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Jungkook is not as subtle as he’d like to be. But Jimin seems oblivious and the other hyungs haven’t ever said anything about how much time he spends looking at Jimin. Watching Jimin.
Jimin-watching is his favorite activity.
Jungkook can easily say that he knows his Jimin hyung really well. He knows Jimin hyung speaks a lot, laughs a lot, knows everyone, has a smile for everyone. But he also knows that Jimin hyung hides his nervousness behind those smiles and that he cries at night when he thinks Jungkook has already fallen asleep.
Jungkook knows that Jimin hyung misses home and that’s why they continue sleeping together almost every night. Jungkook misses Busan too, but with Jimin hyung everything is easier. Everything is even easier since they went to Busan together for New Year’s Eve.
It’s difficult to explain. Jungkook is just a 15-year-old boy, but since they went together to Busan, Jimin has become his comfort person even more. It’s like it’s real, now, that also Jimin knows the smell of the sea, the colors of the sunrise, the call of the seagull.
They were together just a little bit on the first day of the year, in a park not far from both of their parents’ homes. Something about Jimin being the first person that Jungkook met in 2013, apart from family, makes his heart beat faster.
It’s a secret that he keeps for himself, even though his brother and his parents frowned all the time for how much he talks about Jimin. You seem to like this Jimin very much, his father said, chuckling. And Jungkook became all red in the face, making his mother and brother laugh too.
Jungkook felt light, at that moment. He imagined how much his family would like Jimin, how much his mother would love Jimin. He imagined bringing Jimin home and introducing him and…
And then he thinks that Jimin would introduce himself as his hyung. Jungkook’s favorite hyung.
But that’s not true, because Jungkook’s favorite hyung is Seokjin hyung and Jimin is the person he’s in love with.
Jungkook is always tired. They’re preparing for the debut, he’s studying for school and he doesn’t know what he wants to do with his life anymore.
The neighbors and the family would say he can’t make a decision, he’s immature and his parents should not trust him anymore. But his mother is very soft on the phone. He tells him to think about what he sees himself doing in the future, to not feel any shame if he wants to do something else, and to talk about it with someone he trusts. Some of your new friends, his mother says. What about Jimin?
Jimin invites him to eat an ice cream together. “I’m gonna pay, I’m the hyung!” Jimin almost screams, making Jungkook laugh. “Why don’t you take me seriously?”
How could he? Jimin’s pout is so endearing that Jungkook wishes he could have Jimin in his pocket all day long.
Jungkook just shakes his head while giggling and he knows Jimin is hiding a satisfied smile for having made him happy.
“You are quiet and always thinking lately. More than usual, I mean,” Jimin says. “Look, I don’t want to pressure you, I know you hate me when I’m overbearing and overprotective and over-something, but if you need to talk—”
Jungkook wants to reply that he could never, never, never hate Jimin, but he is too shy, he’s too anxious about the possibility of showing too much of himself. “Uh, hyung, you’re not… I don’t… I just wonder if I should change my path.”
“What? Do you want to leave the company?” Jimin asks and Jungkook hears a little disappointment in his voice.
“No!” Jungkook shakes his head energetically. “No… I… I think I like to dance, so maybe I could do something else. I don’t like singing that much and I’m not that good, I prefer dancing! I should be apprentice of Sungdeuk and—”
“Jungkook, what are you saying? What is this story you’re not that good at singing?”
“Yeah, hyung that’s true. My voice is not that special and—”
“It is, and the group needs you, Jungkook. Do you like us? Or do you want to leave us? You can tell me, I’m not going to judge you.”
Jungkook looks at Jimin, who is pouting. His rosy lips are brown from the ice cream and Jungkook’s chest hurts. How come his hyung is so adorable? So pretty?
He’s becoming prettier and prettier. Jungkook doesn’t understand how. When he looks at himself in the mirror, he looks like an ugly baby crow, while Jimin’s lips become more beautiful than roses, his eyes become as shiny as the crescent moon, and his face becomes the one of an angel.
Will Jungkook become handsome enough to deserve Jimin, sooner or later?
He inhales and decides to speak the truth. Or part of it. Because the whole truth would be that he doesn’t know if he’s brave enough to not be with Jimin anymore. Because now he can imagine, he can hope, and egotistically, he can absorb some of Jimin’s vitality to acquire the light he needs.
“I don’t want to leave the group, but—”
“Jungkook,” Jimin calls him and looks at him so seriously that Jungkook shivers. “You’re our little star. And you’ll become so, so big. I know it. Everyone will love you. Do you believe me?”
Jungkook smiles. He wants to say that everyone will love Jimin, because he is pretty, he is magnetic, he dances like a swan and his voice is the voice of an angel. “Silly hyung, if you’re scared you would miss me you could have just told me.”
Jimin laughs and pushes Jungkook softly, while they walk through the street.
Nobody knows them. Maybe Jungkook should have convinced Jimin to leave everything together, so that they would have a normal life. Maybe dancers can date each other.
But Jimin will do great things, and Jungkook tells himself that he’d like to be by his side. That he also wants to learn from his other hyungs. How to write, how to compose, how to dance better. And maybe he will do great things, too.
Jungkook doesn’t like to go to school. He feels like a foreigner in another country and he doesn’t have the time to nurture other relationships. Trying to know his hyungs and navigating his teens without his parents but with a bunch of loud boys older than him and training all time is already hard enough.
But sometimes he finds papers in his backpack, with little cute doodles and sweet words―once he also found a stain of lipstick. He doesn’t understand who it is, but it’s more than one girl, because the writing is always different.
Sometimes there are girls who approach him, giggling and twirling their hair. Once, Namjoon hyung said that it’s a sign of flirting. So Jungkook blushes and giggles in return, but not for the same reasons.
He doesn’t talk about this with anyone. Maybe his hyungs would expect him to date one of these girls, to kiss them, to be the best boyfriend ever.
Jimin is giggling for the umpteenth time, because Jungkook opens his backpack and he finds a little piece of paper. It’s pink and there are a lot of little hearts and stars and it’s written with a purple glitter pen.
I love you, oppa, please notice me! HRM
“Oppa, oppa, notice me!” Jimin jokes, hitting Jungkook faintly on the shoulder while laughing.
Jungkook smiles shyly, not convinced if he’s embarrassed by the message or by Jimin calling him oppa.
“Jungkook-ah, you are so popular that girls know your favorite color is purple!”
“I’m… I’m not popular, hyung,” he negates, obviously lying.
“You are, and all these girls like you so much. Don’t lie to me, Jungkookie!”
Jungkook pouts while Jimin looks completely captivated by the idea. Jungkook doesn’t like these girls, even if they are so pretty. But maybe Jimin would not understand him, so Jungkook stays silent and asks his hyung if he would like to work on a popping routine together.
Jungkook shouldn’t do it, maybe it’s creepy, but when he can, when he’s alone, when he’s bored, when he doesn’t have anything else to do, he goes on YouTube and watches their contents, particularly Jimin’s. Jimin has been doing a lot of lives lately and he read somewhere that Jimin spoke about his favorite dongsaeng in his last one.
“Whatever he does, Jungkook seems bewildered,” Jimin said. “He’s cute.”
What does he mean?
Jungkook’s belly is a nest of worms, he feels agitated and nauseated. Jimin said he looks cute. Cute as Jungkook sees Jimin, with his squishy cheeks and his big red lips that make him look like a little chick, that make Jungkook want to kiss him? Or cute as Seokjin hyung sees Jungkook, like his little boy to feed and to take to school, like his little brother to joke with, like the dongsaeng of a whole group of six cool boys?
Jungkook doesn’t know if it feels uncomfortable or nice. If he feels sad or happy.
He just wants Jimin to look at him, and Jimin does. Maybe not in the way Jungkook wishes to be looked at.
The first time, they’re joking around. Or maybe Jungkook is not joking, he’s just so tired of being called the little dongsaeng. So he lifts Jimin up in bride’s style, he spins around with Jimin in his arms as if Jimin weighs nothing.
Jungkook loves it, he feels strong, he loves to hear Jimin giggles and to be hit on the chest by Jimin’s little hands. “Let me go!” Jimin screams laughing and Jungkook would like to say no, I’m never letting you go, hyung, but he just laughs devilishly before putting Jimin down.
Hoseok sees them and finds the idea so cool. They should practice lifts for some choreography. This is a skill that they should not overlook.
Jungkook is overjoyed by it. It’s even stupid to say so, it’s so obvious to him, so he doesn’t want to make it obvious to the others too. Sometimes he prefers to joke, to lift Jimin up like a sack of potatoes, so nobody can think about the dirty thoughts that dance in his head every time Jimin’s warmth touches his body.
Jimin laughs. When he’s treated like a sack of potatoes and when he’s treated like a bride. Jungkook laughs too, he can’t stop. He’s so happy with Jimin in his arms, he can’t help it.
So, maybe he’s not good at hiding.
At least he doesn’t blush. Not even when Jimin circles his neck with his arms and their faces are so close to each other.
Jungkook’s crazy mind goes just kiss him kiss him kiss him.
But Jungkook does not, because he’s respectable and he respects his hyungs too.
And because Jimin is such a delight, he deserved better than to be kissed by a cranky teenager like him.
Park Jimin has abs.
He has abs and he shows them all the time because the others force him to do it. Hobi hyung particularly, he’s finding a lot of joy in pushing Jimin’s shirts up to see those damn abs.
When Jungkook felt attracted just by thick lips and round cheekbones and expressive eyes, he could pretend that everything was temporary and normal.
Now he can’t escape from the fact that he likes abs on men. On Jimin.
He opens Naver on his tablet and searches for why do I like my hyung? and the answers are: your hyung is like a big brother and dotes on you. So he corrects his search. Why am I attracted to my hyung? And the answers are more difficult, they choke Jungkook, who can’t breathe, and shivers. There are some other boys, boys like him, who have asked the same questions and the answers are not always kind.
You are probably gay. It’s not a problem, if he doesn’t find out, since a lot of our hyungs happened to be homophobes. Don’t tell him, he could hate you. Tell him just if you’re super sure that he’s attracted to you too.
The person who asked the first question left another question after this reply. He tells me I’m cute and he tells me I’m handsome.
Jungkook skips expectantly to the next reply, just to deflate. Hyungs just like to encourage us to have girlfriends. Maybe he tells you that for this reason, or maybe he likes you. Just… be careful. Always.
Jungkook closes this forum and blocks his tablet.
He now knows that homophobes exist. He now understands that they hate gay people. And he now knows that he’s gay.
Jimin couldn’t hate anyone even if he tried, but Jungkook won’t risk it. He just… He thinks that maybe, if he takes a nap, some of this overthinking will disappear.
Jungkook tries not to think about his big problem, his big gay crush on his favorite hyung. He tries to hide it, sometimes he says that somebody else is more handsome than Jimin, flinches when Jimin touches him for fear of being too obvious.
Jimin doesn’t notice anything. If he does, he’s kind as always.
“Where is my little Jungkookie…?” A singsong voice echoes in the hallway. “Kook-ah, Koo-Koo, where are you? Ready to go out?”
Jungkook snorts and goes out, looking at himself in the bathroom’s mirror one last time before meeting with his silly hyung.
His silly hyung is so cute. So pretty. He looks like an angel with his straight dark hair and white shirt and big sweet eyes.
When he looks at Jungkook, his eyes become two curved lines on his face and Jungkook feels butterflies in his belly.
“We dressed the same! White shirts team!”
“Hyung, it’s not a big deal. It’s just a white shirt. Everyone wears white shirts.”
Jimin snorts. “Boo-hoo, party pooper!”
Jungkook can’t stop his laughter. His hyung is really silly sometimes. He makes Jungkook laugh like no other.
“Do you know what I heard?”
Jungkook shakes his head.
“I heard that men in dress shirts are really sexy! We should take a selfie before going out!”
Jungkook’s cheeks tinge of a faded red. He’s able to be more composed while taking the selfie, to make his Jimin hyung happy.
Maybe it comes from his subconscious, behaving as if Jimin was not his hyung, but simply a friend, simply an important person in his life.
Part of him does it to get away from Jimin and his almost obsessive thoughts, part of him does it because he no longer wants to be treated like the little dongsaeng who needs to be pampered. He wants to be treated as Jimin’s equal. And that should give him pause, considering it doesn't happen to him with any of his other hyungs.
But nothing that passes through his mind is new to him anymore. Because his thoughts race quickly, chaotically, sometimes he can’t even hear them. But his thoughts about Jimin are recognizable, clear, and transparent.
What Jungkook hadn’t thought about, however, was that others would also notice this chaos in his behavior. Especially Jimin.
Jungkook shouldn’t be surprised when Jimin jumps up and screams. “Rascal!”
Jungkook feels his own eyes grow bigger. Maybe that’s what Jimin meant when he said that Jungkook always looks like he’s bewildered.
“I’ve been nice to you. You pat my head for being short. I’m two years older than you!”
Jungkook is laughing like he never did in his life. Jimin really is his silliest and goofiest hyung. He likes Jimin so much, so much, even if Jimin doesn’t really think that Jungkook is a rascal, Jungkook should let him know how much he’s loved.
“You’re kind and nice,” he speaks and his voice doesn’t waver, surprisingly. “I did it because I like you!”
It’s not an excuse, it’s the reality.
Jimin giggles like he’s not serious, then he comes back down and when the cameras are not around them, he hugs Jungkook, holding him very tightly. “Do you really think I’m kind and nice?”
Jungkook is a little sad, because does this mean that Jimin believes Jungkook could ever think ill of him?
Jungkook shakes his head. “You’re so silly. Of course.”
“Am I your favorite hyung, Jungkookie?”
Jimin seems shy, but Jungkook thinks that it’s because they’re not used to expressing their feelings like this.
So he just replies, “don’t ever talk about this in front of the other hyungs”.
September has passed and Jungkook is sixteen. Still a teenager, still confused, still chaotic, still with a crush on his hyung.
Jimin says that Jungkook is so handsome all the time now.
But Jungkook can’t help going back to that forum where he found out he is gay. So he doesn’t get his hopes up.