Work Text:
Dazai thought Chuuya was so utterly human. He thought it was beautiful.
It was strange how he didn't realize it.
Why would he help the sheep? Did he not realize how illogical it was? How they were using him?
He did, he does, he still cares anyway.
“Why are you staring at me like that, Shitty Dazai? Too scared you’ll lose?”
What? Oh right, the arcade.
“Why would I be scared of a chibi who never wins?” He spoke, moving his gaze back to the clunky arcade machine.
“God, you-” is how Chuuya's yells at Dazai started while the match started. It was also how they continued when Dazai won again.
Chuuya continued his spew of yells and curses standing on the machine to see Dazai over it, doesn’t he know he should watch his language?
He stands on the machine to appear bigger? How funny. Dazai would say that outloud, but he thinks Chuuya would simply shoot right back and shut it down. Dazai has to admit even though he's annoying, everyone else would back down.
“Chuuya is so much like a loyal puppy!”
“What the hell is wrong with you Dickhead!?”
He supposes that's a fair question. Not that he would ever admit that Chuuya had a good question. This is the sheep’s perfect weapon?
“So small and angry.”
He was the sheep’s perfect weapon. He had no idea how he was being treated wasn’t normal. Had no idea how horribly they viewed him. Until he did of course, and he stayed. He stayed even though it wasn’t the best option for him, because of his connection to them.
To Dazai that seemed so.. Human.
“Play the game dumbass!”
Oh right, the game.
The mission had gone well, playing as Mori wanted them too. With Chuuya and Dazai unable to escape from the plan he had thought out.
This time, however, something changed. Dazai realized he could hate. He realized he could hate Mori for using them, playing them like chess pieces. He could hate the way he had to follow his command. How he was specifically handpicked for everything he’d gone through.
It felt human.
Dazai felt it strange to refer to himself like that. It didn’t feel right, Dazai didn’t do that, he analyzed things with logic. He knew he himself had emotions, but they weren’t part of the problems he handled.
Again, he knew he had emotions. Of course he did.
He didn’t know he was allowed to have this one.
It felt strange. To acknowledge how he is allowed to do this. He supposes on the surface it was obvious, no one was stopping him from hating Mori. …He didn’t realize it tho.
It made him feel alive.
For some reason, in his free time, Dazai’s mind drifts to the one it often drifts to, Chuuya Nakahara. A lot had happened in the mission, yet somehow, that’s not what Dazai was thinking about.
His mind often drifts to Chuuya, as much as he would like to deny that. For a while Dazai couldn’t figure it out. Which was another rare occurrence. He knew the small hatrack had a few interesting traits that stuck out. Mostly his neverending, foolish, loyalty to others, or his strange pattern of forgiving easily.
Eventually he did figure it out. Chuuya was so utterly human, at least in his actions.
By that he meant he was just a little foolish.
Humans were and are foolish, in Dazai’s mind at least. Making a choice based on emotions when logically it wasn't the best choice was.. Strange.
His mind lingered on Chuuya’s forgiveness of the sheep a lot. They truly used him, saw him as nothing more than a guard dog, yet, he forgave them.
Dazai understood, of course, being human, to an extent. He was aware of humans' fragile emotions, mostly how easily they were controlled. He understood some traits.
He was also aware how it was slightly admirable.. To other people of course.
Helping others because you want to, because you feel it's what is right is admirable, to others of course. That's exactly what Chuuya did.
Feeling human, feeling alive… Dazai would be lying if he said he didn’t wonder if Chuuya felt alive.
Weirdly enough, some small part in Dazai’s mind hoped Chuuya feels alive.
Dazai stood there awkwardly, watching Chuuya help a kid. On the sidewalk. Like a small kid. Not like the sheep at all. She couldn't have been older than 6.
Dazai knew Chuuya has always had this soft spot for kids. He also knew that he loved to help people when he could. It was just a little strange seeing it happen.
Dazai stood on the edge of the sidewalk, arms to his side (he wasn't sure what to do with them) as he watched. Some would call it admiring but that word made his stomach go a bit queasy.
It had started out with the girl fully stopping on the sidewalk and pointing out his hair. Chuuya’s reaction as someone called him “orange-head” (Dazai would have to write that one down.) was undoubtedly funny to Dazai. Chuuya’s face turned into a scowl and he yelled at Dazai to stop giggling, safe to say she wasn't very happy anymore.
She dropped her crepe right on the floor and started to tear up. When Chuuya whipped his head around to see her frozen in place.
That's when he did the strangest thing. His voice went softer, he softened his eyes, and he was calming her down. He kept his hands in his pocket as he bent down and spoke to her, apologized.
Dazai froze too, but because he had never seen this from midget Chuuya Nakahara, part of Double Black, the deadliest group in Yokohama, and he was comforting a fear stricken child. It was.. Beautiful.
When Dazai realized his mind was often occupied by a certain slug he figured it would pass, that it was just general interest in someone new. Eventually he realized it had been a bit too long for it to just be interest in the new, but instead interested in his actions.
His mind was so different from himself. It felt so much more human. Sometimes Chuuya will say or do some small action, but it’ll plant itself in the “Why Chuuya is human.” mental corkboard.
Dazai thought his humanity was unusually so.
Wait, beautiful? That can’t be right. It was still foolish for him to care as such, and even to pause the whole mission just because he scared some kid.
When Dazai focused back to the real world the kid had a small smile on her face.. And so did Chuuya.
Maybe beautiful isn’t totally the wrong word.
Chuuya rushed past Dazai not wanting to hear the eventual teasing that would come from Dazai.
It didn’t come. Dazai watched Chuuya for a bit, in awe, before coming back to his senses and joining Chuuya’s side. The brief period of silence was thick before Dazai muttered,
“Orange-Head” Instead of cursing though Chuuya followed it up.
“You’re allowed to not be an ass all the time you know?”
So maybe Dazai found it just a bit beautiful.
Odasaku had died. Right in front of him, Dazai was devastated. He hated to admit it.
He had been on the ground, bleeding out, right in front of him. Kneeling over him while he spoke his last words. His last words directed specifically to him. He had seen many die in front of him before. He had killed many before. This felt different. This was different.
Somehow Odasaku had stayed throughout all of Dazai’s bratty insults and pushback. Somehow it was like he cared for him.
Did he? Dazai cared about him. More than he realized until this moment. It honestly scared him.
Somehow he had gotten past all that nonsense Dazai would say, he understood him.
He understood him way more than Dazai realized he did. How did Dazai not even notice how close he had gotten? There was so much he had missed.
“Since both sides are the same, become a good person”
Dazai realized that Oda was right, that Dazai should have realized this. That he was on the wrong side. That it would never fill the hole he had. He was smart enough to understand that, that it could help. Being on the side that helped people. Like Chuuya, despite being surrounded by people who do ‘evil’ he still saved who he thought deserved it.
If he was honest with himself now, which was unusual, then he could admit he found the idea of helping people so beautiful, Unusual. So human.
“Odasaku… I… What should I do?”
Even if it was foolish, he so badly wants to be foolish if it means he's human.
He's not sure he’s allowed to be.
“I understand… I’ll do that.”
He is sure that Oda was right. So he's going to do just that. Be on the side that saves people. Maybe life will become just a bit more beautiful.
It had been years since Dazai left the port mafia. Since he had listened to what Oda said, joined the side that helped people.
He was so much happier. Life did feel more beautiful. He went from being surrounded by a few people that were unusually human and kind, to a whole group of them. A whole group of foolishly beautiful humans.
Atsushi had so much empathy and saw the good in everyone.
Kunikida, while strict, cared about everyone as much as he did his schedules. Including Dazai.
It was the opposite of what Dazai was used too, but it made him just a bit happier, and admiring life just a bit more.
Here Dazai was locked in the basement of the Port Mafia. It was a familiar building and Dazai wasn’t sure whether he hated the wave of memories that came again. Despite hating Mori he supposes the place has some good memories.
Speaking of good memories, Dazai can hear the short sound of footsteps down the stairs.
Lifting his head he sees who he expected, the one and only Chuuya Nakahara. Although he expected him, his heart still starts to beat ever so slightly nervously. He controls his heart beat as he fights off a smile.
It felt good to see him again. Dazai wondered if he was still so unusually human despite working in the port mafia, although he quickly realized he would be.
That's just the kind of person Chuuya was.
Dazai found Chuuya to be beautifully, unusually, human.