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Ichigo has had worse. He's almost died, hell, he HAS died, he's had friends taken from him and had his sisters used as bargaining chips. He's won against his instincts, he won against the strongest soul reapers, arrancars, and even beat his own depression back. Why does it feel like he's losing the battles now despite them being over?
He laid in bed staring at the ceiling, his body felt heavy, each limb a thousand pounds. His heartbeat sluggish, lungs shaking with each inhale, and eyes bruised from wiping away tears. He knew he had to get up and get it together, but it felt more impossible than anything else he had ever done before. He felt pathetic.
When it had started, there was anger underneath the emptiness. Anger that he couldn’t just get himself out of bed. That he couldn’t do more than use the bathroom and occasionally eat. Anger at the dishes that kept towering up, anger at the dust on the shelves and counters, but mostly anger at himself for not being able to push through everything like he has before.
How he was now, there wasn’t even energy to be angry anymore. There was a hollowness in Ichigo’s chest. It wasn’t his actual hollow, or even similar to the emptiness of when Ulquiorra killed him. It was similar to when you cry for so long that your entire face feels swollen and your hearing is dulled from how loud your own wails were. The silence was suffocating but the sound of his own breaths grated on his ears like nails on a chalkboard.
He had muted his phone days ago, the notification sound feeling like a pit in his stomach. He didn’t have the energy to talk to anyone, much less act like everything was okay. They wouldn’t understand. They didn’t back when his inner hollow started emerging or when he lost his powers. How would he explain that he felt scooped out after defeating Yhwach.
Ichigo knew Yhwach was dead, he knew that his loved ones were safe, but he couldn’t shake that a part of Yhwach is still with him and always would be. It doesn’t help that there were so many lives lost during the war and so many unconfirmed. The one who bugged him the most was Grimmjow. Urahara had confirmed with a shake of his head that he hadn’t found the arrancar afterwards and Ichigo was frankly too exhausted not to trust that was simply it.
The exhaustion hadn’t left. It bled into everything, painting the world in a thin film of grey. Ichigo would still go out and hunt hollows on occasional nights, avoiding ones where he knew his friends would be out. It was cathartic to feel his zanpakuto’s weight in his hands. If he was lackluster in his defence, nobody was there to prove it.
One night changes everything. Striking blue hair surprises him after finishing off a hollow. He couldn’t mistake that hair anywhere, which meant Grimmjow was alive! He was alive and here in front of Ichigo with his hands in his pockets and a snarl on his face, “Urahara tell ya I’m dead and you turn into this moppy mess?”
Ichigo felt a spark of life, like some of the color was flooding back into his vision, “I knew you couldn’t be dead. Well, I hoped at least.”
“Tch, like someone that weak could take me out. We had a deal for a fight and I ain’t missing it.” Grimmjow walked closer and examined Ichigo, “But it seems like your ass ain’t up for a fight. What’s wrong with you?”
There was a sharp inhale from both men from the surprisingly genuine question. Ichigo broke eye contact and looked past Grimmjow, the lie slipping easy from his lips, “Nothing’s wrong.”
“Bullshit, even I can see something’s not right with you and I ain’t even your friend. Spit it out, I want to know.”
Ichigo stood silent for long enough that Grimmjow thought he wouldn’t be getting an answer before the silence was finally broken, “It doesn’t feel like I shouldn’t have survived the war and I’m just a ghost in my body. I barely won against Yhwach, just dumb luck that he chose Aizen over me. Now that it’s over, I feel like an animal taken from the wild and put in a cage. Everyone just expects me to return to normal, but I think part of me died on the battlefield.”
Silence fell between them as Ichigo took deep breaths. He hadn’t even admitted that to himself and he just told Grimmjow of all people. They finally found some sort of camaraderie if not tentative friendship even if Grimmjow wouldn’t admit it and he just ruined it by word vomiting out his feelings. There was no way back-
Grimmjow hit Ichigo’s shoulder roughly, “Get outta your head, Kurosaki. You should know better that I'm the only one that's got the right to kill ya. You've promised me a fight and I ain't losing to no shinigami.” His face broke out into a feral grin, “‘Less you're too chicken shit to fight me again?”
Ichigo let out a half hearted chuckle before smiling, “I'm not scared. I did promise you, didn't I?”
Grimmjow looked away from him and sighed, “You know, I wasn't expecting I'd fully make it out alive after that poison freak either. So you're not alone in close encounters. You gotta push through and use it as a way to get stronger, else you're stuck still fighting them instead of the opponent in front of ya.” He turned back to Ichigo, “And ain't no way is there going to be a fight with me where you're focusing on anyone or anything but me.”
Laughter bubbled out of Ichigo, “You don't give me room to think of anything but you.” Heat colored Ichigo's ears as he processed what he said, “In a fight of course.”
Grimmjow laughed, “Whatever you have to tell yourself to sleep at night, Kurosaki.”