Chapter Text
Yes it's true that Jungkook has the innocence of a lamb, the softness of a cloud, and the tininess of a budding flower. Yes it's true that he is indeed the woodliest little snoodle on planet earth. And indeed it is also true that Jungkook is the most precious treasure in the entire galaxy and that even aliens envy the incomprehensible enigma that is Jungkook's cuteness.
But that doesn't mean that everyone needs to treat him with such disrespect. No, the rumours are not true that he's actually just composed of marshmallows and cotton candy, and indeed he is made up of the same stuff as everyone else (feelings). No, you cannot squish Jungkook's cheeks no matter how much he reminds you of your nonexistent grandson. And no, he is not actually just dozens of bunnies disguised in a trench coat. He wishes people would stop making that mistake.
In the same stream of reasoning, he also wishes that his friend Jimin (the only friend he had actually managed to make, being too cute for most mortals to withstand without wrapping him up in an excessive amount of bubble wrap to keep him safe) would stop treating him like he was five years old.
"Damn it, Jimin, do you have to constantly be squishing my cheeks together?" Jungkook demands.
Jimin, who has his fingers pinched on either sides of Jungkook's face and is pulling at his cheeks while making obscenely obnoxious noises, stills for a second as he looks as Jungkook inquisitively. "You ask that like there's another option." he says, confusion written all over his face.
"There is," Junkook confirms and Jimin squints at him, "you can just not do it."
The corners of Jimin's mouth turn down as he stares, uncomprehending at Jungkook, hands still latched onto Jungkook's face. “I'm not sure I understand.” Jimin says.
Jungkook sighs, lifting his hands to his face so that he can take Jimin's wrists and demonstrate the fact that he can pull him off. His fingers fold loosely around Jimin's palms as he tugs at them gently. Jimin's grip on his cheeks doesn't loosen. Instead, Jungkook ends up just pulling on his own cheeks with Jimin's hands, making Jimin squeal with delight and grin down at him, breath playing hotly at Jungkook's face.
Jungkook's cheeks hurt from being pulled so much. “Come on, man.” he says exasperated. Jimin giggles excessively in response, hands still fastened to Jungkook's cheeks.
Literally being the cutest human being on earth sometimes makes Jungkook's friendship a lot more strained.
. . .
Jungkook has to wear ear protection around Baekhyun. It is something he'd long ago grown to accept. Baekhyun is already a boisterous guy and a noisy neighbor in general, but every time he sees Jungkook that noisiness is amplified by the power of ten. Every time that he so much as glances in Jungkook's direction he screams.
It is not Baekhyun's fault; not really. Jungkook knows that his face may as well be made of kittens and clouds. He could not help being the sweetest and most innocent person on earth. Even if he tried to look aggressive at all people would just just squeal even more. Once upon a time Jungkook had tried to calm his cuteness down a bit by getting really fit and developing bulging muscles that were absolutely not cute and maybe intimidating, but that had had no effect. The only thing that had happened was that his friend Jimin responded with “And somehow you still manage to be tiny.” while grinning widely and reaching up to pinch Jungkook's cheek.
After that Jungkook had given up his dreams of being a comprehensible level of cute.
It is for reasons like these that Jungkook is a little antsy about his job interview. He's already stressed and it doesn't help that Baekhyun is screaming at him from the other side of the fence again when Jungkook just wants to ask him to water his flowers. This always happens. When Baekhyun calms down enough to form coherent sentences, Jungkook tries not to look too nervous in his ironed shirt and pressed tie, knowing that would only make it worse.
“You're like a bunny that going to his nine-to-five office job.” Baekhyun squeals delighted, squeezing the hem of his shirt in his hands and rocking back and forth on his heels.
“Okay-” Jungkook starts before being interrupted by another one of Baekhyun's squeals. He waits patiently for Baekhyun to get a hold of himself. “I'm about to go to a job interview-” another squeal, “And I was wondering, since you're already doing your own, if you could water my plants while I was out, I'm worried about the sun getting to them.”
“That's so adorable that you care so much about your plants!” Baekhyun exclaims. Jungkook thinks it's actually a pretty average thing to care about your plants, but he knows better than to mention that. Usually if Jungkook tries to be modest, people just think he is cuter. Tragic.
. . .
The interview goes about as well as Jungkook could have expected, at least Kim Junmyeon is professional enough to keep his hands away from cupping Jungkook's face, though he does cup his own face and spend an unnerving amount of time staring at him. “And what is it about the Lame and Dumb© Offices that interests you?” Junmyeon asks, head resting dreamily on his hands. He only briefly glances at the sheet before him, before turning his unsettlingly wide eyes back up to Jungkook.
“I just, like what you guys do. My father used to work here and he said that- why aren't you writing anything down?”
Junmyeon glances down at the empty spaces in the sheets before him. “Oh my,” he says, “I'm sorry I was just a little distracted. Did you know that you're the cutest person I've ever seen?”
Jungkook shifts in his seat. “I'm not sure how to answer that question.” he meanders.
“You see?! Adorable!” Junmyeon exclaims. “How did you get this cute?”
Jungkook frowns. “That's not a question on your sheet.”
Junmyeon immediately becomes more businesslike. He straightens the papers on his desk and looks at Jungkook under his glasses. “Sometimes I go off script according to the interviewee. Answer the question.”
“Well I mean I guess I was born-”
Before Jungkook can finish his sentence Junmyeon interrupts him. “Can i squish your cheeks?”
Jungkook sighs. “No.”
“Are you certain?”
“Yes.”
Junmyeon nods and adds his first note to his papers. Jungkook can read it upside-down, it says 'NO cheek-squishing' Jungkook suppresses a sigh. Junmyeon looks back up at him, “And there is no way you'll change your mind?”
“Absolutely not.”
Junmyeon hums and underlines the 'NO cheek-squishing' several times. He looks back up at Jungkook seriously. “I'm going to be honest, when I heard I was going to be conducting interviews, I didn't expect to see a baby in a suit.” Junmyeon laughs.
Jungkook frowns. “I'm twenty years old.” he says.
“And I can see by your resume that you're very qualified." Junmyeon tells him. "You know I came into this interview very impressed, but I'm afraid that this office doesn't hire tiny bunnies.”
Jungkook suppresses a groan. “I'm a human being.” he says.
Junmyeon cocks his head to the side, “Hm?” he says, “Oh yes I see that you are. This is weird, for a second there I could have sworn that I was interviewing a- nevermind. Let me take a look back down at your qualifications.” he looks down to the papers before him and shifts through them absentmindedly. “Okay, yes, I see that everything is in order now. Can you start Monday?”
. . .
On his first day at work sixteen people squeal loudly at the sight of him, nine people drop their papers, and one person breaks their stapler by literally crushing it in their hands when he asks them for help in getting settled down. Jungkook thinks it could be worse. He shares an office with a guy called Chanyeol and a girl called Solji, who upon seeing him, both fall to the floor hugging themselves and whispering deliriously to each other about how cute Jungkook is while stroking each other's faces. Jungkook wishes he could say that it was the first time that had happened.
When Jungkook is in his office, Chanyeol is usually hugging him closely in cramped or otherwise awkward positions as he tries to squeeze the life out of Jungkook like toothpaste out of a tube. Jungkook thinks that his cheeks are going to become prematurely saggy because they keep being pulled this way and that by random people in the office.
These are the sacrifices he has to make in order to have a job though, so Jungkook powers through it. Such are the drawbacks of being the most precious being in the entirety of existence forever.