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My dearest Emily,
It’s been six months. For six whole months I’ve tried opening a new book and seek a new purpose in my life. As you may guess, it did not work.
After Will’s death, I lost my husband, I lost the man that I loved, the man I built a family with, the man I shared my whole life and routine with. I feel really stupid and guilty writing this, but I wish I could’ve found the courage to bring this out earlier. I felt like I died too. No more humor, no more real and honest smiles. All of me was just gone in a few days. I know you’ve tried to lift me up, you tried to make me smile and laugh… I don’t blame you for giving up after a while. I gave up too.
I thought coming to Ireland would change everything, it would open a new landscape, a new home, new people to meet. Truth is, I’ve been trying to detach myself from you all, and especially you Em.
I’ve always kept everything together, you know it, you have been next to me the whole time. But I didn’t notice or at least— not totally. I wasn’t aware of your warm dedication and for that, I am so sorry.
You asked, 3 months ago, by a simple text, if I was doing good. I’m not. Nothing is fine. And I didn’t even have the courage to reply to you. Because then, I would’ve lied. Told you that everything was fine, and you shouldn’t miss me.
Emily. I asked the boys to pick a city to visit in Europe. I owed them a nice trip. They picked Paris. All of the sudden, I felt like drowning again. It killed me on the inside. It opened a wound that I didn’t know was still there. I still had all the memories, but somehow the feelings were buried deep.
Then it hit. While the boys spent a day at the amusement park, I thought I’d go to the café, next to the Eiffel Tower, remember?
The day we came together to Paris, to protect you. The day only the two of us knew you were alive, the day we shared a forbidden secret.
I’m very sorry for reminding you of this hurtful past. Although you were struggling, I was grateful to be by your side, helping you every minute. Even if it hurts me to write about it, I miss this so much. Our relationship, our inseparable bond. The next day, we went to a restaurant called “Les Amours” (The Lovers; I’m not sure why I’m translating since you speak fluent French, maybe I'm doing it for myself. It holds more meaning that way). I remember telling you that 'I've got you.’ and you replied 'I've got you too, always.’ Now those words haunt me.
I spent so many nights by your side, waking up as you screamed because of a nightmare, holding you in my arms until we both fell asleep. Wiping the hot tears on your left cheek, I remember the way your left eye was always the one to tear up first. I remember when we wouldn't talk about something that was bothering us, we would just tell the other “ice-cream”, then we'd go buy a huge tub of ice-cream, hiding it under our coats because food was forbidden in our hotel rooms. I remember the sound of your heart pounding as I pulled you close to me, to reassure you, to make you feel loved. I remember you.
Finally, I remember resisting the thought of kissing you on the lips those nights. I never did because that would've been wrong. Wrong to you, wrong to Will. But deep down now, I feel like it would've been so right.
I'm not sure how to end this letter, I never felt the same after leaving you in France to go back to Quantico. I'll never forgive myself for leaving you all alone. No one to turn to. Or if you did turn to someone, I hated the thought of them able to hold you in their arms. I wanted to be the one to do it. I wanted to hold you so hard that your bones would crush. Just for you to know you're safe, you're loved… by me.
I hope this letter reaches you well.
With love, JJ.