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Iruka laid in bed crying in silence, sobs filling the small bedroom with sorrow feeling. It's been already ten months and his sadness didn't die down one bit, his heart consumed by endless void.
Hound left.
He will never come back.
There were only two options explaining his absence, he was either dead or left the Anbu and it was clear which one was more likely. It was close to impossible to leave the Anbu just like that, which meant his lover was killed in battle.
Yes, his lover, a lover whose face he had never seen.
Every time Hound visited, he put on a blindfold and enjoyed what he could. It didn't bother him, he was happy to be with him in the dark, every touch of Hound's palms on his skin leaving a warm spot on his body.
Sometimes he wanted to take off the cloth and look at Hound's maskless eyes. He could always feel the other's gaze piercing him, looking for something Iruka wanted to offer, but couldn't.
Real comfort and home.
He couldn't even mourn properly, out loud in the light of day, he could only do it away from everyone and everything, no one knew, no one could know, no matter how close they were to Iruka.
All that was left of Hound was a white porcelain piece of a mask, which Iruka now clutched tightly in his hands. A piece which his lover broke out of his hound-like painted mask during their last meeting.
'So you will remember me,' he said 'you know how riskly shinobi's life is, especially mine.' and never came back.
Iruka sometimes wondered if he knew, he would die soon, if he knew, he would have to leave.
The cries started to quiet down as the chuunin fall asleep from mental and physical exhaustion, his palm tightly wrapped around the white and now wet from his tears object attached to a black string that hung around his neck everyday, no matter where he went; the academy, ramen with Naruto or the bar near his apartment building with Anko.
Hound was always with him, close to his heart.
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The forest surrounded Iruka from all sides, dark and strangely quiet, no foxes running around or bats flying freely. Fear filled his whole body, someone was watching him, he could sense a presence behind him, hiding in the trees.
He wanted to turn around and look enemy in the eyes, but he couldn't move, not even one inch. His head stuck in one place, only his eyes scanning the area.
His gaze shifted to the bushes right in front of him. The ninja who was behind him earlier now landed in those very bushes, hiding in the leaves like a wild animal.
Something was wrong, this unknown person could attack and kill him easily, but he was hidding.
Why?
Why was he just staring at him?
The stare made him shiver so much, he wanted to beg for death. Maybe he could even meet Hound in the after life and finally have his happy ever after.
The sudden loud and long movement broke him out of his thoughts. Someone was crawling out, definitely injured.
An Anbu.
He stilled, grey tall hair, porcelain mask cracked on left side and a red tattoo on the arm.
'Hound!' he wanted to scream his lungs out to get his attetion and run to the man's side, but he was still stuck in one place. He was helpless as he watch the Anbu barely move, trying to escape, blood flowing from every part of his body. A knife wounds in both legs, shuriken and kunai right next the heart and katana in the stomach. The chuunin recognized them all at once, thanks to the countless times Hound came to his apartment because he didn't want to go to the hospital.
Iruka set into panic, he couldn't help, he was useless. As always.
Then something hit Hound's head, right in the face and the mask shattered into pieces. Iruka promiesed he wouldn't even try to look, but his eyes wouldn't shut, they stayed open almost like someone kept them that way by force.
When every segment of porcelain fell to the ground and the new face showed up everything was in slow motion.
Except there was no face, Iruka's eyes widened as he stared at the place where a face should be, but what he saw were just bugs and snakes as if already eating the living being still crawling to him. The skin no longer recognizable, bones peaking out on something that was once a nose.
Iruka wanted to vomit at the sight, disgusting fluids already pooling and filling his throat, but he couldn't open his mouth to puke it out nor look away. He couldn't even cry, even though it was the only thing he wanted to do right now.
That thing was getting closer as he watched closely. The bloody hand wandered to touch his ankle, a cold finger made contact with his exposed skin sending shivers around it.
He wanted to scream and this time he could. A long, but not muffled like ealier sound escaped his lips and a loud cry echoed throughout the entire apartment.
Sweat began to run down his face and neck, his eyes widened and his heart beating faster than ever. The sun was already up.
His hand quickly began to search for the string with white piece of the mask, holding it firmly against his chest. His gaze fixated on wall in front of his bed, everything was dancing around him, nothing stayed still.
Iruka quickly got up and ran to the bathroom as fast as his legs allowed. Every wall and object were whirling. He opened the door so hard that the walls shook.
A moment later he was kneeling, holding his hair out of his face, so they wouldn't gry dirty with puke. With vomiting came more tears mixing together in toilet water.
All the sobbing started to make his vision blury and after no more than a minute later Iruka's head collapsed on the floor with loud strike and his eyes closed slowly as he lose consciousness.
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The first thing Iruka saw when his eyes started to open was white ciling and turned on lights making him squint slightly as he turned to lie on his left side.
"Ru!" Someone almost yelled right in front of him and he immediately knew who it was. Anko.
"A-Anko?" Iruka whispered softly opening his eyes fully. His best friend was sitting in a hospital chair, her purple hair in usual ponytail, but some strands in her face, messy. She was in her normal everyday clothes. The only thing that wasn't quite right was her face. Her lips were trembling nervously, and her eyes seemed red from... crying? Why would she be crying in his hospital room?
"What happended..?" he started carefully "Are you okay?"
"I'm not the one on hospital bed! You scared me so much, you idiot!" Her eyes started to get glossy as she caught Iruka into a tight embrace. After a moment he returned the touch gently sliding his arms around her. They stayed like that for good five minutes. "How are you feeling?"
"Still a little dizzy.." Iruka answered honestly.
"You collapsed on your bathroom floor.." she started after they broke apart "The doctor said you had a high fever, most likely started in the evening and increased a lot at night. When I found you were delirious, almost screaming about someone you couldn't find a name for." Of course, Iruka had so deeply implanted the idea of his secret and its protection that even in his high fever and delirium he did not reveal the name that tormented him every night. It was almost admirable.
"How long was I out?" He straighted a little trying to look Anko in the eyes.
"About four days, but you were just not really aware of what you were saying is all," she said and Iruka's eyes widened visibly. "Some people came to see you, but most visits didn't end well."
"What? What did I do?" Anko giggled under her breath before starting.
"Well let's start with first day.. Asuma came"
"Of course he did..." Iruka sighed "I'm assuming that was the worst day."
"Yeah something like that" she laughed openly now. Seeing that her best friend was thinking logicly meant he was finally getting better and she couldn't be more happy. "He brought you bouquet of buttercups and all that. You started yelling at him for bringing you flowers meant for children and that you are an adult and all that blah blah. I was here all the time and saw that, I told him you were out of your mind that day and needed rest. I think he told everyone or something cause no one visited after..."
"Gods, that's so embarrassing..." Iruka hid his face in his palm.
"Nah, it's okay I think he understood." Anko waved her hand in reassuring gesture. "Secound day was kinda weird..." Her tone changed slightly. "In short; Hatake came, you started crying like ugly crying and mumble something about snakes, bugs oh and your ankle! That was kinda creepy."
Iruka's heart sunk, it was clear he saw Hound in Kakashi, the same grey hair and hidden eye. It made sense at the time proplly, but now... He didn't know what to think. If Hound was actually alive and left the Anbu, he could be Kakashi, but then four days ago he was certain his lover was dead and his body lost on the battle field.
He flinched, wanting to check if his necklace was still there, but he couldn't, not with Anko in the room. When he felt the procelian against his body, sudden hope in his entire body and nodded for Anko to go on.
"Third day was the most crowded to be honest and you were a lot calmer for a moment and slept through most visits, then you blow up at Genma for no reason, that's what he said at least. I went home to shower that day, my hair was getting stinky.." the realization hit Iruka, Anko has been here all the time, by his side.
They had known each other for a long time, after losing their close ones, they found family in each other.
"You are really the best big sister I could have ever asked for." He said in soft voice and Anko's face visibly brightened, because of the high praise.
"Have to take care of my little brother!" She repiled pinching his cheek lightly, she still remember when Iruka accidentally called her sister for the first time like it was yesterday. After that day they've sworn to protect each other and take care of one another at anytime. "Listen Ru.. I didn't want to ask, but the person you screamed about when you were delirious... You are ill, because of them, right? You can tell me if someone is troubling or.. hurting you, you know that, right?" Her tired eyes now studying Iruka's face.
His mouth opened and closed again, thinking. He shouldn't. He really shouldn't, but he wanted to get it out of his head, off his chest. He started chewing his lip nervously.
"Do you have any paper and pen?" His eyes unfocused, they were alone in the hospital room.
"I think there are some in here wait a sec" Anko opened the drawer next to her, searching for a minute.
When she handed him the supplies, he started to work on silencing seal so no one could hear their conversation through the thin walls.
"About two years ago.." he started when the seal was placed and tested. "I- I met an Anbu, he landed in my apartment after a mentally demanding mission, quite by accident, flying in through the window." A nervous chuckle followed the words "Something stirred inside me, and my heart began to beat louder. A while ago, ten to be exact, he gave me this."
His hand went under his hospital shirt and he pulled out the procelian white piece showing it to his sister. Her eyes widened at the view.
"He... He cracked his mask.." she murmured in disbelief.
"Yes..., and it was our last meeting. I thought he had died, I mean it was the only way! I-.. I spent all these months mourning, after all not many people leave the Anbu. That night you found me, I had a... rather disgusting dream, the death of Hound, my Anbu..." His voice broke and his eyes water, Anko gulped.
"Iruka..." Anko's palm squeezed his hand "I know you probably think it will be hard to share. I can't promise you it will be easy, because it's almost never like that, but please.." she gripped a little bit harder in reassurance "you will definitely feel better if you say everything, you know I speak from experience, Ru."
He nodded his gaze fell on their clasped hands. "I- I was in a forest at night, I couldn't move, not even an inch,... Then someone shifted in the bushes in front of me, slowly, his eyes fixited on me. Then h-he started to crawl out, wounds everywhere!" His tone raised and the whole body shaking. "Something hit him and his mask,... I-it fell apart, I promised I wouldn't look, but my eyes were like... glued to him. I was scared I was going to see his face, but it wasn't there." He squashed Anko's hand tightly.
"There were snakes and bugs already eating him..." He felt vomit rising in his throat. "I couldn't recognize anything, I even saw a piece of bone where his nose would be... It was horrifying I wanted to puke, but my mouth wouldn't open, I couldn't even cry!" His face started turning into mix of green and red, thanks gods Anko noticed. Her hand went to grab the small hospital bowl and put it in front of Iruka in light speed and he throw up not destroying the bedding.
When disgusting liquids were out of his sight and Anko cleaned his mouth he continued, he couldn't stop now. "He finally was close enough and grabbed my ankle, I woke up screaming, everything was so loud! and moving almost d-dancing.." his voice gave out again this time more audible and he broke down sobbing uncontrollably. Anko's face showed concern and worry before she pulled Iruka into warm, comeforting embrace. Her shoulder getting wet from the tears that slowly died down as he fell asleep against her, not given a chance to tell her about his Hound-Kakashi theory. Luckily for him, this idea was already forming in Anko's mind.
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Naruto and Kakashi were sitting outside the hospital room and jumped when they heard the door close. Anko stood right in front of them, nurses running behind her.
"Is there a reason you are here, Kakashi?" She asked straightforward, a habit she adopted after Iruka. 'It just tells me what I want to know fast' he used to tell her.
"I'm waiting with Naruto?" Kakashi answered rather confused, Anko gave him a 'yeah I will act like I believe you' look and turned to Naruto.
"Ru is sleeping again, he got up for a while," she didn't miss how Hatake's eyes light up with something similar to hope he tried to hide so badly. "Talked to me about what happened and all that."
"Well what happended?!" Naruto sat up even straigher if it was even possible, very visible worry written all over his face.
"He remembered something traumatic that happended about ten months ago, dreamt about it you know..." Her gaze studied Kakashi who tried his best to look natural, but failed completely like always when it came to Iruka. "It made him delirious, but he is thinking more clearly now, which means he will get better soon."
Her stare shifted again to look at Naruto, his expressions brightened up after the words 'get better'.
"You can go in, if you want" she smiled at the genin when he practically sprinted into the room. "You can too, you know, I'm sure he will be glad to see you care as well.."
"Yeah right, the last time he saw me he started sobbing. I will just wait here." He said sitting more comefortable in the small chair.
"Sure... Good bye"
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When Naruto entered the room he could hear heavy but calm breathing. "Iruka-sensei..?" He tried suddenly nervous as he got closer to see the teacher's face. It clearly showed exhaustion and the genin's heart ached at the sight as he sat down on the chair Anko was. His sensitive nose caught a strange smell he couldn't quite recall in the air, the smell was really unpleasant forcing him to make his visit short. He wanted to stay by Iruka's side until he woke up, but Anko said he had just fallen asleep, he would have to wait for hours and training was tomorrow.
Naruto wanted to be here and he would be here all the time if Anko and Kakashi didn't talked him out of it. 'Iruka would have told you to go training' or 'you need to be stronger if you want to protect him so much, go train'. They almost dragged him out once when he didn't want to listen.
His eyes were staring at the floor helplessly when the bed shifted and his head shot up in less than a second. Iruka awoke.
"Naruto...?" His voice weak and somewhat confused and Naruto's words died in his throat like never before, he had to say something, but what? He never had a family to care for so how do you comfort someone close to you? "How is your training going?" Iruka asked his head still resting on the white pillow.
"G-good!" He let the word fall out on its own. Do he tell him more? He heard Iruka was more angry than normal from people who found him awake.
"Tell me more?" The chuunin's gaze softend and a genuine smile followed the action. Naruto lightend up and started his usual excited chattering as Iruka's mind relaxed listening to the boy's eager and happy voice. A proud feeling warming him as he nodded through the story. What would he do without him?
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He had to spent the next week in the hospital room, sleep became a rare activitie since he spent most nights just thinking about Hound or Kakashi. He still tried to place the theory in his mind, thinking of ways to find something that led the truth.
In those seven days he had seen a lot of Anko and Naruto, even Asuma who he apologised to about yelling right away, but no copy-nin in sight. He definitely didn't know Iruka was getting on to something.
In his bed he made a plan; next day after leaving the hospital he will go visit the archives in the hokage tower. The file he wants to look for will be under a strong seal, but that won't be a problem he created that very seal after all. Quick look, the only thing he needed was Kakashi's Anbu name, it technically won't be a break in, he has clearance to look in every document in the hokage tower.
Now he was ending his mission desk shift, no one asked about his absence and he was glad. Explaining he got in the hospital, because of a nightmare where he saw his lover getting eaten by bugs alive was... definitely something. Only thinking about that made him want to vomit.
The whole day was slow, he was certain everyone knew he just got out of the hospital. No very messy, unreadable reports and his line, that was usually long, this time was maybe three ninjas at once.
"I'm just going to place those in the archives and I'm going home!" He yelled when he left the room.
"Bye, Iruka!" was heard and the door shut close. The walk was short and clam, surprisingly no one in the hallway he walked through in two minutes.
When he was right in front of the door his hands didn't shake like always. His body oddly relaxed and breathing steady, this calmness was more than weird. He expected his heart beating fast and sweat pouring down his body from the stress. Instead, he calmly opened the door and began placing all the scrolls on the shelves in the correct order.
When last report was placed he was left next to the Anbu documents in the farthest and the darkest corner of the room, little wooden rack placed here to tempte everyone. Of course, not all the documents were there, but only those showing the identities behind the masks and few missions.
When the smell of the specific wood touched him, his whole body was suddenly filled with uncertainty and worry like it'd been building up and exploded. Should he really do this? Finding out Kakashi's Anbu name felt like a crime, but then again if he ignored it, the whole panic and delirious fever would come back. Well it wasn't exactly doctor's words, but he felt in his guts that this kinda of thing would happened again.
When his hands started to rise to look for the letter 'H' he noticed they were shaking, not just trembling slightly, full on shaking, but there was no take backs now, he already crossed the seal and without a thought the file was in his palm, like in a dream. His thumb running over the name as he read 'Hatake Kakashi'.
He needed to see only the first page, only one word and he could just go home and lie in bed high on painkillers, because every muscle ached like crazy.
The page turned like on it's own, every movement of his body automatic, almost like on autopilot. It read;
'Hound'
Hound.
His... lover, which is the reason he has been living in mourn for the last 10 months, 313 days, over 7500 hours. In day light his smile becoming more forced and in night's dark his dreams always turned into nightmares.
The world around him stopped and so did his hands, the paper fell down to his feet with a loud bump, but he didn't try to get it up, his eyes fixated on still shaking, now empty hands. The heavy, silent tears falling on his shaky fingers and the floor under, his face not moving even a little. The salty water was escaping on it's own, his eyes still widened.
A kunai next to his throat woke him up, his arms more stady in less then a second, but they remained in the same place.
"Iruka?" A deep voice he knew spoke behind him as the weapon was put down for him to turn around. "What are you doing h-?"
Iruka slapped Kakashi in the face flat, an echo running through the archives. The copy nin was so confused to find the teacher in here, he didn't have time to react, which seemed rather ridiculous.
When he felt someone crossing over the seal on his documents, which he was connected to he was in shock. He decided to flicker fast to catch the traitor himself, then he found Iruka, a thought crossed his mind; maybe he knew. But it was impossible, he has been hiding well, no matter how much he wanted to kiss or just hug Iruka he stopped himself.
With time it became harder and harder and Kakashi became more desperate, without thinking he showed up at the hospital, one can say Iruka's illness was his breaking point on this matter. The ugly sobbing that filled the room that day made his blood run cold. Bugs and snakes? The chuunin was clearly still unwell at the time.
Iruka grabbed him by the green uniform pushing forward. He forgot Kakashi had a connection to the document, even though he made it happen. His face flashed with anger and filled with tears. "Y-You..! You dick!" Kakashi's head hit the wall, but the other man grip didn't loosen.
Kakashi stared stunned.
"I thought you died! I've mourned you for over ten months, cried every night after you left and you show up like nothing happened?!" His voice started to break and the jounin eyes' expression changed from confused to soft and understanding. He knew he fucked up.
"I kissed the piece of your mask everyday," his hand started searching under his uniform fast, almost like crazy. He took out a piece of the mask and waved it in front of copy-nin's nose. "Murmuring praies for you to be better in the afterlife. I even ended up in the hospital because of you! A-and you.. y-you..." The sound coming from his mouth turned into a mumble as he pressed his face against Kakashi's neck sobbing uncontrollably.
The copy nin was glad Iruka still kept the piece of procelian close and didn't leave it somewhere to forget.
The other words hit him only after a few moments; that's why Iruka cried when he saw him in the hospital room, the fever and the delirious state was... Because of Kakashi himself, the Anbu who swore to protect his lover at all cost hurt the man while trying to save him. It seemed to be a pattern from his past growing into his present life again.
"I- I'm sorry.." he murmured planting his masked lips on top of Iruka's still shaking head and wrapping his arms around the other man. "I'm sorry.." he started to repeat mindlessly between every kiss like a pitiful prayer. The feeling of guilt was overwhelmed by relief at having found something he thought was long lost, a feeling of safeness he felt everytime Iruka was in his arms, the strange warmth he didn't feel, since he was a child, like home.
Suddenly the chuunin's head shot up and connected their lips in soft kiss even if it meant kissing through the mask, he didn't care about anything at that moment. His Hound was back, after almost a year apart both of them understood they were destinied to each other. They knew it before and the very thought of it terrified them, but now they accepted it with joy. It was even strange. Perhaps they were both finally ready and mature enough for the future and inevitable fate that awaited them.
When they broke apart after the short kiss, their noses were still close, touching as they stared into each other eyes. This brief but intense moment seemed eternal, at least the pair wanted it to be.
Kakashi didn't have a problem looking in those dark brown eyes forever.
A strange feeling suddenly enveloped Iruka, his entire body losing its strength and balance. He struggled against it for a moment, but after not so long, his eyes began to slowly narrow, darkness taking the place of Kakashi's eye, which was staring at him with concern.
The last thing he heard was his lover's voice "Iruka? Iruka?! Gods, are you still ill?" Then only shuffling was heard and without a warning he was picked up from the ground as he collapsed fully.
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Kakashi held Iruka tightly in his arms the entire way, his body shaking slightly. He didn't know if his lover's loss of consciousness was caused by a relapse of the fever or perhaps the stress of the situation he was put in. He knew absolutely nothing, which sent him into a kind of panic he'd never felt before.
He considered going to the hospital, it was the most normal option, but he didn't. Instead, he chose to run back to his apartment. Selfish act really, like every act he made that concerned Iruka. First at the hospital and now.
When he left Iruka ten months ago, he thought he wasn't being selfish in his decision to leave. It was supposed to give him more security; not knowing the Anbu's identities always provided security. But even then, he was selfish. He was afraid of meeting his beloved without the white mask, afraid of Iruka's reaction, he was running from himself all this time.
He should have known better. Iruka's true image was overshadowed by the fear of losing another person close to him.
He entered his bedroom without a sound and gently set the other man down to lie comfortable. Iruka's skin was hot, but not burning, thanks gods.
Kakashi quickly got up and left to proper everything.
He came back not long after with a small bowl full of water and with a soaked towel, knelt next to the bed and applied the compress to Iruka's forehead. He didn't know exactly what he should do, he was left alone at a young age, he managed somehow, but he'd never taken care of someone.
He sat on his heels still next to Iruka and connected their palms. His cold, the other warm, but both scarred; Iruka's from catching pre-genin's shurikens, Kakashi's from killing and not looking back.
Both so diffrent, yet almost the same.
He brough his head down to their hands, like he was bowing before some kind of deity.
At that moment and in recent years as well his reason for living was him, so he deserved this silent worship more than anyone in Kakashi's life.
Lost in his thoughts Kakashi didn't know how long he stayed in such a position, he should has surly changed the compress by now. A soft, almost imperceptible shift against the matterss woke him and his head shot up.
Slightly open eyes were staring at him, a soft and sweet gaze scanning him carefully.
They locked stares as Iruka's eyes started to open fully, their hands clasping harder in loving gesture.
Iruka started to get up and a wet towel fell on his lap and Kakashi got up from his sitting position to settle next to the chuunin and put the compress off of the blanket covering Iruka's legs.
"Lie dow-" he didn't get to finish, because of a familliar hand touching his masked cheek he slapped before. Iruka's face now decorated by the most adorable smile Kakashi had ever seen.
"I'm sorry, I-.." Iruka started as his grin died down slowly "I was so mad.., but you didn't have a choice, did you?"
"Iruka, I r-"
"Please don't,.. I'm glad to have you by my side again, dear.." His voice thick and sweet like honey getting quieter as his hand tugged copy-nin's mask down only by one centimeter. "May I?"
Kakashi nodded slowly, his gaze not leaving his lover's face. Tracing every feature with his gaze from forehead to tip of his chin and with no time his mask was gone, exposing a stupidly wide grin.
Their lips connected in slow kiss. They kissed countless times before when Kakashi was still in his Hound disguise, but this felt diffrent, more affectioned than ever.
The hand on Kakashi's cheek shifted to his neck pulling him closer to Iruka's warmth which he didn't complain about.
This closeness awoken something in him; even greater feelings than he had felt with Iruka before, though he thought it was impossible. Something warm wrapped around Iruka's chest as well, he felt exactly the same as Kakashi.
"Don't you dare ever leave again." The chuunin murmured into the jounin's breath when they partted. Copy-nin chuckled softly and his thumb run over Iruka's skin right under his eye.
"I would rather die."
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After a while, they were both lying tangled in each other, their green uniforms gone, like two pieces of puzzles fitting perfectly together under the blanket, both finally calm after the last ten months away from each other.
Kakashi's arms around Iruka and his nose close to his lover's chest. Something from under Iruka's shirt was touching his face.
It took him a moment to realize it was porcelain he gave Iruka that night, not just a piece of Hound's mask, but a piece of Kakashi himself that his lover always had right next to his still loving heart.