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With Open Eyes
Even with all the creature comforts afforded a Federation Ambassador’s party, space travel was exhausting. Amanda hated to admit it, but the fact that she was growing older didn’t help. She sipped chilled Altair water as the expanse of stars stretched across the wide viewing window in her suite on Starbase Twelve. Sarek’s measured voice filtered out from the office area as he provided instructions to his aides. Amanda closed her eyes briefly. It had been only six months since Sarek’s emergency surgery during the fraught mission to Babel. According to his healers, and himself, he was fully recovered. The emotional trauma of the affair seemed to linger solely with her.
“Lady?”
“Yes, T’Ferin,” Amanda replied without turning.
The younger woman, their chief attache, appeared at her side. “You requested that I inform you when the Enterprise was within sublight range. The vessel has just exited warpspace and is on approach along vector two-six.” T’Ferin paused, and then pointed. “Becoming visible just there.”
“Thank you.”
T’Ferin remained at her side as the mere spot became larger and larger still, resolving into the beautiful white lines and curves of the Fleet’s flagship.
“Thank you, T’Ferin,” Amanda said again, this time meeting the Vulcan’s dark eyes and acknowledging her support.
T’Ferin nodded and her expression, briefly, seemed to lose some of its rigidity. She was a mother, too. She turned and glided silently away.
Amanda felt her shoulders lose some of their tension. At last. She would see her son again and be able to reassure herself of his safety and wellbeing. Skirmishes with the Orions had only increased since Babel, and a few had required extended engagements that had cost Federation lives and ships. The Enterprise had recently been at the center of one of the worst battles and, as Amanda peered closer, she could see lingering signs of damage on the ship’s hull and nacelles.
“My wife.” Sarek had moved to Amanda’s side as T’Ferin had withdrawn. “We are expected in the main observation tower for the opening reception and remarks.”
Amanda placed her barely touched drink onto a nearby table. “Of course.”
She could feel Sarek’s eyes on her and, through their bond, a touch of concern. “We will meet Spock there, my wife,” he said.
“I know,” she said, keeping her gaze on the Enterprise for another few seconds before turning to him with a soft smile on her lips. “I’m ready.”
Their steps were muffled on the thick carpeting in the hallways on the way to the observation tower. Amanda walked at her husband’s side, with T’Ferin and two other aides behind them.
Voices and pleasant music preceded their entry into the soaring open space of the tower. Surrounded on all sides by the rich velvet of space, the reception area was decorated with deepest blue and points of gold, seeming to extend the starscape to mingle among the guests.
Amanda performed the well-known choreography of an ambassador’s spouse: a supporting presence at Sarek’s side, wearing an ornate, if somewhat uncomfortable gown, her expression carefully pleasant. She was aware of her influence on those delegations who were irritated by the appearance of Vulcan isolation. T’Ferin, ever observant, had herself pointed this out after her initial experience traveling with Sarek and his human wife. Amanda remembered Sarek’s inward near-smugness. Outwardly, however, he had blandly reiterated the logic of his choice of partner.
Then, almost too suddenly, Spock appeared at the edge of the room: tall and dark, his blue dress uniform smartly contrasting with the green shimmer of his captain’s. Amanda waited patiently, content to simply watch him from the corner of her eye as Sarek continued his conversations. The Vulcan manner protected one well against the social tides of parties.
Spock remained with his captain, hands clasped reservedly behind his back, his eyes on Kirk except when it was necessary to acknowledge another. Bright and confident, James T. Kirk moved through the crowd easily, parting it before him and keeping Spock protectively on his lee side. It seemed like a well-practiced maneuver, and Amanda did not miss the brief, overly long glances they shared, even surrounded on all sides: a flash of humor; a snap of irony. Something worried at the back of Amanda’s mind as she observed them, but it was lost as she admired the naturally diplomatic way that Kirk brought both he and his first officer to stand in front of her without missing a single introduction or greeting on the way.
“Madam,” Kirk said with a slight bow, avoiding tactile contact as was the Vulcan tradition. He nodded to Sarek. “Ambassador. I am pleased to see you both looking well.”
“Thank you, Captain,” Sarek replied, raising the ta’al. His eyes shifted to his son. “Commander.”
“Father,” Spock acknowledged, no less formal.
Amanda smiled broadly. “Captain Kirk, how lovely to see you again.” She couldn’t help but reach out to place a gentle hand on her son’s arm. “Spock.”
“Mother.” His eyes were warm.
“I hear you both are staying here on the starbase for the duration of the conference?” Amanda continued.
“Yes,” Kirk said, “along with several rotations of crewmembers. We were due for R&R and our latest action required some minor repairs as well.”
“If your schedules allow, we would like to extend an invitation to you both to join us in our suite after this reception,” Sarek said.
Kirk raised his eyebrows in a delighted expression. “We would be honored to join you,” he said. He turned slightly to his first officer, their shoulders brushing. “Spock?”
Spock nodded. “Indeed, I look forward to the opportunity to share news of a personal nature.”
“Oh?” Amanda said. She sensed Sarek’s piqued interest.
“Ambassador,” T’Ferin said, stepping forward. “Perhaps another time would be more appropriate? I must remind you that our schedule requires–”
“My wife requires time with her son,” Sarek broke in. “As do I. We shall adjust the schedule to accommodate it.”
“Yes, Ambassador,” T’Ferin replied promptly.
Amanda thought she heard the young woman let out a soft huff of frustration and glanced back at her only to see perfect Vulcan poise. She couldn’t blame T’Ferin for that slight breach of etiquette; she herself was surprised by Sarek’s invitation. And their aides had spent a great deal of time and energy putting together the tight itinerary.
“We will see you then,” Kirk said, bowing again as he moved away towards an older officer that Amanda recognized as the base commander. Spock remained at his captain’s side.
Amanda exhaled and clasped her hands together. “I wonder what he wants to tell us?” she murmured to her husband.
“Speculation is illogical,” Sarek pronounced as he moved to greet an approaching dignitary. Amanda managed to suppress an eye roll as she smiled agreeably at the Andorian attache.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Amanda adjusted the pitcher of water on the table and smoothed the front of her simpler white dress. She was nervous and excited and had been pleased when her husband had dismissed the aides for the evening. It was somewhat illogical; they could have continued working in the office. However, she appreciated it both for her own comfort and for her son’s.
The door chime sounded its gentle tones and Sarek ordered entry. This time, Spock stepped forward ahead of his captain and both greeted Sarek with the ta’al.
Amanda stepped to her husband’s side and looked them over. To her delight, Spock was wearing the black tunic she had sent him years before. Kirk was dressed in a flattering Terran suit. He opened his mouth to greet her and she immediately cut in.
“You must call me Amanda, Captain. I do insist.”
He chuckled. “Then you must call me Jim, Amanda.”
“Certainly, Jim. Come sit down and I’ll bring you and Spock a drink. Altair water? Or would you prefer something stronger?”
The captain’s face transformed with a charming, lopsided grin and it was Amanda’s turn to chuckle. “I believe they’ve stocked a lovely bourbon. Spock? Sarek?”
“Please. Thank you, Mother.”
Sarek glanced at her as he directed the two officers to the sitting area. “Altair water for me, my wife.”
“Of course.”
Pleased again that she could perform the small tasks that usually fell to aides on these diplomatic trips, Amanda prepared the bourbon as she liked it, adding a small twist of lemon and a single, large cubic piece of ice. For Sarek, she chose a particularly ornamental goblet, knowing it would amuse him.
Kirk and Spock were seated next to each other on the couch opposite the one Sarek occupied, and all three men stood as she approached.
She waved her hand at them as she set the drinks down and then settled herself. “Please. I believe we’ve all been through enough together to consider this a less than formal visit.”
“Quite,” Sarek agreed.
“To informality,” Kirk said, raising his glass.
Amanda laughed again and repeated the toast.
“Well?” she asked as she watched the two younger men taste their drinks.
“Most excellent,” Spock said. He took a second sip and tilted his head towards his captain, as if for unspoken permission. Kirk’s slightest nod seemed to seal it.
Amanda tried not to hold her breath.
Her son placed his glass on the table in front of him and laced his fingers together. “Mother, Father, as you know, my betrothal with T’Pring was unsuccessful.”
Decades of emotional control prevented Amanda from snorting in response. What a nightmare that had been. Amanda still did not know the whole story and she hadn’t pressed Sarek for fear of him telling her something that she could not forgive.
“Indeed,” Sarek replied. Father and son now held perfect Vulcan impassivity. Next to Spock, Kirk seemed relaxed, a small, encouraging smile on his face.
Her son continued, “I wish to inform you both that I have a bondmate. Despite the lack of formal ceremony, our bond is complete and has been verified by a healer.”
Amanda impulsively clapped her hands together. “Spock! Who is she? Someone on the ship?”
“Amanda,” Sarek murmured. He had tensed again.
Kirk met her eyes, shrugging slightly as if in apology. “It’s me, ma’am. Your son is bonded to me.”
Amanda felt her mouth fall open. Next to her, she could feel Sarek’s internal struggle to remain outwardly unperturbed. Her husband stood, and, across the table, Spock and Kirk followed.
“I welcome you to our family, Captain,” Sarek intoned formally. “We are honored.” He held out his hand in human fashion.
Kirk–Jim–shook Sarek’s hand firmly, and the three men returned to their seats.
Jim was quietly speaking now: asking about Sarek’s health and mentioning his own ship’s surgeon. Amanda could feel Sarek’s satisfaction. Indeed, it was a most logical choice. Jim was one of the greatest captains Starfleet had ever seen: highly decorated and with a diplomatic and military record that was unmatched in the service. He and Spock worked seamlessly together. She had heard them referred to, over and over, as the best command team in the Fleet. And she could see their closeness. Indeed, now that she knew, it was impossible not to notice. It came, however, at the cost of everything she had secretly imagined: a wife for her son, a home for him back on Vulcan, a kindred female confidant in Spock’s health and wellbeing, perhaps even grandchildren.
A silence stretched and Amanda cleared her throat, belatedly realizing the rudeness in her lack of reaction. “Jim,” she said, hearing the rawness of her own voice. “I-I, too, welcome you to our family. I apologize for–”
“No,” he interrupted. “No apologies necessary, please. I know that this comes as somewhat of a shock.”
Amanda lowered her eyes. “In retrospect, it should not have.”
“Nevertheless.” Jim exchanged a glance with Spock. “If you have any questions, ma’am, I am happy to try to answer them.”
Amanda lifted her head, seeing earnest, hazel eyes and unconstrained human expression. Realization dawned that she could ask, openly, without the opacity of Vulcan propriety.
“Just one, Jim. It is quite personal, however.”
A faint blush shaded the captain’s cheeks, but he nodded for her to continue. She saw Spock lift an eyebrow and felt Sarek’s slight shift next to her and ignored them, deciding that if Sarek chose a human wife and Spock a human husband, then they should probably become accustomed to the human habit of speaking of difficult things in plain language.
“Jim, will you accept and love him for who he is? For all that he is?”
The captain grinned. “I will,” he said grandly. “He deserves nothing less.”
“And, Spock,” Amanda said boldly, meeting her son’s gaze. “Will you accept Jim and love him for who he is?” There was a deep subtext under her words; an acknowledgment of her and Sarek’s own deficiencies in that regard. They had chosen Spock’s path, his initial betrothed. They had allowed his estrangement. Amanda knew that she could have done more; she could have fought harder, even if it was only a feeling that she had to go on.
“I will,” Spock replied solemnly. “Always.”
“It sounds like we just got married in the human way,” Jim quipped. He reached out to briefly place a hand on Spock’s thigh. “Bones is going to be irritated that he missed it.”
Amanda recognized Jim’s nickname for his doctor friend. “Under Vulcan law, as you know, the formation of the bond itself constitutes a marriage. Do you intend to participate in a traditional human ceremony as well? Or,” she glanced uncertainly at Sarek, “in the Vulcan ceremonies that usually are associated with such an event?”
“No,” Jim said. “Finding time for anything outside of duty is difficult, and, uh–” For the first time, he seemed to falter.
“I do not wish to participate in a Vulcan ceremony,” Spock said flatly.
Now, Amanda let a snort escape. “I can’t imagine why not,” she said sarcastically.
Spock raised both eyebrows but his lips curled in a small smile. Jim chuckled, and then laughed out loud. Amanda grinned, and a new future stretched out in front of her as she acknowledged that this man would be a confidant in Spock’s health and wellbeing and a devoted, loving partner always by her son’s side. She imagined a home for them on Vulcan, perhaps. It might be too soon to inquire about grandchildren.
“Yes,” Sarek said quickly. Amanda knew it was in response to her thought, which she had deliberately made no effort to shield. Her husband cleared his throat and stood. “Perhaps I could refresh our drinks?”
“Let me help,” Jim said, still smiling. “Spock?” The two officers stood and Spock reached out to take Amanda’s nearly empty beverage. She smiled up at him and then closed her eyes as the three men walked to the sideboard. The clink of ice and low conversation were most pleasant to her ears.
Amanda had come to Vulcan with the belief that Sarek would encompass her definition of family. She had always wielded the intensity of her love as precisely as the intensity of her career and, with her marriage and relocation to Vulcan, she was afforded the societal allowance to indulge both. Her desire for a child had taken her by surprise. Spock’s birth had come after several years of heartbreak. So many failed attempts, and their ultimate success had seemed like a triumph for Vulcan science at the very vanguard of IDIC. It was only after the bliss of miraculous infanthood that idealism collapsed. Her child’s mixed heritage became an academic and philosophical argument; the practice of IDIC was largely buried under more traditional expectations. Even Sarek bowed before familial pressure. Spock’s brilliance and aptitude always held an asterisk. His telepathic prowess, exceptional even among Vulcans, came with politely expressed concerns regarding his ability to control. Spock being as Vulcan as possible evolved into a necessary defense.
Amanda’s reverie broke as her son handed her a refreshed drink. Spock graced her with the gentle inclination of his head that was one of her favorite traits of his, his eyes soft. The two younger men sat down again, closer to each other this time, and Sarek returned to her side. They were speaking about some incident of Federation diplomacy and Amanda took the liberty of just observing.
Jim’s charisma was inescapable; it was difficult to take one’s eyes off of him. Spock certainly could not. Her son watched his bondmate as if he was the most fascinating thing in the universe. And Amanda noticed that Jim, likewise, favored his beloved with the glow of human devotion. Now that they were hiding nothing, the intimacy between them was obvious.
Had Spock not undergone the bigotry and trials of his youth and the separation of his young adulthood, would he have found this partner, who was so perfect for him? If she, herself, and Sarek had not undergone Spock’s absence and been forced into difficult and lonely introspection, would they have been able to accept his choice? Amanda pushed away those uncomfortable thoughts as a pause in the conversation caught her attention.
“Yes, sir,” Jim said finally, “the last few weeks have been difficult. The ship sustained significant casualties.”
“Indeed.” Sarek’s thoughts were heavy. “I grieve with you for your losses. The diplomatic communique made available to me mentioned your ship’s involvement.” His gaze turned towards his son. “I admit that I experienced some concern as to your wellbeing, Spock.”
“I’m pleased that they were able to look after each other,” Amanda said lightly, noticing the subtle lines of tension that had settled on the captain’s handsome face and hoping to divert the conversation.
“Yes.” Jim was looking at the floor. “Well. Your son is very good at that.” He raised his eyes to meet Spock’s, and some profound significance passed between them. It left a perceptible psychic wake and Amanda could sense Sarek’s reaction even if her husband’s expression remained impassive.
Spock straightened his shoulders. “I apologize,” he said, obviously noticing the breach of telepathic protocol. “Duty has also left us very little time for our accommodation of the bond.”
Jim chuckled quickly, perhaps attempting to recover the previous ease. “I have been practicing, but I’m only human.”
“On the contrary, Jim is an adept,” Spock stated. He looked at his spouse again, as if for permission and then looked at his parents. “Given your security clearance, I will elaborate. Our shields were weakened as part of a rescue operation. A subsequent salvo resulted in a temporary breach that was exploited by the Orions. They initiated a broad transport of our bridge crew to the enemy vessel.”
Amanda’s hand had covered her mouth. “You both–”
“Negative,” Spock said. “I was in Engineering at the time.”
Jim placed a gentle hand on Spock’s knee again. “He got the ship clear of the conflict and then took a long-range shuttle out on what Command suggested was a fool’s mission. He adjusted the deflectors to disguise the craft as one of those fighters that the Orions have been flying around on recon. He found us. Transported us back. All eight of us. On his own.”
“You used the bond to find him,” Sarek said to Spock.
“Indeed,” Spock replied.
“It was good timing,” Jim said mildly. “They hadn’t hesitated in trying to get information from us.”
“From Jim,” Spock added quietly.
The captain drained his drink. “Klingon interrogation methods are far worse. Orions, it turns out, have the idea that they’ll be keeping their subjects intact for other reasons.” He let out a forced laugh and then glanced at his in-laws. Amanda attempted to immediately rearrange her horrified expression but was obviously not entirely successful.
“I am so sorry, Jim,” she said, thinking of the fear and pain that must have flooded the bond. Even with training, and practice, a human could only shield so much. No wonder the memory of it had caused Spock’s control to slip just now.
“All part of the job,” Jim quipped. “Spock got another medal out of it.” He exchanged another glance with his bondmate and Amanda could only imagine what their silent communication contained. She could see Jim’s smile: apologetic, loving. She could see the softening of Spock’s impassivity into something gently exasperated and reassuring, loving.
Amanda gazed at them, wondering what other things had been concealed beneath the bland and careful language of the diplomatic packets. What other frustration and desperation and terror lay beneath the surface, faced by these two men? She wondered what type of crucibles had forged the devotion and intimacy they now shared. She contrasted it with the simple, eager excitement that she had felt in her courtship with Sarek; with the innocent ignorance of Spock’s betrothal ceremony. Impulsively, she stood, rounded the table that separated them, and drew Jim, just rising from his seat himself, into a fierce embrace.
It was an action she could never have taken with her son. But that fact that this was his bondmate meant that it was shared with him anyway. Amanda held Jim tightly, pleased when his arms came up to embrace her in turn. “I’m so sorry,” she said again. When she released him, his cheeks were flushed.
“It’s alright, Amanda,” Jim said earnestly. “Truly.”
Amanda picked up his empty glass and busied herself with refilling it, listening to Jim retake his seat and Sarek comment on the strategic implications of the incident. She took the time to compose herself and returned, handing her son-in-law a glass that did not shake, a calm expression returned to her face. There was no judgement in Sarek’s mind. The cause was sufficient. Amanda let her hand rest on his arm as the evening continued.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Much later, Amanda sat in front of the same wide, viewing window. The ambient lighting in the suite had been dimmed and she was comfortable in her sleep robes. Her son and his bondmate had departed and she was left to contemplate their ship, suspended against the backdrop of space: so strong, and yet so exposed. They will keep each other safe. Her eyes drifted to the vast unknown and a chill went down her spine at the thought of the terrible thing that had happened to them. My god, please let them keep each other safe.
“They will continue to do their duty.”
Sarek’s soft, purposeful footsteps emerged from the bedroom. His mind held the unique streamlined quality of recent meditation. “You are unable to sleep.”
“Had we not pushed Spock away, he would be safe but unhappy.”
Amanda could feel Sarek’s eyebrow rise in response to her assumption of Spock’s emotional state.
“Now, he is happy, but not safe.”
“My wife–”
Amanda took a deep breath and shook her head, sending reassurance to her husband. “I am aware of how important his duties are to the safety of the Federation. I understand that now, in all ways, he is where he belongs. I am proud and happy for him and I am overjoyed at his choice of mate.”
Sarek had come to kneel beside her chair, sensing her unfinished thought. “And?”
“And yet I am frightened.”
“Why?”
“Because he now holds the mind and soul and feelings of another being. He loves…so much, Sarek. I can see it between them.”
Sarek took her hand. “A Vulcan can hardly do otherwise.”
“And he’ll suffer his bondmate’s pain.”
“Not directly, Amanda. He will shield. He will teach Jim to do so. I assume he already has done so.”
“You felt Spock’s reaction tonight when he thought of Jim’s capture. You can imagine, or deduce, that he would not have shielded himself so that he could locate his bondmate and the rest of his people. He felt Jim’s pain: emotional pain, physical pain. He chose to share it. Just like you chose not to.” The statement came out with more force than she intended. She could feel Sarek’s confusion and stammered, “I apologize. I–”
“You are referencing the medical incident during the trip to Babel.”
Amanda swallowed. “Yes.”
Sarek tilted his head and studied her. “I wronged you greatly when I sought to keep my condition from you. I wished to protect you and I failed in that regard. I have apologized, but I see that I need to apologize again.”
“I don’t want an apology, ashayam. I want your understanding.”
“I know.” Sarek took her other hand as well. “To be bonded requires a private acknowledgement that logic is not enough. It is a personal revelation that our innermost impulses are not fully controlled and never were. It is most revealing to experience such unfettered love. Spock will protect Jim with his life. He will endure anything for him. This is what frightens you?”
Amanda nodded, somewhat surprised by the stark openness of her husband’s words.
“But you know, too, my wife, that Jim will do the same. Theirs is a true t’hy’la relationship. They are shieldmates, kindred, beloved. What is fear but a thing to be cast aside in the acknowledgement of what they are.”
She found her voice again. “You speak with emotion, my husband.” She said it gently, with their bond holding her love, and her recognition of his vulnerability.
“Your emotions do you credit, my wife.” Sarek released her hands to offer her the ozh’esta.
Amanda met the Vulcan display of intimacy with her own two fingers paired. “It was a mistake to allow his estrangement. We must do better.”
Sarek inclined his head in a very similar way to their son. “We shall.” He paused, and then continued with less gravity, “Perhaps an offer of an extended visit to our home would be in order.”
Amanda smiled at him, imagining her dining room table surrounded by her family, imagining watching her son and his chosen one walking together in her garden. She wondered if Jim liked roses. “I would greatly enjoy that.”
THE END
Author’s Note: I do not own Star Trek, and I make no money from this.