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You were always the one for me but I was never the one for you.
To my dearest Boo,
You and I were two peas in a pod. I don’t remember a time it was Seokmin and Seungkwan. For me, it has always been SeokminSeungkwan. While I was red, you were green, a complementary color to the other. You were the sun while I was the moon. Without the sun, the moon would not be as visible it is as it gets light from the sun. You were like gravity, a force that pulled everything to the center of the earth. The force that grounded me and made sure I did not stray away.
And as I look back, I think of when I started using past tense to describe “us”. When you, my present, became my past, not my future. When ‘are' became ‘were' or when ‘am' became 'was'. When did this start? Where did it all go wrong?
We were in love, that I was sure of.
To be completely honest, there wasn’t a big event that caused us to drift apart. No, it wasn’t a big fight nor was it because of another party involved. We just drifted apart. The visits and the lunch outs lessened. All we could manage was a meek “hi” before we had to go do something more important. It was like we were so engrossed with other things in our lives, we forgot about each other.
There were so many events that pointed to our destined demise. These events slowly piled up and anyone with eyes could see where we were heading. I remained blind to the fact we weren’t communicating anymore. I wished I put more attention to it because maybe, just maybe, our story would've ended better.
Remember the time I forgot it was our anniversary because I was working hard to get that promotion at work and lost track of the time? That day started out so well with a breakfast in bed I prepared, with me feeding you the food, as you were still sleepy. I ran a bath for you and kissed you on your head before I went for work. It was just so hectic with so many documents that I needed to pass so that I’d meet the deadline. I sincerely lost track of the time because the next thing I knew it was already eleven o’clock, which had me racing out the office and into our home.
When I opened the door, I saw it all. The trail of daffodils leading to the table where an untouched full course meal for two sat. I could hear my own heart breaking, seeing all the effort you put in making me happy. I did not deserve you. But you know what landed the heaviest blow on my heart? It was seeing you asleep on your side of the bed, curled up with tear tracks on your face. I hesitantly laid beside you, and you weren’t that deep into sleep because you woke up, turned to me and whispered, “Happy anniversary!” with a small smile. I broke down into tears after that. And you? You held me in your arms and let me cry tears of regret, for not being able to appreciate what you had prepared. I'd like to ask every deity to out there, how in the world did I deserve you, Boo Seungkwan? You are the most amazing person I've ever met. You probably don’t want to hear it again but I truly am sorry.
Remember when you ignored me because you were working on your new track and you wanted the lyrics to be perfect. A simple hello or an “I love you” would’ve sufficed. You ignored my every attempt to catch your attention and when I went too far as to shoving you off your chair, you sneered at me, and with venom, said the words I’ve always feared to hear, “Go bother someone else, Seokmin. I have more important things to do.” I was sent into shock by hearing those words coming out of your mouth. I’ve always told you about my insecurities and that statement highlighted those. It seemed like you also realized what you said, as you turned back to me and reached out, grabbing my arms and encircling me in your embrace. You kept on saying sorry and that you loved me, but to be honest, the warmth of your embrace was enough to calm me down and forgive you.
The lunches we used to have? They used to be a time to let go, and just enjoy each other’s presence. We’d tell stories of the things happening at work, what our friends were up to, random things to keep us entertained while the food was being made. And when the food arrived, we’d have a staring contest on who can last longer without laughing or talking because our mouths were filled with water. Most of the time, I lost because you’d pull the funniest facial expressions. But that one time I didn’t win was so memorable because you accidentally spit it at the server. I tried to hold it in but I couldn’t. Your face was priceless. It was frozen in a state of shock, horror, and embarrassment combined. The server looked surprised and disgusted with what you did. You tried helping by giving him tissues to dry himself, but when you were handing him the tissues, you bumped the glass of water and it spilled on his shoes. Needless to say, we never ate there again after that fiasco.
But recently, lunches were filled with tense silences and awkward attempts to start conversations. I’d ask a question and you’d give me a short answer and then silence ensued. You’d ask me something and I’d answer shortly but we could never seem to hold a conversation longer than one reply and one answer. We were so out of tune with each other, we’d be surprised when we learned what was truly happening from our various friends.
Even around our close friends, we just weren’t the same anymore. We were just hanging out with Soonyoung and Jihoon at home, talking about each other and other things like normal couples do. We were laughing and joking around, it was a fun time. But they saw something different with us. Soonyoung told me we’d laugh and tell stories but the air around us was awkward and tense. We weren’t that affectionate that night, a hold of hand here, a chaste kiss on the lips there, but other than that, it was like we weren’t a couple, or even friends at all. Soonyoung asked me about it and I just shrugged. We’ve come to the point where we’re hanging by the thread, relying on fate for when we’ll get cut, when this will end.
When they left us on our own, we trudged back to our bed and laid down. No body part was touching the other’s, we were just curled up on the different sides of the bed with our backs to each other. I was left thinking about Soonyoung’s question. What happened? Why were we like that? Why couldn’t we be more like Soonyoung and Jihoon?
You wouldn’t believe me if I said those two were dating at first glance. Those two were polar opposites of each other. While Soonyoung lived on the noise and people, Jihoon’s comfort was his solitude. While Soonyoung was a bright cheerful person, Jihoon had this cold grumpy exterior. This and that, opposites, yet they make their relationship work. They had this deep understanding of each other that couples long to have. Soonyoung would know when to tone down his excited cheerfulness when he sensed how Jihoon was stressed because the only way to calm him was to gently bring him back to reality. Jihoon would go to Soonyoung’s dance studio when his showcases were close, bringing him food, a change of clothes, lots of water, and even more hugs and kisses to pepper Soonyoung with. While Jihoon may seem annoyed at Soonyoung most of the time, he’s secretly smiling at every dumb thing he does because he always had the biggest soft spot for him. They were so tender with each other, anyone who saw them could see the love, affection, adoration and respect present in their 5-year relationship.
Haha, one look at us now, people would even question whether we were really in a relationship. I missed the times we were so full of love for each other. It was okay though since we were still hanging on. I think the final straw was that one week where no communication was present. I think we didn’t even talk at all. That Friday night, when I got home and saw you on the couch, I knew we had to talk.
I then started walking towards you, and I tapped you on the shoulder. You turned around with eyes full of unshed tears, saw me and said, “I think we need to talk.” I tried to smile and joke by saying, “You took the words right out of my mouth.”
You patted the space right beside you on the couch. I sat and at first, both of us couldn’t say anything. 5 minutes or so passed before you hesitantly reached for my hand and intertwined our fingers. I was never given the chance to tell you the warmth that spread to me when we held our hands. Sure, we’ve held hands before but that action meant so much more during that moment. We faced each other after that and you, being the brave soul you are, spoke up first. I could never forget what you said because you didn’t start with it’s not working out anymore or we’ve drifted apart. No, you said, “Remember when I used to always make you push me on the swing so I’d go higher?” I had to smile at those memories. You were always screaming at me to push you but you always screeched you hated me while you went higher and higher. After that, our cheeks would be rosy from laughing so hard and smiling a little too much.
It seemed like I didn’t reply as you asked it again. I answered, “Of course.” That prompted you to mention various memories of us in the past from our supermarket races to tumbling down the hill covered in snow, which ended up with a sprained wrist for you and sore nose for me. It was so good to relive those memories. It was almost like watching them in a screen as you continued to tell me stories of our adventures back when I could definitely say we were SeokminSeungkwan. I felt the happiness of the memories, reminiscent of our youth and what we once were. As I felt the happiness, something else came and engulfed me. Remorse and regret hit me. Why didn’t I try hard enough to fix us? Why was I so weak as to not see the path we were heading? Your voice pulled me out my self-loathing session. You said, “I’m sorry.” You proceeded to cry on me, using my shirt as a tissue but I did not mind. My boyfriend, my partner, my sweetheart, the love of my life, you were saying sorry for what we became when we were both at fault for it. I hugged you, rocked you back and forth, but your sobs would only increase in volume and intensity. I did one thing that always seemed to calm you. I lifted up your head from my chest and put our foreheads together. You didn’t want to meet my eyes so I said, “Look at me.” You looked me in the eyes and I saw the man I was in love with for more than 4 years. We just held each other for a long time, and little did I know that we would be the catalyst for us to rebuild and fix our relationship.
Things got better for us. We started communicating more. The lunch outs came back, the conversations got longer and we were happy. We rekindled our love for each other and I’m so glad we didn’t give up on us.
You are one in a million, Seungkwan. You hung up the stars and shine like the sun. You were as bright as yellow that seemed to emanate happiness everywhere he goes. You were as calming as blue that reminded people of serenity like what the sky and ocean seem to offer. You were as fun as orange, one who manages to convince people to do the craziest things at the most random times. And you were as passionate as red, whose core burned deeply for the things she cared about. I can never contain my happiness, the joy I feel when you hug me close just for a minute because with you, time make no sense and everything is infinite. Someone told me, “Happiness may seem objective, but it’s up to you to make it subjective.” Do you want to know what happiness was to me? It was you, Boo Seungkwan. It was, and has always been you.
That’s why it was so hard to see you so sick and unhealthy. No one saw it coming. You suddenly caught a fever, and you complained of sore throat and a stuffy nose. When I got home, I had to massage you because you said your muscles ached. I always ran a bath for you before we went to sleep, in hopes to remove the fatigue you felt. But you didn’t seem to get better. I brought you to the doctor because I was starting to get really worried for you. They said you had the flu. All it took to rid you of the disease was to just rest and drink lots and lots of water. I made sure you did those things, calling you every 3 hours to check on you. You even called mother a handful of times. Slowly, but surely, you got better. You could breathe properly and your throat was good. You still felt fatigue and had a slight fever but you were getting there.
We were supposed to celebrate you getting better by having dinner in our favorite diner when you started vomiting and having chest pains. I swear my heart stopped when I saw you clutching your chest then you started throwing up. I had to rush you to the emergency room and the nurses that took you from my arms to a stretcher, and then they proceeded to ask me what happened to you. I don’t know how I formed coherent sentences but I managed to say chest pains and vomiting. The minutes I was left to my own devices were the most nerve-wracking. I didn’t know what was happening to you. My mind was going in overdrive to come up with situations and illnesses to justify what you were experiencing. The stench of disinfectant was heavy in the air. Is this how cruel life can be? Your happiness being taken away from you the second you get it back? What did we do to deserve this? Are we destined for this misery?
Pneumonia. You caught it easily when you had the flu.
Seungkwan, I’ve loved you for 4 years now and I’ll always love you for the years to come.
Your love,
Seokmin
~
Soonyoung and Jihoon had insisted to come with him, but Seokmin told them, he needed to do this alone. He drove for miles until he reached his destination. He got out of the car with a tight grip on an envelope. He walked, looking for it. Seokmin finally found it so he laid the sealed envelope, which contained his first and last love letter, on the grass, just beside the gravestone of the man who gave him everything and the one he’ll never stop loving.
I want to repeat every little measure you represent, so I can always go back to where you start and it’ll have no end.