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“I love you, Zayne.”
It had hit Caleb finally, just how deep his feelings for Zayne had always run. It almost felt laughable now…how long he’d pretended, how foolish he’d been thinking he could bury them. The truth had been there all along, rooted in the earliest days of his childhood. Maybe he should have known in those first times he had looked up to Zayne, no matter how silly those childhood moments were.
Growing up without parents had never been easy. The younger kids didn’t understand, not really.
He remembered one day, standing in the yard as a group of boys jeered at him and his sister. “I can’t believe you brought your grandma to parents day! Next time I’m going to bring my dog and call him my dad.” All the kids laughed along with the childish joke.
Caleb’s fist had clenched at his sides, his throat tight. He shouted back. “We don’t need parents! Our grandma loves us more than your parents ever could! Our grandma would never forget to pick us up from school every day and leave us stuck till they pick you up hours later.” He jabbed right into the kid's sore spot. His voice was sharp and defiant, but the kid's words always got to him no matter how much he yelled.
Zayne had noticed. He always noticed.
While the others laughed, Zayne’s eye lingered on the way Caleb’s knuckles turned white, the shimmer of tears threatening at the corner of his eyes. Zayne isn’t one to always come up to you with flowery words of comfort, but he had his own way. That day, he simply put a hand on Caleb’s shoulder and said, “Come on. Let’s go inside. I bet your grandma has ice cream.”
And she did…she always did. She welcomed them in with her warm smile, piling scoops into bowls as if ice cream could mend everything. Maybe in a way, it did.
When they stepped back outside, Zayne made sure to take a loud, dramatic bite, “I love going to your house, Caleb. Your grandma’s the best. This ice cream is so good.”The other kids would narrow their eyes with every bite they took with envy. Caleb's smile had brightened as he looked over as Zayne and his love for sweets.
Caleb thought back again, to when they were older…teenagers now, but some things never changed. By then Zayne was already in university, yet he still found time to come over, to sit like old time.
They had just finished a heated round of Mario Kart, Zayne had won again, the two were laughing and giggling like kids, controllers threatening to fly out of their hands. Caleb let out a sigh and sank into the sofa.
“Zayne, I don’t know what I’m doing,” he admitted, staring at the ceiling. “Everyone keeps asking where I’m going to apply, what I want to study, what career I want to go for. And I just.. I don’t know. You’re so smart, Zayne. You already know what you want and you’re passionate about it. I wish I could be like that. I wish I could be as sure of something as you are.”
Zayne didn’t say anything right away. That was his way, he would listen first, letting the silence sit as he processed his words and response. Finally, he leaned back, setting the controller on the coffee table.
“You know,” Zayne said, his tone light but steady, “there’s still plenty of things you can do that I never could.”
Caleb frowned, skeptical. “Like what? You are good at anything you try!
Zayne gave him a small smile. Caleb tried not to stare at his lips. “For one, I’d probably never go anywhere outside of school if it weren’t for you dragging me out all the time. You remind me to take a break, to live a little. And besides…” His gaze softened, the kind that always cut straight through to Caleb's heart. “You just haven’t found the thing for you yet. Nothing wrong with that. Maybe you could put your random knowledge of planes to the test.” He laughs softly.
Caleb had laughed it off back then, rolling his eyes, mumbling something about how Zayne always gets him to laugh. But even at that time deep down… The warmth of Zayne’s voice, the unshakable friendship between them.
Looking back now, Caleb wondered how he didn’t see it for what it really was. How many times had Zayne made him feel like he was more than enough? How many times had Caleb’s chest tightened at words like those, at the way Zayne looked at him as if he were capable of anything.?
Caleb’s chest ached as his thoughts drifted again to today…
The accident had taken more than just his arm. The doctors had given him a sleek, functional replacement, but no amount of steel could restore the part of himself he felt he’d lost. Rehab hadn’t taken long, but was still grueling, every small victory overshadowed by the constant reminder of what he had not longer had. Even once he was working again. Life felt like it had become a dull, jagged edge. He carried his anger like an anchor, staying shut in his room more often than not, convincing himself he was fine.
It had been one of those weekends, a day off when he did nothing but slump on the sofa, numbly watching whatever played on the tv. The silence in the apartment was too heavy otherwise.
Then came a knock.
Caleb blinked, startled, dragging himself up. When he opened the door, there stood Zayne…handsome as ever, dressed more casually than he has seen him in years, yet somehow put together. For a moment Caleb froze. He hadn’t seen him since before the accident. Zayne has been overseas, tied up with work with his parents, and Caleb….Caleb hadn’t told him. He had even tried to message him as if all was normal. He didn’t want to pull Zayne away, hadn’t wanted him to see him like this…broken.
Still, one look at Zayne’s face told him that he knew.
Caleb forced a smile, think and brittle, one that refused to reach his eyes no matter how hard he tried. “Hey. Been a while.” He braced himself, ready for scolding, for the sharp words he thought he deserved. Instead, Zayne simply said, “Get dressed. We’re going out.”
And Caleb did, almost without thinking.
The day blurred into something much brighter than before, something more than he could have imagined for himself. Zayne took him to the arcade where they’d spent countless hours as kids, where Zayne would often wing against Caleb’s best efforts. He dragged him to their favorite boba shop, where Zayne still ordered the sweetest drink possible, where Caleb often got to see Zayne’s biggest smiles. They ended up at the movies too, watching the film Caleb had wanted to see but couldn’t bring himself to.
By the time the sun set, Caleb was laughing again, the heaviness of the morning forgotten. The ache there but no longer holding him in a tight grip, as it started to be placed with the warmth that filled his chest.
Because Zayne was here. Because even with the changes in his life Zayne was here.
And as Caleb sat there beside him, he realized it. Maybe this had always been true, no matter how much he lost, as long as Zayne was there, he wasn’t broken.
“I love you, Zayne.” He says softly.
Zayne smiles at him. Light shines in his eyes. There is no surprise on his face. Caleb realizes maybe Zayne knew before him.
“I love you too, Caleb.”