Archive of Our Own ^beta

Bangkok is as beautiful as Tan remembers it.

Nothing about the riotous city has changed drastically. The lights, the bright signs above the roofs, the crowded slums, the people. Everything remains the same with a hint of growing modernity which never fights against the traditional lifestyle of the locals, blending altogether instead. At night, the sight becomes even more astonishing, just like shown in images from different sources to call for tourists.

Tan is lucky to witness it anew, his heartbeat proves it.

It is a tricky date to be walking around calmly, for it is Loy Krathong and people all across the country, even foreigners, find themselves making wishes nearby. He walks through the groups of people with his two suitcases, sometimes bumping on strangers’ shoulders; other times, stepping on their feet by accident and a muttered ‘sorry’ following afterwards.

Judging by the time and the cheers surrounding him, Tan shouldn’t be this quick to come back to his parents’ home, where they were waiting with open arms for their youngest son after staying six months in Khon Kaen for an internship. He ceases his hurried pace and lets himself be blown by the cool breeze that, rarely, takes presence. Wherever she wants Tan to go, he will follow with no complaint.

He stops by some local markets and eats what his pocket money allows him to with eagerness, earning some smiles from the passersby at his content sounds. It feels good to be back home, to feel one’s feet recognising the land where they grew up in and letting them sink into the rusty ground.

In the spur of the moment, Tan darts his eyes towards the Chao Phraya river and observes the endearing view: lots of couples, more than one’s fingers on both hands, walking around happily with their krathongs ready to sail. Admittedly, Tan has never had the luck to experience it firsthand — too carefree to commit to a serious relationship, only casual people here and there. Tan believes it must be a magical moment to live with a partner.

As the music gets unintelligible, he decides to approach the river, ignoring the discomfort of carrying two heavy suitcases and the humidity prickling into his skin. That gets forgotten quickly as soon as he takes a seat in the stepped grass. All he wants is to recall the good days, when the only emotions registered in his childish mind were joy and sadness. Even if sometimes the adjective is bigger for someone like him, Tan is now an adult.

All of a sudden, his thoughts are interrupted when a young man comes closer to him with a concerned expression, almost hesitant. It might be the excitement running inside his vessels, it might be the many lights surrounding the scene, but Tan swears the man in front of him is unbelievably beautiful. As if he were one of the few humans who had the luck to be touched by divinity.

“Sorry, do you know where they sell candles for khratongs? My brother accidentally broke his and he’s now pissy about it,” Tan blinks once, then twice, as if it could help him to assimilate the other’s presence. What can Tan say? Obviously something stupid, but it’s better than being helpless.

“Sure. If you walk to the markets over there, you’ll find what you’re looking for,” Tan signs with his arm, looking at the narrow streets and pointing with his index finger to somewhere ambiguously. He analyses the other’s expressions and, surprisingly, it works.

“I think I got it,” he flashes a smile towards Tan and it feels like an arrow directed to his heart, trapping the charms of a stranger inside his chest. “I’ll get there, thanks!”

When the young man disappears from Tan’s sight hurriedly, Tan can’t help but to let out a silent cackle. There was something inherently familiar about the stranger, though at the same time charming in his own manner. In that instant, he ponders if he will see him again just out of curiosity and, by the way the fireworks burst in the empty night sky, it seems that it can happen. Sooner or later, it’s fate who has the last word.

Tan can only smile and breathe in the scent of wet grass, enjoying himself and how free it feels to live modestly. Deep inside, he knows it’s time to go back home.

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Walking through the corridors of Kasetsart University should feel underwhelming, almost suffocating, yet Tan is pleased to come back to what once was his second home; where he spent most of his mornings and evenings roaming around instead of studying, as any other student who cared about their grades would do. However, he’s closer to being a graduate and the sole reason he’s there is to sign some papers to acknowledge that he has, in fact, successfully finished his stay as an intern.

All this time, he didn’t know what he was experiencing was called ‘homesickness’ until he finally saw his parents anew, bursting into tears when four arms instantly wrapped a man who used to be the littlest child into a welcoming embrace. Moreover, he doesn’t know how, when, or why Tan has grown to be more philosophical and thoughtful of what surrounds him — from his family, to the professors whom he never had the pleasure to meet in a lecture.

Perhaps, that’s the maturity all elders like to talk about or, more accurately, to scold youngsters about and fall into an endless circle of generation comparisons. Though that session of reflection disappears into thin air when a familiar voice, loud yet husky, calls out for his name among the bored, sleepy students walking by his side.

“Tan, is that you?” and Tan’s eyes can’t seem to find anyone else beside his partner-in-crime with a big grin. Phum, the one and only friend he has fond memories of. Better, the only close friend he still keeps by his side.

“Woah, Phum!” Tan waves to him, only to sprint towards his friend and trap him into a hug that reveals ‘I missed you’ somewhere, ignoring completely the whispers and giggles from the witnesses. He sighs relieved when Phum pats his back, as he had always done when they both celebrated something important.

“Man, when did you come back? Why didn’t you call me?” Phum pulls out from their hug to look at Tan from head to toe, as if he were unable to recognise the man before his eyes. It hasn’t been that long, Tan muses mentally.

“Just a couple of days ago, I didn’t have the chance to tell you properly,” he smiles at the other’s disbelief. Well, it’s not like Tan wanted to spoil the surprise for his friend. Though right now, he would have loved to meet Phum under different circumstances and not in the university at peak hours, precisely.

“You’re so unfair,” Phum hits his arm playfully, only to wrap his own on Tan’s neck. “We need to have a drink and catch up, but first we gotta go to Fang’s workplace. I promised to bring him some of his books.”

Khaofang, or, as Phum called him lovingly, Fang. A name which Tan could never put a face to. 

Admittedly, Tan is aware of the odd nature in the other’s family, for Phum’s parents were never the ones to be down for visitors to come. Much less let their children have lots of friends, they thought it would increase the danger. Pragmatic and insane, Tan thinks. Tan and Khaofang never had the luck to meet, or, at least, that’s what he likes to say because in all honesty — it upsets Tan not knowing his friend’s dearest brother, whom he always talks about to, whom he always praises in every possible moment.

“Is this a way to bribe me into inviting you because your elder brother is watching us?” Tan narrows his eyes as they direct towards Phum’s car, somewhere far from the campus, and Phum lets out a genuine smile which Tan reciprocates.

“I could have never thought of that until you said it, so now it’s a yes. Besides, Fang can get very mean if someone is being rude,” Phum wiggles his eyebrows up and down before pressing his car key, letting it emit a sound to know where he exactly parked. There’s not a day in which Phum doesn’t regret purchasing the most common car colour because, now, he has to endure seeing queues of black cars to carefully observe which brand is his.

“Want to know something?” Tan asks in a funny voice tone while Phum keeps pressing his key, smiling only when his friend hums positively. “If I didn’t know better about your parents, I would have thought your brother Fang was just part of your imagination.”

It’s Phum’s time to turn his head and judge his friend for spitting nonsense. “When we get there, please refrain yourself from saying these things out loud. He’s more sensitive than you might think.”

For some reason, that affirmation softens Tan. Just before he can formulate another sentence, Phum lets out a satisfied groan when he finally finds his precious BMW X5 which, to this day, Tan still finds absurdly too much for someone in his barely twenties. Silently, he sits on the passenger’s seat and waits for Phum to get going. Not long after the car’s engines started working, the ride is immediately filled with old rock songs which help reminisce their shared adolescence — loud singing voices and offkey tones that have never once distracted Phum from the road ahead of them.

Those little moments are what Tan keeps close to his heart, no matter how many years will pass, no matter how old he grows up.

It's Tan who first exits the car, so Phum could drive around and find a suitable parking slot nearby. Of course, with the single condition of not scaring Khaofang away as soon as he enters the place. In all honesty, he has never seen this café before, much less did he actually come around this part of the city, yet what makes Tan laugh is how protective Phum is towards his elder brother. Shouldn't he be the protected one?

"Echoes, isn't that too corny for a café?" Tan mutters to himself and shakes his head, making the bells above the door ring once he opens it.

The café isn't crowded inside, and it rather carries itself with its vintage looks because, if Tan were to talk about charms, it isn't outstanding and that explains the quietness. It's the old-fashioned style which seems to draw the attention from the locals and, surprisingly, it works well. Because it works for Tan, in any case.

The lack of employees around the café takes him aback, yet he doesn't dwell further, for all he does is to take a seat near the window to let himself drown in the grey clouds in the sky. At least, it doesn't look like it's going to rain. Instead, he likes to think that the sky is having a bad day like any other normal person would when things go wrong or unexpected.

Tan gains his composure back when he hears a loud voice yelling 'coming!' and some shifts from the other side. For some reason, there's a thrilling sensation filling his body and skin, making him almost sheepish. Thank God Phum isn't there to laugh at him, that would be definitely embarrassing.

Then, the same voice speaks anew. "Sorry, we just got new refills."

Truthfully, Tan wasn't much interested in what the employee was saying until he dared to look at him. All kinds of noises and objects fall into the second plane when Tan recognises the alluring face he had already met on Loy Krathong, wearing a black apron and a dangling earring which suits him just perfectly.

“Oh, hey,” the not-so-stranger smiles awkwardly, his voice smaller than previously. “It’s you again.”

“Hi,” for some reason, Tan is just as shy as him. Out of all the people in Bangkok, who would have guessed they would meet again? “What a surprise.”

“Indeed, the world is really small,” the unnamed young man cleans his hands on the apron and picks a small notepad from its pocket. Tan just wants to melt in the same spot because, really, the other exudes absolute beauty. “Would you like to order anything?”

Tan debates internally whether he should wait for Phum or not. “Later, I’m waiting for a friend. We’ll call you.”

There’s no later anymore, because they both direct their attention to the opening door, revealing a displeased Phum on the way with a few Architecture books, if Tan recognises them well.

“Fang! I got you what you wanted,” Phum leaves the pile of books on the counter and, suddenly, everything just makes sense in Tan’s head. “Hey, Tan, sorry for the delay.”

The familiarity Tan sensed the first time they both met, the reason why he’s the only one working in the café and, now, Phum saying his name out loud. It couldn't be the other way around.

“Is he Fang?” A speechless Tan points at the taller of the two brothers and Phum nods his head, quickly taking a seat in front of him with a hitched breathing. Meanwhile, Khaofang stays still for a few seconds, perhaps feeling judged over something he isn’t quite aware of.

“Yeah, he is. Why? Did you two quarrel?" Phum questions with a hinted mock, taking out his phone from his pocket to leave it on the table.

“No, it’s just that we have already met. On Loy Krathong, specifically,” he plays with his fingers uncomfortably, like he just shared something he wasn’t actually supposed to do. He decides to skip the part where Khaofang told him directly that Phum was angry over his broken candle, of course.

The statement shocks Phum little to nothing. “Well, now you can stop saying my brother is an invention, since you two already know each other.”

Khaofang, who was rearranging the seats, lets out a laugh once he overhears their conversation and Tan’s heart skips a beat at the sound of his laughter. “Is that true? Were you saying I’m not real, Phum?

Tan is very much ashamed. Screw his nonexistent image and reputation.

“Tan didn’t believe I had an elder brother called Khaofang,” and Phum doesn’t miss the chance to embarrass him, so Tan pretends to clear his throat to dissipate the redness invading his face.

“I never said that,” he loudly whispers with a burning face. To be more precise, he only jokingly implied it.

“It’s okay,” Khaofang says, his voice now far from them.

“See?” Phum snorts, getting distracted afterwards by the sudden honking of the klaxons outside.

Tan sees how Khaofang opens two glass sodas, which are smoothly put in a tray. Not long after that, Khaofang accompanies them with two iced glasses and carries the full tray with ease, as if he didn’t fear to see it falling from his hands.

“If it consoles you, I barely know Phum’s friends, too. For some reason, he doesn’t want me to meet them,” Khaofang states, like it’s normal to not know any of his brother’s friends. Acquaintances even. “My treat, guys.”

Tan stares at Khaofang longer than intended at their closeness and Khaofang smiles at Tan warmly, almost blushing.

“He is definitely one of a kind, you wouldn’t like to meddle with him,” Phum remarks while pouring down the drink in his glass. Tan can only sigh in defeat.

“Now you’re embarrassing me on purpose, aren’t you?” Tan defends himself. Khaofang doesn’t take away his gaze on them, not once, though Tan prefers to think he’s looking at him with the same interest.

“Maybe,” Phum just shrugs his shoulders at his friend and winks at his elder brother, who shakes his head in disbelief and greets the newly-arrived customers. “Now, spill everything. How was Khon Kaen? Did you meet someone special?”

A long day is awaiting Tan, indeed, yet Khaofang’s presence is soothing enough even if he’s not involved with them.

✦•······················•✦•······················•✦

At sixteen, Tan knew he was bisexual. Discovering his sexuality wasn’t something outworldly nor was it a terrible finding as others, unfortunately, live it. Deep inside, he was aware that he couldn’t only like women and be devoted to them for the rest of his life, yet the thought of being gay didn’t suit him either at all because it narrowed his mindset. He kissed both girls and boys during his coming of age to get a taste of what he truly likes, only to affirm what he has been suspicious of. Nothing amusing, nothing interesting.

Though he hasn’t dated anyone for a long while and he’s now way older than sixteen, so he must confess that he’s somewhat achillean at the end of the day. To deny that women are more intelligent, more knowledgeable, and much more loving is close to sinning, and Tan is anything but a liar. 

What makes it wholly different is the passion he lives with men compared to any other kind of relationship he could have with any woman. He takes pride in it, because there’s nothing wrong with his way of living and if people want to call him promiscuous for getting into both, then let them be. One day, those people who judge him will understand his kind of love. Better, experience it firsthand.

Looking reflectively at the window whilst waiting for his cup of coffee at Echoes, he doesn’t hesitate to eavesdrop on Khaofang chatting with other clients. It’s been a couple of days since they both established a cordial relationship as a server-customer or, to be more exact, friend-brother’s friend if that kind of concept made any sense. Tan understands himself and it’s enough.

So far, he is delighted with the other’s generosity, kindness, and timid demeanour – standing out for being a reserved man with his own charisma. All of these qualities make him so distinct from Phum despite being a year apart from each other and, for some reason, it fascinates Tan to the point that he can’t help but to stare at him. Though for sure, if Phum were to catch him off guard, he might as well put a restraining order on him because, if anything, Phum’s overprotectiveness towards Khaofang is a little irrational.

The bit he hears Khaofang laughing wholeheartedly as if he has just heard the funniest joke in his entire life, with his head thrown aback and his face all scrunched up, is when Tan slowly understands as to why his brother is so soft-spoken with him, why locals like to engage into lighthearted conversations with him, why Tan unavoidably feels drawn to him the more time he spends orbiting around him.

His chest feels heavy at the mere thought of Khaofang and he quickly withdraws his attention to somewhere else. That idea definitely scared him.

“Earth to Tan,” Khaofang waves his left hand in front of an absentminded Tan, as he carefully places his order with the other hand and traps the tray under his arm. “Any troubles lately? Oh, by the way, Phum told me you’ve recently finished your degree. Congratulations!”

Tan lets a dry laugh when he watches Khaofang clapping with his fingertips cartoon-like, careful not to make a scene. “Thank you and no worries, I was just thinking about everything. Impressive, I know.”

“You and Phum are really a match made in Hell,” Khaofang smiles, showing his teeth. Tan doesn’t miss the way his apron gets loose on Khaofang’s body, accentuating the protruding cleavage adorned with a golden, thin choker just below his mole. “I would like to keep talking to you, but there are reservations for tonight and those pastries aren’t going to make themselves.”

It’s the perfect time to slip a very innocent comment. “We can exchange numbers to, you know, keep the conversation going on,” Tan doesn’t miss either how Khaofang’s cheeks get rosier. It could be the warmth inside the café or it could be Tan’s effect on him.

“Cheeky,” he says before picking up a napkin from Tan’s table and writes down something Tan can’t pinpoint from his perspective. “Just don’t send me weird stuff, I beg.”

“I can’t assure anything,” they both smile at each other, casual, friendly, and maybe, differently.

“Fang, order for table 8 is ready!” another employee yells, her voice mixed with the sounds of plates and glasses clashing against each other.

“Gotta work,” if Tan didn’t know better about his delusions, he would have thought that Khaofang tried to find another side of Tan hidden in the depth of his eyes, seconds before turning on his heels and continuing with his doings. The caffeine frenzy only blurs his thoughts, yet not erases them completely.

He’s lost and confused.

At ten at night, when Tan plops himself on his bed after having dinner with his parents with less cheerfulness than usual, the image of Khaofang being so carefree appears in front of him unconsciously. To be fair, Tan and Khaofang haven’t gotten the opportunity to have a heartfelt conversation, only shy greetings and polite questions of current well-beings. Nothing deeper than that and, by bringing the written napkin with Khaofang’s neat handwriting, there’s an internal debate. One which Tan can’t seem to get off his mind.

On one hand, Khaofang has been nothing but respectful towards Tan despite his evident closed-off nature. On the other hand, there’s Phum who always warns about being careful with his elder brother albeit being his closest friend. It makes him question, what kind of harm could Tan imply to someone as gentle as Khaofang?

If Phum doesn’t answer those questions, then let Khaofang himself open a gate to his own world where Tan can explore endlessly until he’s tired, although ‘tiredness’ isn’t a word which combines well with Tan’s personality. Always eager to live to the end.

“Let’s see,” Tan speaks to himself while marking the digits on his phone. Once he saves Khaofang’s number, he scrolls through his messages app to see his profile and, there, Tan admires steadily the beauty of his friend’s brother. At some point, his breathing slows down just like his heartbeat and it doesn’t sit well on him because he barely knows anything about Khaofang.

He can’t help feeling different. With that, Tan opts not to text him and, instead, he has a night conversation with his pillow. Khaofang wouldn’t have responded to him right away, anyway, for he would be busy attending the clients.

✦•······················•✦•······················•✦

“You never texted me,” the first thing Khaofang does as soon as he sees Tan making way to take a seat in his secured spot is to remark on Tan's quietness. “Did I scare you?”

Tan can’t hold his smile. If only Khaofang knew the turbulent speed in which his mind worked last night, maybe it wouldn’t be so funny. “I was with my family, I didn’t want to use my phone that much with them.”

“I was joking. You don’t have to be my friend just because Phum happens to be my little brother,” that comment bothers Tan. Was Khaofang feeling burdened due to the nature of their relationship?

“Hey, no!” Tan’s exaltation almost scares Khaofang away, who jolted a bit. “I would like to know you better, Phum has nothing to do with this.”

This time, Khaofang’s blushing isn’t part of Tan’s imagination. “Is that so?”

“I don’t manage to see any boy named Phum being by my side right now. Can you?” Tan dramatically moves his head left and right and it helps lift the awkward atmosphere between, for Khaofang is now giggling out loud with his right hand hiding his mouth. An endearing sight, if someone were to ask Tan.

“I’m sorry, I don’t have many friends. I think it shows,” Khaofang nervously tucks a strand of his hair behind his pierced ear and Tan finds it so thrilling how he speaks with a smile plastered on his face, like he doesn’t know what it is to live with a grimace.

“Well,” Tan palms his own chest proudly. “I can be your friend starting from…” he watches his wrist, pretending to take a look at an nonexistent watch. “Right now.”

“You’re even sillier than Phum. I didn’t know that could be possible,” as a matter of fact, Phum wasn’t as close as Tan in terms of healthy stupidity.

“I’m a box of surprises,” Tan knows he isn’t, yet he likes saying it to make people expect the unexpected, so, when he does something really odd, others can’t be taken aback.

“Well,” before Khaofang reveals his next answer, he takes a quick peek inside the café, he doesn’t want others to meddle into his matters. “We could hang out this weekend, it would be nice.”

Khaofang widens his eyes just like Tan does, as if he has just said something utterly unbelievable.

“Oh,” Tan takes a sip from his espresso. “Yeah… yeah! I would like to.”

“Then, don’t forget to text me. I know a nice place,” Khaofang sounds more excited and Tan’s world slows down for a few seconds.

Once again, the familiar sensation creeping into his chest appears and, this time, Tan invites to let it sink. Once again, Tan and Khaofang exchange amicable looks, ones that Tan holds quite closely to him but that’s a secret kept hidden.

Khaofang’s concept of ‘nice places’ baffles Tan because, what the hell are they doing in the middle of winter hiking a mountain at golden hour?

Khao Khiao isn’t that near the center of Bangkok to begin with. Khaofang had to drive them with a more expensive car than Phum’s, if that were actually possible, to finally reach the beginning of the rocky path. As far as Tan knows, his friend has never been more keen into any sport other than football, so this side of Khaofang has surprised him. A lot. Perhaps they were water and oil.

Tan isn’t going to lie, he has forgotten the last time he went hiking somewhere, feeling his legs trembling at the minimum step and scaring himself when he dares to take the littlest peek to the high surroundings. To say Tan was a scaredy cat would be an understatement.

“I always wanted to bring someone here,” Khaofang, who is a bit ahead from Tan, talks out loud. “Phum has grown tired of us going to the same place over and over.”

“Well,” Tan is fatigued. “It’s not an easy mountain to climb, frankly speaking.”

It’s been only ten minutes since they left the car.

“We’re very close, trust me!” Khaofang stops his pace to await Tan, a gesture the other is grateful for. If Tan had to keep up with Khaofang’s rhythm, he would pass out, there’s no space for hesitations. It only took him a few slips that scared him to finally reach the so awaited destiny.

God, was it worth the effort. The views are astonishing, with a clear sight of Bangkok, the river, the temples, and the roads filled with cars. The streetlights soon get turned on and Tan is left breathless. If it weren’t enough, the sky is turning a deep shade of orange. All of it was from a fantasy book.

“I knew you would like it,” Khaofang puns, making way to sit on the benches especially made for hikers and visitors.

“I can’t believe it,” he doesn’t waste any second to start taking photos with his phone, probably to brag about them in his social media and to snicker at Phum for missing one of the most beautiful views to ever exist. “Even the air feels different.”

From his bag, Khaofang takes out two sandwiches with two drinks, an unexpected detail. “You should regain some energy when we go down.”

Tan doesn’t know how to take it without sounding like the most obnoxious guy Khaofang has the misfortune to meet. Their hands brush against each other, feeling the temperature difference easily in a bare touch of skins. Khaofang hitches his breath and, by a simple action as that, Tan looks at him with fluttering eyes.

It made no sense how all ideas, topics, and talks seemed to crumble little by little. Every kind of definition seemed to be inferior and lacked an accurate meaning to describe what went through Tan’s mind. It simply ignited a slumbered fire within him, which used to be avoided at all costs for the sake of respect and boundaries.

Just as fast the moment came, it faded away and Tan laments not having registered the texture of Khaofang’s skin on his. “So you officially admit me in your life.”

“I do,” Khaofang takes a bite unawarely of Tan’s reaction. Being beside each other, enjoying the wild nature and witnessing the sun setting slowly — Tan could repeat it over and over as long as Khaofang kept him in his plans.

“But I know very little about you,” Tan admits and Khaofang grimaces. That’s right.

“What would you like to know?” and Tan’s mind wanders through Khaofang’s likes, fears, future projects, expectations, lifestyle. Everything which makes him wholly, shared in between smiles and laughs Tan is growing attached to.

“Whatever you allow me to know,” Khaofang bets his blushes get deeper the longer he spends time with Tan.

It doesn’t feel wrong. Instead, it feels warm. Welcoming. Right. Like it fits a missing space in his heart.

It’s a good sign.

✦•······················•✦•······················•✦

Something changed. Everyone took notice of it. Tan did, too. Days passed, so did weeks. Those weeks became months and Tan has never been more sure over the fact he can admit, without any doubts, that he’s infatuated with Khaofang, both physically and mentally.

There wasn’t an existent day in which they didn’t interact, didn’t talk by chat, didn’t see each other. During that span of time, Khaofang allowed Tan to know him little by little. Twenty-three, working part-time in a café to save money for his Master’s, not the greatest relationship with his parents, and a great adventurer.

The most important fact, which Tan promised to keep safe from others’ knowledge: Khaofang is a closeted gay.

Such is the infatuation that Tan, who memorised the other’s schedule very well, often invites him to eat out or take long walks at the park. Khaofang didn’t have to know Tan considered those hangouts unofficial dates because it wasn’t needed yet. That was his personal secret. He just didn't know how long he would manage to keep it hidden from Khaofang.

Today is no different. At this point, Phum is glad that he and Khaofang have gotten along well, never hinting any kind of insinuation between their relationship. Either too straight to know how men look when interested in other men or too oblivious to know his friend's heart eyes towards his brother.

"Hey," Khaofang traps Tan into a hug after his shift ends, dressing himself quite cutely in his point of view. Khaofang, who isn't so fond of physical affection, makes an exception to Tan because he likes feeling their bodies merging together. A silent confession, obviously. "How was your day?"

"Boring, I couldn't wait to get out of here," Khaofang is actually counting the days he has left of working in Echoes. Soon, he'll reach the end of his employee status, for he has already saved up enough money to finally start his Master’s in Architecture. Due to the poor nature of his parents' bond, he made an oath to not depend on their money to further his education. He would rather work in appalling conditions than let them continue controlling him.

Tan allows himself to run his hand on the other's silky hair and smiles when he feels Khaofang shuddering. "Where do you want to go today?"

"Actually," Khaofang breaks the hug, not without first brushing each other's cheeks in the process and breathing in Tan's fresh perfume lingering on his neck – almost as if Khaofang did it deliberately. Tan's body is lighter, fighting the urge to become a melted mess before his feet. "I've been meaning to visit a temple."

"Merit-making?" Tan lowers his gaze on purpose, for Khaofang's eyes are too alluring. "We could postpone our meeting for another day."

Khaofang smiles widely. "I need to return a favour, but I want you to come with me."

Temple visits are often intimate, a sacred place where people put all their faith in the deities who roam between the spiritual and bound worlds. If Khaofang was inviting him during such a precious encounter, it means that Tan might be closer to Khaofang than he believes. Moreover, favours asked directly to them. Tan feels moved by simple words.

"Let's go," Tan offers, though he wishes they would hold hands. He doesn't overstep, will never do so unless Khaofang voices it.

For someone who is used to never hearing quietness throughout his days, Tan is learning to appreciate Khaofang's silence because it talks louder than any kind of noise. It helps him navigate into his world, an invited space Tan doesn't want to exit from. Their steps are often followed by simple conversations and conventional comments, such as how beautiful Bangkok is looking in winter or what a pity to see less wild animals in their natural habitats. It was soft, like Khaofang himself.

Thai people have grown accustomed to seeing plenty of tourists visiting the Wat Arun temple, mesmerized by its greatness that even the own inhabitants of the country still can't believe. As soon as they step inside, they're greeted by monks who guide them to make a ritual, with burning incense and ornaments to offer to Buddha.

In reality, Tan was never one to believe in superior forms of living. He never bothered to explore it’s philosophy or even reflect about the 'what ifs' like other people had once talked about. It simply didn't suit him and he would rather live without feeling as if someone is judging him for being a human with his own mistakes. What changes is seeing Khaofang kneeling beside him, murmuring prayers, exuding vulnerability and rawness.

It felt like watching a man unveiling in front of him and Tan slowly parted his gaze from Khaofang to stop his hammering heart. He might as well pray too, awkwardly stumbling his words and allow himself to commit mistakes.

He prays to be with Khaofang and, egoistically, Tan hopes Khaofang prays for him too. Only a few meters of distance between their legs could be seen.

Having exited the temple, Tan offers Khaofang to eat something before they part ways, each one to their respective homes. If Tan were a little more ignorant, he would have never caught Khaofang’s disappointment once he got to know how long they were together. For Khaofang, it was never enough, yet saying it out loud was close to embarrassment. Cotton candy is a childish choice, but seeing Khaofang happy made Tan happy for the next thirty minutes.

After standing in front of Khaofang’s hall apartment while conversing about Tan’s weird dreams whenever he goes to sleep and listening to Khaofang’s laughter from disbelief, Tan was about to wave goodbye, before a tense atmosphere between them settled.

“Can I ask you something? I think it’s important,” Tan holds his breath. His tone denotes seriousness, for Khaofang didn’t want to end this precious day without having his doubts cleared up.

“Mhm,” Tan hums, still without doing a false movement. “What is it?”

“I… Well, okay. I don’t know how to say it without sounding full of myself,” the people passing by didn’t bat an eye on them, either too focused on their phones or just minding their own business. Who didn’t talk with cherished people in the hall? Only the boring ones. “Tan, am I misunderstanding your intentions? Am I wrong to think that– that you… Oh, this is hard, I’m sorry.”

Tan didn’t need to listen further. “No, you’re right. I think I’ve been too obvious and if you’re uncomfortable, I’ll just step back. I don’t want to trade our friendship for anything, I mean it.”

Khaofang finds his answer terribly adorable and intelligent at once. He can’t help himself smiling shyly before taking two steps forward, meeting Tan eye to eye with a confidence that’s so unlike him. Khaofang has never shown himself as someone brave nor confident, let alone defend himself when people pinpointed his cowardice. Yet, how is he supposed to not lean and allow their lips to touch in a brief contact, gentle and naive?

In that moment, Tan’s mouth burns with want, a dizzy emotion replacing the little patience he had remained, so before Khaofang could retreat himself from their closeness – he pulls Khaofang into a proper kiss, in a way their teeth could gnaw at each other’s lips without fearing they’ll come apart in pieces. In a way their fingers get tangled and let themselves travel into a world where no one else exists besides them.

Both of them stop and, if it weren’t because they were still in public, Tan doesn’t know what else could have happened. Their foreheads meet, exchanging deep breaths, and Khaofang feels renewed.

“Would you trade our friendship…” Khaofang opens his eyes, a sultry expression written in him. “For a relationship?”

“No,” Tan replies confidently. “I want to be your friend and I want to be your boyfriend.”

“I like it,” Khaofang doesn’t waste a second to hug him and get drunk on his smell, on his warmth, on his comfort. Turns out, their prayers have been successfully answered.

✦•······················•✦•······················•✦

16th April. It’s Khaofang’s birthday.

Tan couldn’t have been happier to have Khaofang as his partner, as his quiet anchor, as his best company. His friends, not that they were many, often describe him as ‘glowing’. He can’t deny it, Tan is confident that it’s not a simple crush. He can’t get enough of Khaofang’s holds, he can’t get enough of his voice and, today, it shouldn’t be any different.

Khaofang has a weird, long shift at Echoes, though the previously exchanged messages show nothing but excitement to spend the night with Tan celebrating another year alive. In the past, it used to be only Phum bringing him a chocolate cupcake with a candle, because both parents were too absent to remember their child’s birthday. Khaofang has grown used to it, even considering the date a normal day in his life. Something Tan wasn’t able to digest when he learned about it.

My Fang 💜

I’m so tired

I just want to see you and drink that champagne you bought

Ugh :(

30 minutes more and you’re free!

The alcohol isn’t going anywhere ❤️

Also, I have something for you

It’s just a detail, really

Are you crazy?!?!?!

God, as soon as I step into your apartment, I’ll smooch the hell out of you!!!!!

You just wait

The gift is a beautiful, golden necklace with a lotus flower that resembles a krathong. Since they both met the night Tan went back to Bangkok, Tan hasn’t been able to take Khaofang off his mind, imprinted like a permanent tattoo in every fiber. At first, he wanted to use his money from scholarships for future needs, yet as soon as he saw it on discount in the display of a jewellry store, he simply couldn’t say no. The price itself doesn’t take much importance, it’s the fact it’s been half a year since the both met on such an eventful day. It doesn’t have to mean anything else, at least not right now.

He is very, very confident in their relationship. As to make some time until Khaofang is on his way to come here. He doesn't know if it's out of luck or not, but his parents are currently off to a trip for a relative’s wedding and Tan could make a good use of the apartment by making it fully Khaofang’s for tonight.

It would feel good to live together in the near future. He can imagine Khaofang mopping the floor as he hums those indie songs he adores talking about, while Tan is cooking experimental meals to eat together in the living room. Maybe they could get a pet that wouldn’t give Khaofang an allergic reaction and take care of it as their own child. A colorful parakeet is a nice, cute option, or is it better to have a puffy bunny stomping around?

Six months is a good time knowing each other, isn’t it? Tan bites his lower lip at his own excitement, it’s not his birthday to celebrate. Suddenly, his phone buzzes with Khaofang’s message saying he’s almost there, so it’s the perfect moment to light a couple of candles and take out the new brand of cheesecake Khaofang has been dying to taste.

It’s not an expensive setting, it’s not overly fancy, but it’s fully sincere. Tan hopes Khaofang can feel the care behind it.

Once Khaofang rings at his apartment, Tan makes sure to comb his hair with his bare hands to look decently enough and, goodness gracious, if his lover wasn’t the most irresistible man to ever exist.

“Hello, beautiful,” Tan compliments Khaofang, a sheepish smile on the birthday boy.

“Hi,” Khaofang sniffed his surroundings before entering inside. “What did you do? It smells sweet.”

“Come and see, you’ll know,” Khaofang raises an eyebrow and, once he takes off his shoes, his mouth falls agape at the view. Tan is analysing his expressions, the way his eyes are glistening full of emotion and how happiness suited him the best.

“This is crazy,” Khaofang marveled. “You even got these!” His inner child is jumping when he notices the helium balloons tied up in two of the table legs. Khaofang is simply precious.

Tan is quick to cut a piece of cake in a plate and offers it to Khaofang, who holds it with a big smile. He rushes to take his phone out and takes the umpteenth photo of his lover which remains unshared for the public because, to the other’s words, he wasn’t confident in his looks. A pity, for Khaofang has an uncomparable beauty and the most darling kind of smile Tan has had the luck to see by himself.

“Happy birthday, Fang,” Khaofang’s eyes follow Tan’s doings and there’s a slight consternation in them when he feels his warm fingertips touching the skin of his neck. Khaofang bites the need to let out a sigh, only to lower his head when he sees Tan’s hand placing a gorgeous necklace under his choker. “I hope we can celebrate more birthdays together.”

“This,” he rushes to leave the plate, pleading for an answer from Tan with glistening eyes. “Just why? You know I’d be happy if it’s you and me alone.”

How could Tan explain that he has never felt this way towards anyone who came to his life? Would Khaofang be afraid of Tan if he knew that the only face the other remembers after coming home from Khon Kaen is his own? What kind of sentiment suits Tan’s overwhelming and sharp ache in his chest if not love? Does Khaofang believe in fateful interconnections?

“I love you, Fang,” for it’s not about the time spent knowing the person, but the person as a whole. “You don’t need to say you love me too if you’re not ready. I just don’t think I could keep it to myself anymore.”

If only Tan knew Khaofang is simply scared of what the word means, of what kind of consequences it will bring if he says it out loud because he’s not capable of enduring it mentally. Because he doesn’t know another kind of love that’s not Tan. Though in this space, where Tan and Khaofang are the only ones breathing in the same air, Khaofang envelops Tan into a slow kiss. Words aren’t his forte, nothing coming out from his mouth is worth the effort of hearing and, with the candles accompanying them, then Tan might understand what his kisses try to say eventually without diminishing his emotional weight.

“Mine, just mine,” Khaofang whispers with their lips tickling and his arms encircled in Tan’s neck, teasing another kiss as the dangling necklace hits his own chest, the side where his heart rests. “You’re mine.”

Tan wasn’t planning to further their relationship, not when it was Khaofang’s day. Not when he was aware that Khaofang struggled with sexual intimacy after learning his past relationships only sought their pleasure and never cared about his needs because his sexuality was a secret, anyway, and others didn’t have to know what type of encounters they held. It was obvious those kisses they used to share would become scars imprinted in each centimeter of his skin, burning if touched anew. Khaofang described it as being used, but putting a blessed emotion as love as an excuse. Tan knew that was very far from it.

As possessive as it sounds, Tan just hoped that one day his mouth would repaint every pore where it hurt the most, so the moment Khaofang missed him — his skin would know soothe and not let it bleed.

Amidst the dark night, just something shifts in between those four walls Tan always calls home, filled with the memories of children running around. Tan feels that change by the way Khaofang kisses him breathlessly on the couch as he pushes Tan atop of him, dragging his lips all across his mouth and holding himself steady before he makes a mistake, wrapping them with the smoke of vanilla candles which were slowly coming to a safe end.

“Fang,” Tan retracts himself, his mouth just millimeters away from a newly-met kiss. If his heart beat any faster, would his body fade and pass away so sweetly in his arms? What kind of stupefacient is Khaofang’s entire being hiding from the light? “I think we should stop here.”

Khaofang brings his fingers to his lips, fully aware of the fact he has gotten carried away with their intense kissing. As a matter of fact, he did it on purpose, for he is craving another kind of touch. Then, a timid spark in Khaofang’s eyes almost drove Tan crazy. How could a man, carved with the same flesh and bone as Tan, show purity despite all? Tan guesses that there are questions meant to never be answered.

“Just touch me,” Khaofang has never sounded desperate, yet the way he immediately answers as if he had been waiting to mutter those three words since they committed seriously to each other had Tan’s head spinning, his mental clock stopping its tick-tock.

Tracing every feature of his edges within the reach of his fingertips. Having Khaofang whisper his name gently as a temptive secret between them both. Worship the person who defined the word ‘perfection’. Indeed, touching him.

It is simply absurd. Everything about Khaofang’s effect on Tan is absurd. The romantic side of relationships is never something he looked out for when growing up, much less did he crave for someone’s presence beside him in the long term because he didn’t believe it could become true: cohabitating together, laughing together, cooking together, growing old together. Everything that used to be mundane transformed into partnership. He never understood how couples managed to be cheesy towards each other without cringing and feeling the excitement fading out as soon as they got used to the routinary feeling.

Similar to Khaofang, Tan had his own fears, for he has been flawed since birth. Just like any other human being.

However, Tan understands it once he realises the sheets will be, unavoidably, impregnated with their mingled perfumes and sweat. In that instant, he knew he loved Khaofang with a madness that very few people could handle, for he is in love with his precious personality; in love with his carefully-built body; in love with the sound of his laughter; in love with every little detail that made him who he was. Tan feels his skin vibrating at the anticipation of exploring their brand-new intimacy without a rushed final — smiling when Khaofang smiles, trembling when Khaofang trembles, gasping when Khaofang gasps.

Funnily enough, if his previous affairs looked at him, they would laugh at him for being too vanilla. Yet, he didn’t even bother to think about them for a millisecond when everything he has been needing all his life was the man who called him out softly and caressed him in every kiss, as if he never felt him before. Tan kisses Khaofang for the sake of kissing, he touches him for the sake of touching and that itself is heavenly, with shivers all across his skin and marks on each edge.

Tears formed on Khaofang’s tender eyes and Tan forced himself to stop, wondering if there was something that hurt him in that beautiful moment.

“Fang, what is wrong?” He gently wipes the tears from his cheeks and tucks the disheveled strands of his hair away, allowing himself to drown in his gaze. “Am I hurting you?”

The questions make Khaofang laugh and Tan’s heart leaps from his chest at the vivid sound. “I came to the realization that I’ve never been this loved before, not like you do.”

Tan didn’t think he was capable of desiring a person with such strength which might cross the limits of slight obsession either, their bodies ablaze and mouths searching for oxygen. Another kiss ten times needier and everything fades into a mute revelation, bare and drowned.

It’s the moment after they’re both spent up and satisfied, Khaofang climbs onto Tan’s chest in search of care which he reciprocates right away. In this quietness, where limbs are still sensitive and hearts are still racing from adrenaline, the love words from his dearest person makes Tan slip a fulfilling tear in secret.

“I love you. So much,” being the last thing Tan remembers hearing before drifting to sleep together. Tan would gladly exchange his whole life for one of Khaofang’s kisses on his wrist.

✦•······················•✦•······················•✦

The first time Tan saw Phum and Khaofang’s parents, all he felt was a crippling anxiety stabbing his throat with thousands of needles. He also hated how Khaofang never searched for his hand in support, as if it were normal for a child to be so fearful towards their parents’ words.

Khaofang avoided walking hand and hand with Tan since that encounter or being affectionate with him in public, afraid of being caught by his parents’ eyes. A paranoid attitude was growing bigger and it dragged Tan to darker days, in solitude, in shame, to the point of no comfort despite Tan’s poor attempts to lull him to slumber. His lover was growing colder and Tan felt like freezing with him, no matter how hard he tried to show composure.

Weeks later, Phum who hadn’t once pronounced a word regarding their romantic relationship came barging to the café and when the next confirmation slipped, Khaofang felt his world crumbling down to fatality.

“Mom and dad want to talk, they are not in a good mood,” Tan looks at his lover, who was busy wiping the wet drops of the glasses, and notices the nervous shakiness of his hands.

“I guessed so,” Khaofang avoids looking at the two most important people of his life. “When?”

“They’re already waiting, family dinner. I’m here to drive us home. I’m afraid Tan has to go back to his place,” Khaofang struggles to keep himself steady and drops a cup to the ground, startling both of them. “Fang…”

“It’s okay, I’m sure it’s nothing serious,” Tan reassures them with a half-hearted lie, especially an exalted Khaofang. All these months which were passing by so sweetly and without any problems are ending more drastically than he believes. It hurts because, for once, Khaofang was finally learning to be more open with his personality and to be more socially active. Tan was the support he needed all along and if his parents were to snatch him away, Khaofang wouldn’t be capable of continuing living normally anymore.

“Shall we go?” Phum holds the door open as he awaits for his elder brother to tag along, and when he does, Tan is left in utter hush. The worst thing, the twilight sky is nothing but a splash of gradient colours and bright lights making way to touch the burning sun. Yet, he remains there to clean the broken pieces and hurt his hands himself with its sharp peaks.

A message from Khaofang saying it’s all alright is what he needs. The droplets of blood in his skin can dry by themselves, yet what is the cure for a wounded heart?

My Fang 💜

Tan

We should talk

Let’s meet at Lumphini Park now

Okay

On my way

They haven’t met since that family dinner. No replies, no calls, no Internet activity. To say Tan was trying his best not to crash out in front of his own parents, who were as hopeless as him, these last few days was an understatement, as well as a pity. Everything was going so damn smoothly, he cussed out while gripping on the steering wheel.

He doesn’t care about his car once he reaches his destination and spots Khaofang sitting in a bench. He runs towards him for dear life.

“Fang, baby,” Tan was about to kiss Khaofang in longing when he rejected it. “Are you okay?” 

Khaofang’s voice deceives his words and Tan can’t believe his ears. “Tan, we should break up.”

Silence. Then, the crisis.

“Do I make you unhappy, Fang? Is there anything I need to change?” Tan is hyperventilating, the fallen leaves flying far away from them.

“They caught us, Tan, and I’ve never felt this humiliated before,” he doesn’t have the heart to explain the words his father dared to say out loud in front of his little one, when everyone was looking at him and pointed at him. “I was already the concept of disappointment in my family and… they’re right.”

“They’re not!” He holds Khaofang, his Khaofang, by his biceps so as to look him straight in the eye. “Don’t listen to them. Fang, please.”

The way Khaofang takes Tan’s hands off of him is heartbreaking. “I can’t continue pretending that their treatment doesn’t affect me. Just see this: Oat is engaged and they’re expecting, he has a whole business behind him. Phum is near finishing his degree and is planning to travel to the USA because he has that kind of chance. They have shown a lot more than I could have, and me? I have never known what I wanted, and they called me whimsical. I have everything to lose,” and the meaning behind everything was none other than Tan. “And nothing to win back.”

“You could live with me, rent an apartment together! I could find a full-time job, we can find a solution together. Just don’t give up on what we have, please,” Tan’s body doesn’t know how to fight anymore. “It’s not what you want.”

“But I still want to study. Either I live by myself and spend all my savings on surviving, or have a free roof with no complaints and finish my Master’s. I couldn’t bear seeing them treat you like some kind of mistake in my life,” Khaofang doesn’t know how he’s managing to hold his tears back because Tan is right, it’s not what he truly wants. “I need to let you go, even if I love you with all my heart. That’s the least thing I can do for my parents.”

With no other words to pronounce, Tan watches as Khaofang unbuckles the lotus necklace and hands it back to him. Gifts aren’t supposed to be returned, they’re given to people because they hold a deep meaning meant to be cherished. How is he supposed to go back home after this?

“And that’s it?” Tan asks for a last time, clasping onto the necklace for dear life.

“I am so sorry,” Khaofang puts his hands together to show a wai, too far away. Too formal. As if they were never supposed to be more than two people passing by in each other’s life. “Please, be happy, Tan. One day, all the kindness you’ve shown to me will be returned.”

Speechless, Tan observes how Khaofang, his Khaofang, is stepping back from his life. The steps his feet are leaving are tainted red, describing how sorrowful he is to make such a drastic decision. Tan will never know that Khaofang would never allow his parents to say anything despicable to Tan and be the victim of their mockery. 

All without a last kiss, for it will ache forever. Just leaving Tan wrapped under an afternoon that didn’t have anything dramatic to it, like in those tragic romance movies he grew up watching. Beautiful sunrays hitting the flowers and warming the wide lake behind him. He might as well lay down in the green grass and let his heart bleed until the colony of ants crawl into his perished life.

For Khaofang has just shot him down as simply as with words. 

Breaking up with a partner is, unfortunately, normal. Tan just didn’t expect it to happen this soon, not when their relationship started to blossom prettily and they both established mutual goals to achieve hand in hand. It kills Tan that it wasn’t because Khaofang didn’t love him anymore. On the contrary, he believes that no person will equal his amount of affection until he dies of old age. Nonetheless, as he sits on the edge of his bed like a miserable man, he would have preferred to be dumped for the lack of reciprocation from Khaofang’s part because, at least, he’ll learn how to navigate with a normal breakup.

Except it wasn’t a normal breakup and love itself was pouring in every corner, and that’s what makes Tan a living corpse. Loy Krathong is just a month away, Tan would have loved to wake up and flood Khaofang’s phone with reminders because that’s the day when their paths entwined. It’s the returned necklace which haunts Tan’s nights.

No, Tan is not religious albeit respecting the belief of it, a sinner for those who condemn his ignorance. How cruel life is because, right now, he is standing in front of the busy temple they had both prayed in one too many times and Tan feels the emotions overflowing every single cell of his weak frame, kneeling his whole body in front of Buddha as if his life depended on it. Out of all people, why does it have to be Tan asking for mercy and muttering pleas knowing perfectly his despairing cries won’t be heard?

Is he undeserving of love? Does that explain why Khaofang exited his life as if nothing were worth in the end? He should better rip his heart out and become a soulless puppet, in that way he would learn how to survive in a hostile world where Khaofang isn’t by his side. The few roaming people inside the temple, who had a bit of sympathy remaining, look at Tan’s trembling figure – who is sobbing uncontrollably as the ashes of incense sting the back of his hands. He won’t get out of the temple unless there’s an answer, unless there’s a proper explanation as to why two men in love can’t be together.

Now, where should his dragging feet go? For Khaofang is everywhere: in the breeze of air, in every little hum of melodies coming from strangers’ tongues, from the walked-out ground to the vast space. Tan will never know how it is to fall asleep without seeing his face: crying, loving, laughing, lying. His phone falls into a monotonous routine of buzzing messages coming from Phum, Chain, Q and other known people asking if he’s doing well. None of them were Khaofang, anyway, they could wait for a few days if they really cared about him. In reality, Tan didn’t care for anyone else, absorbed in his own grief.

One last time, he goes to Echoes. He needs to see Khaofang at all costs, just a brief glimpse of his walking figure and he’ll try to close this chapter even if it means losing his sanity in the process.

“Fang? I’m sorry, love, he doesn’t work here anymore. He left before his contract ended, can you believe it? He had two or three days left, I think. My father is the boss here, so he probably knows better. Honestly? He wasn’t looking very good, but hey! I saw you talking to him a couple of times, I thought you guys were friends,” the employee explains slowly as she wipes the tables with expertise.

The best kind of lovers are those who start as friends. “Well, not really friends.”

“Oh, so a couple,” she throws the towel on the table and looks at Tan’s face making all kinds of expressions. “Fang is an open book, I could see how happy he was to see you.”

“That was before,” he scratches his arm, uncomfortable and vulnerable. “We’re not together anymore.”

The gasp the employee lets out makes it even worse. “Oh, I’m sorry! Well, that would explain why I heard some sobs coming from the restroom.”

The thought of Khaofang crying because of him tears what is left of Tan’s heart apart. “Do you know where he could be?”

She just clicks her tongue in disappointment. “No, kid, he is not quite a person you would know a lot from.”

“It’s fine,” he slumpers his shoulders in defeat. There’s nothing else he can do and this should be his last sign. “Thank you.”

“Believe in second chances, hun!” she yells before Tan could close the door behind him. There’s no rescue in a broken relationship, yet he appreciates the optimistic comment after the burdensome weeks he’s been going through.

In a blink of an eye, those weeks become months. The world was not willing to stop its spinning so as to comfort Tan, he had to redo his life with bruised cheeks and an unstable appetite.

He still drowns in his tears whenever he watches the Photos app reminding him of the moments they spent together: when they went to the mountain for the first time and Tan looked exhausted, when they travelled to Khrabi as a weekend escapade and took a photo of Khaofang sleeping curled on his body, when they went to watch the latest Marvel movie in front row. Now, they’re just that. Photos. Memories. It hurts like hell.

Phum knows, yet he chooses silence, and Tan deep inside appreciates not talking about Khaofang because it would become an unhealthy cycle of venting and crying. He wasn’t at fault, though Tan would like to hear comforting words from him, to hear that Khaofang doesn’t hate himself for what happened and that he tries to understand his decision. He just wishes it could have been easier for them. Phum never tells Tan how much his beloved elder brother misses him or how beautifully his hair has grown after his departure, brushing its strands during his restless nights whilst knowing Khaofang would have preferred having Tan’s hand touching him instead of half of his own blood.

All Phum can do is to apologise for something he didn’t break at all. They both need to live with the absence of someone who had once been the most important in their lives and live up to others’ expectations. Khaofang, giving up on his happiness to their satisfaction; and Tan…

What about him?

One year later.

The speed of time is unbelievably fast when one is grieving something which never existed. It might as well be part of Tan’s imagination, a daydream which he has never learned to detach himself from. Rumor has it that when two people part ways and they don’t meet anymore, no matter the time or space, coincidence or purpose, then it means their story has concluded. For the better or for the worse, Tan can’t really decide, although if he thinks about it – it all makes so much sense and that’s what pisses him off the most.

It used to be Phum and Khaofang together. Now, it’s only Phum, for Khaofang is held as a recluse of his own mistakes and refuses to see the light. His little brother won’t reveal that kind of information, of course, yet Phum knows his friend is Khaofang’s happiness even if the idea of them two dating used to irk him. It’s intrinsic for siblings not to want them to date their friends. Phum can’t help but miss seeing them together, sometimes.

Tan wasn’t going to lie, he did try meeting with other people, he went on meaningless dates with them and wasted money regretfully hoping to find a speck of his charms in others. He doesn’t remember the majority of them because he was busy claiming that it should be Khaofang sitting beside him and laughing as he retells a childhood anecdote, not a stranger with pretty dimples or lavish belongings. Albeit a man with desires as any other of his kind, Tan didn’t feel the need to hug them when those dates came to an end, not even platonically.

They weren’t Khaofang, end of. It was useless to make people lose their time, it wasn’t fair for them. Tan knew he wouldn’t be able to move in the long run. He might as well accept his fate. Q compared him to a swan, once it’s counterpart no longer lives, the other mate remains in solitude. Tan has learned to laugh about his breakup.

It was a morning like any other when Tan’s phone buzzed with an incoming call from Phum. Despite the tension, Phum has shown nothing but support and has been a good friend.

“Hey there,” Tan answers without making him wait for longer.

“Tan, I have good news! I’ve been admitted for my Master’s in California. The professors were kinda reluctant at first, but they let me go!” Tan chuckles when he hears Phum’s gushing. He did deserve going there.

“I’m happy for you, friend,” Tan confesses as he waves goodbye to his father quietly, who was off to work and leaving his son alone. “I’m gonna miss seeing your ugly face.”

“Oh, I bet you will. Ah, yes, I’m not calling you just to brag,” Tan hears Phum gulping before speaking anew. “I’m inviting our friends to a goodbye party–”

“God, don’t say it like that,” Phum laughs at his interruption. “It gives me goosebumps.”

“My bad, you’re right. It’s going to be in our yard. My parents are going to be away for like a week, grandma is sick so they want to keep an eye on her,” Phum explains and Tan can’t help but to tease his friend.

“Your grandma is sick and you’re hosting a party? Not nice,” Tan lays down on the couch, letting out a groan when his back hits the soft pillows.

“Don’t piss me off,” he bets Phum has just rolled his eyes. “Anyway, it’s this weekend. I’ll tell you whether it’s Saturday or Sunday, I think it’s going to be Saturday, but…”

“But what?” Tan plays with the laces of his pyjama pants, never expecting the next answer.

“Fang is going to be there,” it was obvious, they’re brothers, yet something about hearing his name after a while catches Tan off-guard. The line goes quiet, with him analysing the given information and Phum speaks. “You see, you’re the only one I allow not to come if you’re still not ready to face him, but you have to understand I can’t not invite either of you. You’re my friend and he’s my brother.”

“You… don’t have to explain yourself,” Tan reassures, more to himself than to Phum. “I’ll be there, I have to see you one last time!”

“Hey, don’t force yourself. You still have Thursday and Friday to think about it,” Tan is surprised about Phum’s compassion. “Update me, okay? I’m off to sign the contract with the company. Kiss, kiss.”

“Take care, I’ll talk to you later,” and Tan cuts the call with all of the weight of the world on his shoulders. They would meet again, after all. He doesn’t know how to react to such information.

✦•······················•✦•······················•✦

Fashion and Tan never got along, even just to see Phum and his friends. Deep inside, he knows why he’s dressing himself well, as if someone he used to know would bat an eye on him. He reopened his ear piercings by himself and, with a black shirt and black jeans, sunglasses on the top of his head, he’s off to see his friend before he goes very, very far away.

He remembers very well the path towards the huge apartment they live in, with particular pools and individual yards for neighbours to enjoy. It’s an urbanization for rich people and, while Tan is not particularly poor, the income from both families is different. All he knows is that he lives well with his parents. Phum’s parking has available slots for invited cars, so he doesn’t waste any second to find free spots in the street and drives inside right away.

From downstairs, he can already hear the loud voices and the blasting music, having started the fun before him. He shakes his head, but Tan’s heart races at the mere thought of seeing him. Admittedly, he ended up being scared of Khaofang. Not because Khaofang holds any malice, perhaps he’s the purest human to exist on Earth, but because he doesn’t trust himself enough to act nonchalantly when it comes to him. Once he rings the door, Tan closes his eyes and mentalizes himself when they face each other if he opens it.

In the end, it was Phum and one part of Tan was relieved. The other, he was really expecting to be Khaofang. “You really came! Come in, we’re having some drinks.”

When he enters, he is shocked by how expensive it looked, with modern decorations here and there. Tan could really tell they were born with a silver spoon in their mouths, though none of them liked to show off. He knew Khaofang was the first one to reject it. From the living room, he could smell the barbecue smoke and it instantly made Tan hungry.

“Tan, you’re here!” Tan recognises Chain’s voice, who went out from the group circle to hug him brotherly. “We’re now the entire squad.”

“Take it easy,” they all share a dry laugh and Tan sits down in one of the folding chairs available. What surprises him is that he doesn’t see any signs of Khaofang nearby.

“I know what you’re thinking about,” Phum palms his leg. “He’s upstairs talking on the phone, an urgent call. Don’t worry.”

All his friends share an accomplice look, not sure how to talk without sounding offensive, so they chose to ignore the topic and cheer for his friend who was given a one-in-a-million opportunity. Who knows? Maybe he can start a life abroad and earn a lot of money. It’s good cash, they all agree on that. Phum can only compliment himself.

Pun has the lowest alcohol resistance, it’s obvious it would start taking effect quickly and his appetite when drunk scares everyone away. For the first time in a while, Tan is enjoying himself with good company, smiling and cracking jokes. He stopped drinking once Khaofang and him were dating, and still holds that custom after all this time. Just a few sips and he’s satisfied.

Tan approaches Phum with a gentle look. “Where is your bathroom?”

“We have two, but the one downstairs is broken. Go upstairs and the first door on the left is the bathroom,” he winks at his friend.

“I’ll come back in a sec,” Tan palms twice Phum’s shoulder. He has never imagined himself getting lost at a friend’s house, but then again, who else had the same money as Phum? He walks quickly so as not to miss the fun outside. “First door, left.”

Having found it, he was about to twist the knob when Tan got startled once he saw it moving by itself, revealing a so-well-known figure behind it just seconds after. Tan went pale and he felt his stomach giving back what he had consumed, nauseous and shocking.

Khaofang. Still looking ethereal, still being his greatest love.

Before any of them speak a word, Tan rushes down the stairs, almost tripping with his own feet, and his ears start to buzz annoyingly without being able to register any voice calling out his name in worry. His body is sweating cold despite the rosiness of his face. Tan wants to cry, he has believed that he had enough power to see Khaofang without feeling anything, any kind of sentiment left back in the past just to have his mental fortress crumbled down so easily.

“Tan! Tan, wait!” Khaofang follows behind with a fragile voice and the boy group turn their heads to see the scene, some of them gasping and others, pitying it. Phum can’t help feeling guilty again. All of them hold him back, for it’s a matter between Tan and Khaofang only.

Tan doesn’t know where to go, much less is he aware of the person walking behind him until he feels the grip of a familiar hand holding him back. He doesn’t dare to look at him. He doesn’t know why he’s pursuing Tan.

“Don’t do this to my brother,” Khaofang speaks with a plea hidden in his tone. “You must probably hate me for what I’ve done to you and I can’t argue with you on that, but don’t meddle my brother into this. He really wants to see you before he goes away. Don’t ruin this moment.”

“Hate you?” Tan whispers completely in disbelief. Hearing those words coming from Tan makes Khaofang apprehensive, unaware of how deep they sounded. “Right. I tried to hate you for leaving me when I loved you the most. I tried to get rid of all the gifts you’ve given to me because I knew you wouldn’t add more. I tried, and tried, and tried, but I couldn’t.”

The silence between them becomes great, letting the confession sink in.

“Darl- Tan,” Tan flinches at Khaofang’s mistake. “Don’t make this harder than it is. Think about Phum. He’s your friend.”

“You were once my friend, too,” his best friend and his best lover, as a matter of fact. “I can’t do this, tell Phum I’m sorry.”

He unclasps Khaofang’s hand and leaves the urbanization, knowing that a pair of eyes was observing him all along. Phum didn’t once get angry at Tan’s decision nor did he say anything negative towards Khaofang, who went to what used to be his bedroom to cry himself to sleep.

They still loved each other painfully, all of them were sure of it.

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Tan rereads the messages over and over like a broken CD for the past ten minutes. He laughs at himself for never changing his contact name, as if holding onto hope for the rest of his days.

My Fang 💜

I want to meet you and have a talk

A serious talk, heart to heart

Just one last time and I’ll leave you alone

If you don’t reply to me, I’ll take it as an answer too

Please

What baffles Tan is how Khaofang still has his number saved.

I don’t think there’s much to talk

We broke up and I respected your decision

Even if you knew I was head over heels for you and it hurt me like crazy

But you can’t blame me for not wanting to do anything with you anymore

Lies, lies. All pathetic lies.

I know and I hate myself a little more everyday for it

But I want closure too

I’ve never asked much, I just need to let this out

Just this time and I promise we’ll never talk again

I’ll leave you alone

Tan holds himself steady because it breaks him reading how the love of his life is willing to stop looking for him.

Fine, let’s talk

I’m available at six

Only this time and never more

Thank you

I owe you so much

He doesn’t know what he’s doing anymore. It’s almost as if the stars played a dirty joke on him and he doubts it’s going to be a wise decision to make, yet he is curious to hear what Khaofang has to say.

Until he’s finally inside a quirky bar called Savage Forest waiting for Khaofang to come. A part of Tan trembles at the thought of seeing him alone after a year and some months. It’s quite funny and upsetting at once if he thinks about it — they spent more time broken up than together. Tan laughs so as not to cry and, best believe, there are no more tears left.

It kills Tan how he still manages to look radiant, to look as fresh as the cool breeze in the middle of autumn. If circumstances were different, Tan would have kissed him in front of everyone else to show his utmost adoration. Except now they were acting like strangers who knew every millimetre of each other’s skin.

“Sorry for the lateness,” Khaofang apologizes before taking a seat in front of him. He is just as uncomfortable as Tan. “Thank you again for accepting talking with me.”

“Yeah,” Tan just nods his head, he doesn’t know what else to do. “It’s okay.”

Khaofang furrows his eyebrows because, in the distant past, they used to not know what it was like to be in discomfort. They always had something to share, whether it was good, bad, or gossip. They were a great couple, indeed.

The only time their voices could be heard again was when the waiter came asking if there’s something they’d like to order, to which both answered with a cup of coffee. None of them knew how to break the ice, their fingers twitched nervously and their eyes looked anywhere but at the other.

Yet, when Tan takes the first sip of his coffee, he is immediately displeased. “This tastes like acid piss,” he rather spoke to himself, as he had always done, but the way Khaofang held his laugh only to have a good cackle makes Tan twitch a smile.

“Did you have a taste of it to make comparisons?” Khaofang warms his hands with the heat of the cup.

“No, but I bet it’s like this coffee,” he grimaces, but he melts at the sight of Khaofang giggling behind his hand. It’s still him, despite all.

The conversations fall into a nice rhythm of current happenings, on last trips and family gossip. It’s soon after they felt the bar was too small for them and so they decided to go take a walk, still talking, but still keeping their buried feelings aside. This is not what Khaofang was asking for in their previous exchanged messages, yet Tan wasn’t going to pinpoint it.

He missed his voice too much.

It’s a crescent moon and the city gets filled with people going outside to walk, just like they do, yet without that type of closeness. Their fingers crave to intertwine, brushing against each other when they approach closer unconsciously. No, Tan needs to be firm.

“Khaofang,” Tan calls his name out in the middle of a quiet street. “I didn’t agree to meet with you just to talk about the weather.”

“I know,” his hands form fists, fighting whether to hold himself or not. “I just don’t know where to start.”

“The night is long,” Tan says as he leans into the walls with crossed arms. He is a conflicted mix of emotions, truthfully.

“I can’t move on, no matter how hard I try,” Khaofang’s expression changes completely to an ashamed one.

"Fang, we don’t need to have this conversation now. It’s been a while!” Tan protests, making all kinds of gestures without raising his voice. “Can’t we just forget about this?”

“No! You will listen to me. Last time, you closed yourself off from my words and I had to swallow up my pride,” Khaofang pushes Tan’s chest with his index finger. Their bottled up feelings are escaping and there’s no way to stop it.

“What is there to listen to?” Tan asks, more as a mock than an actual inquiry. “That day, you told me everything I needed to hear.”

Khaofang’s breathing is shaky, he can’t keep escaping anymore. “When I broke up with you, I thought to myself that I made the right choice. Be honest, Tan, would you have lived all your life with a closeted gay knowing you wouldn’t get to share our photos, our trips, our relationship?”

Tan doesn’t answer, just listens.

“Then, I realised that I made the biggest mistake of all my life, so when I confronted my parents about it, all I got was them kicking me out from home,” Khaofang gulps down, feeling the tight knot forming on his throat as he speaks. “But I’m not sorry because I defended who I loved and who I am. Now, I live by myself in a small apartment as I try to save money again in miserable jobs. My life was ruined, Tan, but all I regret is not having you by my side.”

Tan’s voice breaks. “Why did you do it in the first place?”

“I was scared,” Khaofang is pouring his heart out like he has never done before. “And I’m still scared, the world is too unpredictable, but thinking about you made me feel like fighting was worth it. You can hate me, you’re in the right to do so, but my love for you has never been this big before.”

Once Khaofang breathes in, Tan pulls Khaofang into an impulsive, desperate kiss, tasting his favourite sweet treat one more time. Their lips make all kinds of explicit noises and their tongues tease each other’s mouth, hands not finding a place to grip or hold at the raw aggressiveness. Tan swore to feel salty tears getting mixed with saliva, not being able to recognize whether it was his own, Khaofang’s, or theirs altogether.

They didn’t make love once they stepped into Khaofang’s bedroom. They only slept beside each other in bareness, with kisses all across their skin to make up for the experienced despair.

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Interviews scare the hell out of Khaofang. It’s a fact.

He wants to show his best side as an architect because it will determine his career in the long run. Either he lives up to their expectations or he’s fated to fail.

As soon as Khaofang told Tan he would be interviewed, he didn’t think twice to make him company in a stressful moment like this. Although he doesn’t admit it out loud, he’s getting used to Tan’s presence again way too fast and he fears living in the same situation for a second time.

“You’ll do great,” Tan squeezes his hand as they sit in the waiting room. “I believe in you.”

For once, Khaofang sees himself in Tan’s eyes and they seem hopeful for the same thing as him.

“Tan, I–”

“Khaofang Jintraphat, you can come in,” Tan bites his lips, now curious of whatever he wanted to say.

The interview goes smoothly. He answers skillfully each one of the interviewers’ questions and adds useful, personal information to take into consideration. Khaofang is very far from being a genius, but he is intelligent enough to grasp new concepts quickly without being behind the team. Maybe his non-verbal communication is deceiving him a little, too excitedly nervous, but the professionals never mention anything related to it.

When the door is opened and Tan sees Khaofang going out from the room, he is expectant. “How did it go?”

Khaofang sighs deeply. “They’ll call me in a week to say if I’m in or not.”

“I’m sure they liked you,” Tan shares a soothing smile and it works wonders to Khaofang, getting down from his high. “Though you wanted to tell me something.”

“Oh, about that,” Khaofang’s hands make way to hold Tan’s. “My mother reached out to me once I moved out. I guess she finally grasped how miserable I was without you and made me talk about our relationship. I could see the confusion in her eyes, but it surprised me she didn’t say anything negative.”

“That’s impressive,” Tan is shocked, had he never expected this kind of reaction from one of his parents.

“The thing is, she wants to meet you. I don’t expect my father to be there, even though my mother said she would try to convince him. I guess he’s just a lost cause,” Khaofang shakes his head and Tan could feel his disappointment. “Bare minimum, after all.”

“Does that mean you want us to date again?” Tan asks genuinely, he needs to know if there’s another chance for them to be together.

“God, yes! I haven’t wanted anything more than that. I tried to tell myself that I broke up with you because that’s all I could do then, but if I were to go back in time, I would have never left you,” he shuts his eyes. Remembering it still hurts.

They don’t think further, they both share an asphyxiating hug and Tan’s heart is finally closing all the open scars he had.

“Let’s go home,” for the first time, Khaofang isn’t afraid of holding Tan’s hand. “We need to call your mother and tell her to come tonight.”

A little faith was all they needed to love again.