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Jaebeom’s life changes forever at 2:47 am on a Tuesday morning in February. He almost doesn’t pick up the phone when it rings, grumbling to himself about common courtesy and civilized times to be calling people as he drags himself out of bed. His brain is still acclimating to being awake when the tinny, unfamiliar voice on the other end informs him that there’s been an accident and he’s been listed as the emergency contact.
Jaebeom’s sister has been an integral part of his life for as long as he's been alive, especially since their parents passed away when he was only sixteen and she was twenty. It doesn’t register for him at first that she’s gone. He stands in the darkness of his room in stunned silence. “Sir?” the voice asks softly. “Sir, are you still there? I’m sorry to break the news to you this way, but I'm afraid your sister and her husband were gone before the ambulance reached the hospital.”
Jaebeom’s ears are ringing, his world spinning, and he sits down on his bed in a daze. A horrifying thought crosses his mind. “Youngjae and Yugyeom! Please tell me - please tell me they’re not -”
“Their sons weren't with them,” the voice interrupts soothingly. “The children are currently unaware of what has happened.”
Jaebeom lets out a sound halfway between a sob and a sigh of relief. He feels more awake now that he knows his beloved nephews, at least, are okay. “What’s going to happen to them?”
“Well, that’s part of the reason I had to call at this time,” the voice informs him apologetically. “You’re her next of kin, and therefore, as of today, the legal guardian of her sons.”
The person on the other end can’t see him, but Jaebeom still shakes his head in panic. “What?”
“Someone will be at your house later today to finalize the technicalities, but for all intents and purposes you are now the legal guardian of the children,” the voice says calmly. “I understand this is a lot to take in, sir. I’m so sorry to have to inform you of everything all at once like this.”
“I -” Jaebeom can’t even begin to express the problems he has with the proposed arrangement. He’s a young adult just out of college with a limited income and absolutely no order in his life. He’s the farthest thing possible from an acceptable father for Youngjae and Yugyeom. But he also knows he could never leave them to be taken in by some unknown family, so instead of protesting, he weakly replies, “Okay. Thank you.”
“I’m very sorry for your loss, sir,” the voice concludes mournfully. “Please try and get some rest, and remember, someone will be by later with the boys and the paperwork.”
Jaebeom feels entirely drained as he hangs up the phone and sinks back into his mattress. He doesn’t know how he manages to fall asleep after that, but he wakes up with the faint hope that it was all just a dream. He glances at his phone, sees the call history, and, with a sinking feeling in his heart, accepts that it was all real.
Jaebeom stumbles over the piles of clothes scattered around his small room - reminders of how unsuitable a candidate he is to be a parent - and emails his boss about the situation to explain why he won’t be in for the rest of the week as he makes his way out of the room.
He stands in his kitchen, reality crashing down around him. His sister and his brother-in-law are gone forever. His nephews are legally his children now, and he has no legitimate plan to support him. Before he can allow himself to go into full panic mode, there’s a knock at the door. Jaebeom slowly opens it to reveal his friend Mark beaming at him.
Mark takes one look at his friend and his smile fades immediately. “What’s wrong?” Jaebeom opens his mouth, then closes it again, shaking his head frantically, the tears that have been threatening to fall all morning finally spilling over. The level of concern on Mark’s face skyrockets. He takes out his phone and dials a number as he wraps his available arm around Jaebeom’s shoulders. “Jackson, I’m sorry but I think you might need to get Bambam ready today. I’m going to be here for a while.” Jackson says something, and Mark responds with an exasperated, “Fine, you’re right, I’ll bring him there.” Even though he doesn’t sound particularly happy, there’s a hint of fondness in Mark’s voice as he talks to his boyfriend.
Mark guides Jaebeom a few doors over, where Jackson is already waiting with the door open, worry written all over his face. Jaebeom has never been more grateful that two of his best friends live in the same apartment building as him. Mark gently places Jaebeom on the couch as he and Jackson seat themselves on either side of their friend. Jackson exchanges an uneasy glance with Mark before asking, “What happened, Jaebeom-hyung?”
Jaebeom wipes at his eyes furiously. “My - my sister. She -” He breaks down again before he can finish the sentence, the reality of the situation washing over him unpleasantly.
“She what?” Mark asks gently, dreading the answer.
“She’s gone,” Jaebeom chokes out. “She’s gone, and so is her husband, and Youngjae and Yugyeom are orphans and -”
“Oh god,” Jackson breathes. He grasps Jaebeom’s hand and squeezes it, unsure of what to say.
Mark seems to realize the significance of the situation without Jaebeom saying anything. “You’re their legal guardian now, aren’t you?”
“I can’t be a parent,” Jaebeom whispers. “I can’t. I don’t know the first thing about it.”
“Jaebeom-hyung, don’t forget we’re always here for you,” Jackson reminds him. “And we’ve got a bit of experience now anyway. You think we knew exactly what we were doing when we adopted Bambam? Of course not. But you’ll learn, and you’ll be great at it, I promise.”
“He’s right,” Mark confirms. “You’ve got us to help you whenever you need us. You don’t have to do this alone.”
“And,” Jackson adds, “Jinyoung is coming back on Friday. He’ll be here to help too.”
Jaebeom’s head flies up at the mention of his flatmate. “Jinyoung! Oh my god, I completely forgot, what if he doesn’t want them here, what if he -”
“Jaebeom,” Mark says sternly. “Jinyoung is not going to react badly to this. You know him. If anything, he’ll probably try to adopt them himself.” Mark’s right, of course - he knows his adopted brother better than anyone else - but Jaebeom still feels a vague sense of hysteria at the thought of Jinyoung not accepting the situation.
“Thank you,” he tells them sincerely. “You guys are - I don’t know what I’d do without you.” It’s more sentimental than he usually lets himself be, but he thinks given the circumstances, it’s understandable.
“We’re always here for you,” Mark assures him. He looks like he’s about to say something else, but he’s interrupted by a sudden, obnoxiously loud alarm.
Jackson’s eyes widen. “Shit! I forgot to turn it off!”
Mark stares at him, exasperated. “What are you just sitting there for, then? Go turn it off!”
“Sure, just make me do everything,” Jackson grumbles as he flees the room to turn off the alarm and make sure Bambam doesn’t start crying.
“I was on wake-up duty last week!” Mark calls after him, shaking his head. “And anyway, getting him dressed is an ordeal I have to deal with, I think you can handle this.”
“Is this what it’s like all the time?” Jaebeom asks, his tears mostly dry by now.
“Sometimes,” Mark answers honestly. “Sometimes it’s completely hectic because Bambam refuses to get up, or Jackson and I argue over who’s on laundry duty, or we can’t agree on what we should have for breakfast, but it’s all worth it. There’s all the hard stuff, but we also get the moments when Bambam just wants to sit around and watch movies with us all day, or go to the playground with us, or put on little dance performances for us.” Jaebeom can tell by the shine in Mark’s eyes that he’s truly happy, and for the first time since he got the news, he thinks maybe someday he can have that for himself too.
~~~
“Lim Jaebeom-ssi?” the man at the door asks cautiously.
“That’s me,” Jaebeom replies shakily. “Please, come in.” The man walks inside, followed by two young boys being closely monitored by another man.
“Jaebeom-samchon!” The older boy immediately runs to hug Jaebeom’s leg, closely followed by his brother.
“Hi Youngjae-yah.” Jaebeom manages to smile despite the circumstances as he crouches down to hug them properly. “Hi Yugyeommie. I’m so happy to see you both.”
“They said Eomma and Appa are gone,” is the first thing Youngjae says, and Jaebeom’s heart shatters. “Did they go to somewhere nice?” His eyes are wide and innocent, and Jaebeom feels like crying again.
“Yes, Youngjae-yah, they went to the nicest place there is,” he tells him, his voice breaking slightly. “But they’ll always be watching you and Yugyeommie, and they love you very, very much.” Youngjae and Yugyeom look like they don’t know how to react to the news; it makes Jaebeom’s heart hurt.
“Jaebeom-ssi?” the first man interjects apologetically. Jaebeom stands up quickly and looks at him respectfully. “It’s perfectly acceptable if you want them in the room during this discussion, but if you would prefer to not have them listening to the details, I can have my colleague take them elsewhere.”
“Could they stay with my neighbors for now?” Jaebeom asks. “The boys are friends with their son.”
“That will be fine,” the man replies, and Jaebeom lets out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding.
“Youngjae-yah, Yugyeommie, do you remember Mark-hyung and Jackson-hyung and Bambam?” Jaebeom crouches down again. The boys nod excitedly, probably recalling the excessive number of sweets and chocolates Jackson had showered them with last time they visited. “You’re going to stay with them for a little bit, okay?”
Yugyeom appears to be delighted at the prospect, but Youngjae looks a little nervous. “Are you coming too, Jaebeom-samchon?”
Jaebeom pulls his nephew in for a hug and kisses his forehead reassuringly. “I’ll come find you very soon. You won’t even notice I’m gone.”
Once the boys are settled in at Mark and Jackson’s, Jaebeom makes his way back to his own flat to sort out the legalities. (As he leaves, he catches a glimpse of an unnecessarily large jar of candy being carried by Jackson over to the eagerly waiting Youngjae, Bambam, and Yugyeom and has to suppress a groan in mere anticipation of the sugar rush to come.)
~~~
“Jaebeom-hyung, I’m home!” Jaebeom is in the kitchen making lunch for Youngjae and Yugyeom when a voice he hasn’t heard for a month, a voice he’s missed dearly, floats through the apartment. He can’t help the smile that spreads across his face; even with the recent addition of two children, the apartment has felt somewhat empty without Jinyoung there. “Uh, hyung?” Jinyoung sounds slightly confused. “Why are there toys all over the living room?” Belatedly, Jaebeom realizes that he probably should have given Jinyoung some kind of heads up about the situation; then again, contact with Jinyoung had been limited and anyway, this isn't exactly a conversation he wanted to have over the phone.
“One second, Jinyoungie,” Jaebeom calls before hastily placing two bowls in front of Youngjae and Yugyeom. “I’ll be right back, okay?” He ruffles Youngjae’s hair and presses a fleeting kiss to Yugyeom’s forehead before rushing into the living room.
Jinyoung is standing in the middle of the room, beautiful as ever with a brilliant smile on his face, and Jaebeom has to pause for a second to drink in the sight of his friend. (“The love of Jaebeom’s life” might be a more accurate term to describe him, really.) His hair has grown out a little, almost reaching his eyes, but he’s mostly just as Jaebeom remembers him.
“Hi hyung,” he says softly. Jaebeom wordlessly moves towards him until he has Jinyoung wrapped tightly in his arms. Jinyoung lets out a breathless laugh. “I missed you too.”
Jaebeom draws back, unable to fight the smile spreading across his face. “Did you enjoy your trip?”
“Of course!” Jinyoung smiles in return. “It was busy of course, I was working after all. I still can’t believe they sent me to London for a month. But it’s great to be back; it got really tiring, trying to speak English all the time.” He pauses and looks around the room. “Really though, why are all these toys here?”
“Um,” Jaebeom starts, rubbing the back of his neck distractedly.
Before he can begin explaining, Youngjae runs into the room in a state of excitement. He stops short at the sight of Jinyoung, and his face lights up. “Jinyoungie-hyung!”
If Jinyoung is surprised, he hides it well as he greets the little boy. “Hi Youngjae-yah! You look so grown-up!”
“I’m five years old now!” Youngjae tells him proudly. Announcing this seems to trigger his memory of his initial reason for running into the living room in the first place, because he suddenly turns to Jaebeom and tugs on his sleeve urgently. “Jaebeom-samchon! Yugyeommie wants more food!”
“Tell him to hold on just one more minute, okay? I promise I’ll be there soon,” Jaebeom requests, receiving an eager nod in response before Youngjae runs back into the kitchen.
Jinyoung watches the scene with wide eyes. “Okay, hyung, you know I love your nephews to death, but why does it feel like they’re not just here for a visit?”
Jaebeom looks at Jinyoung sheepishly. “I’m kind of their legal guardian?”
Jinyoung’s hand flies to his mouth. “Your sister - she -” He looks at Jaebeom’s face intently, and seems to find confirmation of his fears there, because he pulls Jaebeom in for another hug and mumbles into his shoulder, “I’m so sorry, hyung.”
Suddenly, Jaebeom feels like he’s sixteen again, receiving a desperate hug from Jinyoung after showing up at the Tuan household, sobbing and utterly in shock because both his parents had been cruelly snatched from him. Jinyoung had been there for him then too, along with Mark and Jackson, during the hardest time in Jaebeom’s life, and here they are now, still supporting him through everything.
“I’m a mess, Jinyoungie,” he admits quietly, tears welling up in his eyes against his will. “I have no idea how to take care of them. I’m terrified of messing everything up. I don’t - I can’t lose them too.”
“You’re not going to, Jaebeom-hyung,” Jinyoung promises, wiping a tear from Jaebeom’s cheek gently. “They already adore you, and anything we don’t know how to do, we can always learn. We’ll make this work, okay?” He takes Jaebeom’s hand and pulls him towards the kitchen. “Come on, I think we’ve left them alone long enough.”
~~~
The funeral takes place that Sunday. As they celebrate the lives of Jaebeom’s sister and her husband and mourn their losses, Jaebeom holds a very quiet Youngjae in his arms with Jinyoung carrying Yugyeom beside him. Mark is next to Jinyoung, an uncharacteristically silent Bambam sandwiched between him and Jackson.
Jaebeom is grateful that his friends are there with him, not that he expected anything else from them. The four of them practically grew up together, after all, living in close proximity to each other and being such good friends, so they were well-acquainted with Jaebeom’s sister as well. Still, glancing at his friends’ somber faces, the sadness in their eyes, Jaebeom feels affection swell up inside him at how supportive they’ve always been.
When it comes time for him to say a few words, Jaebeom tries to gently place Youngjae down so he can get up, but the little boy is suddenly unwilling to let go. “Youngjae-yah,” Jaebeom whispers softly. “I have to go. I promise I’ll be right back.”
“Don’t leave me,” Youngjae begs quietly. Jaebeom’s heart breaks at the desperation in his nephew’s voice. He’s frozen in place, unsure of what to do.
Jinyoung, like he’s been doing for so many years, swoops in to save him. “Youngjae-yah, come sit on my lap. Jaebeom-hyung has to speak about your Eomma and Appa, don’t you want to hear what he says?” Youngjae looks up at Jinyoung with watery eyes, nodding slightly as he reaches out to be brought into Jinyoung’s arms.
“Are you sure you can carry both of them?” Jaebeom asks him worriedly. Jinyoung has always been a nurturing individual, but holding two visibly upset toddlers in his lap might be a bit too much.
“I’m fine, hyung,” Jinyoung reassures him. “Go on, they’re all waiting for you.”
Jaebeom makes it through his speech with minimal breaks in his voice. Whenever he felt the tears welling up in his eyes, he would glance over to see Jackson’s comforting arm around Bambam, Mark whispering reassurances in Yugyeom’s ear, Youngjae clinging to Jinyoung’s neck, and he’d find the strength to keep going.
Upon returning to his seat, Jaebeom is surprised to find that Youngjae makes no effort to leave Jinyoung’s arms, instead opting to remain on Jinyoung’s lap and rest his head on Jaebeom’s shoulder. Without saying a word, Jinyoung slips his hand into Jaebeom’s and squeezes gently. He doesn’t let go for the rest of the ceremony.
~~~
“Me and Jinyoung both work,” Jaebeom announces hysterically as he barges into Mark and Jackson’s apartment unannounced.
He’s greeted by a stretch of silence, except for a cheerful, “Hi, Jaebeom-hyung!” from Bambam. Mark is sitting at the kitchen table, trying to feed the overly-hyper Bambam seated on Jackson’s lap.
Mark and Jackson both stare at Jaebeom curiously. “Jaebeom-ah,” Mark starts soothingly after a few more prolonged seconds of no one saying anything. “Why don’t you sit down and start over?”
Jaebeom sits down agitatedly in the remaining chair and takes a deep breath. “Me and Jinyoung both took the day off today because of the boys,” he explains. “We can’t keep doing that, though, we’d never be able to provide for them if we did. But we can’t keep them by themselves at home either. Oh my god, I’m a terrible parent, do we need to find a babysitter? How do you even do that, how can you find someone -”
“Jaebeom-hyung!” Jackson interrupts loudly. Bambam giggles as Jaebeom abruptly stops mid-sentence. “Calm down, hyung. Have you forgotten that Mark and I also have a kid?”
“It’s me!” Bambam declares proudly. Jackson pinches his cheek fondly and Mark takes advantage of Bambam’s momentary distraction to feed him another bite of food.
“How could I forget?” Jaebeom replies, laughing a little in spite of himself.
“Anyway,” Jackson continues, “the point is, I work from home three days a week and Mark is here the other two. Youngjae and Yugyeom are gonna be fine.”
Jaebeom relaxes for a few moments before another thought strikes him. “But what if they hate me and Jinyoung for not being at home with them? What if they think we don’t care about them?”
“First of all,” Mark says, “you need to stop worrying so much. The boys will understand that you have to work. I’m not always at home, but Bambam doesn’t hate me for it. Right, Bam?”
“No, I love you!” Bambam exclaims, grinning with so much enthusiasm that Jaebeom has to smile too.
“I love you too, Bam-ah,” Mark replies, his face soft and fond. He turns back to Jaebeom and continues, “Also, you’ll be at home every evening and on weekends, which is plenty of time for you and Jinyoung to bond with them as much as you want.”
“Honestly, Jaebeom-hyung, in no time you’ll be settled down into a nice, normal life, just like us,” Jackson adds reassuringly.
Jaebeom wants to point out that objectively, there really isn’t anything normal about Mark and Jackson’s lives, because in all honesty, most of their story is something out a fairy tale, almost too good to be true. They met when Mark was eight and Jackson was seven, and even though Jackson was actually Jinyoung’s best friend, he came to form a strong friendship with Mark too. It was therefore entirely unsurprising when, at ages sixteen and fifteen respectively, Mark and Jackson ended up dating.
The surprise came later, after Mark graduated high school and Jackson was still a senior, when instead of coming to an end as high school relationships often do, their relationship stayed as strong as ever. Jackson, who had only ever considered going to college on a fencing scholarship, suddenly started putting in extra effort in class, even asking Jinyoung for help with his work, and ended up at the same college as Mark.
And four years later, they were still together and by this point, they both knew that was never going to change. So even though Jackson was still completing his last year of college, even though Mark was only starting his career, even though the whole world thought they were crazy, they went to an adoption agency and immediately fell in love with little Kunpimook Bhuwakul, a three-year-old boy from Thailand who preferred going by his nickname Bambam, who loved attention, and who loved Mark and Jackson back right away.
After Jackson graduated college, the family of three permanently moved into Mark’s apartment and they’ve lived there ever since. Their lives seem straightforward and simple, but Jaebeom knows it wasn’t easy for them to get to where they are now; they faced a lot of obstacles in the form of their families’ wishes, society’s expectations, and financial restrictions. So no, Jaebeom thinks, their lives aren’t normal, but they’re also undeniably happy with their situation, and that’s really what they deserve.
But Jaebeom’s life isn’t like theirs. Granted, his childhood was wonderful, living three houses away from Mark, his best friend since they met when they were four. And one day, Jaebeom had arrived at the Tuan household to find another little boy, three years of age, who Mark had proudly informed him was his new brother Park Jinyoung. From that day on, Jaebeom had two of the best friends he could have ever asked for, because even though Jinyoung wasn’t the same age as them, Mark was nothing but fond of his adopted brother and Jaebeom loved babying the younger boy.
With the arrival of Jackson in their lives several years, Jaebeom had initially felt slightly abandoned by both Jinyoung and Mark, because Jinyoung had found a best friend and even back then, Mark was simply infatuated.
Instead of continuing to feel replaced, though, Jaebeom had eventually ended up becoming better friends with all of them as their tight-knit group of three turned into four. As Mark and Jackson began to spend more time together (and started crushing on each other hard ), Jaebeom and Jinyoung drifted even closer together to the point that Jaebeom could say that while Mark was still his best friend, Jinyoung was easily the friend he considered to be his closest.
It was when he was sixteen, around the time Mark finally acted on his feelings for Jackson, around the time that Jaebeom’s parents were taken from him, around the time he went from being an honorary member of the Tuan household to moving in and becoming a real member of the Tuan household, that Jaebeom realized the magnitude of how much Jinyoung meant to him. Unlike Mark, though, Jaebeom had done nothing about it because he had already lost so much; if Jinyoung rejected him, he would lose Jinyoung’s friendship (and quite possibly Mark’s as well), and that would be too much to handle.
So here he is at age twenty-four: Mark is still his best friend, he’s still madly in love with Jinyoung, and the four of them are still inseparable. The difference is that now, Jaebeom’s sister isn’t there to support him and he has two young children to take care of. So yeah, Jackson might have an optimistic outlook for Jaebeom’s life, but Jaebeom learned a long time ago that things rarely play out the way he wants them to.
~~~
“I don’t wanna eat!” Youngjae whines. He leans away from the proffered spoon. “No, Appa, I don’t wanna!”
“Youngjae, please,” Jaebeom sighs. Youngjae has been cranky since the morning, and Jaebeom has no idea why. “Why are you being so difficult today, Youngjae-yah?”
“I want Eomma,” Youngjae pouts, and Jaebeom’s heart stops for a moment. He doesn’t know what to say: he’s been anticipating that this would happen at some point, but now that the moment has arrived, he has no idea how to handle it.
“Youngjae,” Jaebeom starts hesitantly. “Remember when you moved here? How your Eomma was gone?”
Youngjae shakes his head. “No, I want Eomma!” he insists. “He didn’t say good bye and give me a kiss in the morning and I want Eomma to come home.”
Jaebeom’s heart stutters in his chest for an entirely different reason as he suddenly realizes who Youngjae means. He tries to quell his initial reaction of pure panic by reasoning out the situation logically. Youngjae has recently started calling Jaebeom “Appa,” and with him as the father, that leaves Jinyoung as the mother figure in the children’s lives, so it makes sense that Youngjae would start thinking of Jinyoung as “Eomma.”
He takes a deep breath and looks at Youngjae’s grumpy face. “He’ll be home soon,” Jaebeom promises. “Yugyeommie wasn’t feeling very well this morning, so Eomma had to take him to the doctor.” It’s easy, so easy, to refer to Jinyoung as their mother; it makes Jaebeom’s heart hurt a little, makes him want, even more than usual.
Youngjae’s pout lessens somewhat after hearing the explanation for Jinyoung’s apparent lack of attention. “He didn’t forget me?”
“Of course not, Youngjae-yah.” Jaebeom almost laughs with relief, finally understanding why Youngjae has been so out of character all morning. Youngjae seems to be appeased, and eats the rest of his food without protest.
Jinyoung walks in half an hour later, carrying a tired-looking Yugyeom in one arm and a bag of medicine in the other. “He’s got a fever, but luckily it seems to just be a cold, hyung. The doctor gave us some medicines for him.”
Jaebeom takes the bag from him as Jinyoung moves to sit down with Yugyeom on the couch. Youngjae comes running in, eyes wide. “Is Yugyeommie okay, Eomma?”
Jinyoung starts at the name, his expression slightly shocked as he catches Jaebeom’s eye. He hides his confusion well, though, simply turning to Youngjae and pulling him onto his lap affectionately. “He has a bit of a cold, that’s all. He’s lucky to have such a caring big brother like you, Youngjae-yah.”
“Like you and Mark-hyung, right Eomma?” Youngjae asks.
Pressing a kiss to Youngjae’s cheek, Jinyoung replies fondly, “Yeah, just like me and Mark-hyung.” Jaebeom watches the scene with his fists clenched, because seeing Jinyoung sit there with Yugyeom in his arms and Youngjae on his lap leaves him overcome with the urge to sit down next to them and help Jinyoung carry Yugyeom and press kisses to Youngjae’s face together.
In the end, Youngjae ends up making the decision for him, reaching out to pull Jaebeom in so he can join their cuddle session. Jaebeom meets Jinyoung’s eyes over Youngjae’s head, his face breaking into a soft smile. Jinyoung’s eyes are crinkled at the corners as he grins back, and he looks impossibly beautiful. Jaebeom can’t remember ever feeling happier.
~~~
“But Eomma,” Youngjae begs, out of his seat and tugging at Jinyoung’s sleeve insistently. “Why can’t we go look at the puppies?” Jinyoung and Jaebeom had decided to bring Youngjae to the mall because Yugyeom is having a playdate with Bambam at Jackson and Mark’s. (Youngjae hadn’t wanted to join in because the other two are apparently “doing four-year-old things, and I’m almost six Appa!” They kindly don’t bring up the fact that Bambam is almost five and Youngjae’s birthday is still four months away.)
“I’m your mom,” Jinyoung tells him sternly. “Sit back down.” Taken aback at Jinyoung’s strict tone, Youngjae quietly does as he’s told.
Jaebeom, on the other hand, stares at Jinyoung in awe. Both the boys have been calling Jinyoung “Eomma” for a while now, but it’s the first time Jinyoung has referred to himself as their mother. At this rate, Jaebeom doesn’t know how much longer he’ll be able to keep his feelings internalized.
“But why?” Youngjae asks again after a short period of silence.
“Because I know what’s going to happen, Youngjae-yah,” Jinyoung sighs. “You’ll see a puppy you love and then you’ll beg us to get it and then I’ll have to say no and you’ll be sad and your Appa will try to convince me that we should consider it and I’ll be left to handle the situation by myself.”
Jaebeom feels a little indignant at that. “Hey! I am not that much of a pushover.”
Jinyoung gives him a look. “Hyung, you let the boys stay up watching a movie until 10:30 even though you know their bedtime is 9:00 because they gave you puppy eyes.” Jaebeom opens his mouth to protest, but he can’t argue with that, not when it’s true, so he just remains quiet instead. Jinyoung turns back to the distressed Youngjae and visibly softens. “Look at me, please Youngjae-yah?”
Youngjae looks up, pouting deeply. “I just wanna look at them, Eomma.”
Jinyoung sighs again and opens his arms for Youngjae to come sit on his lap. Youngjae hurls himself into Jinyoung’s arms and clings to him immediately. “I’m sorry, Youngjae-yah. How about this? We’ll go look at the puppies for five minutes if you promise you won’t ask to keep any of them.”
Youngjae’s face lights up. “Thank you Eomma! I love you!” He wraps his arms around Jinyoung and kisses his cheek sloppily before jumping down and grabbing both Jinyoung and Jaebeom’s hands, tugging them towards the pet store.
Later, while Youngjae is gleefully observing all the different puppies in the store, Jaebeom turns to Jinyoung, who has been uncharacteristically quiet since they entered the store, and squeezes his hand lightly. “You okay, Jinyoungie?” he asks softly.
“It’s dumb,” Jinyoung replies quietly. “It’s just - that was the first time he’s said ‘I love you’ to me.”
Jaebeom smiles gently. Jinyoung still hasn’t let go of his hand. “That’s not dumb, Jinyoungie. You just got a confirmation, in a way, that Youngjae genuinely thinks of you as his parent. It’s no surprise that it’s important to you.” And it’s important to me too, he thinks, because he wants you around for a long time, and so do I.
~~~
“Do you love Eomma, Appa?” Yugyeom asks Jaebeom one night as he’s tucking him into bed. Jinyoung had been exhausted when he got back from work, and Jaebeom had insisted that he rest while Jaebeom handles getting the children ready for bed.
Jaebeom is taken aback by the question. “Huh?”
“Because Bambam asked me and Youngjae-hyung. He said Mark-hyung and Jackson-hyung do gross Eomma and Appa things all the time.” Yugyeom looks up at Jaebeom with wide eyes. “But you and Eomma don’t do them ever. How come?”
Jaebeom is suddenly very glad he decided to put the children to bed by himself today. “I -” he starts hesitantly, and then stops. Yugyeom looks so expectant (out of the corner of his eye, Jaebeom can see Youngjae listening eagerly from his side of the bed too), and Jaebeom knows he can’t lie. “I do love your Eomma a lot.” He places a kiss on Yugyeom’s forehead and moves to Youngjae’s side, where he’s waiting for Jaebeom to tuck him in.
“But you don’t do what Mark-hyung and Jackson-hyung do,” Youngjae points out.
“I don’t show it the same way they do,” Jaebeom explains. “But I promise, Youngjae-yah, I love your Eomma very, very much.”
Both boys look very pleased to hear it. “Good,” Youngjae says approvingly. “You make Eomma smile his pretty smile.”
“What?” Jaebeom asks, curious.
“When Eomma looks at you, he makes his special pretty smile,” Youngjae tells him matter-of-factly. “All Eomma’s smiles are pretty, but the one for you is the prettiest.”
Jaebeom tries to ignore the way his heart speeds up at Youngjae’s words. “Good night, Youngjae-yah,” he says instead, ruffling his hair fondly before leaning down to kiss his cheek.
He makes his way back to the living room and comes across a sight that makes him want to melt into the floor. Jinyoung is fast asleep on the couch, curled up in Jaebeom’s favorite sweatshirt, his hair messy and falling across his forehead, his glasses still on his face, a book lying open in his lap.
A fond smile blossoms on Jaebeom’s face as he walks over and gently brushes the hair off Jinyoung’s forehead. He marks Jinyoung’s page, setting the book aside, and gingerly removes Jinyoung’s glasses. For a moment, Jaebeom considers his options. He could wake Jinyoung up (but no, he can’t, not when Jinyoung looks so peaceful as he sleeps). He could also just let Jinyoung keep sleeping here (but he would wake up with a cramp in his neck, and Jaebeom can’t let that happen).
So Jaebeom does the only other thing he can: he cautiously lifts Jinyoung’s sleeping form into his arms, carefully carrying him to his room. Jinyoung shifts slightly in Jaebeom’s arms but doesn’t wake up, instead letting out a sleepy sigh and nuzzling his face into Jaebeom’s chest. Jaebeom hopes the way his heart is racing doesn’t wake Jinyoung up.
He sets Jinyoung down on his bed, tucking him under the blankets and making sure he’s comfortable. As Jaebeom tries to leave to go to his own room, Jinyoung’s hand suddenly latches onto his wrist. “Stay here,” Jinyoung murmurs sleepily, barely above a whisper. His eyes are still closed and his words are slurred, but his meaning is clear. “Please.”
Jaebeom is hopeless at saying no to Jinyoung on any given day. When he’s like this, all soft and sleepy and vulnerable, Jaebeom doesn’t stand a chance. So he climbs in next to Jinyoung and lets Jinyoung throw an arm across his waist, lets him tuck his head under Jaebeom’s chin as Jaebeom tangles their legs together.
When he’s sure Jinyoung is completely asleep, his breathing steady and quiet, Jaebeom places a light kiss on the top on Jinyoung’s head. “Good night, Jinyoungie,” he breathes. “I love you.”
~~~
For some reason, Youngjae and Yugyeom are both feeling especially clingy tonight. The four of them settle together on the couch, watching a movie. With Yugyeom comfortably seated in Jaebeom’s arms and Youngjae fixed in Jinyoung’s lap and Jinyoung curled into Jaebeom’s side, his head on Jaebeom’s shoulder, Jaebeom thinks his heart might burst from how domestic the scene is. He’s never wanted more fiercely than he does in this moment.
“Tell us a bedtime story please, Eomma?” Yugyeom requests after the movie is over. They’re all still huddled together comfortably and none of them really want to move.
Jinyoung glances up at Jaebeom before looking back at Yugyeom with a gentle smile. “Yugyeommie, don’t you think it’s time to sleep?”
“Please?” Youngjae chimes in, pouting slightly. “We’ll go to sleep after, we promise!”
Jaebeom can tell Jinyoung has already caved from the quiet sigh he lets out as he reluctantly shifts from his current position. “Come on then,” Jinyoung tells them, gathering Youngjae in his arms as he lifts himself from the couch. Jaebeom follows his lead, Yugyeom balanced in his own arms as they walk towards the children’s room.
Jinyoung and Jaebeom tuck the two boys into bed before lying down on either side of them so that the children are sandwiched between them. While Youngjae and Yugyeom listen in fascination to Jinyoung’s story, Jaebeom watches Jinyoung’s face: how his eyes light up when Yugyeom giggles at a funny part of the story, how a smile blossoms on his face when Youngjae tells him that the story is the best one he’s ever heard after it’s over.
They kiss the little ones good night before heading to the kitchen. Jaebeom quietly warms up two cups of tea for the two of them, offering one to Jinyoung with a soft smile. They stay like that, Jaebeom standing on one side of the counter and Jinyoung sitting on the other, just looking at each other as they sip from their mugs.
“Why are you looking at me like that?” Jinyoung doesn’t look uncomfortable under Jaebeom’s gaze; in fact, he’s smiling faintly, fondly, as he waits for an answer.
You’re the most wonderful person I know and every day I ask myself how I deserve someone like you, Jaebeom thinks. “Nothing. It’s just - you’re so good with them,” he says. “I think they like you more than me.”
Jinyoung laughs softly. “They could never. They adore you. They need their Appa.”
They also need their Eomma, Jaebeom thinks, and I need you too. “They need both of us,” he returns. He hesitates for a moment before adding, “Both their parents.”
“Yeah,” Jinyoung replies, a soft smile on his face. “I think we’re doing a good job with them, hyung.”
I think so too, Jaebeom thinks, such a good job that sometimes it feels like we’re actually married and raising a family together. “We are,” he agrees. “They’re happy with us, aren’t they?”
“They love it,” Jinyoung affirms. There are faint dark circles under his eyes from the nights he’s gotten up to comfort the children when they have nightmares and from the mornings he’s woken up early to prepare lunch for them, but he still looks beautiful sitting under the dim kitchen lights as he and Jaebeom smile tiredly at each other. A moment later he adds, more quietly this time, “I love it too. I honestly don’t think I’ve ever been happier.”
I’ve never been happier either, and I’m so grateful that you’re by my side, Jaebeom thinks. “I’m so in love with you,” he says.
It takes a moment for Jaebeom to register that he just accidentally switched what he meant to think and what he meant to say. He belatedly claps a hand over his mouth, but Jinyoung has already heard. His eyes are shining with an unreadable emotion as he tilts his head to the side, examining Jaebeom carefully. “Do you mean that, Jaebeom-hyung?”
Jaebeom has never been good at lying to Jinyoung. (He’s kept his feelings secret for nearly ten years, yes. But that wasn’t lying, Jaebeom reasons, because truth or otherwise, he’s never had a cause to bring it up at all until now.) “Yes,” he whispers, refusing to meet Jinyoung’s eyes. “I mean it, with all my heart, more than I've meant anything else in my life.”
Jinyoung lets out what sounds like a cross between a sob and a sigh of relief, and Jaebeom can’t resist finally looking directly at him. There are tears in Jinyoung’s eyes, and before he can even think about it, Jaebeom is out of his spot and in front of Jinyoung, cupping his face in one hand and gently wiping his tears away with the other. “I love you so much, hyung,” Jinyoung breathes. “I’ve loved you for so long.”
“I was sixteen when I realized,” Jaebeom murmurs, leaning his forehead against Jinyoung’s. “Mark plucked up the courage to finally ask Jackson out, but I couldn’t do the same for you.”
“For that long, hyung? You’ve loved me since then?” Jinyoung’s eyes are sparkling as Jaebeom nods quietly. “Me too. Ever since I was old enough to understand that what I felt for you wasn’t the kind of love you feel for a brother.”
They’ve been in each other’s space without doing anything about it for too long, their lips almost-but-not-quite brushing against each other as they speak, and Jaebeom suddenly can’t wait another second. With one hand reverently brushing the last of Jinyoung’s tears off his cheek and the other lightly cupping his jaw, Jaebeom brings Jinyoung’s face closer, closer to his until finally, after ten years of secretly wishing for it, their lips meet.
Jinyoung melts into the kiss immediately, allowing Jaebeom to take control easily. It starts off gentle and chaste, like neither of them can believe they’re actually doing this. Jaebeom is almost content to leave it at this, to simply enjoy the sensation of Jinyoung’s lips against his own. But it’s intoxicating, the way Jinyoung tastes, the soft whines emerging from his throat, and Jaebeom can’t resist deepening the kiss, adjusting their bodies so that Jinyoung’s seated form is trapped between Jaebeom’s legs and the counter. His hands have moved, one on the back of Jinyoung’s neck and the other sliding under Jinyoung’s shirt, kissing him feverishly as Jinyoung’s hands wind through his hair, pulling him closer, and Jaebeom is addicted to this feeling, he never wants to stop, and -
“Appa?” They’re too caught up in each other to notice the soft patter of feet, but they manage to pull apart in time to see Youngjae walking into the kitchen, one hand clutching his teddy bear and the other rubbing his eyes sleepily. “Can I please have water?”
Jaebeom’s arms are still around Jinyoung as he takes in the sight of Youngjae standing in the doorway of the kitchen. He holds Jinyoung’s gaze for a moment; Jinyoung’s lips are bright red and his face is flushed, and after a few seconds, he collapses into giggles. Jaebeom’s breath catches in his throat, because Jinyoung is so beautiful and so lovely, taking the situation in stride instead of reacting badly to it, and it suddenly strikes Jaebeom how utterly perfect he is.
He can’t help pressing a light peck to Jinyoung’s lips, can’t believe the boy in front of him who he’s loved for so long loves him back. “Appa!” Youngjae’s indignant voice snaps Jaebeom back to reality. He looks more awake now, his nose scrunched up a little at the sight in front of him. “I want water please. Kiss Eomma later.”
Jinyoung is still giggling as Jaebeom untangles himself to get Youngjae a cup of water. “Here, Youngjae-yah. Did Yugyeommie wake up too?”
“No, he’s still sleeping,” Youngjae informs him dutifully. “You can go back to kissing Eomma now. I won’t even tell Yugyeommie and Bambam that you were doing gross Appa and Eomma things until at least tomorrow.”
“Thank you, Youngjae-yah,” Jinyoung calls after Youngjae as he returns to his room, laughter still evident in his voice. He turns back to face Jaebeom, his eyes shining with mirth. “At least we don’t have to explain anything to them, hyung. They already know all about our ‘gross Appa and Eomma things.’”
Jaebeom shakes his head, grinning fondly as he tugs Jinyoung closer. “Come here, you.” This time, when their lips meet, Jaebeom thinks Jinyoung’s lips taste a lot like their future.
~~~
Jaebeom is awoken by two very excited children jumping on his bed, loudly asking for food. He groans and tries to lift himself up, only to find that Jinyoung is half-sprawled across his chest, grumbling in discontent and preventing him from moving. His face shifts into a fond smile. “Jinyoungie,” he says softly. “The kids are hungry.”
“Can’t we feed them later?” Jinyoung whines, attempting to bury his face deeper into Jaebeom’s chest. “It’s too early.”
“Eomma, come on! Remember Bambam and Jackson-hyung and Mark-hyung are coming today?” Youngjae reminds them cheerfully.
“Jaebeom-hyung, remind me to tell my brother he’s the worst?” Jinyoung reluctantly detaches himself from Jaebeom and sits up, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. Jaebeom gets up to sit next to him, pressing a kiss to his temple and rubbing his back comfortingly.
Youngjae and Yugyeom exchange delighted looks. “Gross, Appa!” Yugyeom calls.
Jaebeom and Jinyoung look at each other and grin. “You think that’s gross, Yugyeommie?” Jaebeom asks.
They wait for the children to look sufficiently confused before simultaneously reaching out towards them, trying to hug and kiss them. Youngjae and Yugyeom scream in delight, jumping off the bed and running towards the living room, giggling the whole time. Jinyoung and Jaebeom chase after them, easily catching them in the living room, sweeping them into their arms, and peppering kisses all over their faces.
Mark, Jackson, and Bambam find them like that, collapsed on the couch together, five minutes later. They’ve been having family breakfasts together every Sunday morning for months, but the newcomers can immediately tell something is different about today.
Youngjae and Yugyeom clamber off their parents’ laps to greet the guests excitedly while Jinyoung and Jaebeom, still laughing breathlessly, wave at them and move to the kitchen.
“Hey Bambam, guess what?” Youngjae says, bubbling with giddy excitement. “Eomma and Appa were being really gross yesterday! And this morning!”
Bambam looks ecstatic and tugs at his parents’ sleeves insistently. “Ewww! Jinyoung-hyung and Jaebeom-hyung were being gross! Youngjae-hyung said so!”
“Well,” Mark starts, grinning as he realizes what the children mean, “let’s go tease them about it!”
They find the couple making breakfast, letting their hands linger on each other’s shoulders and waists as they maneuver around each other.
“Well, well,” Jackson smirks. “If it isn’t Mr. and Mr. Domesticity. Heard you finally got married!”
“Shut up, Jackson,” Jaebeom retorts, but he’s smiling anyway.
“Congratulations,” Mark adds, hugging them both. “Really. It’s about time. Just treat my baby brother right, Jaebeom. And Jinyoung-ah, take care of Jaebeom, all right?”
“Of course,” they reassure him.
“Mark-hyung! Wanna see the game Eomma and Appa got us?” Yugyeom tugs at Mark’s sleeve, refusing to take no for an answer. Mark lets himself be dragged out by the three kids, leaving Jackson, Jaebeom, and Jinyoung alone in the kitchen.
Jackson suddenly looks a little nervous. “So,” he begins, scuffing his heel against the ground anxiously.
“What’s the matter?” Jinyoung furrows his eyebrows in concern. “Are you okay?”
“I -” Jackson swallows. “You both know I love Mark, right?”
Jaebeom and Jinyoung exchange confused looks. “Yes, I think we’ve all been aware of that for a long time,” Jaebeom replies slowly.
“I’m gonna ask him to marry me,” Jackson blurts out in a rush. “I just wanted to - you two are his brother and his best friend and I felt like I needed to, I don’t know, just let you know first?”
Jinyoung is the first to react, wrapping Jackson in a tight hug. “You’re my best friend, Jackson. I can’t think of a better person to make my brother happy for the rest of your lives.”
“Congratulations Jackson-ah,” Jaebeom tells him, pulling him in for a hug as well. “You didn’t have to tell us beforehand, but I’m really honored that you did.”
Jackson blushes. “Thanks, both of you. I’ll leave you two to your couple-cooking time now.” He reverts back to his usual confident self, winking at them before walking out to join Mark and the kids in the living room.
“It’s a big step,” Jaebeom comments after he’s gone.
“They’re ready for it,” Jinyoung replies. “They’ve been ready for it, probably even before they adopted Bambam.”
One day, that’ll be us, Jaebeom thinks. Jinyoung draws closer to him, cupping Jaebeom’s face in his hand and smiling like he knows exactly what Jaebeom is thinking.
“It’s okay, Jaebeom-hyung,” he murmurs. “We have time, so much time. I’m not going anywhere. Youngjae and Yugyeom aren’t going anywhere. Your family is here to stay.”
Jaebeom lets Jinyoung brush away the stray tear that has rolled down his cheek before kissing him deeply. “I love you,” he whispers against Jinyoung’s lips.
He can taste the smile on Jinyoung’s mouth. “I love you too.”