Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Walking down the street to my old, run-down home in the middle of an afternoon in January, I clutch my jacket closed over me. The buttons fell off after the continuous years of abuse, and it’s too small now, but I don’t have another to use, so I make do. I had some spare time after school today, so I was walking around the streets before it had started to snow. The wind blows the falling snow into my hair, my ears, and my eyes. It’s freezing cold, and the smoke and smog from the factories doesn’t help my sight either. The whirr of the machines can be heard through the walls, but I hardly notice it anymore, though sometimes it gives me headaches while I’m working. In District 8, the textile district, all people from the age of eight to eighty have to work at least four hours a day, everyday, with the exception of the Reaping. Now that I’m twelve, my name’s been entered once, but since me and my twin sister, Urania, are the only people in my family eligible for tessare, we both have our name entered twice. Food is hard to get by, since there’s no farms anywhere here, and the only animals that we have are outside of the fence, which no one but toddlers can get past.

When I step in the door, I’m met with the leaky ceiling, the melted snow seeping in, and the smoke from the fire burning in the corner rushing out. Urania got home from work earlier, and Calisto, my youngest sister, is too young to work yet. She’s only 5 right now. My mom is cooking some of the grain from the tesserae in a pot to make her famous oatmeal. It’s not famous because it’s good, but it’s what we always eat, so it may as well be. Even when my mom was being favored by a peacekeeper, who gave us better food, she still wasn’t a good cook.

Taking off my bonnet and apron from the factory, I go to my bedroom to put them away, and to rest until dinner is done. untying my apron from the back, I catch sight of my hand, missing its pointer finger. The first year I started working, I was distracted at my machine when it caught my hand. Luckily it only got my finger, but I know some people who’ve lost their whole hand. I ignore it, as there’s a knock on my door. Which is useless, since the door was open anyway, but Urania steps in.

”Food’s done.” She tells, moving through the room to sit down beside me. Lucky for her, she still has all her limbs.

”Okay.” I answer, mindlessly tying and untying the apron on my lap, an old habit of mine since I was little. “You think Cali will eat it this time?” I ask her. Calisto has always been a picky eater. She was born just before our moms peacekeeper was moved to another district, but she still only ever wanted the best.

”Not sure.” She answers. “Maybe…” she draws on the word, making it painfully obvious she was worried about something. Sometimes it felt like I could read her mind, but she couldn’t be more blind about me. She still tried, of course, but most of the time she was tone deaf.

”What?” I ask, raising an eyebrow at her.

“Well…” She replies. “It’s our first year in the reaping.” She says, her voice quieter, not wanting our mom to hear. Even though she was across the house, boiling oatmeal and listening to our baby sister squeal.

“In a month will be our first year entered.” I remark.

”That doesn’t matter. “ Urania sighs. “We still have our names in twice.”

”Well I know a thirteen year old with his name in 7 times. The odds are in our favor, we’ll be fine.”

”But—“ she starts, when our mother shouts for us to come to the table.

Chapter Text

I’m dusting off my skirt and wiping the dust from my facet when the bell blares in my ears, signaling the end of the 4am shift. It’s currently 8, and I have to rush to school. I open the door, being the first one out since my machine is close to the entrance, and start to run. By now, lessons have already started, but my teacher, Mr. Tewer, has gotten used to his students showing up late, considering the factories and the school are on opposite sides of our town. As I dash through the mush of snow on the streets, I untie my apron and I re-tie it as some form of a cape. Even though it’s April, there’s still been some cold nights. I’ve been leaving my jacket at school since I accidentally left my old one at the factory, and it got sent to the Capitol. I wonder how the Capitol people felt seeing an old broken kids jacket mixed in with their fancy clothes and uniforms. I had to steal the new one I have now, but I don’t know if it can be considered new anymore.

It takes me almost ten minutes to get to my school, and even with the breaks from running I took in between my journey, I’m still winded. I step in and am graciously welcomed with heat. The school is one of the only places with heat, other than the Justice Building, because, as it turns out, kids don’t learn very well in freezing cold. I look through the halls to find my classroom, and see Urania already sitting there. She goes to work after school instead of before, so she has time to sleep in.

I go to my seat without a word, turning around my apron so it sits forward on my neck, being too tired to re-tie it completely.

I usually pay attention during the lessons, but today I’m too tired to really focus. What Urania told me last December had subconsciously dug down into my conscious, and I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Last night was worse, because there’s only 3 months until the reaping. Since that December, Urania has had to take out more tesserae, so her name is in 3 times. Mom has been very adamant that we don’t do anything to add our names more times than absolutely necessary, ever since my brother died in the games two years ago. We don’t talk about him much anymore, but on his birthday we take the day off work, other than our mandatory hours at the factory.

I end up daydreaming through the entire lesson, until we get to lunch, and even then Urania has to shake me to get my attention.

We go to sit at our table in the lunchroom, where we open our bags to another bowl of oatmeal and some bottled river water. Our friends Pegasus and Neptune show up, with their salad and milk. They live closer to the forest, so they can sometimes find berries that fell off bushes and got carried into the district by some wind. They aren’t siblings, but since Pegasus’s parents died, she’s lived with Neptune and his family. They’re both 14, but they’re in the same classes as us.

I don’t really pay attention to the conversation, focusing on my flavorless grain, until something comes into my mind that I can’t let go. Then I finally interrupt by suddenly asking “how many times are you in this year?”
”What?” Neptune asks, looking at me in confusion.

”How many slips are in the reaping bowl with your name on it?” I clarify.

”Oh,” He hums, thinking for a second before replying with “five or six, maybe.”

”I know I’m in six times this year.” Pegasus answers.

”Well,” Urania starts. “May the odds be ever in your favor.”

Chapter Text

I’m at home again the day before the reaping. School’s out today, and I already did my hours of work.

My mom’s sitting with me on her bed, arms wrapped around me, and her face buried in my hair. I know that she’ll do the same thing with Urania when she gets home, but right now, it’s just me. I know this year will be rough for her, since it’s the first time any of her kids have been eligible for the Hunger Games since my brother was reaped. I don’t remember it very well, but I know my mom can never forget it.

Mom’s currently rocking me back and forth, humming a melody quietly into my scalp. I don’t know the words, but she’s always hummed it to us before reaping day. She says it’s good luck, and I believe her. She says that the only year she’s ever forgotten was the year my brother was reaped, and I don’t want to take any chances.

I look up at her, and see her eyes are closed as she exhales deeply, moving her hands to rub my shoulders. I can hear my sister running around with a doll that Urania sewed her, laughing as she pitter-patters down the hall. I can only tell it’s that doll because Urania sewed bells onto the hands.

_______________________________

It’s mid-afternoon, Urania has been gone for an hour, which gives me three more to spend by myself with mom. I don’t ever want her to let go of me, I know that when she does I’ll be left alone to think about all the things that could happen. I could get pulled out of that bowl, or even worse, Urania could. That’s my biggest worry, because I know if she goes then she’ll die. No twelve year old has ever won before. But I’m also scared because I know I’m too much of a chicken to volunteer in her place. I wonder what Urania’s thinking of right now. Maybe it would be better if I didn’t know, though.

While I’m daydreaming, my mom has let go of me, and taking a deep breath. After almost two full minutes of silence, she says

“I made you a dress. It’s on the kitchen counter. You might’ve seen it when you got home from work, but… just pretend you didn’t.” She’s trying to sound lighthearted, and make a joke, but I know she’s actually just pretending. I smile back to make her feel better.

Honestly, I didn’t see anything, because I was too busy worrying about what would happen if Pegasus or Neptune were reaped. No fourteen year old has won the games yet either, but they’ve gotten closer to it than any twelve year old has. The odds are better and worse for them than for us. On the bright side, they have better chances of winning, but on the other hand, they have better chances of having their names pulled.

While I’m thinking, I’m being led into the kitchen. When I get there, I almost trip on the loose floorboard I wasn’t paying attention too. But when I look back up, I see a light cyan-blue dress, with thin straps but a long, darker blue skirt, and a white ribbon belt sewn into it. Either there’s a white design on the skirt, or my mom dyed the fabric poorly, but there’s fuzzy white spots along the front of it. It’s still probably the best thing my mom has ever sewn, and I know my sister has a matching dress, but if not that, one pretty similar.

I pick it up, obviously showing my awe at the dress in my expression, as I can feel my moms demeanor lighten.

”Thank you.” I manage to say, trying to keep the image of me wearing this in the arena, covered in blood that I can’t determine whether it’s mine or another tributes.

“It’s beautiful.”

Chapter Text

The day of the reaping, as I had guessed, Urania was in a matching dress to mine. My hair was tied up into a bun, keeping hold on my long, thick black hair, and my sister had her hair down.

We have the reaping at 12pm, so we just sit at home and eat a big breakfast. We got some eggs, which have been a delicacy since I was young, about 7, when Toyota, the peacekeeper which my mom was favored by, had been moved.

We decided to wait to eat lunch until after the reaping. Besides, I’m full from breakfast, and I don’t want the taste of grain to wash away the left over taste of the eggs.

Then I hear the horn, signaling to go to the square, with the Justice building, and my head snapped toward my mother and sister.

They were frozen in terror, when I realized that I was too. I take a quick shaky breath, and I started to stand. Seeing this, my mom stands as well. Calisto doesn’t understand the hunger games yet. All she knows is she doesn’t like the horn. My mom picks her up, and Urania finally follows suit and goes to stand beside me. As we leave, there’s a large crowd of other children and parents. We just follow them, since I don’t really know where to go.

We eventually get to the square, and get in a group. I look over to Urania but realize she’s been separated. Then I frantically search for Pegasus or Neptune, but all I see is black and brown hair clumped together, who it all belongs to is undefinable. I’m breathing heavily and fast, trying to relax but failing horribly. It’s only when the escort, Ecstasy, steps on stage, doing her spiel, that I snap back into reality. Her light pink skin terrifies me, she looks like a newborn baby, but she’s grown. She has white stars tattooed on her forehead also. Internally, and probably some level of externally, I’m panicking like I’m stuck in a cellar of lions. Then, the video plays. I’ve heard it every year, but this year is different, because I’m actually paying attention. It’s going over the Dark Days, when the districts rebelled and fought against the capitol. The video continues, talking about why the Hunger Games exist. To remind the districts that they need the Captiol to survive, and that it’s punishment for rebelling all those years ago. After the video is over, Ecstasy is already over to one of the bowls, which I assume is the girl names. My assumption is correct, and my breath catches in my throat when she says

“Ladies first!” She exclaims with a smile that almost terrifies me, it seems fake, but too genuine at the same time.

She digs her hand into the bowl, and I can see her mixing the names, eyes closed for dramatic effect, I’m assuming, since the names can’t be seen from the bowl. I’ve seen other reapings, the slips are taped closed. The entire square is silent, you can hear her breaths through the microphone.

When she takes her hand out, she has one slip in her hand. She looks out to the crowd, and says “the female tribute for the 60th annual Hunger Games…”

Everyone draws in a breath, horrified that their name will be drawn, I’m sure. I’m shaking in my shoes, trying to convince myself that there’s no way it can be me, my names only in there twice.

“…Medea Rose!”

Chapter Text

I’m horrified after hearing my name. How could this happen? I hardly took any tesserae—I only took one! I look around frantically, begging internally that someone, my sister, my friends, even someone random I’ve never met before, would step in and take my place. As Ecstasy calls me up impatiently to the stage she stands on at the Justice Building, I’m realizing just how alone I am. No one is going to step up, they’re all afraid. I was too scared to volunteer for Urania if it called for, so why am I assuming she would do it for me? But still, I’m shaking like a shirt hung out to dry in a storm. I slowly take a step forward, hesitant and nervous, step after step, until I finally reach the escort.

She’s smiling at me with impatience, and I can see colorful gems encrusted on her teeth. It makes me sick, combined with the terror of knowing I was just sentenced to death. Then she walks over to the second bowl. Pulling out a second slip, much quicker than she pulled out mine, she reads out

”Needle Hilarion!” Ecstasy shuts, still with her show business tone, but sounding much more bored.
I’ve never met him, and I haven’t really heard of him before, but he was older than me, and was tall. I was pretty short for my age, but he definitely wasn’t average. He looked 16.

By this point I had already toned everything out, my mind spinning like a machine in my factory. I only noticed something happening when he held his hand out to me, and Ecstasy passive-aggressively pushed me forward. My hands were dripping like a faucet, but I held out my hand and shook his anyway.

A few minutes later, when my mom and two sisters came in, they were crying hysterically, with the exception of Cali, since she didn’t really understand what was happening. Up until that point I hadn’t realized I could cry. As soon as my mom wrapped her arms around me, I was bawling my eyes out.

I spent almost 10 minutes in her and Urania’s arms, Calisto joining in eventually because she didn’t want to be left out.

”You have to be strong, Medea.” My mom eventually said, running her hand over my back gently, her lips pressed against my hair, just like she did last night. Urania was sitting beside me silently as I nodded.

”Okay.” I whisper, my voice quivering.

Calisto then climbed up to sit on my lap, looking confused, then innocently asking “when can we have lunch?”

As she asked that, the tears started up again, as it hit me that I would probably never get to eat with my family again.

When a peacekeeper opened the door to call my family out, Calisto turned and asked my mom
“why’s sissy crying?”

My mom didn’t respond.

Right before Urania walked out, having not said anything the entire time, she turned to me and said in such a low tone that I could hardly hear her,

“I’m sorry.”

Chapter Text

Next thing I know I’m sitting on the bench beside Neptune and Pegasus. They don’t say much, mostly just whispering apologies and rubbing my shoulders. I’d love to talk about everything in my head, but I can’t manage to get any words out.

No one else comes to visit me. I was pretty popular at my school, but I guess people don’t know me well enough to want to come say what will probably be their last goodbye.

Then I’m on a train, sitting at a table with Needle and Ecstasy. My mentor, Ecstasy mentions, is a 19 year old girl, that apparently didn’t show up to the reaping when she was supposed to, who won the games 2 years before these ones. The games my brother died in. I try not to think about it all that much, though. Needle’s mentor is a pretty old man whose name is Woof, who I saw sitting in the corner of the stage, but didn’t really care to focus on at the time.

Ecstasy is droning on and on about the post-reaping party that she’ll be going to. Apparently people in the Capitol hold parties for everything. I hear her saying that only people who have a role in the games, or who have a lot of money, can attend. I stop paying attention to her words after a while, focusing only on her pale red skin, her tall posture in her seat, and I’m wondering if she’s actually that tall, or if it’s the huge, pointy, tall shoes she’s wearing making her look that way. Her hair is also red, but a darker version of it, like the dyed cotton we sew back in the factories of District 8. It goes down past her knees, almost dragging on the floor behind her sparkly shoes. She has a blue dress on,in a brighter shade than mine, but it looks close enough. It’s about the same length as mine, which I think is kind of weird, because she looks 20 years older than me and, again, much taller. I’m staring at her purple lipstick when I notice her staring at me.

”Fascinated, are we? I’m sure you’ve never even laid your eyes on such a luxury! We’ll have a lot to catch you up on, I’m sure.”

I can’t tell if she’s trying to be welcoming or if she’s antagonizing me, but I just shrug.

”Well, never mind that, dear. I’m sure you’re just buzzing with questions!” She smiles. She seems nicer than an hour ago, but I still don’t know whether she actually cares or if she’s pretending. “I’ll go find your mentors, they should be around here somewhere…” She mutters, standing up, her shoes tip-tapping on the cold, white floor of the train car.

When she leaves, I look over briefly at Needle. He looks strong, and sort of mean. He glances back at me, but he just stands up as well, and goes off to, what I guess, explore the train. I want to as well, in the back of my mind, but I’m both worried I’ll get lost, and that I might break something, and that won’t be a good first impression. I don’t know why I’m worried about that, all the people here, except maybe Needle, are here to prepare me to die. I don’t think it matters much if I break a cup or if they don’t like me, but I still just sit there.

Then, a few minutes later, while I’m looking around and observing the extravagance, Ecstasy comes back, pulling along what I’m guessing is my mentor and Woof
My mentor is very pretty, with long-ish brown hair and green eyes. She’s wearing a plain white dress that looks like pajamas. I instinctively look at her hands, checking if they’re still connected, and they are. Her fingernails are colorful, in all the shades of the rainbow.

She looks at me silently in an expression that looks like a mix of pity, exhaustion, and resignation. Woof comes in too, after a minute. He walks on a cane, his back arched, hair mostly gone, and wrinkles sagging his face. I start to wonder how he gets around the Capitol all the time. Needle isn’t in the room though.

Cecelia sits down a few seats away from me, drinking a cup of water. We stay silent for a while, and I’m thinking about what could be my fate in the near future. Murder? Starvation? Poison, like what killed my brother?

My thoughts are interrupted after a while, when Cecelia finally asks

“So… what’s your name, kid?”

I look up to her, almost forgetting that she was absent from the reaping.

“Uhm…” I hesitate for a moment, my brain still struggling to comprehend all that’s happened in the past hour or so. “Medea.”

“Medea? Nice name, I guess.”

“You won two years ago, right?”

“Mhmm.”

“So… how old are you?” I ask. I haven’t seen her around many times. She’s a lot older than me, I can tell.

”Nineteen. How old are you? You look really young.”

“I’m twelve.” I answer, then it finally clicks. No twelve year old has ever won the games. The youngest Victor was fifteen. I have no chance of ever going home.

”Twelve, huh?” She repeats. “Pretty young.” She merely answers, getting another drink of her water.

“Yea.” I mutter, folding my hands on my lap.

Chapter Text

After speaking with Cecelia, I’m escorted to my room on the train by an avox, but it reminds me more of a very fancy pod.

I only stand there for a second, as there’s a big window to the side that makes me dizzy looking for too long.

I sit on the bed, completely overwhelmed by everything that‘s happened. My name was only in there a few times, how was I drawn?

I miss my mom. And I miss my sisters.

I wonder what they think.

Calypso doesn’t understand that I won’t be coming home. I wish I had asked to hold her again. To kiss her and tell her I loved her and always will.

I know my mom is devastated. She hardly coped when my brother died, I hardly know what she’s doing now. Is she cooking? It’s around 4, I think. Probably not.

Urania. I miss her the most. We didn’t talk as much as we should for twins. She helped me relearn how to sew when I lost my pointer finger. And she made up stories to keep us occupied when we still had shifts together. She learned faster than I did. She could write, sew, and cook better than I could. I want to be able to tell her thank you.

I end up passing out before dinner. I know because I wake up in pitch dark, not even a little light anywhere in the room.

I miss my house.

Suddenly I remember the grief of losing my brother.

I don’t know why. We weren’t super close. He spent most of his time working. I don’t remember him very much, either. I haven’t thought too hard about any of it since it happened, and it’s all flooding back into me the moment I need it the least.

I need to go back to sleep. If I remember right, there’s training tomorrow. Or at least an interview. Something.

I can’t focus on anything. My hands are shaking, holding my apron, when I realize the tears in my eyes are about to fall. I want to stop and use my apron to wipe them away, just like mom used to do, but I can’t get my arms to move.

And I’m just sitting there.

I feel everything and nothing at the same time, I can’t get the tears out but I don’t want them out either. I’m scared that if they go they’ll never stop, and I’ll shed my last tear rather than my last breath in the arena.

I don’t know anything other than I’m going to die. I’m gonna die and I won’t go home.

Cecelia did it. I know she survived, so I have a chance.

I try to think positive, but all I’m reminded of with every bump of the tracks is how every other girl my age has thought the same thing, and every single time they’ve been wrong. The chances are one in twenty four. I have none.

I miss my family. My mom and her mediocre meals. My twin and her blue eyes, one smaller than the other on one side. My baby sister and her loud yelling every morning when we had to go to work.

I even miss my brother and his brown hair.

It’s nothing like the rest of ours. He got it from his dad, I think. Everyone else has black hair.

I want my family to be proud of me for something. That’s what his memory gives me to think of instead.

It’s then that I decide, sitting on the bed with my tears.

I may not win, but I’ll at least try and get close. I’ll get the most food, hide the best, run the fastest.

…

Will my family be watching when I die?