Work Text:
Firstly, let me begin by saying Anthony McPartlin is not as tall as he seems on the telly; it’s just because he’s stood next to me. A lot of people mention that within the first 5 minutes of meeting us. In fact, we’re both rather tiny. But it’s okay, we’re over it; just don’t expect us to be best pleased if we’re, y’know, appearing alongside Richard Osman anytime soon.
Secondly, Ant can be an incessant show off. I know what you’re thinking; 'No Dec, that’s you. Everyone knows you can’t help showing off, given any opportunity.’
And yes, that is true; but bloody hell can Ant be a smug bastard. Though usually just when it’s us two; a game of golf, a bet down the pub, that sort of thing.
But sometimes, when we’re entering the 11th hour of a 15 hour work day and frankly I’m feeling shite, Ant gives me this look; a sort of half smile and eyes that are nothing but understanding, and honestly, how he manages to still look that put together baffles me. But with that look, it’s almost like the past 10 hours dissipate into nothing; and each time he offers me it, I am ever more grateful for his presence in my life.
And he’s clever - oh it was so very clever how he weaved his way through my veins, until my heart could only beat out the letters of his name. Like the moment you realise the tide is dragging you out, but it’s too late and you're treading deep water with no way back.
So falling for Ant was inevitable really, spending 27 years by his side will do that to you.
And so, he became the light and love of my life.
All I could do was wait for the fall...
A.
We were being driven from one end of the country to the other, from one awful gig to another. It was one of those cars with seats on opposite sides, me on one side, Ant on the other. I couldn’t sleep, my mind churning relentlessly over the events of the previous gig. The street lights blurred and began to resemble the harsh stage lights of the venue. God it was terrible.
Ant had his eyes shut, leaning against the car window and I was trying hard not to stare. But his breaths were so soft, I wanted to climb inside his chest and curl up there. I wanted to know what he was dreaming about, but maybe he could read my own thoughts, even back then, because his eyes flickered open and rested upon mine.
“What’s up?” His voice was croaky from sleep, and if I wasn’t already focused on him, I might have missed it. “Can’t you sleep?”
I shook my head, and I was crawling across to him even before he offered his open arms. We were never like this in the company of others; but touring was lonely and I knew he understood that. I nestled into his side, and the thumping in my head melted into the rhythm of his heartbeat.
N.
The voices were somewhat muffled now that I’d shut and locked the dressing room door but the blood rushing to my head wasn’t going to be stopped that easy. I was pacing and goddamn this suit was not made for nervous pacing. I stopped, planted both hands on the counter and glanced in the mirror. Sweat beaded on my hairline and that was just great because I was going to have to get my makeup reapplied before we went live.
Taking a breath, I paused. I could tell it was Ant even before he knocked on the door.
“Hey.. Dec?” His voice was gentle like he knew what state I was in on the other side of the door. Of course he knew. Opening the door, I let him inside but I couldn’t look him in the eye, not straight away because I was being ridiculous. But no, Ant didn’t see it that way, he never did. He simply opened his arms and I fell into them like a child.
“Is it the heights challenge?” Ant rested his cheek against my head as I nodded into his chest. We are never told in detail about the Ant vs Dec challenges on SNT until it’s the live show, one of very few elements we aren’t heavily involved with; but we pick up the gist of it in the form of health and safety briefings and vague instructions.
For this show, it was going to be heights.
“Nobody can force you to do anything you don’t want, you know that right?” Ant kept his voice soft because it was the only thing that calmed me down, something he’d learnt over the years. I nodded again and felt his arms gently tighten around me.
“Hey, I have something for you. I was going to give you it later but now seems like a good time.” Breaking away softly, he rummaged in his bag which sat on the counter. A small black drawstring bag hung from his grasp as he walked back to me, taking my hand in his own. My eyes widened as he pushed a chunky silver ring onto my right hand, a perfect fit.
“Wha-”
“Now,” Ant stopped me and exhaled a small laugh, “before you get any ideas, it’s not a proposal, but just something small to keep with you.. a reminder of us.” I was quite speechless in that moment, and even though I wasn’t accustomed to wearing rings, it didn’t look odd at all, rather the opposite.
“Look on the inside..” I slid the ring off before reading the inscription. It read, ‘A & D’ .
I could feel myself welling up as I looked up at him, cursing my unwavering ability to get emotional at everything. “I, I don’t know what to say..”
“You don’t have to say anything.. just keep it with you.” He gave me a smile that glinted in his eyes before curling his hand around mine.
T.
My phone beeped on the side table and glancing over, I saw Ant’s name illuminated on the screen.
'Hey look outside, are there fish climbing trees?’
My nose scrunched up at that and I craned my neck to glance out the window. There was no way I was leaving my duvet cocoon on the sofa to see if fish were climbing trees. I think Rocky agreed too, curling back up at my feet, annoyed that I’d disrupted him.
I text back, ‘No.'
' Ah, only I haven’t seen you all day.. I thought the world was turning upside down.'
I smiled at that and replied with as much effort and humour as I could muster, ‘I’m ill. *cough*.'
He didn’t reply so I drifted off to sleep, only to be awoken by the front door opening and shuffling in the hall. Rocky leapt off me to see who the intruder was, his claws tapping against the floorboards excitedly. I blinked to clear my head as footsteps padded into the kitchen. I smiled; I knew that footstep pattern like the back of my hand. Lying still, I listened to the sounds drifting down the hall. Ant came in shortly after and placed a mug of tea on the side table. I pretended to be asleep, but he stroked my hair anyway, and I could tell he was smiling.
I walked into the kitchen after a while, enticed by the aroma of chinese food and stood by the door watching him. His tanned arms were visible below the cut off sleeves of his shirt and the smudges of flour stark against the dark material of his jeans. The kitchen was a tip but he always said to me, ‘good cook, messy kitchen.’ with that cheeky little smile and it always got him off the hook.
I don’t know how long I stood there, listening to him whistle tunelessly but he turned at some point, catching sight of me and broke into a grin.
“I’m cooking chinese, your favourite,” and he looked so damn pleased with himself, I had a sudden urge to run over and hug him. But instead I stayed where I was, my heart somersaulting in my chest.
H.
The curtains were blocking out every bit of light from the bedroom and that’s the way I liked it because it is what my heart felt like. Except maybe if a grenade had gone off, yeah, then you’d have a visual depiction of my heart. I shuffled my body away from the curtains and I must have unsettled the air because I could suddenly smell it; stale and heavy, mixed with something slightly sour. Maybe that was me. I hadn’t left the room in days, not for fresh air, not to shower and certainly not for anyone knocking on the front door. The shrill ring of the telephone started up again then, reverberating through the house and piercing my ears. I winced at the unwelcome reminder that reality was just a few steps outside the door, and waited once again for the sound to cut off. Ant had been away with Lisa but I knew he’d be coming to see me as soon as he could. The thought of it made me sick. Being awake made me sick.
The tiniest sliver of light crept under the curtain hem and I fixed my eyes on a spec of dust floating innocently through the air. The more I stared, the angrier I felt. How was this dust particle allowed to live and move and dance when my father was cold and dead and alone? I pulled the duvet up over my head, sucking in air until there was no oxygen left, only my own breath being inhaled back into my body. The tears burned hot marks on my skin as they fell from my tired eyes.
I learned two things lying there in that room. One, the sheer capacity of human anguish and how it is always bleak and overwhelming, no matter how hard you try to embrace it. And the second, how certain I was that Ant would have been and was the only human that could lift me from the depths of that pain.
He affected me without even being in my presence. How could I let Ant see me like this? The duvet felt like concrete blocks as I pushed it off me and stood. The room spun for a moment before my vision cleared and I turned towards the bathroom.
Ant found me where I had been laid for days, curled up like an infant. But at least I was clean, that was something. My strength didn’t last too long, not even for him, not in that first week. I felt the bed mould to his shape and I could hear his breath. Tears were brimming in my eyes even before I opened them; but when I did, they were met with his, warm and familiar.
“Oh Dec..”
I loved him because in that room, he took me as I was and didn’t try to interrupt my grief with patched up condolences.
“I’m here, I’m here. And we’re going to get through this.” He shuffled closer. “Look at me.” He lifted my chin gently and my gaze melted into his. We stayed like that until time began to move differently, slower somehow, as if everything was underwater. Which was strange really, because as the night quietened and my breaths became steady I could feel my chest draining the black water I’d been drowning in, leaving only tide marks.
I placed my head on his chest and listened for one, two, three beats of his heart to check if he was real. I shut my eyes and matched my breathing to his.
O.
The quiet of the house was suddenly disrupted as the front door handle began rattling with some force. Ant had been trying for several minutes to unlock the door whilst I was trying hard not to vomit into the plant pot by my feet. I looked over at him, watching through blurred vision, as he eventually resorted to just bashing the door with his body in the hopes of it allowing them entry.
“Honestly Ant, you’re not even using the correct set of keys,” I slurred, stepping in front of him. He looked at me as if I’d just turned up out of the blue, dismissing the fact we’d stepped - or rather stumbled - out of the taxi together not 5 minutes before.
“Those are your keys, we’re trying to unlock m y front door, remember?”
“Ohhh, I thought this was my house.”
I rolled my eyes dramatically, hoping to disguise the fact I’d only realised our mistake 30 seconds ago myself. As I fumbled with my own keys, my tongue stuck out in concentration and I heard Ant giggle. I ignored it, too preoccupied with getting the right key in the lock.
“Boop.” That’s when I felt Ant prod my tongue, “ewwww, it’s slimy!” Another giggle.
I huffed. “Ant will ya -”
His eyes were the most incredible colour. A deep copper, hazel marbled with gold; so startlingly clear that my breath hitched in my throat. I stared at him, through him, into him, until a confused look came over his face.
“What Deccy..?”
I swallowed and pushed him inside so I didn’t have to reply.
“DANCE with me Declannn!” I’d sat on the arm of the sofa as Ant proceeded to blast some god awful pop track through the stereo. My eyes followed him around the room as he spun to the music, completely lost in his own drunken world. His hips, his neck, his mouth. The way his muscles moved beneath his shirt.
Why couldn’t I stop staring at him?
N.
“Poofter!” The slur cut sharply through the still evening air but I shrugged it off, keeping my head down. I knew the onslaught was coming, I’d spotted the group of lads a while back down the road.
“Homo’s, the lot of ya!” Although the remarks were entirely unoriginal, they still bruised me somewhere beneath the cool exterior I tried hard to portray. I always kept a list of songs to sing along to in my head, in case of incidents like this; today it was Saturn 5 by Inspiral Carpets. Then it was easy, one foot in front of the other until I reached the sweet shop on the corner. But as I reached into my pocket for the loose change I kept specifically for this purpose, I came up empty, suddenly realising I’d given the last of it to Camelia that morning.
“Bloody excellent,” I sighed.
“‘Orite?” I was striding past the shop entrance when Ant appeared, falling easily into step beside me. “What’s all your huffing about?”
“Ah, nothin’, just some stupid kids, calling names like.” I shrugged and looked at my feet. “And I can’t even get me’self a Freddo.”
Ant glanced up in the direction of the gang but they were already turning off onto a side street, their snide laughter disappearing with them.
“Don’t let it get to ya pal, happens to me all the time.” He slapped me on the back but his arm lingered. When I didn’t reply he continued, “Anyway, they’re only jealous ‘cos we’re making something of our lives and all they’ll do is end up workin’ down the arcade or something.” Ant smiled warmly and I offered a weak smile in return.
“You can have some of my sweets, I’ve bought loads. I’m meant to be giving half to Sarha but she can share my half.” He reached into the carrier bag and before I could object, began filling my hands with sweets.
“Ant, woah!” I let out a breathy laugh, “it’d take me a lifetime to eat all these!” But he just grinned and slipped a Twix into my pocket.
And we walked like that, our arms brushing, telling jokes and laughing until we neared his street.
“Ughh, I feel a bit sick,” I groaned.
“Well, you shouldn’t have eaten 3 sherbet dips and 2 packets of Haribo’s should you!”
“It was your fault,” I shoved him, “you gave me them all!”
“Self control Declan, self control..” A bemused smile played on his lips as he turned and walked away whistling. I watched until he disappeared around a hedge and I couldn’t help breaking into a grin as I ventured home, feeling lighter than I had in weeks.
Y.
She looked beautiful; the white lace of the dress contrasting perfectly with her tanned skin. The way the satin hugged her curves and how the flowers complimented everything. But it was Ant who I found myself watching. The way he never tired of the chit chat with the guests, something that he would usually get exhausted by within 10 minutes. The way his eyes sparkled as he shared a moment with the woman who was to be his wife. How he stood taller, taking in everything around him. I observed all this from a distance, experiencing the day in such a different way. I felt slightly uneasy but I couldn’t place the feeling, not until later.
As I stood by the tables, watching him dance with his wife, so complete and together, it came to me. I felt excluded, something that had never happened with me and Ant before. For all our synchronised moments, for each step we took together, this was one Ant was taking alone. And the feeling that he was slipping away, so irretrievably out of reach, came upon me so suddenly I almost felt my legs give way.
The storm clouds gathered within me, raging against my heart and cutting my airways like string. I wanted to scream and claw at him, ‘Don’t leave! Don’t leave me alone, we promised! You promised me we wouldn’t let each other be alone out there!’ All the while I kept my features calm, showing polite interest; the only tell tales signs being the white of my knuckles and tears stinging in my eyes. And it was then, as I stood helpless, that I felt the first slow pangs of unrequited love. The constant dull ache. Felt it bleeding through my heartstrings like ink trailing the lines of a palm.
But Ant, so unaware and in love, gazed upon Lisa like she was the most beautiful creation on God’s green earth...
and oh, how I wished it was me.
‘Falling’s not the problem, when I’m falling, I’m at peace. It’s only when I hit the ground, it causes all the grief.’