s voice trembles as he says it. “I’ll be catching the next bus to Hotten, can you meet me there?”
“Of course, love,” she responds. “And Robert? Things might’ve not turned out the way you hoped them to, but don’t forget that you’re still loved very much. And Seb can’t wait to see his favourite person in the whole world.”
At the mention of Seb he can’t help but smile. Even thought he’d lost Aaron, for good this time, and that he’ll never get Liv back, he still has Seb. Seb who looks at him like he hangs the moon and not like the screw up he is. Seb who always makes sure to tell Robert he loves him. Seb who’s grown into this amazing kid who sees the good in everyone and beauty in everything. Seb who Robert loves the most in the whole world — a love that he never thought he could feel.
He knows this is not the life he thought he’d have, or the family that he’d give Seb, when he married Aaron that second time in front of everyone that mattered to them, but sometimes plans change, life throws you a curve ball and you have no other choice but to make the best of it. And sometimes family is just you, your son, and a friend you reluctantly made in a help group in prison, and that’s okay.