Work Text:
Sunbeams peek into the room through the window, which was forgotten to be curtained. They fall directly onto the bed where a figure sleeps restlessly. They were doing their best to wake him, though he wasn't having it. The man makes a muffled sound and throws his straw hat over his eyes. With a roll to the other side, the hat tumbled to the floor. Guess he has no choice but to get up. Thomas sits up and stretches. Muscles aching, but it's manageable now. Back then, it used to feel like someone was hacking at him with dull scissors. Painful and agonizing. Only one thing made it stop. ….. The brown-haired man shook his head, clearing his thoughts. No time to think about that. Time to get up and start a new day! ^_^
Glancing down, he saw he'd slept in his clothes. Yesterday he'd been too exhausted to change and face-planted onto the bed as he was. He tugged the curtains shut, his eyes catching on a red flower. A sticky note stuck to the pot read 'Mr Wallot'. Honestly, Thomas missed the chats they had. Grabbing his hat, he went to the calendar. Last therapy session, they discussed plans for the coming week. They wrote them down on sticky notes, and later Thomas randomly stuck them to the calendar pages. In this case, his bad memory is a plus since he forgot exactly what he wrote and for what day. Intriguing! Time to tear off yesterday's sheet and see what's on the agenda! ^_^
Today is the day^w^
Thomas couldn't remember ever craving his medication as much as he did at this moment.
For a few seconds, a man stared at the date as if he could make it vanish or change. His head hammered like someone had taken a swing at him. His fists tightened, crushing the ripped page, and his heart pounded faster and more painfully rhythm. That tiny bit of joy he had vanished. Gone.
Without thinking, a man threw crumpled paper at the wall with all his strength. It wouldn't solve anything, but it blunted the edge of the bad feelings. His hands began to itch, and his muscles responded with a sharper ache than before. No, he couldn't give in! This day was going to be rougher than yesterday, but he'd get through it. He would. Now, what was on the list for today? Backyard work. Sounds good.
With this thought, Thomas went down to the kitchen. Yesterday’s pancakes were on the table. Yesterday's, were they? Honestly, a brown-haired man couldn't remember how long they'd been there. Either way, he was hungry, so he shoved the plate of pancakes into the microwave. They tasted bland, like ash in his mouth. Thomas didn't want to eat them, didn't want to eat anything at all. Every dish was dry and tasteless. He just ate to kill the hunger. After finishing,he washed a painkiller down with water. A nasty aftertaste spread across his tongue and throughout his mouth. Bitter. These new pills were so bitter. And he hadn't even taken his antidepressant for the day yet. His old "pills" was way better. It's so unfair.. If he could only take that one again. There it was again, that thought. What the hell were you even thinking? How could you even want that, knowing the consequences that would follow?! Thomas wanted to slap himself, rip out a clump of hair or maybe scratch his face. Maybe then his stupid brain would understand how terrible, how disgusting, that desire was. Who knows, maybe he even did some of that, or maybe he didn't. But his train of thought derailed when he felt a touch to his leg. Thomas looked down under the table.
T- Skittles! Good morning, little one! ^_^ - Thomas cooed. The calico kitten was snuggled under the table, rubbing against his leg. Skittles meowed in response and rolled onto its belly, clearly enjoying the attention. Thomas completely forgot his bad thoughts. He stroked the pet's fluffy, snow-white belly.
He found this kitten wandering the street when he was hanging out with FlameGuy. Thomas felt a pang of sympathy for the little thing. Besides, he'd always wanted a cat. FlameGuy offered to look after it at his house until Thomas was fully recovered, concerned that his friend might struggle to care for a pet. Thomas objected, saying that he was already doing much better than before. He didn't regret bringing that cat home for a second. This small, soft ball of fluff brightened every day with its purrs and meows. The man did everything he could to ensure the pet lived in comfort and cosiness. At times it was hard. Sometimes Thomas was too weak to get out of bed, but he still tried his best. In such moments, he asked one of his friends for help. (They'd been visiting more often since he got out of the hospital.)
A man caught himself staring at his pet, who was eating the freshly served food from its bowl. Work was calling. Heading to the back door, Thomas double-checked the food and water bowls one last time, making sure they were full.
T- "I'm off out, Skittles! You're the boss, be good!" ^_^
Stepping out, he scanned his garden, pondering what to do first. It was a small space, a makeshift wooden fence surrounding a few rows of plants facing each other. It wasn't much, around six rows, but it was manageable. Thomas felt a surge of pride despite the pang of disappointment. He used to grow so much more. He told himself that he'd get back to that level eventually.
Today’s job wasn’t hard, just tedious. Weeding and clearing out unwanted grass from the rows. Thomas put on his gloves and crouched down at the first row. He gave a small smile, spotting the tiny shoots that would become his vegetables. There they are, little shoots of future goodness. The sun was beating down, warming his skin and even burning it slightly. Lucky Thomas had a hat, otherwise he'd be risking sunstroke.
After working for a while, the man retreated into the shade, trying to get away from the mercilessly scorching sun. He sat on a bench and started fanning himself with his hand, creating a short, pleasant breeze. A brown-haired man yawned widely. He hadn't slept well today. Those three hours barely counted as sleep. He'd tossed and turned in bed most of the night, unable to fall asleep. He dreamt about something vague, barely memorable. Why had everything suddenly become so dim? Why was his whole body so drained? Everything had been so vivid when he- His thought didn't even finish when his hands started itching again, and his muscles painfully tensed like taut strings. No, this isn't true! That was a horrible time in his life! Surely not the worst, though. After all, the most terrible thing had been when– Inside his head, something began to hum. It was like a muffled scream from a multitude of voices. They begged him not to remember. They pleaded with him not to think. But how could he stop the tsunami of thoughts destroying everything? Today's date wasn't helping. Thomas shook his head, trying to clear his mind. Why couldn't he sleep for 24 hours straight? Why couldn't he fast forward through this day? He bit his lip. He wanted to run away. Why had everything turned out like this? What are you running from, Thomas? Can't you see what's best? Take the "medicine". It's your only escape. That guilt's eating you alive. You can't beat it. You don't deserve peace. You know what you deserve? To rot at the bottom where you belong. Just do it, take the "medicine". You must have a stash somewhere, right? Soren would never forgive you. What you did to FlameGuy's kid..irreparable. And you think you deserve forgiveness? You're awful, a complete waste of space.
Thomas could barely breathe. He tugged at his hair and scratched at his arms, fighting to stay grounded. A metallic taste filled his mouth. His muscles were screaming, every fiber burning with pain. His teeth ached. His heart hammered against his ribs, threatening to break free. He was ready to bolt at any moment, but he had to hold on. He couldn't let his thoughts win. He had to be strong. For Soren's sake. For the sake of those who cared about him. For his own sake.
?: "-kay?" - he heard a familiar voice nearby. He focused, trying to make out the words. The voice repeated, louder now, "Mr Thomas, are you okay?!"
T: “Huh?" Thomas mumbled, turning to see FlameGuy Jr. looking worried. He suddenly realised he'd been chewing his dog tags. How’d that happen? He spat them out and smiled warmly.
T: ”Oh, hey there, kid! I'm alright! No worries! ^_^"
F: "Are you sure? You were rocking back and forth and clutching your head. You looked scared.”
T: "I'm just a little tired. Don't worry about it, kid. I'm good! ^_^" Thomas replied, but he wasn't sure how much he'd reassured the boy, who still looked doubtful. Thomas didn't want him to worry. The thoughts were still swirling chaotically in his mind. The man tried to focus on the child, to ground himself. He noticed a large scar on a child's face, and his heart clenched with guilt. He had apologised countless times, but the guilt lingered.
F: ”Do you want some gum?”
T: ”Sure! Why not!” -Thomas said, smiling. He rose from the bench and approached the fence as FlameGuy Jr. rummaged through his pockets. A boy put a piece of gum in Thomas's hand, and he popped it into his mouth.
It tasted good. Like cool mint, maybe with something else mixed in. Watermelon, or maybe some kind of berry. The taste faded, and he focused on chewing. Chewing, chewing, chewing. For some reason, it was clearing his head and calming him down a bit. Maybe it reminded him of old medicine. The taste was gone, but he kept chewing. Could he use it to block out bad thoughts
F: ”How is it?”
T: ”It's really good, thanks! It's helped with my tiredness, hehe ^_^”
F: ”Want some more?”
T: ”YES!” - A kid jumped a little, and Thomas was surprised by how loud he'd said that. - Sorry..Could I have a few more?
F: ”Sure. I can give you the whole pack. I didn't really like this flavor anyway.” - A kid mumbled, and handed a man the rest of the gum.
Thomas spent the rest of the day in the garden, and didn't come back until it was nearly dark. A man went straight up to his room. He’d been avoiding "it" as long as possible, but today's the day. He got that dark brown scarf from the wardrobe top shelf, put it on the table. A painful ache gripped his heart. A man popped in more gum, rubbed his hands together, trying to stop them from trembling.
T: “Hello Soren. It's your anniversary again today. Time flies, doesn't it?”
S: “Hello Thomas! Glad to hear from you! How's it going?^w^”
T: “...bad. It's very hard living every day alone with these thoughts. All this guilt and pain. Sometimes I think it would've been better if I hadn't been saved…”
S: “Don't say that, Thomas! D: I'm happy you were!”
T: “I'm almost six months clean. It's tough. Every day I think about relapsing, but I'm trying to stay strong. It's not the right way to deal with things, after all.”
S: “You're doing amazing! You managed to quit the pills, that's fantastic! Don't give up! You are strong! I'm so proud of you, Thomas! ^w^”
T: “...I'm so tired." - He rested his head on the table, burying his face in the scarf. It's got a nice, soft feel to it.
S: “It's okay to not be okay. Remember, things will get better, you gotta hold on. And until then, I'll be here for you. And after that too. I'll be watching over you, Thomas. You're not alone. Me and your friends, we all believe in you. You can do this. You made a mistake,but you're doing everything you can to fix it, to become better. Everything will definitely get better. You deserve a good ending. ^w^”