Chapter Text
“Damn it!” Lexa bites out as she throws her phone on her bed.
It’s been two weeks since she started Arcadia boarding school, and she’s been having a hard time adjusting. She’s never been away from her family for more than a few days before, but now she’s over 3,000 miles away from home at shitty new boarding school with crap cell service.
Well, to be honest, her new boarding school isn’t shitty. It’s one of the most prestigious boarding schools in the country, and she received a full scholarship. She knows she should be grateful for the opportunity to attend such a great school, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t miss home.
“You ok?”
Lexa almost forgot her roommate was in the room. Clarke closes the book she was reading and sits down next to Lexa on the bed.
“Yeah. Just annoyed with my crappy cell service," Lexa replies with a pout on her face. "I really wanted to talk to my sister tonight.”
“I hear they’re building new cell towers in the area, so hopefully that won’t be a problem anymore"
Lexa just nods glumly in reply.
“Can we turn off the light soon? It's just... We have our first chapter test in Biology tomorrow and...”
“Of course! I’m sorry for keeping you up.” Lexa interrupts before Clarke can finish her sentence.
“Don’t worry about it,” Clarke replies as she turns off the light before slipping underneath the covers of her bed.
Lexa stares up at the ceiling of her now pitch dark room. She sighs deeply and closes her eyes, trying to quell the ache of loneliness and longing she feels. She continues to shift and turn, desperately wanting to just fall asleep. There’s a rustling sound coming from Clarke’s bed. ‘I must be keeping her up with my fidgeting,’ Lexa thinks, but before she can voice an apology she feels her bed shift as Clarke lays down next to her.
“Clarke… umm... What are you doing?”
“Shhhhhh. Just relax and go to sleep.” Clarke replies as gently gasps Lexa’s hand, weaving her fingers between Lexa’s.
Lexa can feel her heart racing, and her body stiffens. Even though she can barely see in the dark, she knows that Clarke’s face can’t be more than a foot away from hers.
“I’m sorry. Do you want me to leave? I thought this might help you.” Clarke apologizes once she realizes how stiff her roommate has become. “After my dad died, my mom and I used to sleep like this. Sorry, I should have asked you first before I just ambushed you.” Clarke adds as she starts to get up.
“No! wait.” Lexa grabs Clarke’s retreating hand. “You can stay. It was helping.” Lexa says quietly. “Thank you.” Lexa is grateful that the darkness of the room makes it impossible for Clarke to see her flushed face.
Clarke wordlessly slides back under the covers and turning so that they were facing each other with their hands still interlocked in between them right in front of both of their faces. She can feel hers and Clarke’s breath brushing across her fingers as she finally drifts peacefully to sleep.
Three Years Later
Lexa usually wakes up before Clarke, and today is no different. They have slept in that position every night since that first night. Even though Lexa no longer has trouble with homesickness they have grown accustomed to sleeping beside each other. So much that Lexa has trouble sleeping without Clarke when they go home during the break. She wonders if Clarke has the same problem.
“Clarke, wake up,” Lexa whispers as she gently rubs her thumb against the back of her roommate’s hand.
Clarke groans as her rubs her eyes with her hand that is not currently entangled with Lexa’s. “Morning.” Clarke mutters, still half asleep.
Lexa pulls her hand out of Clarke’s grasp and carefully climbs over her best-friend as she gets out of bed. “Come on Clarke. It’s the first day of our senior year.” Lexa says as she shimmies out of her pajama shorts and throws them at her not yet fully awake roommate. Clarke doesn’t seem to mind the shorts that are now covering her face. She even situates them over her eyes to block the lights that Lexa just turned on.
“Clarke get up!” Lexa is now fully dressed in her school uniform and is out of things to throw at her problematic roommate.
“AHHH!!!!” Clarke shrieks as Lexa pours a cup of cold water on her face.
“Room 307. Calculus II.” Lexa mutters to herself as she walks briskly through the halls.
“Shit!” Lexa hears right after the sound of textbooks and notebooks falling to the floor. She turns around and sees a disheveled girl frantically trying to pick up her array of fallen items. Lexa quickly helps pick up the items that landed at her feet.
“Thanks.” the girl says as Lexa's hands over a small pile of loose-leaf paper and notebooks. “I’m Echo. I’m kinda a mess and completely lost.” Echo says in a self-deprecating tone. “Transferring to a new school senior year might not be as easy as I thought it would be.” Echo adds as she gazes keenly at the girl in front of her.
“No problem. What’s your first class? I can probably help. I’m Lexa by the way.” Lexa says slightly embarrassed with this new girl looking at her so intently. ‘It must be my hair. It took me forever to wake Clarke up this morning, so I wasn’t able to brush it. It probably looks like a bird’s nest. Or maybe I have something on my face. I should probably go to the bathroom—’
“My first class is Calculus II with Mr. Kane. Do you know where that is?” Echo asks disrupting Lexa’s thoughts.
“That’s actually where I’m heading right now”
“Hey Lexa!” Lexa turns to see Raven rushing down the hall to meet them. “You have 1st period Calc too?” Raven asks when she catches up.
“Yeah. Echo, this is Raven.” Lexa introduces. “Echo is new here”
“Hey.” Raven greets. “So Lexa, you’re coming to the party on Friday, right? You’re invited too, Echo.”
“Maybe. I don’t know”
“You need to come. Clarke won’t come if you don’t. It’s the first party of the senior year. Come on Woods.” Raven says adding slyly, “I know Clarke wants to go.”
“Fine. I’ll go.” Lexa relents as they reach their classroom.
She’s probably going to regret this.
Somehow, even though they signed up for all the same classes, Clarke and Lexa were put in different sections for each class. But at least they had lunch together, along with Raven and Octavia and their new addition, Echo. Like always, Clarke and Lexa get different meals and share with each other since Clarke always has a hard time deciding what she wants.
“So… How long have you two been together?” Echo asks randomly during lunch as Lexa was in the middle of cutting her sandwich in half, and Clarke was placing half of her chicken finger in Lexa’s plate.
“We’re not. We’re just best friends and roommates.” Lexa states almost robotically. It’s something she has to correct people on constantly. She doesn’t mind being mistaken as Clarke’s girlfriend. Clarke is beautiful, intelligent, and popular. Everyone loves Clarke. The fact that people think she could be Clarke’s girlfriend is quite flattering. Lexa just wishes she didn’t need to correct people.
“Oh. I’m sorry that I assumed.”
But Echo didn’t look sorry at all. In fact, she looked rather pleased. ‘She must like Clarke.’ Lexa thought. Everyone liked Clarke. Throughout their high school experience, Lexa has been acutely aware of several people who have had a crush on Clarke, but ever since Clarke rejected Finn sophomore year, people stopped trying to ask her out. Lexa always wondered why, but she was just grateful, since hearing about people asking Clarke out always caused her chest to throb painfully.
“So Lexa, are w—are you going to the party on Friday?” Clarke asks, with forced enthusiasm that Lexa doesn’t pick up on. Lexa also misses the sympathetic look Raven and Octavia shoot towards Clarke.
“Yeah. Raven already convinced me to go.” Lexa replies, picking out the banana peppers from her sandwich and placing them on Clarke’s plate. “I might leave early though. I want to call Anya. She’s starting college next week.”
“Half the school will probably be there. You should come too, Echo. It’ll be a good way for you to meet more people.” Clarke says as she puts Lexa's banana peppers in her half of the sandwich.
“She knows us. Who else does she need.” Octavia jokes.
“Lexa has been content with talking to only us for the past three years,” Raven adds.
“Hey! I have other people that I talk to.” Lexa says defensively. “I’m in clubs and stuff. I’m the president of the debate team.”
“Technically, you don’t talk to them, Lexa. You just debate with them.” Clarke adds teasingly.
“We have intellectual discussions.”
“About debate topics.”
Lexa pouts in defeat. So what if she doesn’t have that many friends. The ones she has are enough. Clarke is enough.
“It’s probably a good thing though, with how needy and jealous Clarke gets,” Raven adds knowingly.
“I don’t get needy or jealous.” Clarke whines, causing her friends to laugh at her childish tone.
“Remember Costia?” Octavia reminds her friends.
“Who’s Costia?” Echo asks.
“The bitch that tried to steal my best friend,” Clarke answers spitefully. “She graduated two years ago.”
“Yeah. Not needy or jealous in any way.” Octavia says sarcastically with a chuckle.
“That’s wasn’t me being needy or jealous. Costia hated me. She kept on trying to get rid of me. Tell them, Lexa.”
“She did keep on suggesting we hang out alone without Clarke,” Lexa replies, causing Raven and Octavia to laugh loudly.
“Lexa, that wasn’t Costia trying to get rid of Clarke. She was trying to date you.” Raven explains, still chuckling. “For someone so smart, you really are oblivious.”
Lexa scowls. Costia wasn’t trying to date her. She would’ve known if Costia liked her. She's not oblivious.
Lexa was correct when she thought she would regret going to the party. It was everything she hated squeezed into a few rooms: hot, smelly, and drunk people. She was sitting alone on the couch waiting for Clarke to come back from her journey to find non-alcoholic drinks. She was getting impatient so she decided to get up and search for her.
“Hey Lexa.” Finn greets her.
“Hello Finn.” Lexa stiffly replies. Lexa never liked the Arcadia’s resident “Bad Boy”, and her dislike for him only grew during their sophomore year after he constantly flirted with Clarke while still dating Raven, and asked Clarke out to the Winter Formal. Thankfully, Clarke rejected him.
Weirdly, Lexa was also slightly grateful for those events because that was how she and Clarke became friends with Raven. Apparently, mutually complaining about a douchebag was a great way to bond.
“If you're looking for Clarke, she’s over there with the new girl,” Finn says gesturing outside towards the back patio where Lexa could see that Clarke was indeed talking with Echo, both looking quite serious. “She’s probably rejecting another hopeless suitor,” Finn adds bitterly, obviously still not over the events of sophomore year.
Clarke turns so that her back is now facing the glass door so Lexa could no longer see her face, but she could see Echo face clearly as it breaks out in a smile before the two girls embrace.
“Or not. Looks like Clarke finally found someone she thinks is good enough for her.” Finn says jealously.
Lexa feels jealous too, but she knows she has no right to be jealous. She knew and accepted early on that her and Clarke would never be anything more than friends. Really cuddly friends that slept together every night and held hands a lot, but still just friends. Lexa could feel her heart clench uncomfortably and her eyes start to water.
She didn’t even notice she left the party until she was already at the door of her room. The room she shared with Clarke. Clarke who is now dating Echo. Lexa turns on her phone and looks through her contact until she reached the name of her sister.
“Hey Lex. I didn’t expect you to call so soon. I thought you were going to a party?” Anya says when she picks up the phone.
“I did. I was... Clarke is dating someone!” Lexa blurts out. Anya was the only person she shared her feelings about Clarke with. The only one she trusted to keep it a secret. Sure she was friends with Raven and Octavia. They were good friends, loyal, funny, entertaining, but they would always be Clarke’s friends first.
Lexa is now starting to regret never feeling the need to make other friends. She never thought there would be a day where Clarke wouldn’t be enough. It was naïve of her to think that though. Clarke is beautiful, intelligent, and popular. Everyone loves Clarke. She knew this. She is part of that everyone.
“Oh Lexa. I’m sorry. Are you sure?”
“Yeah, I saw the whole thing.”
“Lex—”
“Can we talk about something else? How is your dorm?” Lexa interrupts.
“Shitty. Small. I can’t turn around without bumping my ass into something.” Anya replies trying to lighten the mood.
Lexa and Anya continued to talk about Anya’s new college while never mentioning the situation with Clarke again. Before long Lexa’s eyes were struggling to stay open.
“You should probably go to bed. You sound tired.”
“Yeah. Talk to you later Anya.” Lexa says before hanging up, feeling emotionally exhausted. She quickly showers and goes to bed, not bothering to wait for Clarke to come back from the party and not wanting to imagine what Clarke was doing at the moment. It takes forever for her to fall asleep.
The feeling of Clarke slipping into bed next to her did not wake her up, but the feeling of Clarke interlocking their fingers does.
“Sorry.” Clarke whispers when she realizes she woke her roommate up. She gently brushes her thumb against the back of Lexa’s hand. For the first time, Clarke’s touch makes her feel uncomfortable. Lexa quickly yanks away her hand and rolls over so she is laying on her back. “It’s too hot.” Lexa says stiffly as her only excuse.
“Oh. Ok. Sorry again for waking you.”
Lexa knows that she and Clarke probably shouldn't sleep together anymore given the circumstances. She might not like the fact that Clarke will soon be in a relationship, and she doesn’t want her relationship with Clarke to change, but she doesn’t want to cause trouble for Clarke if Echo misconstrues Clarke and Lexa’s relationship as something it isn’t due to their unusual closeness.
Plus, it hurts too much to be so close to Clarke now.
Tomorrow, Lexa decides. She doesn’t have the will power right now to ask Clarke to go sleep in her own bed tonight. She’ll give herself one more night.
Lexa spends most of the Saturday in the library working on her college applications. As the top of her class, she has an almost guarantee that she will get admitted to whatever school she applies to. Lasts year’s valedictorian got accepted to every school she applied to, including 5 Ivy Leagues. That doesn't stop her from stressing though.
She doesn’t have a clear first choice so she is applying to several schools to keep her options open. Her final choice will probably be based on which school offers her the most scholarships and which school Clarke decides to go to. Clarke is also high in the school rankings on top of being student body president so she shouldn’t have trouble getting accepted to colleges either.
Lexa doesn’t get back to her room until late, and Clarke is already in her pajamas and lying in Lexa’s bed. Lexa quickly gets ready for bed and joins her. Clarke immediately grabs Lexa’s hand, holding it slightly tighter than usual.
“I missed you today.” Clarke says drowsily.
They are in their usual position, and yet again Lexa can’t bring herself to ask Clarke to go sleep in her own bed. ‘One more night.’ Lexa thinks.
“Yeah, I was in the library all day.”
“College apps?”
Lexa nods in reply, forgetting that Clarke can't see her in dark. “Yeah, I’ll probably do the same tomorrow too.”
There’s no reply. Lexa can hear Clarke’s even breathing and feel Clarke’s firm grip on her hand relax. One more night. Maybe two.
Lexa spends another whole day in the library, making great progress and finishing 3 supplementary essays. When she gets back to the room, Clarke is not yet there. She gets ready for bed and tries to stay up to wait for Clarke but ends up falling asleep.
Lexa wakes up to Clarke interlocking their fingers and her cold feet brushing against Lexa’s legs.
“Why are your feet so cold?” Lexa complains groggily.
“Sorry. I was outside in flip flops.” Clarke says while playfully rubbing her feet against Lexa’s legs to warm them up.
“What were you doing out so late?” Lexa askes, still not fully awake.
“I was hanging out with Echo and we lost track of time.”
Lexa is now fully awake. This must’ve been their date. Lexa’s heart throbs painfully, and Clarke's gentle touches now feel like cuts in her skin.
“Maybe we should stop sleeping together.” Lexa says stiffly, trying to control the emotions in her voice.
“Is it because my feet are cold?” Clarke asks jokingly but slightly concerned. Her feet stop moving, but she starts to grip Lexa’s hand tighter. Lexa pulls her hand away, trying not to yank it away too fast, not wanting Clarke to know how much her touch hurt.
“No. It’s just…” Lexa tries to find the right words. “Given the circumstances, it is inappropriate for us to continue sleeping together. Even though we know it’s strictly platonic, other people might not see it that way.” Lexa explains evenly, proud of how steady she was able to keep her voice despite the fact that it now hurts to breath.
“Oh," Clarke says despondently. "You mean Echo.” The amount of hurt in her voice goes unnoticed by Lexa who is still preoccupied with trying to hide her own.
“Yeah”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah”
“Really?”
“Yes”
“Ok then.” Clarke says as she goes to sleep on her own bed for the first time in three years. “Good night Lexa.”
“Good night”
Lexa knows this is for the best, but that doesn’t stop her from wanting to take is all back and just enjoy Clarke next to her holding her hand as she sleeps. But she can’t enjoy that anymore. Not when Clarke has Echo.
It’s been two weeks since Lexa and Clarke stopped sleeping together, and the lack of sleep has made Lexa feel constantly fatigued. But, Lexa worked hard to hide how much the new sleeping arrangements have affected her.
Echo still sat with them every day during lunch and Lexa tried her best to act civilly with Echo, feigning interest in everything she says, laughing at all her jokes, forcing fake enthusiasm into her voice. She realizes she may have been overcompensating when she notices Clarke’s rigid composure and narrowing eyes as well as Raven and Octavia sending Clarke sympathetic looks.
After that, Lexa began to tone it down, not wanting Clarke to think she was interested in Echo or was trying to steal her girlfriend. Was Echo her girlfriend? Have they made it official? Lexa wants to ask but is too scared of what the answer could be.
“So Lexa…” Echo says, jostling Lexa away from her thoughts. “Do you want to do something this weekend? Like see a movie or go to that new Thai restaurant, or both?”
‘Their relationship must be getting serious if Echo wants to hang out alone with her girlfriend’s best-friend.’ Lexa thinks before answering. “Sure. That would be great!” Lexa replies with fake enthusiasm. Too much enthusiasm she realizes when she sees Clarke stiffen and her jaw clench.
Maybe she should talk to Clarke about this and make it explicitly clear that she has no interest in her girlfriend. That would be an awkward conversation though since she was interested in Clarke. Maybe not then. She’ll just have to be more careful Lexa decides as she picks the banana peppers off her sandwich making a small pile on the side of her plate. She should really remember to ask for no banana peppers next time.
Lexa groans inwardly. Being a good best-friend is difficult when you have feelings for you best-friend and said best-friend may or may not think you have feelings for her girlfriend. If she didn’t feel like there was a dull knife constantly carving into her heart, she may have found the situation humorous.
Clarke still wasn’t back in the room by time Lexa was ready for bed that night, which wasn’t unusual. For the past few weeks Clarke didn’t return to the room until after Lexa was asleep, probably staying up late with Echo again, so Lexa stopped trying to wait for her.
Lexa wakes up to the familiar feeling of Clarke interlocking their fingers. At first, Lexa thought she was dreaming, but soon realized that Clarke was really in her bed. She tries to pull her hand away only to have Clarke grip it tighter and pull it against her chest. Lexa can feel a heartbeat pulsing rapidly through her hand but is unsure if is Clarke’s or her own.
“Clarke, what are you doing?” Lexa asks, now fully awake.
“Please don’t make me leave.” Clarke pleads weakly. “I’ve barely slept in two weeks. Please Lexa. I need this. I’ll talk to Echo about it if you want. She’ll understand.”
“Ok.” Lexa relents, maybe a little too quickly. She needs this too. She never thought their new sleeping arrangements would affect Clarke this much too.
They lay there in silence. Clarke had maneuvered their hands so now it was only centimeters away from her face. Lexa can feel Clarke’s uneven breaths against her hand. They’re lying so close that Lexa can feel every shift of Clarke’s body. However, it wasn’t until Lexa felt the wetness of the sheet by Clarke’s face that she realized that Clarke was crying.
“Clarke. What wrong? What happened?” Lexa asks alarmed by her friend's tears. She quickly sits up and turns on the lamp by her bed with her free hand, and in the light, she could now see the tears streaming down her best-friend’s face.
Clarke doesn’t reply and just sits up on the bed.
“Clarke did something happen? Is this about—?”
“I love you.” Clarke says forcefully with a new determined look on her face even through her tears. “I’m in love with you. I have been for a long time. I know that you don’t… I don’t want to…” Her strong voice weakens with each word before trailing off completely. Her confidence wavering with each passing second with no reply from Lexa.
“I love you too.” Lexa says finally with a soft voice, still in shock from her friend’s declaration.
“You do?” Clarke asks hopefully, with strength returning to her voice.
“Of course.” Lexa says as she cups her face, wiping away her tears with her thumb. She leans in rest her forehead against Clarke’s. Clarke smiles contently before tilting her head and bringing their lips closer and closer together until Lexa jerks away suddenly, remembering something important.
If the situation wasn’t so serious Lexa may have laughed at the visual in front of her. Clarke was still leaned forward with her eyes closed and lips slightly puckered before she realized that Lexa pulled away and gives Lexa an adorable confused pout.
“What about you and Echo?” Lexa asks still not fully understanding the situation.
“Me and Echo?” Clarke looks even more confused now.
“You guys are dating…”
“What? No. Because she likes you… Didn’t you start distancing yourself from me because you wanted to date her, right? That’s why you wanted to stop sleeping together."
“But the party… and the late night hang outs… Tell me what’s really going on Clarke.” Lexa says when she sees realization flood Clarke’s face.
“Ummmm…” Clarke starts to smile sheepishly and light flush invades her face. She looks down at the bed sheets and starts fiddling with a loose tread. “So at the party, during the first week of school, Echo came up to me and told me that she liked you and wanted my help to get closer to you.”
Clarke is still focusing her gaze on the bed sheet instead of meeting Lexa’s intense stare as she continues her explanation. “The time I’ve been spending with Echo is because she wanted to know more about you, so I’ve been just telling her things about you and stuff…”
“So you’re not going out with Echo?” Lexa clarifies, finally piecing together what the past two weeks have been about.
“Did I ever say I was. I would've told you if I was.”
“No. I guess not.” Lexa feels relieved and chuckles at how badly she misinterpreted the situation. “Wait” Lexa grows serious again. “Why did you agree to help Echo?”
Clarke’s smile becomes sheepish once again. “I didn’t think you would agree to go out with her. I never thought you would leave me for someone else...” Clarke says before correcting herself. “Not that I thought we were a couple or anything… It’s just that… We kinda sleep together every night. That doesn’t really scream strictly platonic friendship, you know?”
Clark lowers her gaze to the loose thread on the bed sheets yet again. “And she’s been buying me candy and offered to do my math homework.”
“Clarke.” Lexa tries to feign anger, which is hard to do with the grin on her face. She couldn’t help but be amused with Clarke’s antics. Clarke reaches over and intertwines their fingers. It feels familiar yet novel.
“I love you.” Clarke says with a seriousness to her voice that Lexa doesn’t often hear.
Lexa smiles but doesn’t reply with words. Instead, she leans forward and presses her lips against Clarke’s. Clarke probably didn’t mind Lexa’s method of reply since Lexa can feel her smile against her lips. She still tastes a little salty from her tears from earlier, but Clarke’s lips are still the most delicious thing she’s ever tasted.
Lexa gasps in surprise as she feels Clarke climb onto her lap, straddling her hips as she tangles her hands into Lexa’s hair. Neither of them dare break the kiss as Lexa rests one hand on Clarke’s hip and uses the other to support Clarke’s back as she slowly leans forward until the back of Clarke’s head touches the bed. The kiss gets more heated as Lexa feels Clarke suck on her bottom lip before tentatively slipping her tongue into Lexa mouth.
Suddenly, Lexa jerks back. “Did I accidentally agree to go on a date with Echo?!”