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“ It's something sinister to love without regard for dear tomorrow.” - Noah Kahan, Close Behind
It is an unfortunately well-known fact that the emotional turbulence of adolescence is the time in one's life when a person is most susceptible to contract Hanahaki disease. Despite this awareness, any attempts at reducing these statistics continues to elude scientists around the world. It’s a point of heavy debate and a hot button topic in politics.
In Japan, the current legal course of action for anyone under the age of sixteen who contracts the disease is surgery at the guardian’s behest. It’s been observed by a number of psychologists that suicide rates in the ages twelve to sixteen have risen exponentially since those laws have come into effect.
Experts argue these facts remain unconnected.
Tsukishima Kei disagrees, and he considers the flowers in his own lungs certification enough to back up his observation. Anything would be better than the options before him now.
He is lucky, he knows, as he sits across the table from his mother who sobs into her hands. She attempted to remain stoic as Kei relayed the facts of the past few days for her and she succeeded until just after she promised not to force Kei to take the surgery. She wants to. He can see it. But she won’t and for that he is grateful.
He retreats after that, unsure how to address the sight of his mother, the strongest woman he knows, in tears over him. His vision blurs as he wanders deeper into his head, far away where he cannot hear his mother shattering.
He mourns his headphones, abandoned at the foot of his bed.
A warm hand on his shoulder brings him back an unknown amount of time later. His mother’s hand he distantly recognises. Her hand slides off his shoulder and across his back before the warmth falls away and he hears the front door open, then close. He blinks, taking in the dark kitchen and the now empty seat across from him. He is grateful for the reprieve. He doesn’t really know how to help her feel better right now, he’s having a hard enough time figuring out how to make himself feel better.
As if summoned by that vague thought, his chest tightens. What follows is quickly starting to become routine, petals and foliage force its way up his throat and he throws himself at the nearest garbage can as he begins coughing, hacking, gasping as he forces the petals out and attempts to replace them with air.
He kneels beside the garbage can, breathing heavy as he wills his limbs to stop shaking and his muscles to relax. A macabre bouquet of sunflowers and bloodstained babies breath holds his attention.
When the shaking stops he rips the bag from the can and marches out the front door. He turns, throws it at the wall and its contents spill into the grass. In a similar fashion, Kei allows himself to fall to the ground, eyes turned skyward. His eyes lock onto the moon and a hysterical giggle bubbles inside his chest.
How ironic.
How pathetic.
How cliche… that the moon should fall in love with the sun.
Kei prides himself on being the mature one of the first years. Not prone to overly enthusiastic bursts of energy like Hinata or Kageyama, and mellow enough to calm Yamaguchi and Yachi’s overwhelming anxiety.
So why the hell is he the one dealing with Hanahaki of all things?
It’s only been a few days since he felt the first petals but he can tell his irritation is already coming to the surface, his soft words coming out rough, his humour sharper than normal, more like a knife then the dull edge he usually presents.
Every sound grates on his nerves. On top of the endless cough, he’s in a constant state of overstimulation. Which is really not great for thinking clearly. And thinking is kinda what he needs to be doing. He needs to figure out what his next move is.
Kei does not want to die. He’s not sure how attached to his feelings for Hinata he is just yet. He knows he doesn’t want to make a huge deal about it. His world is crashing down around him but no way in hell is he going to let anyone else know that. His thoughts are interrupted by another coughing fit.
When his chest stops spasming, he feels a tap on his shoulder and lowers his headphones.
“Are you okay, Tsukki?” Kei knows the concerned look his friend is probably wearing but he pointedly keeps his eyes on the pavement in front of them.
No he’s not. “I’m sick.” He offers with a shrug, he won’t lie to Yamaguchi. He just won’t offer the truth freely.
“Do you want to take the day off? I could bring your homework for you later.”
He shakes his head. “It’s fine.” It comes out harsher than he intended.
“Okay…,” the smaller boy trails off. Guilt immediately twists his stomach. He didn’t mean to snap at Yamaguchi, he was just worried after all.
Kei doesn’t apologize, instead slips his headphones over his ears and walks a few steps ahead of Yamaguchi as the school comes into view.
Kei does not find Hinata Shoyou as annoying as he would have the rest of the world believe he does. In fact, if he was a couple years less jaded, he might have admired him or tried to be his friend.
In Kei’s mind, the problem with Hinata is simple… He meets Hinata outside the gym practicing with Kageyama (because the idiot somehow already got himself kicked out) and Kei halts. For a moment, as he watches Hinata chase the ball, he forgets that the sun has already gone down for the day.
Hinata burns, and it’s a little bit magnificent.
The second he lays eyes on the orange-haired ball of energy, it was clear that Hinata was the kind of person who gave his entire heart and soul to the things he loved.
Once the problem would have been envy. Green-eyed jealousy that the other boy could exist in this life so fantastically.
But now, the problem is this: Kei could not look at Hinata's light without seeing his mother’s hollow eyes as his father walked out the front door for the final time. The tears on Yamaguchi’s face as he dealt with bully after bully, wound after wound. The look of anguish from Akiteru when confronted with the truth hidden behind his own lie.
The problem is Kei will not care for another person that the world has yet to crush, because eventually it will.
He won’t do it again.
Kei has never known what it’s like to encounter the sun up close, but he’s certain watching Hinata play volleyball is damn close. As he takes to the sky, Kei is Icarus caught in his orbit and at risk of losing everything, falling, crashing.
Morning practice goes as it always does. They practice, Kei uses most of his energy just trying to avoid looking at Hinata, more practice, Kei inevitably gives up on not looking at Hinata and instead resorts to being a jerk so that maybe Hinata stops looking at him.
It’s annoying, and it usually doesn’t work anyway. Kei isn’t even sure if he wants it to work at this point.
Kei likes his routine, finds comfort in knowing exactly what to expect everyday, but he finds the way everything is still the same despite the flowers growing in his lungs slightly… frustrating. His life is reaching a slow end, but the world spins on. It’s a crisis waiting to happen so shoves the thoughts away.
His options are clear: Confess to Hinata and risk death anyway when Hinata rejects him. Get the surgery and watch life grow even more muted than it already is (and probably die because of it.) Or just let the Hanahaki kill him.
Dark humor aside, Kei doesn’t actually want to die. Which is the part he keeps coming back to.
He’s ripped from his thoughts unceremoniously by a ball to the face. How embarrassing.
He rubs his cheek where the ball hit him and scowls. Hinata crows on the other side of the court. “HA, it wasn’t my face this time!”
Kei pinches the bridge of his nose and waves off Yamaguchi who is holding out Kei’s glasses for him after retrieving them from the floor. Takeda-sensei waves him over and Kei goes quickly, resisting the urge to throw up a middle finger at Kageyama who finds Kei’s misfortune hysterical.
“Are you alright, Tsukishima-kun?”
“Yes, sensei.”
He hesitates before he nods. “If you’re sure. But if anything starts to bother you, go to the nurse.”
Kei nods. A familiar squawk of indignation catches his attention and he turns to find Hinata walking towards him, pouting. Behind him, Kei notes Kageyama and Yamaguchi working on serves.
“Jealous your boyfriend is helping someone else, squirt?” He calls. He just can’t help himself, can he?
Hinata’s eyes widen and then he scowls. “Bakayama is not my boyfriend. Ugh, I don’t know why I bother. I was gonna ask if you were okay, but now I don’t care…” He looks away but stays rooted where he is, very much disproving his statement about not caring.
Yamaguchi is smiling and heading over and he can see Kageyama watching them now. “I’m fine, short-stack, don’t keep loverboy waiting.” He nods in the setter's direction. If ‘loverboy’ comes out slightly colder than he intended he only hopes Hinata doesn’t notice.
“Would it be such a big deal if I did?” He hisses.
Kei frowns. “Did what?”
Hinata rolls his eyes and groans, “Had a boyfriend, Jerkishima.”
Maybe he had noticed. “Oh.” Kei is elated by this new information, but also annoyed that Hinata thinks him low enough to judge someone’s romantic preference and now suddenly desperate to get away from this conversation as his chest starts to flutter. He shrugs. “I don’t give a damn who you like short-stack, I just want you to stop with the moon-eyes.”
Good one, Kei, super fantastic come back you just thought up, he chides himself. Still, it serves its purpose. Hinata looks properly nullified before he frowns again and turns. “I don’t have feelings for Kageyama.” He growls, stomping away.
When he’s alone once more, he slips out of the gym and around the building where he expels the petals he’s currently choking on.
His throat burns as he leans against the building limp and breathing heavily. It’s only been a week and a half but the attacks are already getting closer together.
What the hell is he going to do?
Why does he have to do anything? He misses non-chalance. Internal anxiety is Yamaguchi's thing and frankly, he can keep it, Kei is not a fan.
“I think he went that way…” Kei hears Hinata say and dusts himself off on his way to intercept whoever is looking for him so they don’t see what he’s left behind. He rounds the corner and comes face-to-face with Yamaguchi.
The shorter boy opens his mouth but stops when Kei holds up his hand. “If you ask me if I’m alright again, I might throw myself from the school roof at lunch.”
The joke falls flat. “Okay. Sorry, Tsukki.” He says slowly but when he turns to walk away, Kei can tell the other boy is upset.
He hangs his head. Damn, this sucks.
That night, after the house has gone to bed, Kei spends 45 minutes rolling around, switching positions in search of something comfortable. He then gives up because apparently breathing and lying down don’t go hand-in-hand when you have Hanahaki, and opts to go downstairs.
He stops when he hears his mother awake in the living room.
Upon closer investigation, he realizes she's crying. Familiar sunflower petals rest on the coffee table in front of her. Kei’s stomach twists.
His mother is crying– sobbing in a way he hasn’t heard from her since after his father left– for him.
Fuck this. He creeps back up the stairs already accepting that he will sleep little tonight. He’s getting the damn surgery.
At least that was his plan.
His mother had already left for work by the time he was up for school, so he intended to tell her at dinner.
Being cornered on the roof during lunch by a frantic Hinata was not a part of this plan. He’s waiting for Yamaguchi when he hears the door slam and turns to see Hinata sprint toward him, eyes wide and watery.
“Who is it?” He shouts without any preamble.
Kei rolls his eyes. “Context, chibi.”
Hinata drags a hand down his face and starts talking again. “Yams said you’ve been acting weird lately, and he knows you best so I got worried and then during practice– he was right! You were being so weird. After practice I went to see if Yams found you but you were both gone instead I found these!” His hand shoots out and sunflower petals fall from it like tragic confetti.
Kei wants to make a comment on how there wasn’t a single breath in any of that but instead he says, “Petals? You found flower petals… outside?” He raises an eyebrow.
Hinata growls. “I may not be as smart as you, but I know there aren't any sunflowers around the gym, idiot.” He waves his arms at the petals on the ground. “And you were acting weird. Plus there was blood. Tsukishima, I don't care if you…” He swallows, “I’m not trying to be mean or something. I just don’t want you to die.” The last part is so quiet Kei strains to hear it.
Hinata lifts red, determined eyes to Kei’s. “I don’t want you to die.” He says louder this time. “So who is it?” His voice cracks and a single tear escapes down Hinata's cheek.
A tear… for Kei.
Kei really doesn’t want to care. He tells himself he doesn’t. But the flowers in his lungs beg to differ.
He thinks for a moment, as he reaches up and wipes that tear away, that it’s kind of beautiful how his own damn emotions, his capacity to love someone, is what's killing him slowly. No matter how hard he tries to convince the world, convince himself that he doesn’t care, it’s become tragically clear how much he truly does.
His thumb lingers on Hinata’s cheek. A thousand excuses flit through his mind but it doesn’t seem fair when Hinata is crying for him. “It’s you.” He smirks, even as his chest spasms and he falls to his knees.
Several minutes and a small bouquet later, Hinata is on his knees next to him, rubbing a small hand down his back. His breathing steadies and then he lets himself fall back onto his hands.
A moment passes, then another and Kei focuses on breathing.
Then Hinata smacks his arm and growls. “Bakashima.”
Kei shrugs. “It’s okay really. Don’t be mad. I’m gonna get the surgery–”
Chapped lips cover his, stealing whatever else he was going to say. Kei leans into it, ignoring the ache in his chest.
When they pull away, they’re both bright red. Hinata frowns. “I’m not mad that you like me, Idiot. I’m mad that you waited to confess and it caused you so much pain.”
Hinata takes his cheeks in his hands. “I like you too, dumbass.”
Kei smirks again. “I’m getting mixed signals.”
“Ugh. I. Like. You.” He shouts, throwing himself dramatically across Kei’s lap. “You and your stupidly long legs and amazing blocks and annoying as hell smirks—,” This time Kei kisses him. With Shoyou’s lips on his, he doesn’t spare a thought to candles that burn out and heartbreak.
Instead, he thinks that no matter what happens, the sun always greets him in the morning.
He thinks the moon comes out at night so the sun will always be able to shine throughout the day.
He thinks he'd like to kiss Hinata Shoyou again.