Chapter Text
Jackie and Shauna go to the same dentist. Actually, they share almost every single doctor with each other. Maybe it’s the small town thing of it all. Passing referrals from person to person, parent to parent. But, like everything with Jackie and Shauna, it’s always a little different.
Their dentist, Dr. Peterson, has a big beautiful fish tank—filled with saltwater fish and neon colors. Shauna always liked fish. The way they're confined to a small space, happy to just swim and eat and hide. There's something comforting about the closeness of it all. Like the feeling of a weighted blanket or a tight elevator—edging claustrophobia but not quite there.
The first time Shauna went to Dr. Peterson’s office, she lit up at the sight of the fish tank. She sat extra close, nose pressed against the glass—her breath fogging up small areas for seconds at a time. And she watched the fish swim and eat and hide until “Shipman” was being called by the dental assistant and she was being escorted back.
And that week at school all she could talk about were the fish. “The scales were so shiny and one was orange—I think a clownfish? My mom told me that’s what it’s called. And-and! Jackie, one was really really yellow! Your favorite color!”
Jackie swung across the jungle gym on their school’s playground, gripping the last bar and jumping off. She stuck the landing perfectly.
“You’re so good at that. My hands always get so sweaty,” Shauna said, looking up at Jackie in awe.
Jackie jumped down from the all metal step and skipped over to Shauna, grinning. “It’s ‘cause I still go to gymnastics. Unlike you.” She jokingly stuck her tongue out at Shauna.
Shauna groaned and rolled her eyes. She never actually wanted to do gymnastics, but Jackie did. After their first competition, when Shauna refused to actually compete in favor of watching Jackie do her floor routine, her mother realized she was wasting her money and decided to pull her out. “You’ll find another, better activity to do with Jackie, hun,” her mother said to a then-pouting Shauna on the car ride home.
“Can I come see the fish?” Jackie said. She stood at the top of the jungle gym ready to swing across once more.
“Yeah! Maybe…” Shauna paused. She looked down and kicked a few wood chips—nervous to continue her sentence. “Maybe you can just come to my dentist? Like forever?”
By the time she looked back up, Jackie was already halfway across. Shauna never understood how she had such a natural athletic ability. Sometimes it made her jealous—other times happy. She never really knew which one would come first.
Jackie turned to her, one hand hanging on the bar, the other dangling by her side. “Oh em gee! Yes! Yes!” She flashed Shauna her famous Jackie Taylor smile. All teeth—minus a canine on her right side—and pretty round cheeks lightly brushed with scattered freckles. “I’ll ask my mom tonight,” Jackie said and continued another round of swinging. Once again, she stuck the landing perfectly.
From that day forward, Jackie started seeing Dr. Peterson and Dr. Peterson’s amazing fish. Which is how Shauna ended up sitting in the waiting room on a hot July afternoon during the summer before their senior year, staring at the same beloved fish tank. Now sporting some different fish, of course.
“She should be out soon, Miss Shipman,” a woman behind the front desk called out to her.
Miss Shipman.
They’d known Shauna since she was three feet tall. Her first name should be fine by now.
“Thank you,” Shauna replied and focused back on powder blue tang pecking at the floor of the tank. Her face was not nearly as close to the glass as it would have been when she was a child.
Shauna wasn’t sure how many minutes had passed when she heard Miss Shipman again. “Miss Taylor is ready. She still has some of the drugs in her system, so she may be disoriented. Just give her plenty of water and no solid foods today,” the dental assistant reminded Shauna. Shauna nodded in reply.
“Some of the drugs” was an understatement. Jackie was high . Higher than anything given to them by Natalie Scatorccio. It took three attempts to get Jackie out of the office (“Oh, wait. Let me see the fish. Shauna loves the fish.”) and into the passenger seat of Shauna’s car.
“My legs work fine y’know,” Jackie said while actively stumbling into the passenger seat. Shauna quickly grabbed her by the forearm, adjusting herself to hold Jackie up and gently positioned her in the seat.
“No, they definitely do not,” Shauna replied, closing the door with a huff.
Shauna never understood how she got roped into taking care of Jackie all of the time. Not like she never wanted to, or she didn't want to be there for her friend. But Jackie always had Jeff or her parents or the millions of girls from their class that were up Jackie’s ass half of their high school career. Ugh.
And she knew Jackie and Jeff were on one of their notorious breaks.
(“It’s serious this time, Shauna. I don't want to go to college with baggage. ” Shauna had winced at that statement, afraid that she was part of the so-called baggage.)
And she knew her parents were out of town—they were always fucking out of town. But still, Shauna felt like a nurse, a housewife, an emergency contact that was being called whether there was an actual emergency or not.
Sometimes Shauna imagined herself as a disgruntled underpaid 9-1-1 operator. Ma’am, you can't call this line for a makeup emergency. We have real problems to deal with.
Shauna did. She had plenty of real problems to deal with.
Back to reality, Shauna tossed Jackie’s dentist paperwork into the backseat, walked around the car and slid into the driver’s side.
Jackie slumped over in what Shauna thought was a very uncomfortable position. To each their own. As long as Jackie knocked out on the 20 minute drive back to her house, she didn't care what position she was in.
As soon as she pulled onto the highway onramp, the dream of low music and silence beyond her inner thoughts died.
“Owie,” Jackie moaned, cheeks slightly puffed up from the gauze in her mouth. “It hurts.” Shauna saw her stirring in her seat from the corner of her eye. The few words Jackie uttered were muffled by her full mouth.
Her voice was higher pitched than usual. She sounded like the same kid that swung across the monkey bars.
“I know, Jackie,” Shauna said—her eyes flicked between the speedometer, rearview mirror and her whining passenger. “I have medicine for you when we get to your house.”
“Ughhhhh,” Jackie pouted. “But my mouth. It hurts Shaunie.”
Shauna’s chest tightened at the nickname. It wasn’t one of Jackie's most used—definitely didn't hold a candle to Shipman . But occasionally it popped out. Mostly when Jackie was drunk, or sleepy, or feeling really sentimental. Shauna added really high after dental surgery to her mental list of those special times and tried to move past it.
She glanced over at Jackie, who was about to put her fingers in her mouth like a fucking toddler.
“Jack-no! Don't touch your fucking mouth!” Shauna swatted Jackie’s hand away, jerking the car to the right with her. “Fuck,” she grabbed the steering wheel again, centering the vehicle.
“The car went weeeeee,” Jackie said giggling. She turned on her side and faced Shauna. “Can you do it again?”
“No, Jax,” Shauna replied. She hit her turn signal and shifted the car over a lane to her left.
Jackie let out a small whine and wiggled in her seat. Shauna glanced over and saw Jackie closing her eyes—sleep moving through her tired face.
Thank fucking God.
Afraid of losing her moment of peace, Shauna sat still. If it was up to her, she would turn the radio up. She would tap to the beat of her favorite songs and maybe even sing a few lines. But she was currently a glorified taxi driver. She focused on driving, forcing herself to be comforted by the humming of her car’s engine and Jackie’s loud breathing.
Shauna shot another concerned glance at Jackie. Jackie’s mouth was slightly open—breathing in and out. Her lips were fixed in a natural pout. Her hands were tangled underneath her chin to help support her head on the car seat.
Dumb.
Cute.
Ugh.
When Shauna would go swimming as a kid, her ears always got blocked. Her mom would tell her to lean over and shake her head really hard. Sometimes it would make her dizzy. Usually she’d laugh so hard she’d stop caring about the uncomfortable feeling in her ears.
Now, Shauna shook her head, harder than needed, hoping the thoughts would fly out of her head just like the water in her ears.
The rest of the drive was calm. The roads were generally clear, Jackie continued her loud breathing—eventually turned into snoring, but Shauna will keep that knowledge to herself. Shauna even allowed herself the privilege of changing her radio volume from a level two to a level three. Great.
When they arrived at Jackie’s house and Shauna’s poor attempt at getting Jackie up the stairs to her bedroom concluded, Shauna swore Jackie was more drugged up than when she left the dentist office.
Shauna washed her hands in Jackie’s bathroom and opened up a new pack of gauze. She made her way over to Jackie, who was now propped up in bed with two pillows behind her head.
“I have to change your gauze. Open up,” Shauna said, her hand open underneath Jackie’s chin.
Jackie reluctantly spit the gauze out in Shauna’s palm. Shauna placed it on a napkin on the nightstand next to her bed.
Jackie looked over at the discarded pieces and let out a giggle. “They’re so grossssssss.”
“Yeah, they are,” Shauna smiled. “Open your mouth please?”
Jackie did as Shauna asked, opening her mouth wide. Shauna placed one hand under Jackie’s chin to keep her steady. She placed the pieces of gauze in the backsides of Jackie’s mouth—one on each side.
“All good,” Shauna said. She gently tapped Jackie’s chin signaling her to close her mouth. She rolled up the napkin with the used gauze and threw it in a small trashcan in Jackie’s bathroom.
“Hey,” Jackie’s voice traveled.
“Yeah?” Shauna called back. She dried her hands on one of the two towels embroidered with JT and a surrounding ring of various flowers.
“Do you know my friend Shauna?”
Shauna froze with a start. She had heard countless stories where Person A would help take care of Person B after a surgery. And usually a clueless Person B would then spew out countless amounts of secrets and inner thoughts to a very clued in Person A.
Shauna could lie. She could go back into Jackie’s room and say, Shauna isn’t here. Tell me all those pretty thoughts in your head Jackie. Tell me the fucked up ones too. Let’s make sure we cover everything.
“I am Shauna, Jax,” Shauna decided to go with instead. She stopped at the edge of the bed, looking down at Jackie.
“No, that’s Shauna!” Jackie pointed to a photo on her dresser. A small framed photo of her and Jackie from a birthday party when they were younger. “That’s my Shauna.”
Shauna felt the same shooting pain in her chest as earlier in the car. She might need to get that checked out soon.
She cycled through the options in her head.
- Tell Jackie again that she is Shauna and that’s that. Stop her from saying anything stupid.
- Go with Jackie’s fake reality. Let her speak openly.
- Ask Jackie about herself and hope she throws out a comprehensive list of compliments along the way.
The third option was too self indulgent, even for Shauna. The second was lying. Shauna was fine with lying. Was she good at it? She’d like to believe she was. The first one was what a good friend would do. Probably what Jackie would do if she was in Shauna’s shoes right about now.
(Shauna never really had a choice when it came to Jackie anyway.)
Jackie decided for her. “Shauna’s my best friend.”
“Uh huh,” Shauna responded. She carefully sat on the edge of Jackie’s bed.
“She’s so pretty…and smart…” Jackie said. “And sometimes she’s mean. Like-like those fish with the teeth that go grraah.” Jackie stuck her hands in front of her face and wiggled her fingers at Shauna.
“A piranha?” Shauna guessed.
“Yeah! Those little guys,” Jackie hummed. She dropped her hands back to her lap and played with her fingers. “She’s prettier. Like I know the fish have cool colors and stuff. But Shauna is cooler.”
Shauna’s face was bright red—she didn’t need a mirror to confirm that. Every compliment was a bullet through her brain, lodging itself deep inside and never making an exit wound. She regretted even thinking about that third option now.
“She sounds, um, really great, Jackie,” Shauna muttered.
“Yeah, she is…” Jackie said. She trailed off looking into the distance at the same photo that she pointed at before.
Shauna’s eyes scanned Jackie’s room. The photos were scattered throughout, but not blatantly visible. Like a game of hide and seek. There were a few more of her and Shauna—some of Jackie alone, even a random one or two of Jeff.
“That’s my boyfriend. Sorry no, wait, ex boyfriend,” Jackie scoffed. She must have noticed Shauna staring at that photo a second too long.
Of course Jackie remembers Jeff in her inebriated state.
The “ex” of it all floated back through Shauna’s mind. “Why ex?” This was her opportunity to pry, in the most casual way possible.
“Ugh, soooo many things! I just-I just don't really like him anymore,” Jackie scooted herself down the bed and curled in. She turned on her side, still facing Shauna. Then, she patted the place next to her, inviting Shauna.
Shauna hesitated. Was this really the best idea? Shouldn't she be downstairs making Jackie soup or something? Not gossiping.
“Lay with me,” Jackie said, tone more demanding than asking.
Shauna gave in, shifted up the bed and propped the pillows behind her head. She sat up next to Jackie with her fingers interlaced in her lap.
“Why don’t you like him anymore?” For once, Shauna’s mouth was working faster than her brain. She regretted the question as it left her lips. She wasn’t even sure if she wanted the answer.
(She did.)
“He’s just boring and bland and-and meh.” Jackie made a sour face. “He’s not a good kisser either.”
Shauna nodded her head. “I see.”
“But!” Jackie poked her bicep. Shauna leaned her neck to the side to make eye contact with Jackie. Her face was beaming with a big smile slowly spreading across. “You know who is? Like so good. Like the best.”
Shauna hummed to ask who. If she opened her mouth now she wasn't sure what would come out.
Vomit, blood, a confession.
“Shauna.”
From Shauna’s perspective, life is rarely kind to her. Her dad left unannounced at a young age. Her mother is only home half the time. For Christ’s sake, she even had to take her license test four times over because she kept backing up into the curb in the final minutes.
(Well, and, she may have cursed out one of the DMV employees. But that’s irrelevant.)
But regardless of her family issues, low income, and general anger issues (irrelevant, whatever), the desperate need for constant validation from her best friend remained on top.
So, she never really prepared herself for a moment where the wanting became having. The compliments she’d quietly longed for suddenly became overwhelming to process.
Jackie, blissfully unaware of Shauna’s life collapsing next to her, continued on. “Shauna and I kissed once. Well. No like—” Jackie stopped and placed her pointer finger on her lips. “We’ve kind-we’ve kissed a lot. And I like it. A lot” , Jackie declared. She looked up at Shauna with wide eyes and a smirk—making sure to emphasize how much a lot was.
As if Shauna wasn't fucking there.
The first time it happened, they were fourteen. It was a Friday night in late October. Jackie was staying over at Shauna’s for the night, which wasn’t out of the ordinary. The entire day, from school to soccer practice to the ride home and even dinner with Shauna’s mom was ordinary. There was no way for Shauna to know where the night would end up.
“Jeff Sadecki asked me out today.” Jackie nonchalantly flipped through an old music magazine—her back was leaning against one of the bed posts.
“Did… did you say yes?” Shauna replied. She rolled flat on to her stomach and dropped her head over the side of the bed.
Jackie tilted her head up at her. Shauna could smell her lavender vanilla perfume. “No…yes…I’m not very sure.”
“Whatdya mean?”
Jackie went back to flipping through the magazine. “It’s just—I like Jeff. He’s obviously cute, like, the cutest guy in our school.” She paused and started to play with the edge of the page. “What if he kisses me?”
“Then you kiss him back?” Shauna said, puzzled. Wasn’t that the entire point of dating?
Jackie groaned and dropped the magazine. She placed one hand on the floor and spun herself around to face Shauna eye to eye.
“I’ve never kissed anyone, you know this,” Jackie reminded her. “He’s going to think I’m really really bad and never want to go out with me again! And maybe even tell the whole school! Shauna I cannot deal with that, we’re only freshmen.” She dropped her head into the edge of the mattress.
There were plenty of things Shauna could have said. “Don’t worry, Jackie” and “He wouldn’t do that” and “He likes you for you” and even “I’m sure you’re good at it.”
But instead, she went with “I could teach you.”
Jackie narrowed her eyes, searching for something in Shauna’s expression. Then she burst out laughing.
“You haven’t kissed anyone either! How would you teach me, Shipman?” Jackie was practically curled in on herself cackling.
“Okay, fine, whatever! Forget I tried to fucking help,” Shauna spat out and quickly rolled back on to her stomach. She crossed her arms and pouted at the ceiling.
“Wait, I didn’t mean it like that.” Jackie replied from below. Suddenly, Shauna felt the mattress dip in—Jackie’s annoying face replacing her lovely view of the ceiling. “I’m sorry. I just-I’m not sure how you’d teach me. We both don’t know what we’re doing.”
“Well,” Shauna continued to pout, “I read.”
“You read.”
“Yeah. I read a lot ,” Shauna bit back.
Jackie hovered over. She smirked, clearly trying to bite back another fit of laughter before—
“Okay.”
“What do you mean okay?”
“If you read so much and you’re oh so knowledgeable, then show me.”
“Right now?”
“Yeah.”
“Like right now?”
“Yes. It’s now or never Ship-”
The collision was messy. All teeth, a slight jut of tongue. A loud squeak flew out of Jackie’s mouth on impact. Their noses pressed together uncomfortably.
Shauna released her mouth and dropped her head back on the mattress with a bounce.
“That wasn’t—”
“Very good, yeah, I know.” Shauna finished Jackie’s sentence. She was embarrassed, to say the least. Overwhelmed by the moment, to be exact.
They stared at each other, Jackie still hovering over Shauna. Shauna watched the rise and fall of Jackie’s chest. She swore the motion started to speed up ever so slightly.
“Again,” Jackie said on a breathy exhale.
“Okay.”
One quick peck turned into two which turned into a longer peck. And the longer peck turned into a full kiss. The full kiss transformed into two open mouths and a lot of exploration. This ordinary Friday night activity became multiple Friday nights, a few Tuesday and Thursday nights and even one Sunday morning. That one was Shauna’s favorite.
Maybe up until now.
Shauna swallowed thickly—her throat was dry and most likely caving in. She briefly wondered how strong the pain killers sitting in the pharmacy bag were.
“Uh huh,” Shauna squeaked out. She cleared her throat. “So is, um, so what, uh. What does that have to do with J-Jeff?”
My god, this is so embarrassing.
“Oh!” Jackie grabbed Shauna’s bicep and gave it a squeeze. “‘Cause I don't like how Jeff kisses. And I like how Shauna kisses. So I was like,” another squeeze to Shauna’s bicep, “why am I kissing Jeff?”
“I-I think I get it,” Shauna muttered. Shauna got it. She more than got it. She felt it every single time her tongue was down Jackie’s throat. She really fucking got it.
“Yeah…” Jackie trailed off again—blinking slow and controlled. “You think Shauna thinks I’m a good kisser?”
So good. So fucking good. The best thing she's ever felt. Heaven in a movement and action. So good that she can't stop thinking about it and wants to throw herself off her roof every time she remembers she can't do it for the rest of her life. That’s how good.
“I’m, uh, yeah. I’m sure she does.” Smooth.
“Cool,” Jackie said, pleased with the answer. Her cheeks flushed the most beautiful shade of pink.
Just when Shauna thought the torment, the one she wished for (idiot), was over, Jackie sprang back up. Her big hazel eyes were front and center to Shauna’s vision. She squeezed her bicep tight.
“Do you think,” Jackie burst out. She brought her energy back down before continuing the thought. “Do you think, um, doyouthinkShaunalikesgirls.” She spewed out the rest of her thought so fast it took Shauna a moment to process it.
That and the inevitable fact that her best friend of almost her entire life was asking her—mind you, high as hell—if she liked girls.
The girl she likes asking her if she likes girls. Ironic.
“Uhh,” Shauna said. She looked down at her bicep and the divots in her skin from Jackie's grip. “I mean, uh. Wow. That’s-that's, uh,” Shauna fought to get the words out. She cleared her throat twice. “She-she could…maybe… like girls.” Her voice went high pitched by the end.
Jackie’s eyes went huge, bigger than they ever have been. Her jaw dropped at the new information.
This is it. And all it took was a fucking anesthetic.
“Oh boy,” Jackie whispered, her face still beaming with excitement.
Shauna needs the fucking anesthesia next.
Jackie slid back down, now shifting closer to Shauna. She laid her check on her own hand around Shauna’s arm.
A beat passed. Then Shauna heard, “I really do hope so.”
Could Shauna have a heart attack at her age? Was that possible? Maybe an allergic reaction. A medical emergency had to be happening inside of her body. Her throat was closing in, her heart rate had to be at two hundred beats per minute.
She didn't know what to do or what to say. She didn't even remember how to talk.
Slowly the hand around her bicep loosened. It snaked around her body and settled at her stomach. Jackie scooted closer—squished her cheek into the same arm she was stroking before.
It felt like hours. It felt like minutes. But finally—
“Wh-why do you hope so? About, um, Shauna liking girls. Just curious is all. Do-do you like girls? Sorry that's really abrasive. I shouldn't be asking that while you're still a little drugged up.” Shauna couldn't stop the word vomit.
She forced her mouth shut. Thankfully.
Silence filled the room.
Shauna was afraid to look down. She squeezed her eyes shut and took a deep breath in. On the exhale, she opened them and heard a small snore.
Jackie, fast asleep, holding on to Shauna like she was her lifeline. Shauna wished Jackie knew how reversed that feeling was.
Jackie looked so calm and peaceful. Not a care in the world. Very unlike someone who had some teeth removed that same morning.
Shauna couldn't help it. She moved without thinking. She leaned down and pressed a kiss to the crown of Jackie’s head—careful not to wake her. She smiled as a tear rolled down her cheek and closed her eyes.