Chapter Text
The moment Dazai woke up, he knew something was wrong. His whole body was hurting, he was sweating and shivering, curled up and facing the wall of the shipping container he calles home.
He blinked, trying to get rid of the fog that was pestering his mind.
After some time he finally managed to register some things around him. His clothes were wet, making him impossibly cold. The air smelled like cheap vodka, cigarettes and something metalic. Blood.
Despite his body feeling 100 pounds heavier than usually, Dazai shot up in bed, frantically looking around to see where the blood came from. There was no body or anything that would indicate another person exept him here. Still, he stumbled out of bed and immediately fell onto his knees.
Maybe Yosano was right, maybe he should really eat more.
The space in front of his bed was packed with empty bottles, some reduced to shards of colourful glass, that painted his floor next to the blood. His blood. That certainly explained the burning on his arm.
He looked around a bit, seeing his coat and vest lying next to the entrance, completely soaked and making a little puddle on the floor.
He needed to get his shit together. He needed to get to work. Bandage his wounds, dry his clothes, wash the smell of cigarettes and loneliness away and be the person he always was at work.
He pushed himself up, attempting to stand once again and succeeding. Dazais knees where trembling and he felt like all his insides were replaced by needles, but atleast he was standing.
Slowly he walked toward his makeshift nightstand, wich was really just an upside down trashcan but who was gonna judge him, nobody came here.
He reached for his phone.
Fuck.
He was going to be late. Everyone will hate him. He was gonna get fired.
Fuck. Get going. Start moving. DO SOMETHING.
But he couldn't. The brunette just stood there, frozen. There was too much going on in his head. His breathing got faster, his brain needing more oxygen, more something.
The familiar uncomfortable lump set in his throat. He choked back a sob. Desperately trying to get his stuff.
He stumbled over to his coat, trying to pick it up but he was shaking too much. He starred at his hand, eyes wide, and finally saw what he did last night.
There was dried blood all over his arm, he could barely see the wounds anymore, some new blood was already dripping down on the floor, wounds beeing reopened by the sudden movement.
Get up, you have to go. Go. Go. Go. Please fuck. Someone help.
He fell to the floor again, gripping his hair and pulling on it, bitting his lip until he was bleeding there too.
He could taste his tears, they were running down his face, dripping onto his blouse, leaving dark stains.
There was a phone in his hand.
Help.
He needed help.
Someone to slap him and tell him to get his shit together. Maybe put a bullet through his head.
He unlocked his phone with trembling hands, pressing the first person that pooped up on his call list.
When Chuuyas phone rang at 4 am he wasn't going to pick up. It was nighttime, whoever called him had to wait. The only thing making him turn over in bed was, that the ringtone was different than his usual one.
This one was reserved for a specific idiot.
He groaned, sitting up and taking the phone, answering the call.
He expected the usual drunk flirting.
What he didn't expect was crying.
"Dazai?" he spoke into the phone, shock evident in his voice. For a few seconds he only heard hurried breathing and hoarse sobs. Then, finally a quiet "chibi?".
It sounded so small, so broken than Chuuya was didn't know what to say for a moment.
Why was Dazai calling him? Why was he crying and hyperventilating?
"Dazai, what the fuck, it's the middle of the night" he finally managed to say, sounding angrier than intended. "Are you in some river again? Did u drink too much?"
There was silence on the other end of the line, before he heard a wail coming from Dazai. It sounded so heartbroken he actually began to worry
"Mackerel I didn't mean to sound so angry, I'm sorry, what's going on...I can come g-"
He was cut of by the beeping on his phone. Dazai had hung up on him.
This was just perfect.
Chuuya sat there for a moment, unsure of what to do. Dazai had never called him like this before. He was definitely having a panic attack, and Chuuya just made it worse. God, he wanted to slap himself.
But now was not the time for self improvement. He had to find Dazai before he got himself into serious trouble.
Judging by the background noise he was alone, so Chuuya prayed he was in his shipping container and not in some alleyway on the other side of town.
He got out of bed, throwing on the first pair of pants he found and keeping his sleeping shirt, there was no time for fashion.
He practically ran out of his apartment, immediately going in the direction of Dazais "home", hoping he wasn't too late.
Dazai was laying on the floor, hearing Chuuyas voice. He sounded angry.
Slug was angry at him. He shouldn't have called.
Worthless piece of shit.
He curled up on the floor, the glass poking his skin, the tears burning in his eyes.
He couldn't breathe, his throat closing up and his lungs abandoning him, leaving him gasping for air pathetically.
His Chibi hated him, he was sure. Why did he call him. How could he be so stupid. Now Chuuya never wanted to see him again.
He'll probably tell Mori where to find him. He had to get away.
But he couldn't move, shaking on the floor like the useless piece of shit he was.
Maybe he would suffocate. He hoped he would.
Everything was a blurr, his breaths coming out hot and fast, his head spinning, he felt like he was runover.
He deserve this. Dazai was sure of it. So he just let it happen.
When Chuuya finally arrived at Dazais container he immediately kicked down the door. He'd fix it later.
The scene in front of him was worse than he had imagined.
Dazai was lying on the floor, curled up next to his wet coat, wearing only his work pants and white blouse wich was decorated with blood sprinkles.
He was crying, sobbing, a pathetic hoarse sound, and he was shaking.
All around him was blood and broken glass, the room reeked of cigarettes and Alcohol, a little of the metalic smell also hanging in the air.
Chuuya ran over to Dazai, kneeling down next to his shivering body. "Dazai, Oi dazai can u hear me? What's going on?"
His former partner didn't answer, didn't even look at him like he wasn't there right in front of him.
He was hyperventilating, muttering incoherent stuff inbetween forced breaths. Chuuya caught the word 'slug'. Dazai only called him that. Did he finally recognise him?
Chuuya gently grabbed Dazais shoulder and lifted him into a half sitting position, leaning him against his makeshift desk.
The taller man still wasn't looking at him, staring of into the distance with impossibly wide eyes, his hands clawing at his chest and his mumbling still to fast to make out any words.
"Hey, hey dazai, come on, snap out of it. Damnit you're gonna faint if you keep this up" Chuuya waved his gloved hand in front of Dazais face, trying to get any kind of recognision. He didn't know how to comfort people, let alone deal with a panic attack, but what the hell was he supposed to do. He couldn't just leave.
Dazai was still shivering, the blood from his reopened wounds dripping down onto the floor.
Chuuya gently grabbed Dazais wrists, keeping him from scratching his chest open. When he pulled the hands away, he was met with angry scratches all over the mans chest, and underneath where atleast a dozen cigarette burns.
They where still fresh, probably only a few hours old.
"Oh Dazai what happened?" He mumbled, more to himself, knowing Dazai probably didn't even hear him.
He gently ran his fingers over the burns, keeping his touch feather light
"M sorry"
"What?" Chuuya asked, suprised by Dazai not only noticing his presence but actually speaking to him. And he said sorry. Dazai never said sorry.
He had stopped his frantic mumbling and his eyes where looked on Chuuyas face now, still his breathing was fast and paniced and the tears rolling down his face hadn't stopped.
"Sorry" he managed again, inbetween fast short breaths "I'm sorry" his voice grew a bit louder.
Suddenly Chuuya was pulled towards Dazai, the other man shoving his face into the crook of his neck, whispering 'sorry' over and over again.
Chuuya could feel the tears staining his shirt and the heat radiating off the younger one.
He probably had a fever, considering he was still shivering.
For a moment Chuuya stayed completely still, then slowly wrapped his arms around the others back, letting Dazai lean on him instead of his "desk".
He gently rubbed the others back, his other hand scratching his scalp in some attempt to calm him down a bit. It actually seemed to work.
He taller man basically melted at the touch, completely leaning into Chuuya.
He was still muttering 'sorry' over and over, but his breathing seemed to slow down.
Chuuya didn't say or do anything, he just continued scratching the others scalp and rocking them both back and forth.
Finally, after what seemed like hours, not that any of them minded, Dazai moved a little, freeing his face from the crook in Chuuyas neck and laying his head on the redheads shoulder.
Chuuya could feel Dazais breath ghosting over his neck, giving him goosebumps.
He didn't stop his rocking, just poked the other man to get some kind of reaction.
The brunette hummed in response, wich Chuuya considering a win. "What happened?" He asked after a moment of silence.
"Thought I was late for work" was the quiet answer.
In other circumstances, Chuuya would have probably laughed, but he saved that for another time.
"No, I mean..." he gestured around the room, taking his hand out of Dazai's hair for a moment. Dazai immediately whined at the loss of contact.
The smaller one finally looked down at his ex partner. He could only see half his face, but it was full of dried tears, his eyes closed, lip still quivering.
Usually Dazai avoided any form of psychical touch like death avoided him. Something was seriously wrong.
Maybe it was the fever and presumably alcohol making him delirious, maybe his mask had finally cracked. Whatever the case, Chuuya was happy to give him what he needed.
"I meant, what happened that it got so bad again?" he asked
"I know what you meant" came the quiet answer, a tired whisper
"Well, are you gonna tell me?"
There was no verbal answer, just Dazai shoving his face back into Chuuyas neck.
It seemed to become his favourite spot.
"I'm sorry" the brunette mumbled again
"Hey, Mackerel, it's okay, I came here because I wanted to" Chuuya reassured
He took one hand and pressed it to Dazais forehead, immediately convinced Dazai was way more than just hungover. He was burning up, sweaty and sticky, but still shivering.
"Dazai, I gotta get you to a doctor, you're burning up" he mumbled
Only a millisecond later he wished he never had the ability to speak.
Dazai practically jumped out of his arms, stumbling against his makeshift desk, in an effort to get away, eyes wide and full of panic, body trembling.
"You're giving me to Mori" he breathed, sounding so hurt, so broken that it basically broke Chuuyas heart in half.
"No Dazai, I'm sorry, not Mori, no doctors, you misunderstood" he hurried, but it was so late.
The damage was already done.
Dazai was now pressing himself against the wall, his breaths coming out faster then humanely possible, his eyes darting around the room like he saw something the other didn't.
He was muttering again, something about blood and eyes.
Chuuya didn't even want to know.
He reached out a hand, trying to calm Dazai, but it had the opposite effect.
Dazai screamed, loud, his voice cracking.
A scream Chuuya hoped to never hear again from anyone.
The scream didn't say scared to die. It said, scared to life with whatever happened to him. Like he would rather die than endure this, rather spend weeks of torture than life like this.
The scream was long gone from Dazais lips, but it lingered in the air, echoing in the redheads mind, poisoning the air around them.
Dazai was hyperventilating again, trying to escape something that wasn't there. He was begging now, begging for death, praying to whatever he saw to kill him.
And then just as Chuua predicted, Dazais body decided it was too much.
His muttering died down in an instant, his eyes rolling back and his knees giving out. He fell forward immediately, body completely limp.
In the last moment, Chuuya managed to catch him. Atleast halfway.
The taller mans head fell against his chest, his limbs tangled around him, the usual tension in his body gone.
Chuuya gently moved his body, laying Dazais head on his lap and rolling him on his side.
He hesitated for a moment before taking off a glove and running his fingers through Dazais hair. It was sweaty and probably hadn't seen a brush in the last few weeks, but Chuuya loved it nontheless.
Loved every little part about the stupid unconscious idiot on his lap.
They stayed like that for a while, with Dazais breathing finally steady and even, and not having a breakdown, Chuuya could finally think.
He didn't know what happened and maybe he didn't need to. He'd seen Dazai like this more times than he could count. Endless nights kneeling next to him, talking in a hushed voice to calm him down. He remembered every day Dazai would come into their office, a dead expression on his face and just collapse into Chuuya's arms. Sometimes he would cry, sob until he became hoarse and delirious. Sometimes we would stay completely still, like he wasn't there, just a shell of a body. It always happened after Mori and Dazais one on one meeting.
None of them would ever speak of it the next day though.
Chuuya always knew his Boss was far from kind. But he never found out what really happened between them. Maybe he just had to be there for Dazai.
He moved Dazai a bit, to get to his phone. The other one didn't react in the slightest, but the redhead could see and chest rising and falling with deep breaths. He checked the time.
5:37 AM
It was still nightime, but Dazai was trying to get to work. He was never on time, beeing early just wasn't an option. And this early?
Chuuya didn't get it. He'd just ask his stupid Mackerel when he was awake.
He scooped up Dazai, actually feeling happy the other couldn't put up a fight. The taller ones legs where wrapped around his waist, and beeing held up by Chuuyas hands, his chest pressed against the others back and his head rolling around on the smallers shoulder.
Chuuya stood up slowly and carefully, then quickly stuffed Dazais phone, a roll of bandages and his still damp coat into his bag and hurried out the container.
The first thing Dazai noticed when he woke up is how comfortable he felt. He was still hot and cold, shivering and sweating and his head was pounding, but the surface he lay on was soft and there was something cold and wet on his forehead.
He pushed himself into a sitting position, trying to recall anything that had happened. He couldn't. This was his Slugs livingroom, that was clear. Maybe he drank with Chuuya and passed out here? But why was he feeling so sick, way sicker than a normal hangover? Why wasn't Chuuya in his apartment? Why was there water next to the couch and a cold towel on his head?
Something didn't add up.
After wrecking his brain for another minute, Dazai decided he was too tired for this.
He got up and stumbled out of the living room, trying to find Chuuya. "Chibi" he called, only to find that his voice was nearly gone. He sounded really hoarse, like an old chain smoker. When he made it to the kitchen he immediately saw Chuuya at the table. He was lying on the dark wood, his head between his arms, only one closed eye peeking out from his bangs. He looked like he was sleeping.
Dazai silently approached, or tried to, stumbling against the wall and a chair with his uncoordinated legs. They didn't seem to be cooperating today. Dazai sat down next to Chuuya with a huff, his little walk took a lot more energy than it should have.
He eyed the other for a while, watching the way his back rise and fell with quiet snores. Half his Torso was drapped over the table and there was a plate of food next to him. He didn't quite finish it, Dazai noted.
Carefully he extended a hand, brushing Chuuya's bangs away from his face..'Chibi almost looks cute like that', he thought, before mentally slapping himself at the thought. Chuuya may be his dog but he didn't think dogs where cute.
They were nasty creatures with rotten teeth, bad breath and wild eyes. Their loyalty was definitely a sceme to hurt their owner.
Dazai didn't like dogs. Though he'd never admit it, certain dogs scared him.
He sighed, gently running his hand through Chuuya's hair. His dog was special. He always barred his teeth at him, but somehow still made him feel better. Dazai never liked that, thatswhy he resorted to annoying the hell out of Chuuya, deciding these feelings must be irritation. Chuuya stired when Dazais hand neared his ear. He really was a dog, Dazai thought, smiling to himself.
He scratched Chuuyas scalp next to his ear, giggling when the redhead subconsciously leaned into the touch.
He felt Chuuya move, his visible eye opening and staring at Dazai for a few seconds, looking dazed.
"What the fuck" was the first thing he said, his voice heavy with sleep. Dazai could feel fluttering in his stomach, hearing him. He wrote it off as another sign of irritation. "What are u doing?" Chuuya grumbled, lifting his head from the table. The wood had left a small imprint on his cheek. Dazai thought it looked funny.
"I'm just petting my dog, like any good owner" he grinned, moving his hand in Chuuyas hair again. The redheads eyes fluttered shut for a second, before opening appruptly and Dazais hand was swatted away.
Chuuya just frowned at that, looking him up and down. "So you feelin' better?"
Dazai just hummed in response, too distracted by the wood imprint on Chuuyas cheek. He leaned forward, tracing the curved lines with his index finger, ignoring
the way Chuuya froze at the touch.
"The fuck are yo-..ohhh" Chuuya mumbled, having brought up a hand to feel what Dazai was tracing. "Yeah I've been here for way to long. Anyways you feel like telling me what the fuck happened earlier?" He asked, deciding to ignore Dazais finger in his face for now.
The brunette just owlishly blinked at him. Chuuya didn't know? How was he supposed to know? His whole mind felt hazy and full of smoke, and he had the strong desire to cling to Chuuya. He wanted to vomit at that. Who would ever wanna be near that slug.
A gloved hand waved in front of his eyes, snapping him out of his thoughts.
"Hello, earth to Dazai?? Jeez dude, what's the matter with you?"
"You don't know what happened?"
"No, of course not" Chuuya scoffed. "Wait, you don't remember?"
Was he supposed to be remembering? Dazai didn't think so. He just shook his head, still staring at Chuuya.
"You called me crying and then had a panic attack because I mentioned....something... you didn't like. Your whole place was full of Alcohol and you had a really high fever. Also you somehow managed to get glass stuck in your wound so I had to remove that and bandage the rest. You passed out so I brought you here."
Dazai just stared at him throughout the explanation. Only now did the notice the new bandages on his arms. He also noticed the ones on his neck missing, the rope burn full on display.
He had called Chuuya? Crying? He was sick? That certainly explained why he was feeling like shit. But he couldn't remember anything. Maybe he hit his head? And why was Chuuya skipping a part. What "something" had made him freak out
"You fucked up my bandages" was the only thing he said after a moment.
"Hey, you better be grateful I even did anything! Also I don't know how the fuck you manage to do your bandages on your damn neck, okay! I tried!" Chuuya scoffed
Suddenly Dazai felt a hand on his forehead. His first instinct was to pull away, but the hand was so heavenly cool, soothing his headache.
"Your still burning up" Chuuya mumbled, more to himself.
He went to remove the hand but Dazai grabbed his wrist and put his hand back.
"Feels good" he murmured, eyes closing as he leaned into the hand.
Chuuya just stared at him, utterly shocked. Apparently he wasn't as lucid as he seemed
"You want a cooling patch or a wet towel?" He asked, voice cracking a bit
"Hmmmno" Dazai murmured "Chibis hand's better"
Chuuya was sure his heart stopped for a moment.
"You wanna go back to the couch?" He asked carefully
Dazai thought for a moment, remembering how comfortable it was. He shot up, grabbing Chuuya's hand and practically dragging him to the couch, even tho he stumbled a few times.
Chuuya sat down, starring up at Dazai who was still standing right before him, looking puzzled.
"You good mackerel?"
Dazai mumbled smth, turning his head away
"What?"
The brunette repeated himself, more clearly this time. "Can I have a hug?"
He sounded really embarrassed. Chuuya thought it was the cutest and most irritating thing he had ever seen.
He sighed, knowing Dazai probably won't remember anything when the fever went down away.
"Sure you can, mackerel"
Dazai thought it was the best thing he had heard for all his life.
He crawled onto the couch, wondering if he should make the first move when 2 strong arms pulled him him. He immediately melted into the touch, stuffing his face into Chuuyas neck. He heard the redhead chuckle, and felt it too, the sound vibrating in the others throat.
"Whats so funny slug?" He asked.
"Just that you keep hiding your face in my neck. Like a scared chicken"
Dazai gasped dramatically "I am not a chicken! Also what do you mean 'keep'?"
"Earlier...when you had a panick attack....you know..I didn't know what to do, and I thought- I mean it helps me when....I kind of just held you and you kept stuffing your face there"
Chuuya was stuttering. Chuuya never stuttered.
Dazai readjusted himself wrapping his arms around Chuuyas upper back, basically sitting in his lap.
"Why did I freak out anyways?" He asked
"Don't know, you were already a mess when I came. Didn't even notice me at first"
Fighting the urge to bite Chuuyas neck (he had a biting habit, especially with Chuuya) Dazai mumbled "No....you said you mentioned something"
"..."
"..."
"....it's nothing"
"NooooOoOOooo, tell meeee" Dazai immediatly whined. He really was a child when sick.
"You'll freak out" Chuuyas scoffed, leaning back into the couch.
"I promise I won't. Pinky promise" Dazai reassured, grabbing the others hand and feeling for his pinky. He grabbed it and wrapped his own finger around it.
"See, I promised" he declared proudly
Chuuya couldn't believe the overgrown child in his lap was the one that had tortured people to insanity and beyond.
"I-I mentioned Doctors and you just started freaking the fuck out. Said something about Mori too"
"Oh" was the only answer.
Better than freaking out atleast.
After a few minutes, Dazai went completely limp in his arms. Chuuya nudged the man draped over him with his hand"Oi, you still with me?"
The only answer he got this time was another warm breath against his neck
"Guess not"
Dazai didn't remember anything. Why he had a panic attack, when Chuuya came, when he collapsed. Nothing. But he didn't care for it at the moment. The only thing he cared about was how safe he felt, how warm Chuuya was and how good he smelled.
And how very sleepy he was getting suddenly.