Chapter Text
Chapter 1
“Hey, what’s that?” Neal asked, looking at Jeremy curiously, who seemed to be sucking on a lollipop.
“A lollipop,” the boy answered as if that was obvious, not really helping Neal much.
“Where did you get that?” Neal asked then, eying Jeremy intently.
“From Rachel,” Jeremy replied.
Neal felt his intestines grow cold. “Rachel? Who is Rachel?”
Maybe it was just a weird coincidence. Oh please, let it be a weird coincidence. He felt his stomach drop when Jeremy pulled the lollipop out of his mouth and Neal realized that it was the exact same kind of lollipop that he had handed to Peter outside that bank the first time they had met all those years ago.
“Your friend Rachel,” Jeremy eyed his father like he was particularly slow that day. “Though she said that you might remember her better as Rebecca. Why does your friend have two names, Daddy?”
Neal froze. “You’re not supposed to talk to strangers, Jemmy!” He said sternly, the moment he got a grip on his emotions again. “How often do I have to tell you that? How many times have we already told you not to talk to strangers? Damn it, Jemmy!”
If he was angrier than he should have been, it was due to the fear that had taken hold of him.
Jeremy’s bottom lip started to quiver after Neal’s uncharacteristic outburst. “She said she was your friend, Daddy. Not a stranger.”
“Do you know her? Have you ever seen her with me before?” Neal asked, still angry.
Jeremy shook his head.
“Then she is a stranger to you. What if she lied to you and wasn’t my friend? Huh? We have told you so many times not to talk to anyone that you don’t know.”
“I’m sorry, Daddy,” Jeremy said solemnly, as his first tears won the fight against his every intention not to cry. But to have his father get angry with him like that was just something Jeremy didn’t know how to deal with.
Neal took Jeremy’s hand, his eyes darting around them, as he pulled his son up from his seat. “Let’s go.”
Jeremy’s eyes widened. “Go? But, Daddy! The movie…”
“We’ll watch the movie another time. We have to go. Now!” Neal pulled Jeremy along with him, the boy only crying harder now.
They had wanted to watch the newest Disney movie together. Neal had promised Jeremy that they would go and see it. Just the two of them and Jeremy had been really excited. And when his daddy had gone to get popcorn for them, Jeremy had promised solemnly not to move from his seat and to wait for him to return. And he had. How was it his fault that his daddy’s friend had come to him and had given him a lollipop?
When Jeremy pushed the lollipop back into his mouth, Neal angrily pulled on it. “Open your mouth.”
Jeremy looked at his father scared and wide-eyed. “Daddy?”
Neal took the lollipop from Jeremy’s hand and tossed it away.
“Daddy!” Jeremy cried out, only crying harder now. Not only would he not get to see the movie and eat popcorn, now the lollipop was also gone.
“We have to go. Now!”
Jeremy cried bitterly as Neal picked him up and hurried to his car in the parking garage with him. Neal put Jeremy, who was an absolute mess by now, in his booster seat, only stopping to look around and check their surroundings. Not that Jeremy noticed. He was too far gone in his distress.
Once they had made it onto the road and were headed home, Neal finally started to calm down a bit. With dread he realized the state that Jeremy was in - thanks to him - and immediately started to feel like a jerk. The poor boy didn’t understand what was going on and how could he? Neal reached a hand to the back seat and ran it up and down Jeremy’s leg, the only part of his son that he could reach.
“Hey Jemmy, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I got angry. So sorry, you have no idea.”
Jeremy continued crying and Neal continued apologizing, feeling like the biggest jerk this planet had ever seen. When they arrived back home, Neal went to the back of the car and immediately got Jeremy out of his seat and pulled him into a tight embrace.
“I’m sorry, Jemmy. So sorry. I didn’t mean to yell at you. I really didn’t. I just got really scared for a moment there. I love you so much and the thought that some stranger might hurt you…I overreacted. Sorry, Jemmy. I’m so sorry.”
Jeremy leaned into Neal’s embrace and sniffled. “I’m sorry, Daddy. I’m sorry I took the lollipop from her.”
“Shhhh, it’s okay. It’s okay. I’m the one who’s sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled at you. I love you,” Neal said once more.
After a few moments, Jeremy turned in Neal’s arms and eyed him carefully. “Are you still angry, Daddy?”
Neal exhaled, then shook his head. “No, I’m not. And I’m sorry that I got angry in the first place. I was just so worried.” He kissed the top of Jeremy’s hair. “I love you so much, Jemmy. You have no idea.”
“I love you too,” Jeremy replied without hesitation.
Neal sighed in relief, starting to head towards the front door. “I’m sorry about the movie. I promise we’ll go another time and we’ll watch it then.”
“With popcorn?” Jeremy murmured quietly.
“Of course. With popcorn and whatever else you want. I promise!” Neal chuckled softly, then opened the door of the house. He watched as Jeremy raced upstairs to be met by a confused Josh at the top of the stairs.
“What are you two doing here? I thought you were going to watch…,” he then stopped, apparently noticing the tears on Jeremy’s face. “Hey, what happened, buddy?”
“I made Daddy angry,” Jeremy said quietly, only to be corrected by Neal right away.
“No, you didn’t.” Neal then sighed. “It’s not your fault, Jemmy. I told you. And I’m sorry that I got angry, but it wasn’t your fault.”
“Neal, what…?” Josh frowned, looking at Neal intently.
Neal never got angry with the boys. He hardly ever got angry with anyone, but never with the boys. He had the patience of a saint when it came to them. Something wasn’t right about this. And seeing the look that Neal gave him, he had a feeling that something was very, very wrong.
“Hey, why don’t you play with Happy and Nay for a bit and I’ll get you a snack in a few minutes, okay? I just need to talk to Papa for a moment,” Neal said to Jeremy, who nodded.
“Okay.”
Neal ruffled his son’s hair and smiled at him. “Thanks, Jemmy.” When Jeremy had disappeared in the living-room and they could hear Nathan call his name happily and Happy woofing, Neal turned to Josh. “I need to call Peter.”
“Neal, what…?” Josh asked impatiently.
“Rachel approached him at the cinema when I was getting the popcorn,” Neal said and could see Josh tense.
“Rachel? Your psycho-ex Rachel?”
Neal nodded. “I think so. When Jeremy told me, I panicked. God, Josh, I yelled at him. I didn’t mean to, I just, I was so worried about what she could have done to him while I was gone to get the popcorn. I shouldn’t have left him on his own.” Neal hid his face in his hands. “It’s all my fault.”
“I thought she had left the country,” Josh said urgently.
Six weeks ago Peter had come to them with the news that Rachel had broken out of prison and was on the run. For two weeks the FBI had a team stationed outside their home to keep an eye on them, everyone assuming that sooner or later she would make contact with Neal. When she hadn’t and nothing had happened, everyone had just assumed that she must have left the country, New York being too hot to stick around. Her face had been on every TV in the country, being shown in every news broadcast. The authorities had started an unparalleled manhunt which hadn’t brought a single lead to her whereabouts.
Even Neal had agreed that she must have left the country and he and his family had slowly started to return to life as normal.
“Apparently we assumed wrong. She approached Jeremy when I wasn’t with him. What if she had taken him or hurt him?” Now Neal was the one crying.
“Hey, calm down,” Josh whispered, taking the distraught man into his arms. “He’s fine. A bit shaken, but fine. Are you sure it was really her?”
Neal sighed. “When I came back with the popcorn, Jeremy was sitting exactly where I had left him in his seat, but he was sucking on a green lollipop. The exact kind of lollipop that I gave Peter the first time I met him. Not many people know about that.”
“And she does?” Josh frowned.
“You should have seen the research she had on me, Peter, and everyone in my life. I’m sure she knew.” Neal ran a hand through his hair. “When I asked Jeremy where he had gotten that lollipop from, he told me my friend Rachel had given it to him. Though I might remember her better as Rebecca. That’s not a coincidence, Josh.”
Josh had to agree that a coincidence sounded very unlikely. “Shit.”
Neal just nodded, exhaling miserably. “I completely lost it then. I yelled at him for talking to a stranger and basically pulled him out of the cinema in front of everyone. You should have seen how he was crying. I scared him, Josh.”
“Hey, I’m sure he’ll be fine,” Josh said quietly. “You panicked, it happens to the best of us.”
“I shouldn’t have. Not in front of him. He was so scared. Of me. He was scared of me, Josh.” Neal sobbed heartbreakingly, feeling worse than he had in years. “I made him scared of me. What kind of monster am I?”
“You’re not a monster,” Josh whispered, holding his husband close. “You overreacted and made a mistake. I’m sure he’ll understand that when we explain it to him. He’ll be alright.”
“I…,” Neal continued crying into Josh’s shoulder, never finishing his sentence, too distraught to form a clear thought.
Josh held him for a few minutes, then looked up when he heard Jeremy call for them. He sighed, knowing that he should check on the boys. For now Neal would have to pull himself together on his own. He made Neal look at him. “You,” he started seriously, trying to stay as calm as he could muster. “You will call Peter, like you said and you will let him know that she talked to Jeremy. I’ll make sure that they’re both alright. Don’t worry about them. Okay?”
Neal eyed Josh for a few moments, then looked to the living-room when the door was opened wider by Jeremy, who looked at them with a frown.
“Didn’t you hear me? I called you.” He then eyed Neal. “Why are you crying, Daddy?”
Josh nodded at Neal, telling him to do as he had said, then turned to Jeremy. “Hey, buddy. Is everything okay in there? You and Nay didn’t destroy the living-room while Daddy and I were talking, did you?”
Neal gave them one last look, then headed upstairs with a sigh.
“Papa, why is Daddy crying?”
Josh pulled the boy into an embrace and held him close. “Daddy feels really sorry about what happened at the cinema. He didn’t mean to get angry with you and now he feels really bad about that.”
“I know that I’m not supposed to talk to strangers and I’m sorry that I took the lollipop from her, but she said that she was Daddy’s friend. I’m sorry.”
Josh kissed Jeremy’s forehead and held him close. “It’s okay. Don’t worry about that now. Daddy is just feeling really bad about getting so angry with you. He’ll be fine.”
“He apologized,” Jeremy said. “I know that he’s sorry. He said he just got really worried because I talked to a stranger. I didn’t mean to worry him.”
“I know,” Josh whispered, running a hand over the boy’s back. “I know. And Daddy knows that too. It’s okay. How about we all have some ice-cream, huh? How does that sound?”
“Ice-cream?” Jeremy asked, clearly perking up at Josh’s suggestion.
“Yeah, I think we can all do with some ice-cream today.”
“Okay,” Jeremy agreed, never needing to be asked twice when it came to ice-cream.
Soon after Josh and the boys were sitting at the dining table, having some ice-cream and Neal joined them a few minutes later, giving Josh a look that told him that he had talked to Peter.
“I’m just going to help Daddy get some ice-cream as well,” Josh announced, then smiled at both boys. “Try not to make too much of a mess, okay?” He then headed into the kitchen, Neal following him. “What did Peter say?” Josh asked quietly.
“He’s heading here right now. He called in the whole team and asked Diana and Jones to come here as well.”
“What are we going to tell Jeremy and Nathan?” Josh asked, wondering how to explain an invasion by the FBI at their home.
“I told Peter to use his key and to set up downstairs in the apartment. He promised that it would be only him, Diana and Jones in the house, no one else.”
Thank God they had given Peter a spare key for their house months ago. They had given it to him for emergencies or what counted as emergencies when you had a toddler, after Nathan (and Jeremy) had spent the night at Peter’s and Elizabeth’s while Josh and Neal had attended a fundraiser together and Nathan had been inconsolable when they had realized that Josh had forgotten to pack his favorite blanket without which the boy just couldn’t sleep. Now, if something like that ever happened again, they could just come and get it themselves and wouldn’t have to deal with a toddler throwing a tantrum all night.
“So we don’t say anything for now,” he sighed.
Neal shrugged. “Do you really want to try and explain this to Jeremy?”
“I wouldn’t even know where to begin,” Josh admitted.
“I’m sorry,” Neal whispered, looking at him miserably.
“Hey, you have nothing to apologize for, so don’t,” Josh muttered angrily.
“That’s my crazy ex who approached our son after I left him unsupervised. And then I lost it and yelled at him and scared him shitless. I think I have a lot to apologize for.”
“Unless you called her and asked her to follow you and Jeremy to the cinema, no, you don’t! Yes, you overreacted and it would definitely have been better if you hadn’t yelled at him like that, but you’re only human. We all are. So please, stop beating yourself up about this. Quite frankly, we have way bigger problems right now,” Josh told him sternly, then pushed a bowl with some ice-cream into his hands. “Now go out there and eat that ice-cream and pretend that you enjoy every bit of it. For their sake.”
Neal looked at Josh then at the bowl and sighed. “I really can’t.”
“Do you think I feel like eating ice-cream right now? No, I don’t. I’m scared shitless right now, but if we don’t want Jeremy and Nathan to know that something is seriously wrong, we’ll have to go out there and eat ice-cream with them. Can you do that? For them?”
Neal held Josh’s gaze and finally nodded.
“Good,” Josh whispered, less sternly now. He then kissed Neal’s temple. “I love you, okay?”
Neal nodded, then turned around and left the kitchen. By the time he made it to the dining table, Nathan had smeared most of his ice-cream all over his face and Jeremy was feeding Happy some of his own ice-cream.
“Oh Nay,” Neal whispered, eying his son with a smile, leaving Jeremy and Happy for Josh to deal with. “Did you even eat any of your ice-cream or did you just smear it all over your face?”
Nathan looked up at his father with a happy grin. “Daddy!”
Neal sat down by Nathan’s side and ran a hand through his son’s hair. He chuckled softly. “You’re a right mess, aren’t you? Just like your daddy.”
“Daddy!” Nathan squealed once more, holding out his messy hands for Neal to take.
Neal held out one of his hands and allowed Nathan to grab it and play with it. After a minute or two he picked up the boy and sat him down in his lap. “Let’s get you cleaned up a bit, okay?” He then stood up and headed into the kitchen with the mess that was his son. When they returned a few minutes later, Nathan looked almost presentable again and immediately started reaching for Neal’s bowl of ice-cream once they had sat down. Neal was quite happy to let Nathan have some of it, seeing how he didn’t feel hungry anyway. He fed the boy a couple of spoonfuls and enjoyed his carefree happiness. If only he could take some of that and inject it into himself.
“Daddy?”
Neal looked up to see Jeremy looking at him curiously. “Yeah?” He shook himself, knowing that he must have missed Jeremy calling for him before. “Sorry, did you say something?”
“Can we go and paint in your studio later?” The boy asked, eying Neal carefully.
Neal shared a quick look with Josh, who nodded encouragingly. “Uhm, do you want to?”
They had painted together in Neal’s studio many times before. Jeremy loved painting there with Neal. He loved all the paintbrushes and colors that Neal had that he didn’t have in his own room. He also loved when his daddy helped him and gave him advice on how to make his own paintings better.
Jeremy nodded eagerly. “Yes, please?”
Neal smiled at him. “I think that sounds like a great idea.”
Now the boy smiled widely. “Cool!”
Josh took Neal’s hand and squeezed it, offering some quiet comfort. ‘It’s going to be okay’, he mouthed and Neal nodded, knowing that he was most likely right. That was the great thing about kids. They just bounced back, no matter what.
They finished their ice-cream and Neal told Jeremy that there was something he needed to do first before he could go to the studio with him and could Jeremy go and play with Nathan and Happy for just a few more minutes and then they could head up.
Jeremy had nodded happily enough and Neal had then made his way downstairs to the guest apartment. He had heard the door a few minutes before and knew that Peter must have arrived.
They talked for a few minutes, Neal filling Peter in on what had happened in some more detail. He also told him that they didn’t want Jeremy to know what was going on, not wanting to scare him and also struggling to explain to him what was really going on.
“I should talk to him,” Peter argued. “Get a firsthand account from him.”
“No,” Neal shook his head. “I’ve already told you everything he told me.”
“Neal, you know I’m trained for these situations. I can talk to him without him knowing what’s going on,” Peter said quietly.
Neal sighed. “No. He already knows that this encounter rattled me. If you start asking him questions about it as well, he’ll know that something is going on. He’s not an idiot.”
Peter was clearly not happy, but knew that there wasn’t much that he could do. Jeremy was a minor and even though he might be his best friend’s son, Peter couldn’t talk to him about this without his father’s consent.
“If we could at least get some sort of description from him. He knows what she looks like now,” he tried once more.
“I’ll be heading up to the studio with him. I’ll try to get him to describe her to me and will get you a sketch. Would that work?”
Peter nodded. “All right.”
“I’ll send Josh down to bring you guys some food and something to drink,” Neal offered, as he headed back to the hallway.
“You don’t have to,” Peter said.
“I get the feeling that you’re going to be staying here for a while, so we might as well make you all a bit more comfortable.” As Neal was about to leave the apartment, he stopped and turned back to Peter with a frown. “Does Elizabeth know? She has that baby shower today. What if…?”
Neal didn’t have to finish the thought for Peter to get it. “What if Rachel goes after her or anyone else? Way ahead of you. I called her from the car and filled her in. Two agents are waiting outside the house and will escort her back here the moment the baby shower is over.”
“I bet she didn’t like that,” Neal sighed.
“No, she didn’t, but she also remembers what Rachel did to Siegel and Mozzie, so didn’t put up too much of a fight.”
“What about Moz? And June?”
“Diana’s getting Mozzie. She was going to call him and have him watch Theo when I called her in. I told her it might be better not to leave them alone. And we have two agents stationed at June’s.”
“So Diana is bringing Theo and Moz?” Neal wondered. “Way to not let Jeremy and Nathan know that something is going on.”
Peter sighed. “With what Rachel is capable of, it seemed like the best call to make. Unless you would prefer a safe house for everyone, we’re going to have to try and protect everyone here.”
“No,” Neal shook his head. “It’s - it’s fine. I just hate to uproot everyone.” He ran a hand through his hair. “I just hate this. Josh - he and the boys - they don't deserve this. Rachel is my past, my mess and now she could hurt them because of me.”
“We won’t give her the chance, Neal,” Peter said seriously. “She won’t hurt anyone.”
“We couldn’t stop her the last time,” Neal sighed. “And if she hurts them, I-I don’t know what to do then, Peter. I can’t let her get close to them like that. It’s my fault that she got this close to Jeremy. What if she had taken him? Or hurt him? It would have been my fault. I left him alone…”
When Neal started crying, Peter moved over and hugged him akwardly. “Hey, you were in a cinema and left to get some popcorn. Millions of parents do that day in and out. You couldn’t have known that she would be there.”
“I was stupid to believe that she had left the country. I should have never let my guard down. It was stupid. I know what she’s capable of and I let it down anyway. If something had happened to him, it would have been my fault,” Neal replied miserably.
“Don’t say that! We all let our guard down. If anything, it’s all our fault, not yours! I’m in the FBI. Diana is, Jones is. You’re not. You’re a father who took his son to see a movie. There’s nothing wrong with that.”
They stayed locked in their embrace for a few more minutes, until Peter’s phone started ringing.
“I should probably take that,” he said apologetically. Neal nodded, wiping away his tears. “Okay… Yeah…We’ll let you in right away.” When Peter hung up, he turned to Neal. “It’s Jones. He’s outside.”
“Okay, I’ll let him in,” Neal said quietly, then headed towards the front door. A few moments later, he was back with Jones by his side.
“Go and take care of your family,” Peter said gently. “I’ll bring Jones up to speed.”
Neal nodded, then headed back upstairs. He quickly told Josh that Diana would bring Theo and Mozzie and that Elizabeth would come over after her event as well.
In all fairness, Josh took the news in stride and immediately started organizing where everyone could sleep. Something Neal hadn’t even thought about with everything that was going on.
“I’ll call Lewis and have him bring over some mattresses and blankets from storage,” Josh said, referring to a friend of his that was in charge of the Safe Haven house in Manhattan. “They always have some for emergencies. Theo can bunk with Jeremy, Mozzie can crash in Nathan’s nursery. I’m sure he won’t mind. Peter and Elizabeth can have the guest room downstairs and Jones can crash in the living-room. Do you think Diana would mind crashing in the studio? Or Jones? Then she can have the living-room if she prefers.”
Neal eyed his husband in amazement. “You’re amazing, do you know that?”
“Thankfully I know a thing or two about organizing space for people to sleep in. College parties, starting Safe Haven and having more demand than we had space.”
Neal lowered his head. “I should be doing this. This is my mess and I should take care of it.”
“Hey, don’t say that. We’re in this together. Through good times and bad, through thick and thin. Remember? We deal with messes together and take care of them together.”
“But,” Neal frowned. “You’re doing everything. What am I doing?”
“The most important thing,” Josh said seriously. “You can come up with something to tell Jeremy about why everyone will start crashing here because quite frankly, I have no idea how to sell that.”
Neal smiled wryly. “And you think I do?”
“You’ll come up with something. I know you will. You’re the smartest person I know and if anyone can sell this in a plausible way, it will be you. I trust you completely,” Josh whispered, then gave Neal a quick kiss.
Neal rolled his eyes, but kissed Josh back. “I better take Jeremy to the studio and come up with something before Theo and Moz get here with Diana. I wonder what she told Theo.”
“Probably that she has to work and that he’ll stay with us and then she’ll leave the rest to us,” Josh speculated. “That’s what I would do.”
“So absolutely no pressure for me to come up with something.”
“No, no pressure,” Josh smiled. “You can do this.”
Neal hoped that Josh was right. He went into the living-room and told Jeremy that he was ready to head to the studio, if he still wanted to go, and Jeremy happily came along as Neal headed upstairs with him. Josh stayed downstairs with Nathan and Happy, keeping their youngest busy.