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Chapter Text

It was right there…right in front of her gloved hand…reaching as hard as she could for the door handle…

The stench of antiseptic and cleanliness stung her nose, causing her to squirm. She cracked her eyes open slightly and, being blinded by the fluorescent bulbs above her, had her closing them with a grimace. Her throat hurt and her tongue was dry against the roof of her mouth. She tried shifting again but felt dozens of tugs in her arms and she stilled.

“Go, go!” Jax panted behind her, practically shoving her through the door that was labelled “Pomni”.

A shadow appeared in front of her eyelids and she cracked them open, only to be obliterated by a flashlight shining directly into her eyes.

“Ma’am? Ma’am can you hear me?”

She wanted to bat the light away but found she couldn’t move.

“Ma’am can you tell me what your name is?”

“Wait, Jax,” She put a hand on his arm, stopping them in their tracks. “What if I can’t find you again? What if this is the very last time I’ll ever see you? What if-”

“We don’t have time for that Pomni, this place is falling apart as we speak. We need to get back to the real world, to Earth or whatever.”

She pressed her chapped lips together and a puff of air came out, but nothing else. The flashlight was still shining in her eyes, and she flinched away. She wished she could burrow somewhere dark, like Kinger’s pillow fort. Somewhere away from all these bright lights and strange smells.

“P-pomni…” she tried again. Shapes were starting to form in her vision, and she could just make out the face of a nurse who pursed her lips together at her response. The nurse looked up and muttered something she didn’t quite catch to another figure in scrubs.

Pomni’s hand trembled where it was gripping onto Jax’s arm, not yet ready to let go.

“I-I know that but…but I…what if I’m not ready?”

Another boom shook the ground, causing Pomni to fall into him.

Jax grabbed onto both of her arms and shook her slightly, kneeling down to be on her level.

“Listen Pom-pom, I don’t know a whole lot about fate and destiny and whatever but if we found a way to be together here maybe we knew each other out there. Maybe it won’t be as bad as you think, the way it wasn’t as bad here in the circus after some time. Whatever, my point is, I'll find you out there. I promise. There…” Jax trailed off and glanced off to the side, a bit bashful. Pomni held her breath. Jax met her eyes again before saying, “There won’t be a day I won’t search for you.”

“What’s going on?” She forced the words out but they came out slurred. “Where’s everyone?” She tried to sit up but grunted at the tugging in her arms and a gentle but firm hand led her back down on the bed.

Pomni felt her eyes and nose sting with unshed tears and without thinking she had her arms wrapped tight around Jax’s neck, who held her tight in a crushing hug. When they separated, he brought a hand up to her cheek to gently thumb away a tear that had leaked out of the corner of her eye. Suddenly, Jax yanked open the door, unceremoniously shoved her through and-

She gasped suddenly, chest heaving, eyes frantically scanning the ceiling. There were more voices all around her and the light was bright, bright, bright. There was an incessant beeping noise from right behind her head that was only getting quicker the more she was awake, and it was making her agitated. She tried to sit up again but this time the hands were quicker, more aggressive, and there were more of them that pinned her down.

“Syringe,” she heard someone say, and she thrashed again.

“W-wait, wait, what about Jax, where’s Jax?” A pinch in her arm but she barely felt it. The hands continued to hold her down. “A-and Kinger and Ragatha and…and…” Her tongue felt heavy in her mouth and someone pulled the blanket up higher on her chest. Her eyes slid shut and for once her mind was devoid of dreams, of purple faces with bunny ears, of glowing butterflies or of red ribbons.

_____

When she finally came to again, the lights had dimmed and she was alone. There were significantly less IVs in her arm this time and she was able to sit up slightly. Her eyes felt crusty and her head felt like it was filled with iron. When she was finally able to sit up and take stock of her room, her gaze fell on the VR headset that was lying on the table on the other side of the room. The beeping behind her head picked up again and a thousand images ran through her head. A circus, a butterfly, a gun, a softball game, a monster-

Moments later, the door entered again and two women entered. One was a shorter stockier woman with long dark hair and olive skin, and the other wore teal scrubs and was holding a clipboard.

“Oh Christine, honey, you’re finally awake,” the short woman whispered with tears in her eyes. She came to the side of the bed and gently wrapped her arms around her as best as she could. The woman’s perfume was slightly sweet but there was another scent stuck to her clothing that reminded her of some distant place from far away.

The woman wearing scrubs looked down at her clipboard and flipped some papers up.

“How are you feeling?” she asked.

Christine? The name bounced around in her head as the nurse fiddled around with the equipment near the hospital bed. Pomni didn’t reply, and instead stroked the back of one of her hands with her fingertips.

Skin. Real, human skin. Not synthetic, not digital, not plastic, not rubber. Human flesh, with hot blood running through her veins and arteries, supplied by a pumping heart that kept her alive. There was a pang in her abdomen and Christine grimaced, flinching at how aggressive the feeling was. Her stomach felt hollow. Hungry. Food. She ran her tongue over her teeth, her mouth still dry.

“Can I have some water?” she managed to rasp. The nurse left the room, leaving Pomni and the dark haired woman alone. She was gently stroking her hair, and hadn’t pulled her eyes away from her once.

“Christine, do you remember me?” The woman, who she now recognized as her mother, asked her. Pomni tilted her face up to look at her, the wrinkles in the corners of her eyes, the tears gathering on her real lashes, the small streaks of white in her hair.

“Hi, mom,” she said weakly, and it was all her mother could do not to collapse over her with relief that her daughter was finally awake.

The nurse returned with a small water cup and Pomni gulped it down immediately. She held the cup in her hands, trembling. She had almost forgotten what water felt like, and had thought that she would never be able to experience drinking it again. Pomni hiccuped, tears welling up and falling from her eyes. She held the cup out for more but the nurse took it from her hand and placed it on the table, next to the VR headset, and returned to checking her vitals.

“Can you tell me when your birthday is?” she asked.

“July 18th, 2000,” Pomni replied immediately, and blinked. Well that was good wasn’t it? Recognizing her mother, remembering her birthday? Although she knew all those things in the circus already. The circus.

Her mother slid her hand into hers and rested her other hand on top. Her skin was warm, so warm, so unlike Ragatha’s plush doll hands or Gangle’s ribbons or Jax’s-

Pomni gripped her mother’s hand as tight as she could, what with the IVs in her arm still and being weak so soon from waking up.

“Wh-what happened?” She was almost scared to ask. Her mother spared a glance at the nurse for permission before shifting in her chair a bit.

“Well…a few weeks ago you had gone off to explore another one of those abandoned buildings that you liked so much. I guess whichever building you had wanted to see was popular among people like you, so we had gotten a call from the hospital saying someone had found you and you had put some headset on that wouldn’t come off and-” her mother broke off, pressing her knuckles to her mouth. “I’m just so happy that you’re awake, you had me scared to death,” she whispered.

Pomni’s vision blurred as tears rushed to her eyes. She stared at her hands, her real human hands, curled up in her lap. The flimsy hospital gown crinkled under her touch. She couldn’t believe she was back to the real world. The digital circus was gone. She was probably never going to see Jax or Ragatha or Zooble or anyone ever again. She was never going to see Jax again, even though he promised, he promised-!

There was a pang in her chest and Pomni hunched over at the sudden feeling, like her heart had literally cracked in two. Her breath came in short gasps and hiccups, tears falling from her nose and dripping onto the backs of her hands. Her mother leaned in, concerned and trying to help her settle back. Pomni flinched at her touch and pushed her away.

“Christine? Christine, honey, talk to me, what’s going on?”

Pomni broke out into sobs, feeling useless as a rag doll. How was she supposed to just be okay being ripped from the circus like this? Would she ever be able to tell her mother about it? Would anyone believe her? Would they send her to a psych ward? Another hospital? In the circus she had to have faith that there would be a way home—she never thought that she’d be ripped from that place so quickly and wake up in reality. She’d had no idea what to expect of her body, or if anyone had even been taking care of it. And now she was here and she could still remember the way the walls and floor around her were flashing in and out of existence and the way the ceiling was falling-

There were doors lined up on the farthest wall of the circus and everyone was making a mad dash to it. It was loud, so loud, a mix of the screeching of microphone feedback and the sound of…well your whole world falling apart around you. Random items were glitching around and debris was crashing to the ground from the floors above. Someone (or something) had released the Gloink Queen and all her offspring were either fighting each other or running around looking for a way out.

Jax was there at her side, gripping her hand and dragging her along. She looked up at him, his face devoid of any sneers or smiles. This was running to safety. This was running for their lives. Running to their lives. Pomni glanced over her shoulder at Zooble, poor Zooble and their mismatched legs. They leaned on Gangle, the two of them hobbling as quickly as they could towards the doors, Gangle’s happy mask shattered into pieces a few paces behind them. Even further back, closer to the source of the crumbling of the circus were Ragatha and Kinger, both arguing and gesturing wildly about something. It almost looked as though Kinger was yelling at her, but Ragatha was really standing her ground. If Pomni had any more space for fear she would almost be afraid at the idea of Kinger raising his voice.

Pomni didn’t even realize that the beeping of the heart monitor had been loud again in her ear until it quieted down. Her tears had stopped running down her face and her chest, arms, and head suddenly felt heavy. The nurse stepped into view again from where she must have been checking Pomni’s vitals. She began speaking to her mother again and Pomni fought the drugs that the nurse was pumping into her veins. She had no idea what the next days or weeks would even look like, how she would reintegrate herself back into real life.

The last thing Pomni saw before the narcotics stole her away again was that cursed headset on the table at the end of the room.

Chapter Text

“And then another time I put one of those giant green caterpillars, y’know the ones I’m talking about? They’re like, huge and fat, kinda like that one from A Bug’s Life?”

“You’ve seen A Bug’s Life? Wasn’t that movie from before your generation?” Ragatha asked.

“I’m 22,” Jax scoffed. “Weren’t you literally raised in a barn?” 

Ragatha bristled. “I was not raised in a barn you pompous-”

“Quite literally raised in a barn, anyways so the caterpillar from A Bug’s Life right? I put it on a stick and I chased her around for like an hour or something. It was hilarious.” Jax leaned back on the palms of his hands and smiled a little to himself, staring out into the distance. “My mom took away my Xbox for a week but it was so worth it.” 

Pomni picked at the tassels on the pillow in her lap, periodically peeking over into Gangle’s notebook as best she could without Gangle noticing. It was late, and there were four of them that were sprawled on the couch after another one of Caine’s ridiculous adventures. Kinger was one who was early to bed, and Zooble excused themself to unwind alone after having been threatened by Caine to join everyone else on today’s excursion. Pomni was mildly surprised that Gangle was hanging out with them, and without Zooble at that, but she appreciated the extra company. Sometimes it could be hard not to feel like Jax and Ragatha were about to jump each other when it was just the two of them; having someone else’s presence as a bit of a buffer was nice. 

Gangle’s mechanical pencil stilled and she glanced at Jax suspiciously over the top of her sketchbook.

“What?” Jax huffed. “Don’t give me a lecture on being nice to sisters, this was years ago okay?” Gangle sniffed and turned back to her notebook.

“I wasn’t going to lecture you,” she said quietly. It was silent for a moment. “I have a very similar memory with my own brother.” 

Ragatha perked up. “I didn’t realize you had siblings, Gangle.” 

Gangle nodded. “Yeah I do. Just a younger brother.”

“He also chased you around with a caterpillar?” 

Gangle allowed herself a small smile before fiddling with her pencil. “Yeah he did. I can’t remember the specific day but I remember it was summer vacation too. My mom had taken away his Xbox as well.” She turned to pin Jax with her gaze who tried not to look uncomfortable. “Maybe it’s just a thing younger brothers do to older sisters.”

Pomni shrugged. “I wouldn’t know, I’m an only child.”

“I have two younger sisters,” Ragatha chimed in.

“Checks out,” Jax said immediately.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Ragatha said defensively, crossing her arms over her chest.

“Nothing at all Raggy,” he replied, hiding behind his usual grin.

Gangle’s soft voice floating up between the bickering. “I wonder what he’s up to now.” 

The group froze. 

“Y-your…brother?” Ragatha asked. Gangle nodded and hugged her knees to her chest. Fresh tears hung from the corners of her eyes and she sniffled. Jax flopped onto the floor and splayed his legs out in front of him. 

“Yeah, and my mom. I wonder how she’s doing without me.” Her voice warbled and she sniffed again, hard, a tell-tale sign that she was about to start sobbing.

Her mother. Pomni almost couldn’t imagine what anyone’s human forms looked like, much less wrap her head around the fact that they were all siblings, children…maybe lovers in their real lives. Pomni shook her head to rid herself of the idea that Jax might have a lover waiting for him on the other side of all this. She exchanged a glance with Ragatha, unsure of what to do with Gangle’s sad episodes when Zooble was absent. 

“Well, I think it’s getting late!” Ragatha gave a fake cheery chuckle and stood, brushing invisible dust off her skirt. There was no dust in the digital world. Dust was created from dead skin cells, pollen from the outdoors, hair, the fiber that sheds from clothing, and microorganisms like fungi spores and bacteria—none of which existed in the circus. “Think I’m gonna turn in for the night! See you guys in the morning!” She turned and stiffly walked away, looking more like an army toy than a doll. Gangle rose as well, clutching her sketchbook to her ribbon body. 

“I think I’ll head out too. See you guys tomorrow.” As soon as they were out of sight, Jax deflated, his ears falling to the sides of his head. 

“Talk about raining on my parade,” he said through a fake yawn. “All I was doing was talking about my sister. Didn’t ask for all that existential crap.”

“I think it was very vulnerable of you to bring up your sister,” Pomni said gently, and Jax rolled his eyes.

“Whatever,” he grumbled.

“I know you probably miss her,” she said. She didn’t receive a reply. It was quiet before he spoke again.

“Do you ever think about what’s happening to our bodies?” 

Pomni started. “What do you mean?” 

Jax hesitated. “I mean like…when we put the headsets on, what happened to our real selves afterward?” 

Pomni pressed her lips together, not completely sure of how to approach Jax in all his seriousness. “Well if we’re still here then we must also still be there.” 

Jax hummed, thinking. “I mean, are we rotting? Have we been abandoned? Are my parents and sister worried about me?” Pomni turned her gaze back to the pillow in her lap. One of her feet would have fallen asleep by now from sitting cross-legged for so long, but this was not a normal existence. All these questions Jax was asking had once kept her up for many nights long ago. Over time, she had drawn lines in her own brain of what she could question, what she could think about, what she would allow herself to remember. It was only one of the few ways she had found that made coping with this life easier. 

Jax was toeing those lines with this conversation.

“I think that depending on where we put the headsets on, someone would have found us. I mean, I put mine on in an abandoned building. I don’t remember much of the before and I certainly don’t know the after, but I can only hope that someone else had found me and I’m being kept alive somewhere.” Pomni said this to assure herself more than Jax, even if he may have also needed to hear it.

Jax looked away. “I’m not sure my sister or parents miss me,” he mumbled. Pomni winced. She didn’t want to spew fake optimism like Ragatha—“Don’t be silly, of course they miss you, you’re family!”—but she didn’t want to beat him down with pessimism. The reality was she didn’t know anything about him or his family; she would not be able to speak on their behalf here. But there had to be a seed of truth there, of course our families are missing us. Of course our coworkers are worried for us. Of course we’ll one day wake up and everything will be normal. 

But Pomni couldn’t say any of that. It would be as unrealistic as all the adventures Caine ever made them go on. In fact, Pomni found that she couldn’t say anything in the face of Jax’s sudden candor. The silence stretched on, neither of them wanting to disturb the moment. Leaving for the night would mean that the day would end and tomorrow would come, and that tomorrow would mean another day in the digital circus. 

With every day that passed, Pomni was unsure about whether she truly wanted to return to the real world. Here there was no need to work, there was no need to save money, no health problems to worry about. She didn’t have to worry about meeting deadlines or submitting a time card or embarrassing herself at the check out line in the grocery store. But to feel the sun shining on her skin, to be able to smell garlic and onion cooking down in oil, to feel the touch of her mother gently stroking her hair…everyone was missing something. For Jax, it might be that he really misses his family. Pomni’s chest ached at the thought, and let it be the last thought she had for the night

____

Pomni’s days upon waking up passed in a blur. An endless line of doctors, physical therapists, nurses and psychiatrists paraded through her little hospital room. It was difficult to focus when she was so distracted by the feeling of her skin and looking at her own hands. She now needed to use the bathroom again, she needed food, water, and sleep. All the parts that made her human—she was now able to feel them to their fullest potential, and she was so severely underprepared for it. 

Pomni cried randomly and for inconsistent amounts of times. She would yell at nurses but the next day she wouldn’t respond to anyone. She displayed severe PTSD symptoms, refusing to speak to the therapists and she would sometimes go days without eating until, after being threatened with a feeding tube, finally allowed the hospital staff to feed her. Eating was a Herculean task for Pomni. She had spent what felt like literal years without feeling hunger. Forcing herself to chew and swallow the applesauce, soup and mashed potatoes the hospital provided for her frustrated her to no end. More often than not it would reappear on her bib, and the nurses would patiently wipe the vomit away from her chin and the tears off her cheeks.

Most days were exhausting to get through—mentally, emotionally, and physically. Her mother’s worried face existed in the corner of her vision constantly, which seemed to be the thing that drained her most of all. Pomni truly didn’t want to worry her mother, and seeing her in such distress over Pomni’s state made her feel worse physically. 

And then there was therapy—so many different kinds of therapies. Pomni clammed up in the presence of the psychiatrists, but she allowed the physical therapists to mobilize her limbs, to hook her up to machines that stimulated her muscles for her, and to help her sit up and roll over. On days that were too overwhelming, she would lie on her back and stare at the ceiling. Those days the physical therapists would lightly poke her around and talk about everything and nothing at all, to fill the silence or to distract her, Pomni didn’t know. At the end of the sessions they would gently pat the back of her hand and say they looked forward to the next session. She thought it was nice to know that at least someone enjoyed her company. 

Almost every evening, Pomni’s mother sat in one of the chairs next to the hospital until a nurse came to politely dismiss her until the morning. The TV in the corner of the ceiling was on low, showing the nightly news coverage from the local station. Pomni was playing with one of the squeezy fidget balls that the physical therapist had let her keep, “To prepare your hands for occupational therapy. You might be ready to graduate soon!” he’d said. It was sticky, neon green, and had spikes all around it that she was pulling and rubbing between her fingers. Pomni’s mother was reading in the low light, occasionally flipping the pages. The night nurse briskly knocked at the door and cracked it open, announcing that it was time for her mother to leave.

“Would I be able to have just ten more minutes?” she asked. “I’m so sorry for the trouble.” The nurse closed the door. Pomni waited. She didn’t look at her mother, but waited for her to speak.

“Christine, I was wondering if I would be able to…well to talk to you,” she said. Pomni pulled at one of the spikes and let it snap back onto its body. Her mother hesitated, fiddling with the corner of her novel. She scooted the chair forward a bit to be closer to Pomni, and she took a deep breath. 

“Well I just want you to know that I love you very much and that I am always here for you. I’ve been so happy watching you come back to life, literally, these past couple weeks. Especially this week, the doctors say that you’ve been…showing improved stability and you’ve been able to eat more which has been so relieving. But…” she trailed off and wrung her hands. “The psychiatrist says that your progress has been…slow. I just want you to know that if there’s anything that you want to talk about with me you can talk to me too.” 

Pomni didn’t look at her mother but she could feel her burning gaze on her. “I didn’t know how to bring this up since I don’t know if you remember but…well for a bit when you woke up you said some things.” Pomni’s hands gripped the toy. “I don’t know what they meant or what you were talking about. Maybe you had a dream while you were in your coma, I don’t know. But when they asked for your name you said something else and you mentioned some..other people…I’m just worried that there might be more than you’re letting on.”

Pomni wanted this conversation to end immediately. “I’m fine,” she said shortly.

“I know honey, you’ve been doing really great lately but…I just want you to be able to make a full recovery and with all the symptoms you’ve been showing I just…I don’t want it to be more difficult for you than it already is.” Pomni was silent. Her mother reached for her hand.

“Christine…” Pomni flinched at her name, pulling her hand away. She turned her body slightly away from her mother and tried to curl into a fetal position as best as she could. 

“I’m doing the best I can,” she muttered.

“Sweetheart of course you are but if there’s anything I can do to help, just tell me what it is,” her mom pleaded.

“Just take my hand!” Ragatha shouted over the din, and Pomni reached out as hard as she could. The moped she was riding slipped on the snowy asphalt, and the portal back to the circus was quickly approaching. Behind her was Jax who had somehow slung Kinger over his shoulders and was holding the pieces of Gangle’s happy mask at the same time, while also trying to steer his own moped. Gangle was next to him, tears flying out behind her while holding Zooble’s head. Chasing them were three giant digital mammoths. One had a jagged tusk that broke when Zooble launched a spear at it, another had a comically small top hat, and the third was being directed by a monkey that was seated on its forehead. 

“God can this thing go any slower?” Jax grunted, practically choking the throttle by how far forward he was throwing it. 

“Maybe if you grew wings we could fly into the portal!”

“Shut it Kinger.”

Pomni had finally latched onto Ragatha’s hand and, with all the strength this world allowed, threw her headfirst into the portal. She tumbled head over heels for a bit before coming to a stop on her stomach. She groaned at the impact, the snow having melted into water droplets that dripped down her face and onto the floor. Gangle, holding Zooble’s head, came flying in after, followed by Ragatha, Jax, and Kinger. The mopeds vanished and the three of them landed in a heap on the ground.

“Welcome back my meowing milk maids!” Caine greeted them cheerfully.

“I told you to never call us that again,” came Jax’s muffled reply from the bottom of the pile of bodies. Gangle helped Ragatha and Kinger detangle themselves from the heap, and Pomni towered over a one disgruntled Jax lying on the ground with his arms over his eyes. Snickering to herself, she offered a hand to help him sit up. He cracked an eye open to look at her but didn’t move. 

“Does the meowing milk maid need any help?” Pomni giggled. Jax sat up so they were about the same height and tossed the pieces of Gangle’s mask to her.

“The meowing milk maid does not concern himself with the aftermath of the adventures,” he replied, and Pomni doubled over laughing. With a start, she realized that she had actually enjoyed the day, and the company of the people she was with. She enjoyed being back in the circus, away from the adventure, where she had a room and friends that she could talk to. 

Jax took her outstretched hand and together they walked over to join the rest of the gang in the lounge area. 

Pomni blinked and curled further into herself. She rubbed at her face, roughly clawing through her hair, almost pulling out chunks of it. She was never going back. She would never see them again. No psychiatrist or doctor or mother would ever understand what she went through in the circus. No one except Gangle and Zooble and Ragatha and Kinger and-

“Give me the headset,” Pomni growled. Her mother stood and slowly made her way to the table where the VR headset sat during the day. She put a hand on it and looked back at Pomni on her hospital bed, her face etched with worry. 

“Christine you’ve slept with this almost every night-”

“Just give it to me!” she shrieked, her body heaving with sobs. She would never, never again feel Jax’s body next to her, or sit with Kinger under the stars, or take a walk with Ragatha after breakfast. Pomni’s mother handed her the headset and she snatched it from her. She curled up on her side and clutched it to her chest, pulling the pathetic sheet the hospital provided for her over her head. A gentle hand rested on her shoulder, making her cry harder. Crying like Gangle, sweet, caring Gangle who I’ll never see again—  

Pomni began to wail when the nurse finally came to take her mother away. She made her calm down enough to force her nightly meds into her, and then she was finally left alone in the hospital room with her stupid memories and her stupid PTSD and her stupid pills and no friends.   

Chapter Text

Recovery after the conversation with her mother was not easy or kind to Pomni. She refused to speak to any kind of mental health professional—any time they gave her crayons and paper she would only draw her memories of the circus. She knew they were disturbing, she knew she was only delaying her discharge, but drawing helped her keep her friends alive. It was getting to a point where Pomni began to believe that maybe it was all in her head. The only thing that proved the digital circus’s existence was the headset she slept with every night. Holding it in her hands reminded her that every human, every AI, every NPC, had been real, at least to her, and that she had spoken to and interacted with all of them.

At night when she was well enough, Pomni wandered up and down the halls. She imagined she was a phantom sent to haunt the hospital. It was almost impossible for her to grasp the idea that any one of the people in the building—patient, nurse, security guard—could have been the one to put on that headset instead of her. The curse of her memories of the time in the circus felt like a heavy weight that she dragged around with her, and she was surprised that she didn’t wake anyone with all the noise that rattled around in her brain.

The psychiatrist heard it though. 

“Can you color where in your body you’re feeling your emotions today Christine?” he asked her. He was a nice enough man, relatively young with a thick head of brown hair, not at all what she would have imagined when she thought of a psychiatrist. He wore informal clothes “to try to encourage a more relaxed environment.”

“I would have never been allowed to wear that at my old job,” Pomni had said once without thinking, and he brightened at the fact that she had interacted with him at all.

“Your job? What did you do for work?” 

And then she was angry. Angry that she had opened up to him for a moment, angry that he visited her hospital room and she had no control over it, angry that she had to be here in the first place, angry that she felt like the only person in the world who knew about the digital circus. Pomni wanted to tell him that this was stupid and pointless and that he would only waste his time with her. There were people in the hospital with real issues that had woken up from real comas that needed real help. She was not one of those people, she was fine, and everything about her was perfectly sane. There was nothing she needed from this man.

And so she told him as much. 

“Y’know Christine,” the psychiatrist said, “We are not legally required to keep you here.” 

Pomni knew this. 

“The only reason we wouldn’t be able to discharge is if you are threatening to harm yourself or others.”

Pomni knew this too.

“Are you having any thoughts of self harm or of hurting others?”

Not unless it’s Caine. But it didn’t matter—Caine wasn’t here anymore, nor was he even a real person.

“No,” she said. He laid his pen down on his notebook and flipped it shut. 

“Well then Christine I am happy to inform you that you will be free to go as soon as we get the proper paperwork in place.”

He gave Pomni a small smile. She did not return it.

“So that’s it? You’ll just let me go even though my brain scans don’t look normal and I’ve been scheduled to meet with you for the rest of the month?” He shrugged, unfazed by her outburst.

“You will always have a choice in life Christine. If you believe that you have sufficiently recovered from your coma then there is nothing I can say or do to stop you.” He shuffled around for something in his flannel pocket and rose from his seat. He paused at the table that held the headset and laid something next to it. “As my patient, I’ll always want what is best for you. I’ll leave you my business card, just in case there is ever anything that you would like to discuss.”

Pomni watched as he left the room, and continued to stare at the door long after it shut behind him, not moving. A nurse came and asked her to read and sign on some lines. Pomni signed the papers and after getting approval from all her other therapists, doctors, techs, and whoever else had been responsible for her for the last couple weeks, was finally in the car on her way home.

Or, more accurately, her house. Home for Pomni was still her room in the circus. She held the headset in her lap and watched the trees and houses fly by.

“Well honey we’re here!” her mom said excitedly, putting the car in park. “Welcome home!” Pomni stepped out of the car wearing real clothes for the first time since she woke up, some old sweats and a t-shirt she earned for participating on the debate team for a year back in high school. Which, literally felt like twenty years ago, even though, after she thought about it for a moment, technically had only been ten.

Nothing about the entry way had changed, and it was muscle memory that had her reaching for the banister, skipping the step that creaked, trailing her hand on the wall all the way to her room at the end of the hall. It was also unchanged. Her bed was made, there were no clothes on the floor and all her figurines, stationary and hygiene products were still on her dresser. Just where she had left them all. 

Seeing her old room again made Pomni feel like she was in a dream. Like the circus was reality and any minute she would wake up from this world and find herself back with all the ultra-saturated colors and glitch-prone NPCs.  

In the time that she had left a small film of dust covered her belongings.

“I tried to keep it tidy and clean but I couldn’t bring myself to touch anything if you weren’t here,” came her mother’s voice from behind her, startling her. “I…I didn’t know if you were going to—when you were going to wake up.”

Pomni didn’t know what to say to that, so she said nothing. 

Being blasted with her previous life and home all at once made her knees weak, and she leaned against the doorframe, dropping her chin to her chest.

“I’m tired,” she whispered. She felt her mother’s gentle hand on her shoulder. 

“Let me help you to bed.”

“No, I want to do it myself.” 

Her mother hesitated. “Of course honey. Just let me know if you need anything.” 

Pomni shut the door behind her and stumbled to her desk, fumbling for her seat. She dropped her head to her arms, cradling the headset, and felt something poking the crease in her hip. Annoyed and slightly winded, she reached down and pulled out the psychiatrist’s business card. 

Dr. Brian Lemmings, MD

Huh. He had a name now. She flipped it to the back where the hospital’s logo stared up at her. 

Pomni dropped the business card into the empty wastebin by her desk. Without changing her clothes, she crawled into her bed, the sheets clean and soft. She burrowed under the blanket, made space for the headset, and drifted off to sleep.

____

The days that followed Pomni’s return home were uneventful. She had gained enough strength back that she could walk to the kitchen and back, but that was about it. Her appetite was still delicate so she stuck to soft foods and liquids. 

Her mother fretted over her on the days she returned to work. 

“Now just call me if you ever need anything, okay? And don’t leave the house without telling me, I just want to make sure you’re safe.”

Pomni left the house anyway.

Her body had spent weeks in a hospital bed and her mind had spent what could have been years in a different world; after all the horror she’d been through she’d be damned if she required permission to go outside.

The late October wind was finding its way in between all the cracks and crevices of Pomni’s jacket, so eventually she just left it at home. She liked shivering, liked the way the chill snuck underneath the neckline of her jacket and left her knuckles bright red. She liked the way her fingers felt numb and would watch as she ran her hands under slightly-hotter-than-lukewarm water and felt the way they tingled as the blood rushed back into them. In the digital circus she didn’t feel cold or hot, hunger or thirst. Now that she was back in real life Pomni wanted to feel all of it, as much as she could. 

Children ran around on the playground after school, mothers brought their toddlers mid-morning and stood with their other mother friends, chatting and laughing. The sound of the school kids laughing rang in Pomni’s ears long after she left and headed home. Pomni would stand on the far edge of the field, unmoving—watching, listening, feeling. She would look at the playground equipment, the once colorful paint now dulled and chipping in some places, exposing the steel beams. She wondered if she had slowly scratched away at the walls back in the circus would she find steel beams too or would a series of 0s and Is be revealed to her.  

One day, one of the children ran up to her and looked at her quizzically. He couldn’t have been older than six years old.

“Hi lady,” he greeted her, a little breathless from running all the way to her.

“Hi.”

“Are you homeless?” he asked her bluntly, in the way that young children do. Pomni allowed herself to smile at him.

“No but it feels like it sometimes.”

“Where are your friends?”

“I’m not sure,” she replied truthfully.

“They don’t want to play with you anymore?”

“Something like that.” 

“You could be my friend!” he exclaimed, and reached for her hand. Pomni allowed him to take it, feeling the way her palm engulfed his little one.

“Christopher!” Pomni heard a woman shout, and glanced up to see a middle aged woman storming towards her. “Come here this instant! Get away from the—” She stopped short when she made eye contact with Pomni, but Pomni heard her unspoken words. The freak. The weirdo. That homeless woman that stands at the park and watches kids play.

Quickly averting her eyes she snatched what Pomni assumed to be her son’s other hand and pulled her away.

“Come back tomorrow. We can play then!” the boy called to her, full of hope as his mother dragged him away. Feeling dismissed, Pomni turned to begin the hike back home but allowed herself to look behind her one last time. The mother that had pulled her son away was leaning into another woman’s face, speaking quietly, both of them glaring at her. When they realized Pomni was looking at them they squared their shoulders and turned back to the playground to watch the children. 

Pomni didn’t return to the playground.

Weeks crept by. Pomni’s mother encouraged her to apply for a job, a low effort part-time gig that wouldn’t be too stressful on her mind or body. She had nothing better to do so she landed a job at the local movie theater where she swept spilled popcorn after movies, wiped down counters and restocked the candy shelves. Pomni would stand in the corner and watch with fascination as groups of friends, couples and families came in to watch the films. These people led perfectly normal lives, and worked perfectly normal jobs. They never had to watch in real time someone’s life be revealed to them that it was a lie or see someone glitch out against a wall ten minutes after meeting them, helpless to do something after having seen them be attacked by a shape-less eye monster. They’d never been chased by a horrifying floating head and stood next to someone as they flipped between losing their mind and being completely lucid.

At the end of the day, people watching reminded Pomni that she was still as human as everyone else, regardless of what she had gone through that others didn’t. She still felt the unfairness of it all, knowing that nobody she walked past had to hold a battered VR headset to fall asleep or that none of them had had their very existence ripped from them, twice now. But there wasn’t much she could do to fight it. All she could do was take one pill in the morning that kept the darkness away, and one at night that allowed the darkness in, and wait for time to pass.

Chapter Text

As the calendar moved through the fall and into December, time was not kind to Pomni. Even with so few hours spent working, she still grew restless at the theater and irritated by the people around her. More often than not she would find her way into back rooms, old hallways, running into anyone—kids that also were exploring, parents that got lost, couples looking for clandestine places in public because they couldn’t wait until they got home. 

On a particularly blustery and dreary day, Pomni woke up to a pounding headache. Her bones still ached sometimes and it would make everything else hurt too. Her mother still didn’t trust her enough to drive and took the responsibility of dropping her off at the theater on the few days that she was scheduled to come in, and she was there waiting for her when her shift was over. 

“Is there anything you want me to get for you after work?” she shouted from out the window. Pomni shook her head. “Okay have a good day! I love you honey!”

Pomni stood unmoving and watched as the car drove off. As she turned to walk into the theater someone shoved her, almost knocking her on her ass in a cold puddle that was lying in a dip in the sidewalk. She caught herself at the last second, falling on her hand instead. Pomni winced at the feeling of the gravel embedding itself in the palm of her hand. After a moment did she realize there was a sharp pain shooting up her wrist. She was still getting used to the fact that she could be hurt now in real life, and that shock hurt more than the shock of the pain in her hand. 

The man muttered something under his breath and kept moving. Pomni stood on shaky legs and brushed herself off. Trying to stand up straight and be positive about clocking into her shift, she found she just couldn’t do it today. Without caring about the consequences, she turned on her heel and started walking the direction the man had come from to avoid potentially running into him again. The winter winds were cold enough where for her safety Pomni had started wearing a jacket, but a small flimsy one at best. Snow had yet to appear on the ground, and if she was honest she was a little excited at the idea of seeing and feeling real snow again. And the more she thought about it the more excited she was at the fact that she was excited about something.

Pomni found herself in front of a used bookstore, the door surrounded by twinkling lights to inspire the Christmas spirit in the customers in spite of the lack of snow on the ground. Using her non-injured hand, Pomni pushed the door open and allowed the warm air to wash over her. The scent of paper and books made her wrinkle her nose for just a second as she blew into her cupped hands to warm up her fingers. The shop was small, and there was a kind, round-faced employee at the front who greeted her. Soft Christmas jazz could be heard trickling from the speakers, and Pomni admired the tinsel that was strung up on the shelves as she paced the aisles, clutching her injured wrist to her chest.

In the fantasy aisle, Pomni searched up and down the shelves for anything that may have echoed even a little bit of her life in the circus. She was scanning the lower shelves, deep in concentration when she bumped into something, hard.

“Oh!” she exclaimed, turning around. “Excuse me I wasn’t…” 

Pomni trailed off. She had bumped into a girl that was sitting in a wheelchair. She had light brown skin with dark unsmiling eyes, and hair that fell in two thick braids. The girl was holding several manga volumes and wore a plaid green skirt. She stared somberly at Pomni. 

Each of her braids was tied with a bright red ribbon.  

“I wasn’t watching where I was going,” Pomni finished lamely.

“That’s okay,” the girl replied softly. “I was in the way anyway.”

“No, no, no!” Pomni was quick to reassure her. “I should’ve been more aware of my surroundings.” Pomni side-stepped the girl to let her pass but she did not move. It was silent for another moment.

“What happened?” the girl addressed her hand. Pomni looked down, almost forgetting that she was holding her limp wrist.

“Oh someone pushed me over on the way here. I’m actually supposed to be at work right now.”

“I think you should get that checked out.”

“I’m kind of sick of doctors at the moment,” Pomni admitted, and immediately cringed at herself, annoyed that she let something so personal slip to a complete stranger.

“Me too,” the girl said. Pomni’s eyes widened.

“Oh my god no I’m so sorry I didn’t mean…I just…”

The girl’s shoulders shook a little, and Pomni let out a sigh of relief when she realized the girl was actually laughing at her.

“I was just teasing.” She turned to inspect the bookshelves, trying to politely end the interaction, but without thinking Pomni said, “I like your ribbons.”

The girl’s lips twitched a little, the faintest ghost of a small as she lifted a frail hand to touch them.

“Thank you,” she whispered.

“I had a friend that…that really liked red ribbons,” Pomni said before she could stop herself. Her stomach dropped as the words hung in the air. It was the first time she had ever spoken about the circus out loud since she had woken up. She was instantly angry at herself for revealing it to her stranger, even if she had no clue what Pomni was referring to.

The girl nearly snapped her neck to look up at her, causing Pomni to take a small step back in surprise. She peered into face, really looking at her for the first time since they started speaking. Her eyes narrowed slightly in suspicion as she gave Pomni a once over.

“I don’t…I don’t talk to her anymore,” Pomni gasped, as if that clarified anything, trying to find some way to salvage the turn in this conversation. Her palms were sweating and her skin was crawling—she didn’t like the way this girl looked at her with such scrutiny. No one had given her much thought since she woke up; suddenly grasping someone’s full attention had her immediately wanting to be removed from the conversation. 

Pomni was saved by a figure coming around the corner, or so she thought. A boy, a little bit younger than she and clearly the girl’s sister if their similarities in features were any indicator, was walking toward them, holding some books. 

“They didn’t have anymore My Hero volumes, Ribbons. Guess it ended when we were gone.”

The boy stopped abruptly when he noticed that Pomni was standing there, but she had heard him loud and clear. 

“I didn’t realize you had…made a friend.” He said, almost hesitantly.

The girl shrugged and reached a hand out to take whatever the boy was holding. Pomni noticed she was trembling just a bit, but she wasn’t sure if it was because of whatever her reason was for being in the wheelchair or because of her conversation with Pomni.

“It’s just some of the Attack on Titan volumes you’re missing.”

“Thank you, Jack,” the girl said, making Pomni flinch. She almost could’ve sworn she was going to say—

Pomni shook her head to clear it and almost missed the girl saying, “My name is Elizabeth but you can call me Eli.” 

“I’m Po—Christine,” Pomni replied, biting her lip at her slip. If the sibling duo in front of her heard, they didn’t show it. “It’s nice to meet you.”

The boy, Jack, was ready to leave and made to wheel his sister away. Pomni stepped aside to make room for him, but he didn’t look at her, didn’t even acknowledge that she was there. She watched as they walked toward the exit, the boy saying something to the girl. While waiting for the automatic door to fully open, Jack glanced behind his shoulder. Pomni, who had been watching them the entire time they walked away, locked eyes with him. Even when the door opened, he still didn’t move until Eli looked up at him. Craning her neck, she twisted to locate what it was her brother was looking at that was distracting him from pushing her through the door. She met Pomni’s gaze, and lifted one of her frail hands in a small wave. Pomni waved back and Jack whipped around and quickly pushed his sister out the door into the flurry storm outside.  

As Pomni followed suit several minutes later, she was unable to shake the déjà vu feeling from her skin that she somehow already knew those people. Eli’s ribbons, the same shade as Gangle’s body. Jack calling her “Ribbons”. Eli holding a bunch of manga volumes. It was ridiculous, Pomni knew. After all, it was nearing Christmas and the girl had been wearing a green skirt. Maybe she just really liked being in the holiday spirit. And maybe younger brothers just called their older sisters names.

Maybe it’s just something younger brothers do to older sisters.

Pomni wouldn’t allow this one-off interaction to rattle her. She knew she was looking for signs of the circus everywhere, and she had never been one to look for hidden messages or patterns in daily life. She did not want to start now. 

As she ambled aimlessly down the street, Pomni stopped abruptly when she realized that not only did she leave the store without a book but she completely forgot that she had work and that her mother was supposed to pick her up. She glanced at her phone to check the time, wondering if she would be able to get back to the theater before her mother did. Wait, where even was she?

Before Pomni could lift her head to check her surroundings, someone barrelled into her from behind, causing her to pitch forward head first, her phone flying from her hand. She tucked her arms to her chest to prevent spraining her other wrist or from damaging her already injured one more, and fell flat on the concrete. The side of her head smacked the ground and she let out a groan of pain. There was a shuffling of feet and Pomni tried to lift herself with her good hand. Dazedly, she tried to stand but arms circled her waist and dragged her off the sidewalk and into an alley. 

It was mid-afternoon by now, the sky further shadowed by the clouds that brought the snow flurries, hiding the early rising moon. The only light in the dark alley Pomni was pulled into was from a street lamp several yards away. A man was at her back and shoving her front against the wall. There were hands that were all over her, gripping her clothes, searching for something. She didn’t know what it was the man was searching for—she did not carry belongings and did not have any money, but he didn’t know that. Nor did he probably care. 

Pomni was dizzy from being shoved up against a wall so soon after falling on the ground. Her ears rang as she tried to get her bearings. The sound of muffled voices far away filtered into the alley, and another man appeared in the corner of her vision. 

“I have her phone,” she heard him say distantly. She didn’t care. Let him take the phone. Then, the smallest bit of light glinted off something in his hand. 

A pocket knife.

Pomni squeezed her eyes shut as the man’s hands on her body stopped searching and crossed over into wandering. Behind her eyelids all she could see was the blade in the man’s hand.

But it’s just an adventure. Nothing can happen, the worst fate I have is glitching out. Caine will help me in the end and then…and then—

Pomni’s blood ran cold as the chilly brick cut into her cheek, causing it to sting. No doubt she was bleeding. 

Panic bloomed in her stomach.

This was not an adventure.

The knife could hurt her, actually damage her body.

The man could kill her, if he wanted to.

This was not the circus anymore. This was real life.

Pomni began to thrash in her captor’s grip, trying to push him off of her. But her strength had not yet returned. She was still weak from the coma and her brain was still muddled from her fall.

“Help,” she called out weakly, and the man shoved her harder up against the wall. Pomni winced at the angle her arms were being gripped behind her, and the shooting pain from her sprained wrist.

“Help me! Somebody help!” 

“Shut up!” The man shook her, but Pomni’s voice was getting louder.

“Please help!” 

A gloved hand reached around her head and covered her mouth, yanking her head back. Not knowing what else to do, Pomni went completely limp in the man’s arms, causing him to fall forward and hit the wall. She sagged to the ground, her hands finally freed, and she tried to crawl to the alley entrance. But she forgot about the other man waiting for her.

Pomni craned her neck up to look at her other assailant. He was wearing a mask over his mouth, his beanie pulled low so all she could see were his eyes.

The man hooked a foot under her armpit and flipped her onto her back, tucking her phone into his pocket. 

Pomni was too tired to fight back. She laid there and tried to drift off into some place far away, somewhere where there were bright lights and confetti and fake food, and hoped that when she opened her eyes again then she would be there.

Suddenly, she heard a dull smack, and a grunt, and the man fell to the ground. The first man, the one who had pinned her to the wall, shouted something and ran out of Pomni’s peripheral. What sounded like a short brawl ensued, followed by the sound of another body hitting the ground. Pomni tried to roll to her side to curl into a ball as footsteps approached her but she couldn’t move. A tear silently rolled down the side of her face into her ringing ear. 

The crown of a head appeared. 

“Are you okay?” the person asked softly. Pomni read their lips more than she heard them speak. Her vision was slightly blurry from her tears but she could just make out a tuft of spiky pink hair with yellow tips.

“I think so,” Pomni croaked.

“Can you move? Did they hurt you?”

Pomni tried to shake her head but thought the better of it. She wiggled her fingers and toes and found no pain save for her wrist.

“Jesus that scared the shit out of me,” the person said when they finally deduced that Pomni wasn’t bleeding out or anything. “I had just turned the corner when I heard you scream.”

“Thank you.”

“Eh, don’t mention it,” her savior waved her off. “Here let’s get you away from here.”

The stranger helped Pomni sit up first, and Pomni clutched their shoulders, feeling a wave of vertigo hit her.

“I fell and hit my head,” she explained, and the person frowned.

“Might have to get that checked out. Could be a concussion.”

Pomni sighed and closed her eyes, slumping against the person to catch her breath. They had an arm to support her under her shoulders, and Pomni was now able to get a better look at the person who rescued her. Their eyes were actually heterochromatic, one more blue, the other more hazel-gold, and they had a smattering of light freckles across the bridge of their nose. They appeared slightly younger than Pomni which would’ve made her feel a little pathetic if this person hadn’t just saved her life.

By now the ringing in Pomni’s ears had deadened and she was starting to tremble from the cold and the trauma of what had almost transpired. She glanced down and gasped slightly.

“You’re bleeding!” The stranger looked at their knuckles and shook their hand out slightly, carelessly wiping the back of their hand on their pants.

“No big deal. I’ve been through worse.”

“One of them took my phone,” Pomni whispered. The stranger helped her get propped up against a wall and then searched the men’s pockets, turning up with a phone with a shattered screen. When she tried to turn it on, streaks of bright green light exploded in her face. She grimaced and turned it off with a small sigh.

“Not the worst thing that could’ve happened,” the person said, trying to be optimistic.

“Not the worst thing that has happened,” Pomni muttered. There was an awkward silence as the stranger helped her to her feet.

“Do you want to head to the police station?”

“Not worth it,” Pomni said as she leaned on them for support. “Just wanna go home.”

Together they did their best to quickly make their way back to the bookstore. It was a little difficult because the person who was trying to support her also seemed to have a limp of their own, but from what, Pomni had no idea. When they finally reached their destination, she called her mom from the phone in the store. She was frantic the whole time on the other line, in tears and worried sick that her daughter wasn’t at work when she went to pick her up, and even more concerned when she found out that she had never even shown up for her shift. Pomni felt a twinge of remorse at having put her mother in such a state. She was dimly aware that this night had probably caused her to lose all the small privileges she’d had thus far but she put it out of her mind for now.

The pink haired person that saved her insisted on staying with her until she got picked up. 

“Don’t you have school or work or something tomorrow?” Pomni asked them. “You don’t have to hang around and babysit me.”

“Dude you almost got mugged or worse. I can’t make you call the police but if I can stay with you to see that you get picked up then I’ll be happy. It’s a…thing of mine I guess.”

Pomni couldn’t argue with that. 

When her mother finally arrived, hands trembling and cheeks stained with tears, Pomni couldn’t bring herself to tell her everything that had taken place. She admitted to ditching work and explained that she had slipped on some ice and hit her head. someone had helped her out and taken her somewhere warm.

Her mother was shaking the stranger’s hand, whose face was flushing a deeper red with every pump of their hand.

“Thank you so so much for helping my daughter, it means the world to me.”

“Ahh it’s really no problem lady.”

“What was your name again?”

The stranger hesitated for a moment before replying.

“Zoe.” 

“Thank you again Zoe. Christine has just had such a hard time since recovering from her coma, it’s always good to know that there are good Samaritans like you looking out for others!”

“Mom!” Pomni said indignantly, putting her aching head in her hands. She didn’t have the energy to be annoyed, but airing out her personal business was just awkward.
With her hands covering her eyes though, she missed the sharp glance that Zoe shot to her at the mention of a coma.

“It’s no problem again I’m…no stranger to comas so.”

“Oh no! I’m terribly sorry I didn’t mean to bring up anything traumatic.”

“Nah it’s all good. I’m over it now.”

When Pomni had finally gotten her mother out of the horrendously awkward goodbye with Zoe and the two of them were loaded in the car, she couldn’t help but watch her savior as they drove away. 

Their strange limp, the color of their hair, their mismatched eyes…

Today was either a fever dream, an acid trip, or Pomni had been induced into another coma because there was absolutely no way that she had seen her friends out there today. She refused to give herself even a little glimmer of hope. It was best to stomp that out before it fanned into a fire that would only leave her shattered when it was put out.

When she would wholly and completely come to terms with the fact that she would never see anyone from the circus ever again.